Babylicious Tales

On the day you were born....

2012-03-05T21:19:00.001-05:00

Today is LM's birthday. I cannot, CANNOT believe he is one already.

I'm not sure where they time went. It seems like just yesterday that we were headed to the hospital to have him. I'm not sure where the tiny, sleepy, breakable little baby that they let us take home went. He is a mover mover mover today...only stopping for snuggles and to bring me a book to read to him.

I cried a lot today. It's so hard to accept that he's been around so long....and I know how time will fly from here. The idea that he's not really a "baby" anymore (plus a baby on the way) just crushed me. I want him little and tiny forever. Plus--I hated leaving him to go to work today (luckily, I forgot the formula and had to make a special trip back to daycare on my morning break). Stupid leap year...if not for you, his birthday would've been yesterday.

Speaking of yesterday--we had a big party. Thirty of our closest relatives packed the house...and I do mean closest--there were another 20 of my aunts/uncles/cousins who are probably pissed at me for not inviting them. Boo hoo...a house can only hold so much and they never visit. Anyway. LM had a good time once he got over being shy. He was still recovering from his first high fever bout on Friday so he was a bit lethargic and uninterested in food.

He tried his first cupcake. He thought it was odd (he hadn't had any sugar yet) and enjoyed playing in it more. However, he did get enough of the red frosting to break out in a rash all over his back/stomach and head from the red food dye (according to Dr. Brother-in Law). Let's hope he's right so that it's not something contagious and wrong at the same time since red dye is in EVERYTHING yummy :-)

I'll post pictures shortly...they're all living happily together on several cameras, cell phones and various other electronic devices.

Still can't believe it.....one year. He crawls, laughs, tells me "all done" (amongst his other 6 words) and adores any kind of ball. He isn't weaned off the bottle and is so-so with table food. He still wakes me up most nights and struggles to go down to sleep unless I'm in the room. BUT--he's smart as a whip and lights up when he sees us....and I still can't believe he's mine to keep. Let alone been mine for a year.

Wow.

Censoring

2012-03-01T20:06:00.003-05:00

I've always got so much going on in my head that I try to figure out "where" to put it online. Little tiny questions, ramblings etc usually end up on LM's Due Date Facebook group. Pictures end up on my main account. Good stories sometimes end up here. Most of the time, I try to keep my thoughts on here cognizant of my audience--moms who may or may not have struggled with infertility. I keep in mind that some things could be offensive or annoying for me to ramble about.

That said, I had a "post" planned in my head for here....my anxiety about LM turning 1 (gasp) Monday. I also had some worries/thoughts that I was planning on sharing with my march mamas. But, today one of the other moms in the group who was only a few weeks more pregnant than me had an u/s and found out there was no heartbeat. And...suddenly, what I was about to post would be insensitive and immature. But...I still need to get it out there. So, I'm going to post it here. I'll warn you that it does touch on the idea of pregnancy loss so if that's upsetting to you, please don't bother to read on. I understand.

In mid-January, when all sort of march mamas were popping up pregnant, I posted in our fb group that I'm glad they were the ones getting pregnant and the dreams I'd had about a positive pregnancy test must've been in their honor. Well....a few weeks later...suddenly I'm the pregnant one. I'm not big into paranormal, psychic abilities and whatnot, but I don't discount it. I believe people have gifts.

What I do wonder about though, is premonitions. I tell myself lots of "stories" in my head...mostly just running commentaries of things that I create in my head...fantasies (loosely) I guess. Mostly, just little plots I create in my head usually not involving me. Anyway....when I try to think about our first doctor's appointment on the 13th, all of the "stories" I create in my head are not good. They all end with no heartbeat, no baby. I control these entirely. I'm not sure why this is what I picture when I picture that appointment. Is it my way of preparing emotionally in case that's what happens? Or does it fall under a premonition category?

I just don't know why I can't picture a happy ending. I then also worry that if that is the result...did I cause it with my thoughts/feelings etc??

Just wanted to get it out. I'm going to focus on being more positive. And go back to worrying about LM turning one :-) Much more normal and healthy!

From here to there...

2012-02-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

It's hard for me to figure out what to write these days. LM is growing and changing like crazy. I'm filled with millions of updates I want to share with you---like how he started bringing us books to read him. He's always loved books and loves being read to but this is the first time he's started crawling to us (angrily usually, as he hasn't quite got the crawling with big objects thing down yet) to have them read to him. But--my mind is consumed with this pregnancy. The paranoia of not having a beta, the paranoia that comes with the faint faint spotting that happened for a bit today (old, brown spotting, not the scary red, fresh kind) and all of the other things running through my mind a million times a day.

I struggle to have the energy these days to make it through the day...let alone even get on my computer if this last week was any indication. Between work, playing with LM non-stop after coming home, dinner, life and then 1st tri exhaustion, I know it's going to be hard to update the blog as much as I want to. And I do want to--not only is it cathartic, but I love the chronology of it. With this in mind, it makes it even more difficult to decide what to post about. This place started as a parenting after IF space...a nook in the world for me to share my thoughts, fears and experiences---both to have a place to say the things that I have no one else to say them too AND on the off chance that someone stumbles upon it and happened to read the one thing they needed to hear when their baby WILL not sleep like everyone elses and they're losing their mind (have I mentioned that we're not going to sleep well and waking up crying at night again??).

I need to find a way to strike a balance between chronicling this pregnancy (which I wish I had done with LM) and still giving LM his share in the spotlight. I'm not sure how this is done....and maybe I'll get better about posting more.

But, let's try.

I'm 7w pregnant today....exhausted, vaguely nauseous when I don't get enough protein/get hungry, cold ALL the time and still trying to wrap my brain around this scary/crazy/exciting journey we've detoured down.

LM turns 1 (ONE, did you read that!!????) a week from tomorrow. We're planning his party (next Sunday) and existing in a state of shock that we're here already. I'm crushed that I'll be at work on his actual birthday. It makes me cry to think about it. But, since I'm taking a 1/2 day later in the week for his pedi appt and then another 1/2 day the next week for my u/s and dr appt, I really can't. I even thought about seeing if someone could cover my room for 45 min or so and then I'd stay at daycare with him until his birth time. But--I don't see it happening. I can't believe this year has flown by---how did it happen??

I read a statistic in a magazine today about how many Saturdays you get with your child between birth and then leaving for college---it was somewhere in the 900's but I hate the idea that so many of them are gone. Bleh. Too many hormones to think about this.

That's my update for today....I hope I will be better this week about sharing all of the thoughts bouncing around in my head.

An update

2012-02-22T06:12:00.003-05:00

Sorry to have dropped the big news on you all and then disappeared. The news was just so unexpected (even though I suspected, I really figured I'd find myself staring at the stark white of where a line should be) that I kinda went into shut down mode.

I'm still pregnant (as far as I know). I go in to the doctor on the 13th of March for a viability/placement/dating u/s, appt with the doctor etc. Oh how I have missed my dear friend Mr. U/S wand! Physically, I'm feeling nauseous much earlier than last time...plus the exhaustion has started. Though...that might be work, a baby and life too.

Emotionally...that's a different story. And, I do realize what I'm about to say will probably cost me half my followers as it will be seen as ungrateful etc etc. But, it is what it is. I've been really really struggling to accept this pregnancy. Once the shock wore off (I mean come on, how cliche is it taking one time after all our struggles!), the worrying started. I'm barely keeping my head above water with LM...and now another? I worry about how it will affect him--he's used to so much attention. Even just pregnancy will affect him...when I can't lift him anymore, when he can't fit on my lap, when I'm just too exhausted to get down on the floor and play. What will we do about daycare? Do I leave a little baby and my baby with someone who I already worry about the ratios? Or do I start over? Again--changing everything for LM. I won't be able to take as long of a maternity leave with this one (due mid Oct) as I'll have to go back after Xmas break (so less than 3 months old). I had 5 months with LM because of summer vacation. How will I cope with leaving such a little baby? This baby is already starting off not getting as much as LM.

Then of course, the hubs starts talking about things like moving to a bigger house/better neighborhood (it's been talked about before) and is all gung-ho about putting ours on the market (stress anyone?) and moving LM to the bigger bedroom and redoing his nursery. On top of that...he just keeps talking about baby stuff, logistics, names, everything over and over and over....and I'm just not there yet. I'm still too shook up. I realize how bad this sounds. But, it's where I'm at.

I know I need to worry less. Maybe the u/s will help. Maybe, I'm just processing. Maybe I just need time to get excited more.

No clue.

2

2012-02-17T06:18:00.004-05:00

2 lines

2 under 2

2 overwhelmed and surprised to process at the moment

Smack.

2012-02-13T21:35:00.005-05:00

That's what I want to do to my husband's head. He frustrates me and pisses me off. And....he's a good husband and dad. He does great things for me and helps me out a lot.

But he also frustrates the hell out of me. It's like he just doesn't get that I'm at the end of my rope with work and LM and not sleeping well for over a year. I know people have it a lot worse...but I'm just done. Done. Done. Done. And I need him to understand that. I don't need him to do more....I just need him to make me feel like he gets that I'm working hard.

I'm hard on myself. I find faults in everything that I do and I know that I'm not the best cook/cleaner/organizer and I know that I could try better and do better.....but I just need him to simply tell me that he appreciates what I do do.

So...since I've asked and asked for him to just give me some praise, a compliment here and there or heck, even a high five and it hasn't happened....I'm just going to hope that tomorrow brings about some gushy romantic sentiments that resemble what I need to hear. Or the stress of it all is just going to crack me.

Shh...

2012-02-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

So...I'll say it here because saying it here means I'm not really saying it....just putting it out in cyber space.

I'm a tad bit late. It's all relative of course. For a late ovulater, I've had many (many) a long cycle (37-50 days normally). But, since things have gotten going again post-partum, I've been pretty much 35 days or under. In fact, they've gotten shorter and shorter until last month was 30 days--which hasn't been seen around these girlie parts since the birth control days.

Now today is only day 35 so it's not really late per se. And we only completed "the act" once this month due to a series of rotating illnesses, colds and general TH getting on my nerves. Well once when there is even a possibility of the window being open.

There are no signs that she's coming...no spotting, no acne ravaged face. I have been moody but hey, when haven't I been lately!

That said---there hasn't been signs that she's NOT coming either.

It's all in my head really. The odds of it happening like this are slim to none...and probably just publishing this will make her appear today at work.

I've got no plans to test. Just obbsess.

And now, I'm going to go pack some extra tampons in my work bag....because that's how life works.

Just a few things...

2012-02-04T16:34:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to share a few bits and pieces...

Thank you all for reading...apparently my content is more "diverse" than I thought. Someone found it with the search terms "pain.ful a.nal crying". Yeeeeahhh....so I guess I should be happy that you're all still around
We pulled the trigger on a convertible car seat. I've been agonizing and researching and analyzing. We ordered The First Years True Fit Recline last night. Hurry shipping hurry!
Finished the last few babyproofing items today because more of our mounting things arrived--I know I promised them to you. Love love love them!---Mommy's Helper Tip Resistant Furniture Safety Brackets.

And....I'm out. It's naptime and I must do something.

Pain...Pt. 2

2012-02-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

Ooh...a two-parter! Aren't you lucky?

Within the big idea of pain, there is the idea of pain tolerance. A student in my class has pain tolerance issues...such that I'm supposed to report every injury, pain (real and imagined), incident that may cause pain and observation to her mother so she can watch her to make sure she's not really horribly injured. Really, what this results in is that she spends a lot of time down in the nurse's office, as she's not the most coordinated/graceful child and her mother doesn't know how to have a conversation that last less that 30 min (seriously, folks...they've paged me to the office before as an effort to get her to leave my classroom and she followed me there talking until the principal intervened).

But, I digress. Her pain tolerance issues were identified as a baby when she got burned badly by something that splashed on the stove and she didn't react at all. It got me thinking about LM's pain tolerance.

He has a cousin who is nearly, exactly a year older than him. He'll turn 1 and then 4 days later, she turns 2. Oh...and she bites. And hits...with objects....on his soft spot. But only when she's tired (riiiight). Anyway...but he doesn't really react. The other night we were babysitting her and they were both sitting on TH's lap. LM was patting at her (he loves her red hair) and, quick as a wink, she grabbed his hand from her head and chomped down on it. She didn't break the skin, but tooth marks were visible for a couple hours. But...he didn't cry. He also didn't cry the time she bonked him on the head with one of those fun incredib-blocks. Nor did he cry when he head butted me and cut his lip on his bottom tooth. He just smiled at me bloodily.

But--he'll cry when he falls over or runs into the table. So, I know he feels pain. I just wonder why sometimes he doesn't react. Is he too surprised? Is he too passive and just doesn't react when other kids hurt him (oh please don't let this be the case)? Should I be worried that he doesn't stand up for himself when he's bitten? Or should I be happy that his natural reaction isn't to lash out and react (even as a reactionary infant)? Should I even worry?

See...this is why I don't sleep...even on the nights LM sleeps well (which this week was, as part of a monster eating growth spurt I believe!). I know worry is normal...but at some point....the worrying becomes worrying about worrying and little tiny things like pain tolerance that surely...SURELY...I should let go of and move on.

I'm really not an over-anxious person...I swear!! True, I'm an over-thinker and that tends to make me a worrier. I'd just hate to miss something important because I didn't think (worry) about it.

Crazy??

Pain.

2012-01-30T13:10:00.000-05:00

The events of last week really got me thinking about the concept of pain.

Now that little monkey is moving and grooving all over the place---crawling like speed racer after the dog's bone and pulling himself up on everything--we've realized that along with all of the other amazing things babies learn about....they also must learn about pain.

We know what pain is. From headaches to cramps, stubbed toes and hangnails that get hand sanitizer in them, adults understand what pain is and have methods (pharmaceutical and not) to cope with it. It may suck and we may (or always do) complain about it. But we get "it".

When LM tips over and lands hard on his squishy diaper butt, there is that moment in his eyes where you can see him wonder what that sensation is. Often times, it isn't enough pain to warrant a reaction, and he moves on. Other times, when he lands on his side/a toy/his head/my head etc, the pain is too much and the tears start.

Oh...and that awful, gut-wrenching pain cry. That cry slices the heart like a million shards of glass. You know exactly what it is when you hear it....and it kills you too. Having to learn what pain is, especially when your world is warm, safe and build to keep you safe, must be confusing and upsetting to babies. I can't imagine what it's like to feel that sensation and not know why it hurts so bad--especially with their minimal understanding of cause/effect. They don't get that letting go of the chair leg and crashing into the table leg will hurt. They feel that pain course through their body, but do they really understand what is happening? Or does it just scare them?

At some point, you learn what pain is and how to avoid it (mostly). I don't like saying that I'm looking forward to LM getting to this point because I know how much pain he'll have to go through to get there. But, when I think about how confusing it must be to them, I realize that I'm glad it doesn't last forever (and hopefully not too long...please please experienced mamas out there!).

There's so much pain in life (physical and emotional). It's hard to imagine being a blank pain slate. How greatly the different pain experiences we go through must affect and shape all of us. I want to protect him from as much pain as possible...but I know I can't. Wouldn't it be nice if we were born with an understanding/ability to cope with pain as natural as the sucking reflex?

Looking forward to Monday

2012-01-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Yup...I said it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We need a fresh start. Last week--sucked.

On top of the normal teething, cold, work, husband who I swear somedays just met me, we had our first real heart-stopping moment.

Tuesday progressed like any other day--children running amuck (I mean, learning), meetings to attend, colleagues to try not to flick between the eyes. That is, until I glanced at my cell phone in the early afternoon and saw 5 (FIVE) missed calls.

My heart dropped.

Long story short--they were all from my husband who had checked his phone upon returning in from recess and saw a text from our babysitter. LM had been pulling up on a speaker in the main playroom (their family room) and had fallen backwards. It had tipped and landed on him---the top edge hitting him right across the bridge of his nose, cutting him. Even though he had calmed right down when she picked him up and drank a bottle, she wanted us to know what had happened--especially since she through his eyes were dilated more than normal.

Because I had been out of my room making copies and picking up my kiddos from library, I had missed the texts and his calls to my classroom. He called his brother-in-law (a doctor) who said that even though it wasn't probably a serious injury at all, we should be safe and get him checked out. So, the building sub took over his room and he went to get LM.

As I'm hearing all of this, I feel the panic spread through my body. It's like that rush of adrenaline you get when someone jumps out and scares you. TH is on his way to pick him up and we decided to let him assess his general demeanor before deciding where to take him. I fly to the office and promptly tell both the principal and vice-principal that I need to leave....and then burst into tears. I explain what happened and they shoo me out the door to get on my way (after offering to drive me home themselves). I grab my stuff, thank the para who got pulled to run my room, totally freak out my kiddos on my way out the door in tears and head home to meet TH and LM.

Upon arriving at her house, TH said very little to her. She mentioned that he might end up with two black eyes but said little herself as TH had surprised her (we didn't answer back that he was coming). She woke him up from his nap.....I'll say it again folks...HIS NAP. Seriously...because isn't a nap a perfect thing to take place after a baby hits his head and you're worried. He calls me on his way home and says that he's got a good-sized cut on his nose but seems to be acting okay. At this point, I felt like I could breathe again. I drove home...totally obeying the speed limits and not passing cars on the right...and swooped him up in my arms. As much as he loves mama kisses, he wasn't too happy to has his play interrupted...another good sign.

Our BIL (who happened to have the day off), swung by the house and did a quick exam of LM himself. He didn't see anything wrong with him (and suggested that the pupil dilation she noticed was probably an adrenaline reaction of his own and since they weren't different sizes, it probably was nothing) and played with him for awhile himself. He told us what to keep an eye out for and said that we could probably forgo any trips to the doctor/hospital unless something changed. Thank goodness for doctors in the family (especially ones with three little ones under 7).

Now that the panic had subsided, TH and I started discussing what had actually happened. Since LM is not the only little one she watches that have been there when they started becoming mobile, we had made the assumption that things were baby-proofed appropriately. Now, I get that we never should have assumed. We asked the woman a million and a half questions when he started going there, but that stuff didn't come up at the time. However, who has giant (at least 3ft fall) 80's style speakers in the main play room that aren't mounted. Especially, since there are times that she has to be helping little one's in the restroom etc. She puts up gates to keep them from wandering and we had made the assumption she had thought of other things.

We were wrong....and pissed off.

(Okay, I realize I said long story short but....sorry!)

We talked for awhile and realized that we were going to have to talk with her that night about it all. Not only did I feel her attitude about it needed to be adjusted, but certain baby-proofing things needed to be in place before I could leave him there in the morning. I just couldn't worry about him all day long. So, I texted her and arranged for a time to come by. TH and I talked about what our expectations for her were and I steeled myself to be willing to pull him completely if she couldn't/wouldn't accommodate them. I knew her main argument/excuse would be that it had never happened before with any of the other little ones, but that just wouldn't fly with me. I don't need him to be the guinea pig.

I don't do confrontations well. I hate them. My dad thrives on them and I grew up being embarrassed and uncomfortable with them. So, this wasn't something I was looking forward to. I gave myself a mom pep talk and headed over.

Turns out, she really was horrified that it had happened. When I got there, her husband was already working on mounting the speakers to the wall. We chatted about what else in the room/house needed to be baby-proofed---including, as it turns out, the kitchen. Who the heck runs an in-home daycare, serves breakfast and lunch out of their kitchen and doesn't have the kitchen childproofed!!!! We talkd about how I have no problem with her putting him in a PNP or something when she needs to be out of the room...I'd rather him be angry than hurt. I made it very clear that I wouldn't/couldn't leave him there if I was worried about it. They were very accommodating and repeatedly said that they would do whatever they needed to do and that they were open to any suggestions...they admitted it was a learning curve for them as well. So, I left there feeling ok about that part of it all. AND--I was thrilled that I didn't have to pull him...he adores her.

My concern at this point is that I worry that they didn't think of it first...I thought some of it should be purely logical if that is going to be your career. I'm a first time mom...I'm learning as I go so I can't use experience to help me look out for him in some cases. I can use intuition, information and a little luck to help guide our decisions but I need to be able to rely on those around me who are the "experts". I know accidents happen....I get that he'll fall and crash into things as this stage in his life. But--I also expect him to be doing the falling...not objects around him. We're staying there for now as I think we've resolved our issues. But man....it gives me a lot to think about.

As for the rest of the week, there was lots of awkwardness (especially when one of their speaker mountings failed as she showed it to TH the next afternoon) and educating on our parts (we shared with them products that we've used to mount things---including some FABULOUS mounting ties if any of you are interested). The rest of the week went safely....it was just long.

And I'm so glad it's over. As I'm sure you all feel about this lengthy post!

I've got a fever..

2012-01-22T11:30:00.001-05:00

A little bit of fever...baby fever.

Four women in my message board mommy group are pregnant already---some planned, some surprised and one miracle. While I'm not ready for a baby yet....and not even sure I want another....it makes me start to yearn for feeling belly kicks, seeing ultrasound pictures and snuggly newborn days. I want that joy and feeling of anticipation.

Though...not enough that I'm ready to "try".

Not that we're preventing....but, last I checked, if you want to get knocked up (without dr's of course!) you have to actually have sex. And, because you love to know intimate details of my life, that happens oh so infrequently. We're both not ready for another baby--so we should be preventing, but I think that deep down we know it won't happen again without help.

I go back and forth about whether we want to even have another. I'm basically an only child (very large gap between my half sister and myself and step-siblings that came around during college) and I loved the experiences I got to have because it was just me. I love being able to give him my undivided attention when I come home from work....and I see how hard it is (from watching friends and family) to give as much attention as needed to all little ones. I know that love can't be quantified or measured, but it's how I feel about it.

And then....well then there's the issue of whether we should. We agreed to pursue medical intervention to have LM. But, now that we have him, is it selfish of me to do it again to have another? Should I just be happy to be blessed with my one baby when so many people cannot? Do I agree to let it happen if it happens on its own? What if after agreeing to that, it doesn't happen and I lose out?

Why can't this one decision just be an "easy" one? Why can't it just be about whether we want another monkey and when instead of IF?? Why can't fertility not be an issue? Maybe my baby fever comes with a side of jealousy....that these women in my group not only knew what they wanted, but could also get it easily.

Maybe I'm scared to make the decision about a baby....because if we decide to try again (on our own or with help)...maybe this time, it won't work. And that pain will be back.

Maybe I should just be happy with having the most amazing baby in the world. But how do I know?

A birthday

2012-01-15T10:18:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday...the last one before the big 3-0. TH and I were talking last night about how different things are from this point last year.

January was a blur of baby showers, doctor's appointments, organizing and starting to slow down. We began trying to "fit in" all the things we knew would be more difficult once LM arrived.

Being able to have my darling little one wake me up by singing to himself in his crib was a great start to today. It is a great reminder that my life is no longer mine. Instead of the normal what do "I want" on my birthday, we still have the normal baby things to fit in. My SIL offered to babysit so we could go out if we wanted...but honestly, if we go out to eat, I want to take LM. I don't need anything fancy or elaborate this birthday...I just want to spend it with my family. Because this year starts something new and special.

Birthdays tend to be milestones or, to some people, negative reminders of getting old. What I realized this morning, is just how special a birthday really is. I get now while it was so important to my mom to see me on my birthday and make it special...because it was to her. I get it now. It's not about a "me day" or the presents. I see why it truly is a special day.

It also doesn't hurt that TH is changing all of the dirty diapers today :-)

Pressure

2012-01-11T21:48:00.000-05:00

Where does it come from? This intense pressure that I feel for LM to do things and change. I'm not talking about things like crawling....for some reason, these kinds of milestones don't seem to upset me if he's behind. I trust that he'll get there--especially the gross motor ones since he's my chunky little monkey and it'll take more time.

But there are these random things that I find myself feeling pressure about things like sleep and food. The pedi mentioned that with the natural transition to more food and less formula, he would naturally drop a feeding. There was already one feeding that was feeling forced, so we stopped that bottle and added some more food at dinner (the bottle was a 5pm one). It was working...but then he stopped sleeping well and I felt so guilty about giving him that bottle again. I am because he's hungry and wants it. And, with what I expect is an upcoming growth/milestone spurt, I want him to have it. But--I feel like he's going backwards. I know he's not. Rationally, I get this. But--I worry that I'm holding him back somehow...that he's drinking too much and not eating enough. I read about babies his age in my mom group that are eating multiple jars of baby food, plus table food in a day...and sometimes he just doesn't want to eat that much. I don't want to hold him back....and I'm sure he's not.

But--I worry that I'm babying him. Ironic--I know. I worry that he can handle eating more--especially table foods. That he wants more types of foods, bigger pieces, bigger quantities etc...and I'm holding him back, so he gets bored and wants nothing to do with it. There's no guide to this whole motherhood thing...I get that. But--i am SO SICK of hearing that I should just do what is best for my baby. How I am supposed to know this?????? I need to hear more specific plans/experiences that people have used to transition. I'm tired of just guessing (and by guessing, I mean reading a ton of things and make a semi-informed decision). I'm tired of TH relying on me to figure it out. I'm tired of him assuming that I know what I'm doing when it comes to decisions. Ugh.

I'm just tired of it. Speaking of tired...sleep is the other area. If one more person asks me whether he's STTN...and then gives me a "look"...I will punch them. Guarantee it. I know sleep goes in cycles and that with new things/spurts/life, sleep changes. You ladies have been more than helpful in this area. But--I still feel so frustrated. TH thinks that I'm causing some of his bad sleep habits. And--it's possible. He likes to hold my hand through the crib slats as he falls asleep, rubbing on my fingers. He doesn't NEED to...and sometimes, like tonight, he falls asleep on his own anyway. I also can't handle him crying and tend to go to him quickly to give him his paci or, if he's really upset, to pick him up and rock him. I know know know that he is capable of self-soothing and that it is counter-intuitive to pick him up. I can't handle CIO...and I've yet to figure out what "method" I want to use. I just need something....ugh.

Actually (to those of you still reading), what I need is to back the F off myself. I'm creating the pressure. No one else (except TH, who really only argues but has no follow thru to help fix it and really doesn't know what to do either so I don't have to do what he thinks!) is pressuring me to make him eat or sleep more "normally". It's all about some arbitrary goal I set for myself....and for him....and it needs to stop. He won't drink bottles forever and I don't see a ton of kids waking up all night....so I know in time it all passes. I just need to give myself a break.

Thanks for listening.

Ten Months

2012-01-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

LM is 10 months old!! I don't get where the time goes...we started talking about what to do for his first birthday party. It is either a testament to how cool my husband is or how bad he thinks my cooking is--but he suggested catering in Qdoba since we have so much (picky) family. I'm thinking about doing a The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme (more on that later).

Stats (right before Christmas at pedi)--
Weight--21lbs 10oz
Height--29 3/4

New Things--
He started army crawling this week---and he crawled a few "steps"? today. He's SUPER close to crawling but still prefers rolling or army'ing to get places faster.

He's started exploring more parts of the house. Today he maneuvered himself under the jumperoo and played with the toys hanging off of it and pushing the bouncy part up with his feet. It's so much fun watching him look at things from a new perspective.

He waves hi and bye. Well....he does that and then again, he always waves at his toys, the dog, the car...he just loves loves loves to wave. The one consistent wave he does is waving "night night" to Daddy at bedtime. Then, he gets excited and claps for himself. So cute.

The personality that is emerging at this point is so amazing. I love watching him think and process and then try something new.

He cut his fangs right before Christmas and I think/hope/need desperately for his top teeth to come through soon. He's not sleeping well right now--waking up to eat again, as well as several other crying fits. The brief hiatus of waking up that we had totally messed with my head and now I feel ever more impacted when he wakes up. I'm hoping it's a growth/developmental/teething thing and it'll pass soon.

He's slowly eating more table foods--he had his first grilled cheese today, along with some veggie soup veggies. I need to focus on keeping up his food intake as I think it helps him sleep better at night. It's just hard during the weekend because we don't get up as early so he ends up dropping a bottle. I'm hoping that as his gag reflex gets better, he'll be able to explore more foods and eat more.

He changes so much from month to month...it's so hard to keep up in the changes. I can't believe a year has almost passed. For Christmas, we gave the grandparents a photo book that had our favorite photos chronologically--seeing him change so much nearly brought me to tears.

I wonder what next month will bring.

2012-01-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

Two weeks off + sleeping in later than 515+ napping when LM napped at least every other day+ LM waking up every 20min from 9pm-1am last night+a headache+school starting again today= 1 cranky mommy, teacher and wife.

TGFW (thank goodness for wine)

Welcome!

2012-01-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome Creme de la Creme visitors! I'm glad to have you here :-) Please enjoy reading about the journey I have been embarking on. I hope it goes without saying that if you realize you know me in real life, this blog is a private place for me to share my thoughts--please don't mention it out the "real world"!

Hope to see you again soon.

MIrror, mirror

2012-01-01T19:42:00.000-05:00

The start of a new year is a common time for self-reflection. We look back on what went well or oh, so very very wrong in the last year. We make resolutions and promises about what we're going to change and how we're going to do it. Often, these are the same ones we optimistically made (and failed at) last year. That doesn't stop us from reflecting every year when the ball drops.

Self-reflection is part of who we are. We think about whether we can take another year like last or what we're willing to do to get what we want. Sometimes, your year was amazing. Other times, it was heartbreaking. This time of year we reflect much more than the other 11 months.

But--in reality, we do it all year long to some extent. When something bad happens, we reflect on the "whys" and "hows". We plan how we can make ourselves better so it can't happen again. When something good happens, we reflect on what we did to make it happen and how it has changed out lives.

I've had my share of "why me" moments of reflection. This year was different though. This year--we got what we had been hoping for for so long--little monkey. Reflecting this year was much, much different. It wasn't about negative things. Last night, as I lay next to LM's crib, letting him play with my fingers through the slats as he tried to fall asleep (yes, bad habit I know...but you do what you need to do), I listened to him start giggling to himself. I wasn't tickling him and he wasn't playing with his lovey. Then, I realized---he was remembering. He was thinking about when we were watching the dog play and run around the living room and he was laughing hysterically (LM, not the dog). He laughed and laughed until he got the hiccups. Shortly after this, he went to bed. As he lay there, he was reflecting on his day and laughing at his memories.

And that's what this year is to me---memories. Good ones. Not a list of bad things that happened to me that made me want to make changes---changes I usually fail at actually following through with. I realized that this is the difference this year. The resolutions I made were not about changing what was happening to me but they were about making me a better mom, wife, teacher and friend. When I didn't focus on all of the bad things, I felt the impetus to make changes that I think I can follow through with. When I was focused on what I didn't want to happen again, nothing I did to change things worked.

Hopefully, this year, I will be able to follow through on the things in my life that I want to improve upon...not change.

A year in review

2011-12-31T21:37:00.003-05:00

I'll be honest...I wanted to do a deep, meaningful post about our year. But--time, like always, slipped away. I'm not sure how long I'll leave this post up---I still feel weird about having his picture "out there". But...until then.. enjoy :-)

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November (still holding strong for our team!)

December

Happy New Year!!

Countin' it down

2011-12-27T10:22:00.000-05:00

As the year winds down, I thought share with you my Top 10 things I've learned about being a mom this year.

10. Now that LM moves, I take back everything I said about the video monitor. I want one :-)

9. They really mean it when they say that all your careful research/preparation on how you'll raise your baby will disappear like a pair of new Jordan's at a mall before Christmas. Once you meet him, you learn to survive in a way that works.

8. I had the urge to stay at home with LM instead of returning to work much stronger than I ever expected. That said, I'm happy with the choice I made of going back to work.

7. People judge--they judge whether you breastfeed or don't breastfeed or where/when/how you stop---they don't stop just because they realize it hurts your feelings. Everyone is an expert in raising your baby---just remember that you (and perhaps your partner) are really the only experts.

6. Seek out moms. I'm not the the personality that fits in with most of my SIL's mom's groups. I should do a better job at seeking out groups that match my personality/priorities etc better. But--heck who has time. What I have found though--is that my due date group is the best group of moms I know. They give me advice, calm me down, listen to me vent and coo over the latest picture of LM. They also give me a chance to help them--with my opinions, my experiences and sometimes, even some teacher advice. They rock my world and I LOVED getting Christmas cards from them.

5. TH is better at matching baby outfits than I am. All of the compliments we get on his stylish outfits are either "put together" or bought by The Hubs. Is it any wonder I let him buy me clothes? :-)

4. Balancing motherhood/work/wifedom is SO much harder than I thought. I feel like I'm being a great mom, a good teacher (sometimes just ok) and an average wife. In the new year, I will be a better one!

3. Time flies. Thank god we took so many pictures and have been vigilant about keeping a camera nearby.

2. Sleep. Holy crap. It's amazing how one can obsess over one thing so much. One day I hope to not worry so much about his sleep, sleep habits, positions, things affecting his sleep etc etc.

1. I love being a mom. I knew I wanted to be one. I knew I would be a good one (over-achiever much?). BUT--I didn't realize how much I would love being one. You cannot prepare yourself adequately for creating something so special and then being expected for the journey of keeping it healthy, thriving and off the news :-) LM rocks my world.

To-Do

2011-12-24T12:32:00.001-05:00

We're hosting Christmas morning this year since it's LM's first and we have (ok I have) SO MUCH family.

I had a lot of things on my to-do list to get the house, presents, ourselves etc ready.

Wanna know what I forgot to put on it?

Don't get food poisoning hours before guests start arriving (oh yeah, and don't let TH get it either).

There are no words right now.

Rightly Wrong

2011-12-23T21:27:00.001-05:00

I live my life by routines--I like them, my kindergarteners need them and heck, even my dog likes being able to predict what will happen next (he's quite apt at "making predictions"). However, with 3/4 of year of being a mother under my belt---I wish I had realized the point of this article earlier. We do/did/plan to do a lot based off LM setting his own schedule---but the guilt/panic of realizing in the long run that we let him take the hard route is rough. Having to answer the question "Is he sleeping through the night yet?" with "No" and then watching the disapproving/confused/pitying looks....it makes you question whether you're doing the "right" thing. I need to realize there is no "right" thing and just roll with it better. There aren't a bunch of insomniac, pacifier addicted, rolling adults running around.
Check out this great article!
Where was this 9 months ago?

Still here!

2011-12-21T17:50:00.002-05:00

I've been woefully absent this last month---we can blame lots of things but I'll choose crazy work life (end of the semester assessments--who thought 1:1 assessments while simultaneously teaching/entertaining 23 other five year olds was a good idea?) and trying to get ready for Christmas (note: I am not yet ready).

However, I've got a whole host of half-finished drafts that I've been working on this month when ideas strike me but just haven't had a chance to finish. So--look for them soon! Plus--I'm sure LM's first Christmas will be inspiration enough to churn out a few more!

But--what finally got me jumpstarted (besides winter break) was this lovely award

My very first!!!!! I'm so thankful that Life's Little Reflections deemed me worthy of this!

If you haven't seen the Liebster Blog Award yet--here's a bit of info!

The Liebster Blog Award is meant to spotlight blogs with fewer than 200 followers and provide them with a few more avid readers.

Here are the rules:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers!

It was SO hard to choose my top five--decisiveness has never been my strong suit and with so many wonderful blogs on my reader...well...it was tough!

1. Alex's Adventures--she started her IVF journey very early in my pregnancy and I really enjoy watching her little one growing!

2. Infertile Myrtle--a mom who no matter what she has going on, is always an avid commenter and lifts my spirits more than she knows!

3. Musings of Hormonal Egg Basket--Amy has a little on only a few weeks older than LM and her honest posts often speak right to my first time mom heart.

4. Jet's Journey--another first time mom blog where the little man is nearly LM's age. Add to it that she's in education and it's one of my favorite reads.

5. The (In)fertility Diaries--an amazing journey of infertility, adoption and surprises!

Enjoy!!

My baby is old enough to been born again.

2011-12-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

LM is 9 months old!!!!

Well....a week ago. (Ok...several weeks ago...that's how long ago I started this post).

So much has happened in the last month. But first we'll hit the nuts and bolts.

Food--he's still eating about 30-35oz of formula a day. With his recent growth/developmental spurt, he eats 1-2 jars of baby food a day. He usually eats 2x at daycare and then a little bit at "dinner" time with us. He eats puffs and Cheerios now and ADORES them. His pincher grasp has dramatically improved in the last week--even mushy banana pieces make it into his mouth now! Our pedi said we're good to go to transitioning to more food and lessening the bottles. For now, we'll drop the "dinnertime" bottle and feed a bigger meal (it was usually more of a snack). I'll also stop worrying so much when he leaves ounces behind or if a schedule/routine change has us drop a bottle.

Sleep--since he worked out the whole sleep/rolling thing and discovered he's a combo side/belly sleeper, we've been *gasp* basically sleeping through the night. I will pause as you all sob from relief that I will hopefully stop bothering you all with my rants about his lack of sleeping well. He'll still wake up in the middle of the night crying sometimes--he never totally wakes up and after popping a paci in, he's good. We've been struggling with naps since we've been on winter break and so going to bed has been a struggle but we've been trying to roll with it and let him stay up a little later since he's sleeping in later (yay no 615am baby wake-up!!). It feels like such a victory as I've basically had crappy sleep since last January when I started getting up to pee every 3 hours. Hopefully this will help with the total lack of brain function I've been experiencing and some of the nerve pain in my back (another post)

Body/Brain--When we last left LM, he was rolling rolling rolling. He's been enjoying whipping himself around rooms by rolling. He's learned how to lift/lean his head to steer himself. He adores rolling at the Christmas tree but has been since thwarted by the ottoman blocking it. Just the other day he suddenly just sat up on his own. He's been sitting for while but BAM up he went. Within 48 hours, it was a highly polished skill. He loves sitting up in his crib and looking around. He's not crawling yet--but he is doing push-ups that resemble the awkward things I used to do in middle school gym (envision shaky arms and butt high in the air). He wants to pull up and tries...but doesn't quite get how to do it. I think that by the time I'm back at work (boo!!!) at the start of January, he'll be either crawling or scooting. The one year olds at his daycare are both recently walking so I think once he's back around them he'll be pushing himself. We have two new teeth (like within the last week new). My baby is officially a vampire with his cute little fangs. I guess I must shift my allegiance from Team Edward to Team LM. He's been working on his top four teeth since August so it's such a relief that some have popped through. Now, all he wants for Christmas is his two front teeth :-)

He's babbling up a storm--mama, dada, ca, ga, bah. Nothing with a lot of intention but I think the dog's name will be first as it has both b's and c's. He reaches for what and who he wants now. His opinions are shared--he'll shriek with pleasure or anger if his needs are meant. I'm not sure who he got this temper from (*glances guiltily around*)...we'll blame TH. He loves music and claps when he hears it....as well as claps when he is happy or proud of himself. Books are still his thing---he adores them and I adore that he does.

He changes so much day to day---I'm so glad that winter break fell when it did. I'm having major mommy guilt about going back to work already...sigh. Maybe a mystery rich relative will die and as they secretly always found me to be the daughter they never had...leave me their millions. But--I should probably work on report cards and curriculum maps just in case.

Stats from 9mo appt--
21lb 10oz
29in long

Crazy LM! I love him so.

Holy Sleep-Killer Rollman!

2011-11-27T11:41:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited that LM is rolling all over the place now. It seems so weird to think about how much he's changed in the last week. I was JUST posting last Sunday about him rolling over back to belly for the first time and now he's rolling everywhere. It's fun to watch him attempt to get where he wants...sort of the opposite of the saying about the shortest path between to places is a straight line!

However, an unexpected (though it shouldn't have been!) complication is his crib. First off, we had to lose the mobile (*sad face*) and lower his crib--both were sad mommy milestones for me. As you know, sleep has always been the one area where my super easy-going baby has been a challenge. Even with these obstacles, when he couldn't go anywhere, he always eventually fell asleep--on his back--and was usually in the same place in the morning (minus a few wiggles down and arm/leg positions). But now--you put him in the crib awake AT ALL and suddenly he's rolling and moving all over the place. He rolls, rotates, wedges himself against the side of the crib, plays with sticking his arms and legs out the side (did I ever tell you the breathable bumper doesn't fit our crib??) and various other non-falling asleep things.

He gets mad when he can't go where he wants or gets stuck. I think he is exploring how to get comfortable and find a position that makes him happy----something totally new. I know we all have our favorite positions to sleep in--why shouldn't he? I, for one, cannot sleep on my stomach to save my life. It's only natural that it would take some time for him to figure out how he likes to sleep. BUT OMG LM....you're killing me with the hour+ going to sleep thing developing. I've found that once he's on his stomach, if I pop his paci in and rub his back--he'll conk right out. But, this can only happen after he's decided he'll stay on his stomach long enough for this to happen.

*Sidenote--I've always thought he'd be a tummy sleeper--he loved to lay on me and sleep like that*

I want him to explore positions to learn how he likes to sleep. But--I'm scared of what's to come. I can't handle the going to bed routine taking forever---the quick start part was the only thing we had going for us some nights. I get so frustrated not knowing how to help him but, at the same time, feeling like he should be able to deal with it on his own. I can't handle CIO---especially now since the few times I've let him cry for a few and then picked him up, he's give me big salty kisses on the cheek. So, I'm stuck up there with him until he figures it out. I also don't want to start a new "bad habit" by rubbing his back to get to sleep.

AHH! How can one aspect of motherhood be so hard?? One step forward, two steps back.

Oh and of course, I now keep worrying he'll suffocate in his sleep because he's on his belly--even though he can put himself there and back. I know, I know! I should've never let TH convince me we didn't need a video monitor----@katery I envy you and your monitor!!

Anyone out there know anything about how long kiddos tend to take before they find their sleeping position favorites? Or have any tips on this transition?

Overheard (not, actually--Thank goodness)

2011-11-26T16:43:00.001-05:00

As TH and I were decorating for Christmas today (while LM was F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. napping) we had the following conversation:

Me: We have to change this station (we were playing the Sirius Holly station on our tv)....I just cannot listen to Justin Bieber sing Christmas music. It's just not right.

TH: pause....pause...pause....pause....meaningful look....pause.

Me: WHAT?!

TH: Maybe you're being too hard on him....after all, this might be his baby's first Christmas and not many baby's have their Dad singing Christmas music to them on tv.

Me: pause.

TH: It's true. Maybe he's really excited about baby's first Christmas. You are.

Me: Is it even his baby?

TH: Surely they have the paternity results back by now...he took it this week. It doesn't even take that long on Maury.

Me: Well, then maybe it is his baby. You would think they would have announced it right away if he was "right" and it wasn't his.

TH: Yeah. Or maybe he really will take Maury up on his offer to read the results on his show. Or maybe they're doing a Lebron-type special.

Me: That's true. I'm sure we'll find out this week.

Me: Why are we talking about this??? Thank goodness LM is napping and not hearing this.

TH: You're the one who brought up the Biebster.

And this folks is why I need to find my Bing Crosby Christmas CD ASAP :-)

"The Pilgrims came from far away...

2011-11-24T10:49:00.001-05:00

to create for us this Thanksgiving Day".

Thanksgiving has always been a day that I have reflected upon what I am thankful for. After spending the last three days listening to my kindergartners share what they are thankful for--family, toys, video games, the pool, god and of course, most importantly Santa (?)--I decided to make sure that I shared what I am thankful on this first LM Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for LM--a blessing greater than we could've imagined. Watching him grow, change, learn and just in general love life, is something more special than I could've ever imagined.

I am thankful for TH--who is an AMAZING father and gets up with LM, changes his diaper and brings him to snuggle with me in bed on mornings he knows that I am exhausted or (like this morning) wake up with a raging headache (would've imbibed more last night if I knew I would wake up feeling like it anyway!!). He is wonderful and I am so lucky to have him.

I am thankful that I have a job that I love (most of the time!) and is secure. I have colleagues who inspire me and look to me for help, which pushes me to be better.

I am thankful for family--so much of it that it is overwhelming sometimes.

I am thankful for the Moms I have met in this journey---you teach me and save my sanity.

I am thankful we have a home and a safe place to live--I realize not everyone has this luxury.

I am thankful that I have this space to share my thoughts, ideas and experiences...and receive back such amazing support!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The Mom who stares at monitors

2011-11-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

It may not be men staring at goats, but I can only hope that I have the same kind of power when I stare at the baby monitor. I find myself staring at it in the middle of the night, trying to will it with my mind...to make the red lights stop flashing and jumping, for LM to go back to sleep....to soothe himself and settle back down. Surely, my mom powers are strong enough to will the red lights to stop.

We've managed to basically stop night feedings (mostly only as a last resort and even then, it doesn't really seem to help him go back to sleep any quicker) but he's still waking up in the middle of the night at least 3-4 nights a week. I thought we wouldn't be here at eight months. If you had asked me before I gave birth, I never ever would have thought he wouldn't be STTN by now. In fact, I was positive he would be by the time TH went back to work after six weeks......oh, how naive. We made such progress last week......last week.

But---here we are, nearly 3/4 of a year later, and I'm still hauling myself down the hallway once a night to pat him, soothe him, rock him, sit on the floor with my hand shoved through the slats of the crib letting him hold my finger while I attempt to stay upright and awake. And yes, TH does try to help---but LM just won't go back to sleep for him, so it falls to me.

Now that it's colder....it's harder than ever to leave my nest of blankets and walk down that hallway. I don't harbor any frustrations towards little monkey for this. I'm sure that it's me who needs to find a way to help him---maybe I enable him, maybe we need better daytime/nighttime/bedtime routines, maybe I'm missing the cues to help him sleep better.....who knows. But--it's just so much harder than I thought it would be at this point. I'm utterly exhausted...it's affecting my school life, my home life and just about everything in between. Because of course, after all those nights last week of FINALLY getting some sleep, he's not been feeling well and hasn't been eating very much during the day...aka not sleeping well again.

I know that it's part of mom life and I still never think twice about getting up when he needs me.....but I do stare at the monitor and listen and watch for the signs that show me he needs me or one day, that he won't need me and he'll drift back to sleep without getting upset, without crying, without something....because one day, we'll get there. I hope.

Oh really, lady at Target.

2011-11-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

So we're happily ensconced in the whole using T.arget Up and Up formula for LM...especially considering that we must must must use the rice starch version to help LM not spit up as much (though it's much much better) and the namebrand version is expensive. I work right by a T.arget that not only seems to always been well-stocked in the orange canister that we love so dearly and seems to have the biggest selection of our baby food as well. I'm not sure why the other ones only stock a few but this one has all of the mango varieties that LM adores. So usually, I can stop right by there and pick up things on the way home when we're running low. It also gives me a chance to wander around the aisles for a bit, enjoying my favorite store in a baby-free manner.

But..I digress. This weekend however, we were at our local store to pick up some more baby food, beer and a scarf I've been eye-balling for awhile (and yes, I realize that's a weird shopping list) and we decided to stock up on formula since TH was there to haul it inside etc. For some reason, our version doesn't come in the big canisters so it takes twice as many (if you're reading this Target gods, please please make a big orange one!)

So, with our cart full of 6 canisters (amongst other things), we proceeded to the checkout. As the cashier rang up our items, she looked at LM (adorably cooing and giggling) and said (in a baby talking voice) "You're an expensive little one, you know that?!".

I just smiled and handed over my coupons, supposing that it's just her cranky version of small talk. THEN--she said to me "No vouchers or checks?". I replied that no, Target doesn't have those, so it was just my $1 off coupons and that it still is much cheaper (sidenote--$5+ cheaper!) than the name brands.

She paused....gave me a look and then said.."Well, you know there are ways around having to buy all of this stuff. Some people choose to do what's best for their baby". UMMM....WTF cashier lady.

So, in my best snarky voice, I replied "Well, since he was adopted, it wasn't an option for us. So please mind your own business."

Okay....I didn't really. I'm not that quick on my feet. What really happened, was that I just stared at her for a second incredulously and chose to just hand over my credit card, pay and leave.

She said it so quietly that TH didn't hear her so as I fumed quietly all of the way out to the car, he kept giving me looks. I finally explained what she said and he said that while it was b.itchy, she was older and probably didn't really realize how it could have been offensive.

I wish I had had a good comeback for her. I wish that I could've at least told her that it was rude to say that to people....that you never know people's backstory....what they may have struggled with or how they came about their baby. We didn't have trouble breastfeeding, but lots of people do and can't for some reason or another. You can't just say things like that to people....insinuate that they are not good mothers because they are giving their baby formula. YOU JUST CANNOT.

I should've told her off. I was just too surprised that she would judge me. We may not have nursed for a year but I still made it longer than my original plan...after that, any extra day was a gift. I know that I made the best choice for LM and myself and I'm okay with how things have unfolded for us.

But.....things like that still make me feel tiny inside. They make me question whether I did the right...made the right choice. NO ONE should judge people in a way that makes them feel that way. That's not what being a mother is about...it's not about making people feel like less of a good mother because they made different choices than you. This must be why new moms worry so much. How can we measure up to the standards everyone sets for us? It should just be enough to make sincere, well-thought out decisions for your family. As long as no one is being hurt in anyway, people need to support...not cut down.

I know we all judge people in our heads....I guess this lady needs to learn how to keep it there. I wish I had told her so.

Milestone Alert!

2011-11-20T17:10:00.001-05:00

Welcome ICLWer's! I'm so glad you stopped by. Please leave a comment or follow me so that I can come visit you! Visit the Our Story section of the page to learn how we got to this point. Right now, I'm a proud mama of an almost 9 month old (yikes! How did he get so old!!!) and a kindergarten teacher. My little monkey and I are bumbling along in this journey--where I'm learning to try to balance being a relaxed, fun mama and my slightly neurotic side!

As you know, I love to read (or maybe you don't remember...here's a reminder). TH...not so much. But--I'm determined for LM to love books and love to read/be read to. I read to him before he was born and we've read together most days since. He loves to hear his bedtime books before bed and some of his favorite toys are his books. Granted, a lot of chewing goes on but he wiggles and kicks with happiness when he looks at them. As a kindergarten teacher, I might be a bit biased, but I'd say he has good print concepts skill as he helps me turn the pages and loves to touch each page. One of my favorite pictures is him laying down, holding a book above his head---smiling at the pages!

I've been worried for awhile that he's behind the physical development curve as he's nearly nine months and he still hasn't rolled back to belly. He pushed up on his hands/knees for a couple weeks but suddenly, he hates being on his belly and flips back over as soon as you put him there. While he sits like a champ (if you sit him up), he really shows little to no desire to move himself anywhere. I know babies develop differently, but I'm a worrier.

But, today, amidst the chaos of cheering for football, I watched him lean forward from a sitting position enough that he ended up on his belly. Since he actually wanted to be there, he laid there and played with the toy he had stretched so far for. I watched as he grew tired of that toy and flipped back onto his back. He played for a bit that way and then grew bored. We watched as he looked around for a new toy to play with. He reached out for his colors book but couldn't reach it. Instead of giving up and moving onto a new toy or screeching for help, he stretched and reached until he rolled himself over from back to belly! He grabbed his book and promptly rolled onto his back to look at it. We cheered and celebrated with him, but he really just wanted to look at his book.

I'm relieved that he can move himself when he wants to.

But, I'm really proud that the one thing that he wanted enough to roll his chubby self over, was a book :-)

That's my boy!

Heartbroken - Ain't No Mom Jeans

2011-11-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

There is just too much of this going around....it's heartbreaking for me. Coming up on Thanksgiving especially, I am so thankful LM is healthy.

Heartbroken - Ain't No Mom Jeans

Yummo

2011-11-17T21:29:00.001-05:00

So, we've been struggling with the whole "sleep" thing for awhile now (as you lovely people well know!) and I honestly did not think we'd be at this point at 8.5 months. I really truly thought that he'd have been sleeping through the night for months now. Call it naivety, delusion or blind hope.....I really thought it would happen sooner.

Friends told me that it depended on whether they were a pacifier baby or a hand/finger/thumb sucker....self-soother's can sttn sooner and easier. People also told me formula would help....as would solids....as would when he becomes more physically during the day....napping...routines...getting over the teething hump....the list goes on and on. It seems like there is always "something" that would help him sleep...if I could just make it happen at the precise time, in the precise way necessary, as all planets align and Congress agrees on something....

So, we just kept on. Kept on waking up at least once a night. Kept on struggling to get him to go to sleep, go back to sleep....just sleep. We had that lovely stretch where he sttn for one whole week. It taught me that he, in fact, was getting enough calories to be able to sleep and not "need" the night feed. So, snuggled and rocked instead of ate. It worked---it just took time.

But, we kept on. A couple weeks ago, we hit a peak. He was up for at least an hour at a time....and would not go back to sleep for anyone but me. And not even me sometimes. Usually, I'd cave and give him a few ounces and he'd go back to sleep....for a good chunk of time. But, it just didn't make sense. If he was truly hungry, 2-4 oz for a baby used to 7oz at a time shouldn't fulfill him enough to make him sleep for a long time.

We were struggling. I dreaded the night. I dreaded the morning...when the exhaustion was so bad that I would just sit in the bathroom while the shower ran because damn....there was no way I had the energy to get wet, soap up, shave, wash my hair (and dry it). I just could.not.do.it. Work was becoming an issue....I was being a b.itch to my kids. I just didn't have the patience to deal with it.

Finally, we decided to mess with his food again. His daycare provider mentioned a couple times that he seemed like he would've eaten more or really sucked down his bottles. But, just as many days, he wouldn't finish...so we didn't think much of it. We tried adding another solids meal in the evening between his two bottles (one around 4-5, another at 7-8 for bedtime). But, this just seemed to either make him fussy (too full?) or he wouldn't finish his bedtime bottle and then would be up to eat. I mentioned to the daycare lady that she was welcome to give him more baby food if he seemed hungry (he does 1/2 jar fruit in the a.m. and 1/2 jar veggies in the pm, plus his 3 7oz bottles). We would make sure he still was finishing his bottles though, as that is important to me.

This was last Thursday. Every day this week, he has eaten TWO full jars of a baby food a day (except one day when it was 1 1.5) at daycare....plus all of his bottles....plus napped longer. He's gnoshed a little at home with us at "dinner" with some mum-mums, mushy carrots or mushy pears. He even at a 1/2 jar of peas and brown rice. LM has been an eating machine!

But....most importantly....MUCH more importantly...he has STTN Monday night, Tuesday night AND Wednesday night. He's taken his bedtime bottle well and conked out right after....with just a few wiggles and whines. No 20 minutes of head-rubbing or hand-holding through the slats. No up and down the stairs 3-4 times as he cries himself awake. Just a baby who went to sleep and stayed there until I wake him up to go to daycare.

WTF? Turns out he's just been hungry. I hope hope hope hope this is a new thing and he hasn't been this hungry the whole time. He's so happy and go-with-it all the time that I worry he was just going with the flow and could've been eating more for awhile.

I don't know how long this will last (especially since I just jinxed myself by posting about it!). Our weekends usually throw off his schedule since we let him sleep until he wakes himself up instead of at 6am. I hope we can keep him on schedule enough to feed him plenty of food and keep the streak alive.....it's been indescribably helpful to my well-being. I don't feel 100% myself again but I do feel more human.

This is just another lesson in motherhood for me that has taught me to just keep trying things. I can't assume something isn't the case just because it didn't work at one point. LM is constantly changing and growing and I have to keep up!

And now, if you'll excuse me....I'm going to bed...and hopefully staying there until my alarm goes off :-)

Round of applause

2011-11-13T18:52:00.001-05:00

This week LM learned how to clap!
It started with some patty cake....with lots of flailing and giggles at the adult caking away. Then, he started banging his little fists together with glee. However, about mid-week, the hands opened up and he started clapping away. At first, it was only when you were saying the patty cake rhymes but now he does it all the time!

He is an indiscriminate clapper--anything that makes him happy, excited, or giggly makes him clap. Sometimes he claps just because he wants to do something with his hands. But he claps...and I love love love it!

And, because my LM is a genius, I swear that today he clapped and yelled at the appropriate time during a football game.

Even though the rest of his physical development milestones are just preciously average...he's my clapping prodigy ;-)

Weekly Musings

2011-11-12T21:24:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough week, so I'll just post a few quick thoughts.

Full moon's are bad bad things and should only occur on the weekends.
Scaring your baby by having to lay him on the bathroom floor while you throw up and the noises/experience totally freaks him out really makes you feel worse than the stomach flu.
I miss my maternity clothes---I loved buying all new fall/winter clothes last year. My regular clothes suck. But I have no time to shop.
School is kicking my ever-growing a**....the kids are proving to be a greater challenge than I expected.
LM has decided to start struggling with the "going back to" part of the whole sleep thing. That used to be the part we're good at.
I developed willpower tonight and got LM a fun toolbench toy instead of a Sophie with some returned BRU money....even though I really really wanted the Sophie.
Speaking of teeth---I *think* we're really truly almost ready to cut more teeth....the drool started up and Hy.land Teething tablets have been our friend.
Holiday family stress/arguments/obligations have started already....it's like the decorations at stores...it starts earlier every year.
I'm excited for all of you with good baby appointments last week...yay no bad news!

I've got a book on my kindle calling my name (gotta love mindless chick lit spy novels for 2.99)...and since LM is out cold and TH is watching "our future QB" on tv (traitor....Manning will always be my man)....I may just get a little reading time in tonight!

Countdown

2011-11-08T20:59:00.001-05:00

Friday....very normal day, full class of germy little darlings in attendance

Fast forward to Sunday....nauseous, throwing up, chills/fever, etc. etc, general misery

Monday--day off work, feeling better slowly.

Tuesday.....TH goes home throwing up.

Shall we start the countdown until LM gets it? UGH, baby colds make me sad/anxious...I can't imagine what a throwing up baby would do. Cross your fingers he's got a good immune system!

Oh...and shall we all pause for a moment of silence for poor TH....because regardless of the face I JUST.HAD.WHAT.HE.HAS, you would think that he's dying as we speak and it is monumentally worse. Oh men...such big babies!

Split personality?

2011-11-05T21:37:00.005-04:00

Somehow we managed to birth a happy, easy-going baby. He cries only when he's hungry, tired, hurt or (occasionally) if he gets mad. Most of the time he's a happy guy! He is happy to move from person to person...content with everyone.

These are great qualities in a baby....but what about when he's older?

Is he really happy, go-lucky or is it a passive personality? Will he grow up to be the shy kid in class--easily overlooked if he's not a behavior problem or needs help with academics?

How do you bring out the strong points of a personality without changing the personality? If he is naturally passive or shy---how to we teach him to share himself?

As teachers, we see the different personalities in the classroom....and you wonder about how their home, parents, experiences etc have shaped the personality. I'm not sure where I believe personality falls in the whole nature/nurture debate. I'm outgoing and talkative, TH is quiet and only opens up when he's comfortable or has something to say. The more time I've spent with him, the more I am ok with quiet times/lapses. My personality has shifted as it has meshed with his. That's the nurture side I suppose, changing what "my mama gave me". TH has a bunch of talkative sisters, so he learned to be quiet. But--it hasn't really changed as he's aged and been around different types of people. As LM spends formative time with both of us together and apart, he will be exposed to different types of our personalities. How do we keep the nurture of us from "ruining" what nature gave him? Or--does nature really give anything? People remark all the time about personalities of those around them--relating back to what type of baby or small child they were. When waiting for "baby", the personality of it is frequently debated based off the activity level in-utero. There seems to be so much that goes into a personality....and considering how much personality can affect your lifestyle, future, friends and general choices...that's pretty heavy.

Obviously, I don't know how it will all resolve...and it's awful heavy thinking for a Wednesday. I just imagine who he will be and how that relates to who he is now. And how I will (or have already) messed it up :-) There are a lot of choices you make in motherhood (or parenthood since I'm planning on sharing the blame with TH) for all basic needs/wants in a little one's world....hopefully the choices I (we) make are ones I'll look back on and be proud of when I see how my little monkey turns out :-)

Today

2011-11-05T21:35:00.003-04:00

Today LM is 8 months old.

He can/will/etc:
Sit if you sit him up.
Lean over to reach things and then sit back up without falling over.
Go after an object with a purpose and usually get it--even if it means he has to manuever it or his body.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Scoot backwards on his belly
Turn in circles on his back
Make lots of sounds--especially d's and b's
Says dadada right before he falls asleep
STTN about 3 out of the 7 nights
Eats 7oz bottles 5x/day
Eats maybe 1x a week in the middle of the night
Has to hold your hand if he wakes up at night to be able to fall asleep again
Sits up in his ducky bathtub and splashes with a purpose
Leans towards you if he wants you

and most importantly...melts my heart.
I am so blessed to have him.

Death of a Swing

2011-11-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

LM loves his swing. It has a mirror for him to laugh at. It has a mobile with animals he has been swatting at since his motions were more flails than intentional. He gets so excited to get in it---even craning his neck to lean towards it when he wants in. I love it because it plugs in :-)

It has rocked him to sleep---giving me precious time to run around like crazy to actually accomplish something during a short nap (or rather, sit and stare off into space tiredly). It has gotten us through his first colds---allowing him to sleep upright and getting us both some much needed sleep. It was the first place he slept longer than two hours at a time.

But--he's discovered hand-eye coordination and can down reach right up and grab those fun mobile animals...yanking at them in an effort to get them to his favorite place (his mouth!). We made the mobile stop but yet he kept at it--grabbing them and moving the mobile back and forth on his own (though backwards, making a horrible horrible noise). We wrapped the animals around a few times, shortening their strings. But---it is all to no avail. LM wants them and he is GOING TO HAVE THEM IN HIS MOUTH IF IT KILLS HIM....or rather the swing.

So, in an effort to save the swing that still looks brand new (minus the dried spit-up) and runs great....it's joined the pile of "Where did my tiny baby go" things in the basement.

There's a gaping hole in my living room that makes me sad. Soon it will be filled with a Christmas tree but for now, it is a reminder that they grow so quick and leave behind the favorite things that we envisioned they would adore forever. I know it was harder for me to part with it than him. Time moves on and I'm focusing on just being glad that I can hold him in my arms. And I am SO grateful for that.

But--if this cold/cough doesn't go away....I might just end up sleeping on the basement floor next to the resurrected swing.

No.

2011-11-02T21:30:00.002-04:00

I refuse to listen to people debate petty political nit-picks....0.1% tax increase BAH.

I refuse to listen to parents whine that I'm not giving their 5 year old enough homework to "keep them busy" while they cook dinner.

There are so many, many petty things that people are so obsessed with right now....stupid, tiny things that will have no long-term lasting effects......

Today a mom lost her baby. She held him in her arms while I stopped breathing. There is no reason why any child should be taken from their mother or any mother lose their baby. She has to wake up everyday and realize in that first breath, that he is gone.

But yet, all around us--people refuse to realize the truly important things in life. It could all be so so much worse.

For one mother...today it doesn't get any worse.

SImply stated.

2011-11-01T17:53:00.001-04:00

A friend posted this on Facebook and it's worded beautifully so I'm just going to copy and paste it since at this point it's hard to think of anything to say that seems right considering what they are going through.

"God blessed the Burdick's with a gift last night of Tyler waking and they were able to talk to him, and he actually tried to talk back even on the vent. The first time they have heard his voice in 6 weeks. However, the doctors are saying that Tyler may go to be in the ...arms of Jesus in the next 24 to 48 hours. Please pray that his passing is peaceful, and that Stephanie & Dan have all the strength they need during this time, and the knowledge to help their other children cope with the passing of Tyler. And let's continue to pray for a miracle...only God truly knows the hour. "From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny"

Urgent. Please read.

2011-10-30T21:34:00.000-04:00

Tyler, the little one living with leukemia, who I talked about in this post, needs your prayers, thoughts, "whatever you can do"'s. His body is failing and the doctor's aren't sure that he'll make it much longer. His family is having to make some difficult decisions right now...all while hoping for a miracle. I know that my followers are few...but with your thoughts/prayers and perhaps a repost on your own blogs---we can get enough people focused on Tyler to either ease his journey or create the miracle his mother so dearly is hoping for.
Tyler's Story/Updates
Thank you!

I suppose being selfish is normal....

2011-10-23T17:42:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of things going on around me that make realize how selfish I am. Not in the "you're so selfish, you rotton person you" sense that seems to always crop up when you're in a big fight with someone. But--more in the "not appreciating what you have/been given/worked for" sense.

There are two moms in my March Mommies online group that have babies that are very very sick. One has spent a majority of their life in the hospital with cancer and another is a 2yo who just had a bone marrow transplant for leukemia and his parents learned this week than soon they may have to make a choice about whether to resuscitate him or not. They are living soul-crushing, life-altering existences right now. They may lose their babies.

Conversely, my world is focused on the seemingly important tasks of LM's sleeping/eating habits, keeping my head above water at work and still maintaining some front of being a good wife/housekeeper.

But--compared to the worries of others...these are so selfish. Does it really matter why LM sleeps some nights and not others? Does it matter that TH continues to be less than impressed by my attempts at culinary creations? Does it matter whether LM is meeting developmental milestones or even what the heck is causing his eczema?

No. My baby is healthy. My marriage is healthy. I have a job I am not worried about losing.

It's so hard to maintain the right mindset sometimes. I cannot fathom waking everyday knowing that today I might watch my baby die. But, even knowing this, I continue to worry about my "things". I tell myself to keep it all in perspective. And I understand that these are "normal" mom things to worry about...and moms all over the world are worrying about the same things. However, deep down, they are selfish things to worry about because in the end, I will still have a thriving baby. He might be cranky, stay up all night and never roll back to front...but he'll be here and he's all mine.

My much younger cousin gave birth two weeks ago to a little boy. She's fairly estranged from most of my family due to her antics, addictions and general disregard for my aunt's heart, love and well-being. She has nearly broken up their marriage and caused my aunt numerous health problems. In the last year (at various times), she's been homeless, shacked up with random guys, in/out of the hospital from street fights and yet other times, manages to show up to her minimum wage job. She's bi-polar amongst other things and basically lacks the impulse control that stops most normal people from agreeing to any random thing. She's totally a fit parent (please note the dripping sarcasm). She gave birth and seemed to be ok. Yet--we find out this weekend that the baby had to be rushed from an ER to a children's hospital when he was foaming at the mouth and had blue feet. No one knows why yet.

Again, a baby that is struggling in life and was born into a "home" that is going to contain so many obstacles to growing up healthy--emotionally and physically. I get that I'm lucky to be able to maintain my mental health and provide my baby with a safe, caring home. There are so many people out there that are still yearning for their baby, while so many people don't care for their baby the right way. I should feel blessed with my life.

But that doesn't stop me from complaining about heading back to work tomorrow after a nice long fall break. It doesn't stop me from thinking cranky thoughts that TH never, never, never offers to clean the bottles...even once. I still think these selfish thoughts and say selfish things. Somehow, someway, there is a way in which to strike a balance between be honest about my life/feelings and keeping myself in check when it comes to realizing I'm SO lucky. I'm going to work harder at finding out how to do this. I think it will help me appreciate my life more, love LM and TH more and in general, be a better person.

But man....it's easy to be selfish...but I guess that's normal.

**If you'd like to read more about the journey's of the other babies I mentioned, you can do it here and here.

Your thoughts please!

2011-10-21T08:58:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to decide what post to submit for Mel's Creme de la Creme. For those of you who don't know what it is, basically it's a celebration of blogs where bloggers share their favorite/most memorable/touching/important for others to read etc post, Mel compiles them and come January there is a wonderful list of blogs/posts etc to read and journey with---read more details at the link above.

Anyway...seeing as I'm not the best decision maker (wait!! what!!?? you're not??), I'd love input from my readers about which post they would choose for me---something that touched you or made you laugh...or that you just like. I would really appreciate it!

Yes.

2011-10-17T21:49:00.001-04:00

This is exactly what I needed to read.

thwack

2011-10-16T08:04:00.001-04:00

That sound, my dear bloggy friends, was the other shoe dropping.

I've been waiting all week for it to happen and last night it did.

For some reason, LM seemed to be all big kid grown-up baby last week and from Monday THRU Friday night, he slept through the night. Oh yes....let's pause and read that closely----he slept all night long for five nights in a row. Monday thru Thursday was 8/830-6am and Friday night he went down around 830 and got up at 9am (super sleeping-in baby!). It is more sleep than I've had at night (consistently) since probably January. I feel a little bit more human!

Every night I went to bed telling myself that he was going to wake up and not to expect a full night's sleep. I'd think about some variable in his day that was "off" and I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up. But--every night, I woke to my alarm instead of LM. I was starting to get freaked out :-)

But, last night, the other shoe dropped. Right on schedule (around 4), LM was up and unhappy. A quick snuggle and 4oz of formula later, he was down again (only to wake up at 630 wide awake with soaking wet pjs--but that's another story).

I, being crazy, immediately began analyzing what differences occurred yesterday that probably came into play. My guess---it was sleeping in 3 extra hours, taking naps in the car (granted they were 2 and 1 hour respectively) and not getting in all of his normal solids amount.

I'm superstitious and I totally attribute him STTN all week to the fact that all week at daycare he napped really really well, had all of his bottles and his jar of solids a day. That let me get his dinner and bedtime bottle fed to him in good time and not too close together. And it worked.

Well, that doesn't work on the weekend. Even though he did get most of his formula in (he left about 3oz in his bedtime bottle--which he did one night last week too so it shouldn't be that big of a deal) and did take naps, he only had maybe 1/2 of a jar of food. I don't know if that really has to do anything with it--it could totally be in my head. OR, if it's just the fact that he's at home and with us. I wish I knew. I don't though.

What I do know now is that he is capable of STTN for multiple nights in a row. When he slept for 13hours Friday night, it taught me that assuming I feel like he got enough food in during the day, he really probably doesn't even need the full 4oz when he wakes up. I *think* that over our fall vacation coming up this week, we may drop down to 2 or just snuggles.

I know now that he can do it and what I need to figure out is what really makes the biggest difference. Are we at the point where we need to focus our efforts on sleep training (and by that, I mean teaching him to go back to sleep when he wakes instead of thinking he HAS to eat)? Or do I need to figure out if I should focus on making sure he definitely gets enough solids during the weekend? Maybe I should have given him some baby food at dinnertime instead of going straight for the bottle. I suppose I could've offered if after the baby food and let him take what he wanted.

I wish it was easier to know what affects things. I wish it were as simple as knowing it was teething or a cold that wakes him up. Or whether he was really hungry when he wakes up. There are so many variables....it certainly gives my OCD a workout.

But for now, I'm just going to savor my LM being a big boy and giving me some sleep this week--when I really really needed it to survive a bad work week.

That and try to figure out how to get him to do it again!

Some people are just better people than me.

2011-10-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

I'm not a mean or selfish person but man...sometimes the selflessness of others blows me away. There is a mom in my due date/birth month group that is doing something so amazing for another mom in the group that I had to share.

There is a little monkey in our group that has a lot of dietary sensitivities--including but not limited to:
Soy
Milk
Wheat
Corn
Bananas
Pineapple.

He has had trouble gaining weight and his mom has been struggling. Since breastfeeding wasn't an option for them, she's been struggling to find a formula he wasn't allergic to--especially since so many have soy. She's tried everything...and I mean everything...including a homemade formula with a coconut milk base. His allergies were making life miserable for all.

Then---lo and behold, another mom from our group offered to help out. Not only is she pumping extra milk and shipping it across country....but to make her milk free of any allergens, she has totally removed anything with dairy, corn, wheat, soy etc. At the bottom is a list of some of things she has to avoid or look for on labels to avoid.

Anyway--she's avoided these things for three weeks and has pumped milk to send him. The first shipment just went into the mail yesterday! What an amazing selfless act to change your entire diet/lifestyle for someone else's baby.....a baby she's never met and a mom she's never met.

I've been stalking the tracking number all day!

Amazing!

Some people are just better people than me.

Things that this amazing woman has eliminated:

Milk-free diet:

Avoid foods that contain milk or any of these ingredients

Artificial butter flavor
Butter, butter fat, butter oil
Buttermilk
Casein (Casein hydrolysate)
Caseinates (in all forms)
Cheese
Cream
Cottage Cheese
Curds
Custard
Ghee
Half & Half
Lactalbumin, Lactalbumin phosphate
Lactoferrin
Lactulose
Milk (in all forms including condensed, derivaitive, dry, evaporated, goat's milk and milk from other animals, low-fat, malted, milkfat, non-fat, powder, protein, skimmed, solids, whole)
Nisin
Nougat
Pudding
Recaldent
Rennet Casein
Sour Cream, Sour cream solids
Sour milk solids
Whey (in all forms)
Yogurt

May indicate the presence of milk protein:

Caramel Candies
Chocolate
Flavorings (natural & artificial)
High protein flour
Lactic acid starter culture
Lactose
Luncheon meat, hot dogs, sausages
Margarine
Non-dairy products

Wheat-free diet:

Avoid foods that contain wheat or any of these ingredients

Bran
Bread Crumbs
Bulgur
Club Wheat
Couscous
Cracker Meal
Durum
Einkorn
Emmer
Farina
Flour (all purpose, bread, cake, durum, enriched, graham, high gluten, high protein, instant, pastry, self-rising, soft wheat, steel ground, stone ground, whole wheat)
Gluten
Kamut
Matzoh, matzoh meal (also spelled as matzo)
Pasta
Seitan
Semolina
Spelt
Triticale
Vital Gluten
Wheat (bran, germ, gluten, malt, sprouts)
Wheat Grass
Whole Wheat Berries

May indicate the presence of wheat protein:

Flavoring (natural & artificial)
Hydrolyzed Protein
Soy Sauce
Starch (gelatinized starch, modified starch, modified food starch, vegetable starch, wheat starch)
Surimi

Soy-free diet

Avoid all foods that contain soy or any of these ingredients:

Edamame
Hydrolyzed Soy Protein
Miso
Natto
Shoyu Sauce
Soy (Soy albumin, Soy fiber, Soy flour, Soy grits, Soy Lecithin, Soy Milk, Soy Nuts, Soy Oils, Soy Sprouts)
Soya
Soybean (curd, granules)
Soy Protein (concentrate, isolate)
Soy sauce
Tamari
Tempeh
Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP)
Tofu

May indicate the presence of soy protein:

Asian Cuisine
Flavoring (natural & artificial)
Vegetable Broth
Vegetable Gum
Vegetable Oil
Vegetable Starch

Corn-Free Diet:

Avoid all foods that contain corn or any of these ingredients:

Baking powder (barb said this was ok to use in baking the amount that would make it to ur breastmilk shouldn't affect him)
Corn
Corn alcohol
Corn flour
Cornstarch
Corn sweetener
Corn syrup solids
Cornmeal
Grits
Hominy
Maize

May indicate the presence of corn protein:

Food starch
Modified food starch
Vegetable gum
Vegetable starch

Umm....yeah....that's a heck-load of things.

Super Seven!! (well...belated!)

2011-10-12T22:00:00.001-04:00

LM is seven months old now!! Well...he was last Wednesday. But, I'm a bad blogger who is buried in baby stuff, report cards and upcoming parent/teacher conferences. So, a week late will have to do :-)

LM is a ball of energy! He laughs and laughs---full on belly laughs (especially if the dog is doing something "funny"), tickle giggles and this weird little old man "heh heh" squeak thing. People and actions make him laugh, as well as being super ticklish but more than anything, his orange dinosaur and yellow duck crack him up the most. He loves to lay on the ground and laugh and chew on them!

He still loves all of his toys---especially his jumparoo. He has figured out how to stretch and grab at the animals on his swing mobile and is fixated on trying to pull the little toucan off of the top of his bouncy chair. He still loves laying on his playmat and playing with toys--especially since his hand/eye coordination is so much better and he can grab at whatever he wants.

He ADORES books and gets SO excited to see them--kicking and wiggling. Books have been slipping out of our bedtime routine a little bit as he's taken to falling asleep during his last bottle (which usually he "requests" loudly in a 0 to 60 manner that has been leaving little time for pre-bottle reading). But--my goal is to get it back in.

He takes 4 six ounce bottles a day and one 8 ounce bottle of formula before bed. We're working on weaning him down from his night feedings so right now he only gets a 4 ounce bottle if he wakes up. The amount difference doesn't seem to be impacting him falling back asleep (and staying asleep) so I think we're on the right track! He eats 2oz of baby food in the morning and another 2oz in the afternoon. Sometimes he'll eat more around dinner time--but usually only if he dropped a bottle feed that day because of a long nap etc. He loves fruits and veggies equally but is really getting excited about eating things in his mesh feeder--bananas, peaches etc.

He (usually) goes down for bed by 8(ish) and wakes up one time between 1-4am. On weekdays I get him up around six but on the weekends he usually stays down until between 7-8. He takes two naps a day for around 1.5 hours each--sometimes mercifully longer, sometimes they are excruciatingly short. he is on a good schedule with daycare and we usually mess it up on the weekends :-) Occasionally, he sleeps through the night.....occasionally. Here's hoping that improves!

He rolls belly to back easily. He can sit up with assistance, though the last few days he can maintain his balance for a few minutes if a) he thinks someone is behind him "holding him up" and b) he isn't reaching to the side for anything. He loves to sit up and watch the dog play fetch. He's tried to pull his knees up to a crawling position a couple times but really has no interest in it yet. He has yet to roll back to belly---though, he's so close!!! He's just got to haul that chunky leg over!

He's so content and happy! He only fusses or cries when he's hungry, tired or (only sometimes) bored. He is still my big snuggler and loves to steal a weekend nap laying on me. He can play by himself for 15+ minutes if he's interested in what is going on. LM is big big big on routines and gets really excited when he knows what is coming up....this may become something that bites us in the you know what later on!

LM is becoming a Daddy's boy :-/ He lights up at the side of TH and gets so excited to play with him. They have a great time together and I feel full of joy when I realize what a great Dad he is. I'm very lucky...but I do have to chant this to myself over and over sometimes when TH is on my last nerve!

We're enjoying life right now. I can't believe how much he's changed since he turned six months. I feel like every new day brings a new discovery, development or sometimes...a challenge. I love watching him think...seeing his eyes narrow as he works hard at something and watching his eyes light up when he figures something out. I love that he studies his hands moving like he's on some weird acid trip :-) His newest trick is using his hand against his mouth to make the Indian sound (you know the one!) and I love that he's discovered he can do it with toys and other objects.

I can't imagine what I'll be saying by next month!

Ugh. Manic Monday.

2011-10-03T20:11:00.003-04:00

After the first couple weeks of daycare (beg of Aug) LM settled into a good schedule of napping and eating at daycare. But, last week, we decided we were ready to have her start giving some solids during the day (previously we've only been giving him some at "dinnertime"). Well---all heck has broken loose and he either stopped taking his afternoon nap or would be up/down/up/down etc resulting in basically no nap. He also (near the end of the week) started not finishing all of the ounces of his lunchtime bottles. When he was at home in the evenings, we ended up dropping the dinner solids because he was more restless at night (having trouble going back down, not wanting to go to sleep in the first place, not wanting his last bottle etc) and I was worried he was too full. The weekend came and he took am/pm naps (though the pm were about an hour max) both days. He had two meals of solids a day (breakfast/dinner one day, lunch/dinner another) and most of his bottles (his wakeup time was later so he usually dropped a bottle in the morning).

Today, I mentioned to our daycare lady (in-home daycare place) that maybe waiting until after his pm nap for the second solids feedings would help him nap better and to just give him his normal lunchtime bottle instead. Apparently though, he didn't nap at all. He ate his breakfast bottle and half a jar of baby food (right on track) and his lunchtime bottle but refused to nap, take his late afternoon bottle (so she didn't attempt the solids) etc. TH said she seemed really frustrated (even complaining that she really relies on that hour break in the afternoon for herself...um WHAT?) and thinks that I should stop feeding him at night when he wakes up (just do water instead) because maybe he's too full to sleep well at night and then it's affecting his day. I already stopped feeding him when he wakes up (30min before we get to daycare) because he's been waking up for a bottle (4-6oz of formula) between 1-3 and sleeping until I get him up at six...that way he's ready to eat baby food right when he gets there.

I don't want her to be frustrated with him...because I don't want her to let him CIO as a result of her frustrations and trying to get him nap. I have NO clue why he's stopped napping. I'm sure it has something to do with the food--the timing is too coincidental. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong at night still feeding him a bottle....maybe we do need to wean off of it (he weighs about 20lbs etc).....I just don't know what to do. I'm a mess about it. I'm sure that there are other factors that might be in play too (teething, routine change etc). It also doesn't help that when he skips naps, he falls asleep in the car on the way home and naps for awhile at home...being awake later in the evening. And--now, because he skipped a bottle today...we're behind on calories/feeds and that doesn't bode well for sleep.

I just need help. I don't know what to try next....or what to say to her. I'm up for trying pretty much anything...whether it be during the day changes or night changes.... But, I also don't want to make changes because of her....I want him to be happy/healthy etc...that's first. I guess I just don't know what to do......and the anxiety about taking him tomorrow is already getting to me.

Here's what his "normal" schedule looks like in case that helps:
Bedtime around 8pm
Up for a nighttime feed (4-6oz of formula) between 1-3am
Woken up at 615 (diaper change, snuggles and out the door)
Breakfast (1/2 jar of solids) around 645-7.
Bottle (6oz formula) around 830.
AM nap--usually down around 9-930ish, asleep for 1.5-2 hours
1130/1200ish--was getting 1/2 jar solids with another bottle about an hour later (no solids today, just bottle at 1130/12)
1(ish)-245 PM nap (did not really occur last week or today)
Picked up around 345
Dinner bottle 530-6 (we used to do 1/2 jar solids around 430/5 and then the bottle around 530-6)
Bedtime bottle 8

This is really just a big long vent....I understand if you don't actually have a solution for me :-)

My baby is a genius...

2011-10-01T11:19:00.000-04:00

at least he better be.

I am a smart person...or I was anyway. This isn't me bragging--it's just who I am. I'm a dork and a bit of a nerd. I got upset with A-'s in school. I was disappointed with only getting a magna laude distinction on my undergrad degree and I worked my then much-smaller butt off in grad school to get a 4.0.

I'm not coordinated or good at sports. I'm not artistic or more than average talented at music (I play a couple instruments so-so). My brains are my "thing" and it's what I got going for me.

Or at least it was....until a small, adorable little monkey stole them from me. By my total lack of common sense lately, in combination with the memory loss and inability to retain the bizarre facts and trivia I used to be so fluent at, I can only assume that he stole most of my brain and will in fact become the smartest person in the world. Judging by my Words With Friends scores recently, he seems to be getting smarter by the minute. I suppose I don't mind having "mommy brain"--though it is complicating my work life, as sticky note reminders for each and every little thing cover my desk, room and sometimes person.

But, all I'm saying is that he better put his brains (both his own and what he stole from me) to good use and cure the common cold or something....or at least figure out how to roll himself from back to belly :-)

Debate

2011-09-27T21:40:00.003-04:00

In my head rages the debate...does he wake up to eat in the middle of the night (once usually) because he's hungry....or because his body is used to eating then. My supply is minimal at best at this point and sometimes he nurses for awhile, sometimes just snack and crash. There never seems to be a clear reason or event that I can pinpoint when he does sleep through the night. BUT-- Today, with the advent of baby food at daycare, LM has had the following: 36oz of formula 6oz of baby puree (peas/brown rice and pears) 2 good naps Plenty of active playtime A normal, baby-led bedtime So...if he still wakes up to eat tonight....that'll clear it all up for me........ haha...I laughed even as I typed it.

Sorry...

2011-09-26T21:08:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling overwhelmed by life right now....Too many work responsibilities and things to do....Too many things to do at home....Not enough time to spend with LM in the evening....And....not enough sleep to keep me going (or money to hit up Starbucks every day!)I promise I've been reading...late at night on my phone...but I've been bad about commenting...it's hard from my phone. Sorry.

Dirty mouth? Clean it up with....

2011-09-23T18:52:00.001-04:00

Orbit? Soap? Not really sure what we'll have to use with LM but it's looking like soap won't be an option. Last night while giving LM a bath, he used his lightning fast reflexes and grabbed a bath toy, shoving it in his mouth completely covered in soap lather. Now, please note, this is the child that no matter what yummy baby food we put in his mouth---he makes a wretched face. Clearly, every initial taste is like salt and vinegar potato chips dipped in jalapenos and sardines. At least judging by his face. Of course, after this initial bite, he happily nom-nom's down, laughing and cooing. All I'm saying is that he has no problem using a "WTF am I tasting?" face. Now, back to the soap.... Not a single iota of an expression crossed his face. He just gummed/gnawed on it like everything else he puts in his mouth these days. So apparently, soap isn't exactly a punishment to him. I'm flash-forwarding to the future when he's a sassy, grumpy teenage boy who asserts his independence by using dirty words. It looks like we won't be able to re-create the famous soap scene from The Christmas Story at our house. Oh no...not this boy. Apparently he has a taste for the suds. Sometime between now and then I'll have to come up with a good solution to the sassy mouth I know he'll have....if he's anything like me :-)

By the Numbers

2011-09-18T13:30:00.000-04:00

LM had his 6mo check-up this week--He weighed in a healthy 18lbs 11oz and is now 27inches long. His head is 15 7/8 cm (still on the small side but slowly growing so no concerns).He got his last round of shots for awhile--including his flu shot. The pedi is a little concerned that his head tends to lean to the left. But, since he has the ability to turn his head both directions when he chooses and doesn't seem to be in any pain, she just wants us to massage both sides nightly and encourage him (through toy placement, body positioning etc) him to look/lean in the other direction. We're also going to try to spend more time on tummy time and assisted sitting to help him build more upper body strength in general (and hopefully encourage him to haul his chubby self from back to belly!).His cold/cough are also run of the mill--with none of the congestion in his chest. A rash that has developed appears to be eczema and is disappearing nicely with some hydrocortisone cream a couple times a day.Other than that--all systems were a go! He's happy, healthy and alert, so unless we run into her at the zoo again, we should be good until 9 months.On some other notes--we're going to start adding in another meal of solids--at daycare. I'm planning on sending fruits for her to do either at "breakfast" or "lunch" depending on what is easier in their schedule. I don't want her to fixate on it being a certain time of day/meal, as it's more important to me for him to still get his bottles in a timely manner and not be too full to eat/play/nap/exist well and happily. But--we'll probably hold off a couple more weeks so I can try a couple more fruits at home first to check for any reactions. He also does appear to be on the mend from his cold--his snotty nose and cough are still there but he's sleeping better so I believe he has to be feeling better. Happy Sunday everyone! Hopefully, all three of us (four if you count the dog) are decked out in our jerseys, watching the Browns get whooped on :-)

Reality check

2011-09-17T19:46:00.002-04:00

Why does it seem like that my dog is the one who is the only one who can talk some sense into me?More times than not, this little spoiled Yorkie-Poo has given me an attitude readjustment. I know how spoiled he is--we're the ones who did it to him :-) He loves LM a ton---especially when there's spit-up to lick up! Likewise, LM loves him as well---he cracks up watching the dog run around or play with his toys. He opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue to accommodate the spit-up licking. But--he's a jealous little thing. He always brings toys for us to throw when we're playing with LM. He burrows in and snuggles on our laps when there's room for him on our laps when we're holding LM. He demands attention.This behavior reminds me to make room in my life for more than LM. Making time for him is something that helps balance out out lives. He is a jumping, barking, wiggling reminder to keep friends, family and TH in the loop.Today, I was at the end of my rope with the dog. The darling little furbaby was killing me with the incessant barking at non-existent sounds. His new-found love of freaking out when someone goes out the door--complete with barking and leg herding woke up LM TWICE. He was about to earn a visit to Cruella DeVille (just kidding, just kidding!).But then, after LM went down (early!!) and I took care of some laundry--the dog and I headed downstairs. But, as we went downstairs, he stopped at LM's door and whined. I let him in (thinking he had left a toy in there) and watched him walk up to the crib, hop up on his hind legs like a circus dog and look at LM sleeping. He hopped around like that for a couple seconds and then trotted back out the door and down the stairs.That's all it took for the frustration/anger etc to evaporate. His cute gesture of love for LM reminded me how simple love can be and even though he drives me crazy...our little spoiled dog loves our little monkey and for that, I can cut him some slack.

Oh Sunday....please don't go.

2011-09-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

I'm having a case of the Monday's....and it's not even here yet.Perhaps it's all of the videos/news coverage/memories of 9/11.....combined with a football season kicking off without Peyton....combined with a baby that has developed a cough...and a diaper rash......it's just all combining to make me feel pretty down in the dumps.I just can't seem to psych myself up for the week ahead...it's filled with meetings, extra responsibilities and random other stuff. The bright spot is Tuesday's 6mo checkup (timed perfectly or I'd be trying to decide whether LM needed to go in anyway). TH and I are both taking half-days even though his appt isn't until after school. We need a lunch date and want to pick up LM from daycare early to have some extra family time.I must must must focus on this...and the fact that I am making progress with a couple of my roughest kiddos...it's just hard to see right now. Normally, I can focus on these bright spots on Sundays and get myself excited for the week ahead. Today....not really.There's just too much negativity and worry in my head today. I shouldn't have watched news coverage today...seeing all of those children growing up without a parent always freaks me out. I want to just hold LM close and whisper promises that we're not going anywhere. Hearing about 3 year old victims just was too much.I will refocus. I will refocus. Now that I'm done whining here to you all lovely people who cheer me up just by your presence--I will go find something good to do.

I need a fairy godmother.

2011-09-10T11:07:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a sleep deprived mama whose class was kicking her butt. They were using up all available energy she had during the day being frighteningly off the wall for this early in the year. Then she'd come up and use up all of the energy reserves having fun with her little monkey. Everyone in this fun far far away place was surviving until the big mean nasty monster, Mr. Cold, made his appearance. Now, everyone in all the land is up every two hours with a sad LM who has been granted an endless supply of snot (along with his teething drool) by a mean fairy who hates the world. This fairy has also rendered formerly useful tools such as humidifiers, inclined surfaces and snot suckers, completely useless and ineffective.Will there be a happy ending? SOON???? Or will I have to go find a frog to kiss? If so, it better come to me because I don't have the energy to move and I'm quickly turning into an ogre.

Six Months

2011-09-07T22:02:00.003-04:00

LM is six months now (as of Labor Day). It's been a crazy week so far (aaaaand it's only Wednesday) but I must mark the occasion.The last six months have FLOWN by. I looked back at newborn pictures today and I can't imagine how tiny he was. At one point, he snuggled in one arm....now, he's a moose! I loved when he was a newborn. I could watch him sleep for hours. He was like this warm little hot water bottle that laid on my chest. Apparently, I've also forgotten about all of the "oh my god, I'm going to lose my mind" moments, pain, bodily fluids etc.He goes next week for his 6mo checkup/shots etc. I estimate he'll be between 18-20lbs...a long way from his 7lb 15oz birth weight. He can roll from his belly to his back....but hasn't figured out how to coordinate all his little muscles into hauling his chunky self from back to belly. But since he hates being on his belly for any stretch of time...make sense! He's figured out how to move himself in a circle by lifting his hips and doing little pelvis thrust wiggles to move his body. He likes to try to stand when we're holding him.He's loving solids..my little bird with his cute little wide open mouth. He eats part of a jar every night for "dinner" with us. He's taking about 30oz of formula a day plus nursing when he wakes up at night.Most nights (knock on wood, knock on wood...please oh please don't let me jinx it for me tonight) he goes down by eight and wakes up once between 2-4 to eat. We get him up (why oh why can't he sleep through a diaper change, poor little guy) at six to snuggle, sometimes nurse and head out to daycare. He loves daycare....me, I'm still a little ambivalent about it all but he's happy, he smiles when he sees her and she loves to snuggle him. Most of the time he falls asleep after his bedtime bottle, but when sleepy and full, he can put himself to sleep. He still is a big cat napper but (especially at daycare) he's better at doing an hour morning nap and an hour-two hour pm nap. He watches everything....my little observant man. He's recently discovered a love of watching football on tv--craning his neck to see it. One time he flapped his arms whenever they caught the ball......maybe I will get to retire early when he's a pro :-) I can see him thinking. I love knowing that he's trying to figure things out when he's looking at them....looking at a light that's not on but usually is, gauging the distance between an object and his mouth and then hitting it exactly etc. I want him to be smart for so many reasons...but especially as a teacher, I don't want him to struggle. It hurts me to see kids struggle.He love love loves the dog. He opens his mouth for him to kiss/lick him whenever he can and is getting great at grabbing out and snagging him by the collar. We're practicing petting...he opens and closes his hand on his fur. He also loves his jumparoo and is beginning to appreciate the exersaucer. He still adores playing on his playmat and love his bouncy chair. Books...oh, be still my heart! He adores them. He loves to hold them and look at them. He turns pages with me. He eats them of course :-) His whole body wiggles and kicks when he sees favorite books. I love that he loves them.We're at two teeth...boy are they sharp for such little nubs. So far, teething seems to bother him most at night.He talks, screams, shrieks, sings and coos up a storm. I love having conversations with him.He pretty much rocks my world. I don't want the next six months to go this fast. Pretty soon, he won't be my little snugglebug anymore. He'll start moving and off he'll go....I'm so glad I listened to all of the advice I got to not worry about letting him nap on me. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

Little pearly whites

2011-09-03T17:19:00.000-04:00

Sunday, we were walking around at the zoo. We try to sneak off there on Sunday mornings every few weeks--arriving right as it's opening, when it's not crowded and still cool enough that the animals are active. We see a lot of cool things---I love living so close to it. However, this morning, LM was a little fussier than normal and I, in a fine show of my stellar mothering skills had left the pacifier in the car (TH wears him while we're there). So, I was letting him suck on my knuckle occasionally to keep him happy as we finished up. When what to my wondering knuckles did I feel? The tiny, pearly bumps of LM's first tooth! There was just a wee bit of tooth poking through (bottom middle right). But--it was so exciting! His gums have been hard and he's been a fussy drool factory for awhile now so we knew it was coming. I can't believe we're talking about this already!The week carried on...ok, it dragged on. Wednesday night turned from a rough day at work to a hellish night. Though he was in a good mood and went down to bed as normal around 8.......LM woke up at 1030, 1230, 145, 300 and 500. He was fussy fussy and could not be soothed by anything but nursing. My poor woeful supply (used to nursing once or twice during a middle of the night wakeup and then again as breakfast some days) was struggling to keep up. And so was I....I was SOOOOOOOOOOO tired. Suffice it to say, I was not a super fun teacher that day (despite my and Starbuck's best efforts).When I got home that afternoon, LM was in a super duper mood---laying on his playmat singing and laughing at TH. I laid down on the floor with him (and stayed awake!!!) and talked/played with him. It was then that I noticed something.....during the night--that long long night--he had cut a second tooth. Though it wasn't there at ALL Wednesday evening, by Thursday it had caught up to the one that came through Sunday. It was relieving to have a reason for the insanity of the night before--speed tooth cutting is an okay excuse. Let's just not repeat it anytime soon, k?LM now has a matching set of two little pearly white nubs front and center. He hates it when we try to look at them--tongue blocking us at every turn. But, when he shrieks and laughs, we can catch a glimpse. And BOY oh BOY can we feel them when he gets our fingers in his mouth--ouch!He turns six months on Monday. The rate of change just blows my mind! I'll have to start doing full body cavity checks daily to keep up with new changes ;-)

A note on delegating...

2011-08-29T19:52:00.002-04:00

So, a friend of mine sent me this to remind me that sometimes it's okay to share and relax when it comes to doing it all.

"I don't do anything half-assed. I give it my all. And that's why I have such a big ass. Nobody ever died from delegating."

A little bit of Saturday night randomness...

2011-08-27T22:15:00.000-04:00

PJ's with animals on the butt are my favorite...if only they made them for adults...well..maybe they wouldn't look as cute.

Also--when there are matching animals on the feet...that is even better.

Tonight, LM noticed that his feet had doggies on them for the first time (he has lots of animal-feeted/footed pjs). He just kept staring at them, pulling them close to his face and laughing!

My pjs suck :-)

TGIF

2011-08-26T21:49:00.000-04:00

I'm so glad this week is over. Thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. There were just so many little things that added up this week....I was just feeling really low. Thank goodness for you ladies!

It's finally Friday and we've had a nice relaxing evening...despite LM having a cold and ramping up on the teething front. He stayed up much later than normal (even though I did faithfully try to put him down when around his "bedtime") laughing, playing and watching football :-) Then, he ate, snuggled up and passed out in my arms. I love that. It's my favorite thing.

I can't believe he's almost six months.

Thank you again...reading your comments on my phone at work as they came in really brightened my mood. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Oops.

2011-08-23T21:17:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in the midst of all that is tired and holy (ICLW week came at a bad week for m!!) I missed my 100th blog post. Oops!

So much for my resolution to pay more attention to details! Thank you for all of you who have spent these last few months "listening" to me, advising me, commiserating with me and, more than likely, taking bets on how screwed up my kid will be :-) I couldn't have survived it without you. If you're new around here--I hope you're around for #200.

The last few days have been rough around here (TUESDAY!! It's really only Tuesday!!). LM's sleep pattern has gone all random on me. He's going down at a consistent time and getting up at one too...but in between, it's some mind-obliterating randomness of getting up between 0 and 2 times a night to eat. Don't hate on the zero though...it's rare and happened like twice but I cling to it as hope that there is a higher power. I just need some order to it all. I need a pattern. My body can't handle not knowing how many times it's getting up a night...I just need to adjust/adapt/survive. The worst is the 415 feeding...when I crawl back into bed around 430, knowing my alarm is going off in 45 minutes. UGH.

Then, there's work. The beginning of the year is rough rough rough...my 24 4,5 & 6 year olds are kicking my butt this year. Maybe it's the group or maybe it's that I haven't taught since February (and let's be honest...those last few weeks were autopilot, while I tried to stay off my Spongebob Squarefeet). All I know is that I feel my energy drain as the day goes on...and it makes me cranky. And I'm taking it on them. I just builds and builds all day and it's so frustrating by the end of the day. I know it gets better...I've just never had to survive this rough patch while so tired.

Then there's TH. We're both exhausted from school so we snap at each other. I just want to play with LM when I get home so I always want to put off dinner. Then, it turns into the "you never cook" argument and goes from there. He also seems to have ZERO sense of radar when it comes to anything remotely involving anything that may or may not result in having to pretend that I want to DTD. Because I don't. I'm tired. It still hurts because I'm still nursing some. AND..I'll say it again..I'm tired. I realize that it's not 100% fair to him so I try to accommodate but it just worsens my mood.

Can you tell I've had a bad day? Because it sucked. Big time. From greasy hair (boo new hair product) to losing my favorite student to not accomplishing anything before school because I.COULD.NOT.GET.A.PARENT.OFF.THE.PHONE to just in general feeling like I can't accomplish anything these days. Oh--and did I mention I found the jumpdrive I was looking for...in the dryer. After I washed it. Yep.

I promise I'm not usually this cranky, complainy etc. I have an amazing life--an awesome baby (even if he didn't nap at all at daycare today so I'm planning on him not sleeping well tonight) and a great husband (who really puts up with a lot of my neurosis), my dream job. But--sometimes...sometimes it all just feels like too much.

I'm a pusher...I push myself to be the best at things. And that doesn't work as a mom. I'm learning that and I'm trying to accept it. But, I'm bad at relinquishing responsibility at work and I won't spend less time with LM...so...I'm at an impasse.

A cranky one.

Tomorrow will be better. It's hump day.

Anyone know how to say "no" in another language?

2011-08-23T00:05:00.002-04:00

I'm going to have to brush up on some of my old foreign language skills because LM is not going to think "no" applies to anything but the phrase "No "!! To him, it'll be one word. To him it will be what he hears when the dog tries to french kiss him (consensually, I might add), when he barks crazily at nothing and when he tries to steal his favorite thing in the world..burp cloths! No won't mean no.

And as much as I'd love to believe that my darling baby will never misbehave and thus never need to hear the word...I'm sure that he'll hear it quite a bit. So--I'll have to come up with a new way of saying it. Since many of the other languages of the world sound close to "no"....I may have to go tribal...or perhaps Sanskrit (is that spoken or just written?).

Or maybe...I just need a totally new word. Like "tomato" or "bop"...or something else. Those are less than creative I admit.

Any suggestions? :-)

Yummy in the Tummy

2011-08-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, LM got baby food for the first time--squash. He didn't really like the oatmeal and we were looking to try and see if some purees would help settle his stomach and keep some of the formula down. He's been eyeing our food at the table for a couple of weeks now.

He has one of those high-chairs that sits on top of a regular chair and reclines/sits up to all sorts of angles so he's been sitting at the table with us at dinner for awhile and he loves being up there. So, last Sunday we decided to give him some. We went with squash because I'd heard that a lot of babies really love it (we also went organic which is another post for another day). And boy did he love it. He cracked himself smushing it around in his mouth. At first he made an awful face, but quickly realized he enjoyed it. He's so darn cute opening his mouth...when he tries to open it wide, he really just lifts his eyebrows up instead! He ate half the little jar in no time.

The plan is to do some puree at dinnertime so now that we're both at work again, we have a little special family time. When timed right, eating it immediately after he had a bottle really helped him not spit up!! Eventually, he can have something at daycare but for now, I'm keeping it as a special thing with us.

So anyway, we were rocking the squash and I was feeling good about it. So, we introduced a fruit. We figured he would love it--being that it was sweet and he had breastmilk for so long. But, LM looked at us like we were giving him something so nasty he couldn't comprehend why we would do such a thing! He warmed to tolerating it eventually---but he does not appear to be a fruit baby! Yet--I plan to try pears as soon as TH stops whining about how he doesn't like pears and no son of his..blah blah blah. Men are silly.

Surprisingly though (and maybe not to you all), the fruit did not help him keep his formula down any better--it just came up thicker and slightly different colored. Drat!

So we're on the baby food train now...I don't think we'll make our own because we're both okay with buying organic while he still is strictly on purees. I'm not 100% into/comfortable with baby-led weaning but I know that we'll probably not stay on purees for a huge stretch of time--especially once he gets teeth--and we'll do some sort of compromise/modified kind of eating. At least that's the plan...if I've learned anything..it's that LM likes to make his own plan!

Plan B

2011-08-21T13:11:00.000-04:00

Welcome ICLW'ers!!! Please read the Our Story section to find out who we are and where we've come from!! Currently, LM is just shy of six months old and I just returned to work. Life gets crazier every day! I'd love to have you follow us--and I'm always looking for new blogs to follow too!

I watch a lot of shows on HGTV. Not because I have any gardening/decorating/cooking/domestic skills at all...but because for some reason I get sucked into them...oh, and I don't have to pay too close of attention.

I especially like watching all of the home-buying ones---from House Hunters to Property Vir.gins--there's something about watching people make a huge important life decision that I can critique and sometimes mock (seriously, some of the people on those shows have some weird tastes/requirements that I just can't help mocking).

I started watching them when we were house hunting ourselves years ago. Like all things me, it was something I was slightly obsessive about and this show was a good outlet. At first, it was all about the houses and renovations etc. But over the last few years, I've noticed different things. For instance, there seems to be a high number of people who are married couples that have clearly been married awhile and are "just us two". They're always looking for a hip home or a new location that is exotic, urban etc...i.e. not children friendly. They definitely differ from those people who talk about which room would be the nursery or where the swingset could go.

Before the journey of TTC'ing, it wouldn't have occurred to me that there is a high chance that these couples can't have children. Before IF, I always assumed it was a choice. Now I know better.

These couples are pursuing their "plan b".

It got me thinking about what our "plan b" was. We never flat out said we would do "this" if we end up not having children. It was always phrased much more "squishily"...such as, "Well..living downtown doesn't really have big backyards" or "The schools there are kind of iffy". Apparently, our plan was to be those cool hip people who live downtown (as if we live somewhere with a cool downtown!) and eat out at neat cafes and know where all the hip stores are. We'd walk the dog around and hit all the cool festivals. **Note...we're not actually very hip people..I don't think we'd be very good at it if we tried**

It's easy to think about the "plan b" now...with LM talking away in the swing next to me, intermittently projectile spitting up his bottle and laughing. Before, I didn't even realize we had it. When your heart is focused on finding a way to have that precious baby..no matter what...it's impossible to really think about it. At least it was for me.

What about you? Do/did you have one? Is it something you can think about yet? Is yours as totally "not you" as ours really turned out to be?

I learned a lot from my "plan b". I learned that it was something that we were holding on to because if we couldn't have kids, surely it would be we could just be cooler and free-er with our time/social life. It wouldn't mean it was just the two of us (and the dog) sitting at home DVR'ing Hell's Kitchen and House Hunters. It didn't fit who we really are. What would we have done in reality?? No idea. But, I hope that we would've thought about what was really important to us and headed down that road instead of trying to fit the stereotype of childless people.

Who knows? Maybe you would've seen us buying an awesome place on an island on HH International. We would've been the rational, reasonable about our budget limitations and easy-going ones :-) Suuure.

I hope you never have to use your "plan b"...but if you do--I hope it rocks your socks off.

Milestone Alert

2011-08-19T20:56:00.000-04:00

I know it's been slowly happening at daycare but LM fell asleep tonight without being nursed to sleep AND when laid down awake. He talked to himself and then conked out....by 800.

I've been noticing all week that he's been getting sleepy around seven. One night he conked out on TH's lap. This is a new thing because normally he likes to eat at 7 and then play a bit, read, snuggle, eat again and go to sleep. But, this early sleep thing has come out of nowhere and several times he's conked out before he eats...so he wakes up an hour or so later to eat. Tonight, I told myself I'd make sure he ate first.

So, I made a bottle (so if he does wake up in not too long, I can nurse him...my supply isn't up to extra feeds anymore) and when he started rubbing his eyes around 7, I changed his pj's (he'd already spit up allllll over them) and fed him the bottle. After, he was sleepy but still awake enough that we snuggled and talked for a bit. Then, when he started burrowing, I put him down in his crib. He talked for a bit and then BAM...he was asleep. He's still asleep as I write this...so I think I'll reward this milestone with a glass of wine and paint my toenails.

I don't think this will be an every night occurrence...we're not there yet. But--it's a sign that we're moving towards better sleep habits and routines. And...I'm hoping that this leads to STTN....which by the way, he did last Thursday and Friday night AND last night. Maybe daycare slowly wears him out over the week.

Ooh and he's been napping at least an hour twice a day at daycare. Sometimes more. Yay sleep!

Hmm...I had more to say about sleep than I thought...who knew :-)

Who will he be?

2011-08-17T21:30:00.000-04:00

Every year, I am surrounded by a group of kids (some more memorable than others!) that have a variety of personalities. Some are shy. Some are outgoing. Even at five, we have over-achievers and we have students hardened by life. We've got biters, criers and people-pleasers. We have pretty much everything.

There's often a lot of conversation about why the kiddos are the way they are. The whole nature/nurture debate. I teach at a low-income school. A lot of my kiddos have single parent families (including grandparents etc). There is a lot that goes into who they are and how they come to me.

When I think about their personalities, I often wonder how much of what is shining through is who they are..instead of just a result of what they've been through. Is the sweet little girl who always behaves, says please/thank you and looks after the other kids a pleaser because it's her personality or because she already looks after younger siblings, helps her mom remember things and has learned that good behavior helps her blend in so people who want to hurt her don't notice she's around.

There's no way to know.

When I look at LM, I see glimpses of his personality coming out. He's fairly mellow--unless hungry, tired or p'oed. He's a snuggler and loves to laugh. How will this personality develop? Will the things I see be a result of TH and I...or will he be his own little person? How do I get him to be a well-behaved, polite child while still letting his spunk shine through? Can I even control this...or is it all unconscious decisions we make?

I know he'll be who he'll be...I just hope that the best traits in him are caused by joyful life experiences and not a result of struggles and obstacles. I want him to be shaped by positive experiences. I know this is unrealistic...but it's what I want for him.

p.s....no matter how he turns out, he better open doors for women. Gentlemen are too rare these days.

Shh...don't tell.

2011-08-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all your comments and ideas about my daycare post. We're still undecided on exactly how to handle it and for now, we're just going to wait it out and see. The newest little baby doesn't start for a few weeks yet and there's always the possibility that things will change. I'm going to try not to obsess and assess as we get there.

My secret for you in this post is a big one. As someone who is usually rocking the guilt train, this is a new one for me. I haven't been feeling very guilty about taking LM to daycare.

Now, don't get me wrong. I miss him all day long. My classroom is covered in pictures of him. I get text message/picture message updates during the day from the DL. I rush home much earlier than normal to lay on the floor and play with him. Weekends are sacred time--don't try to get me to do anything useful...it's all about LM.

But--I assumed I would be wracked with guilt about leaving him. I thought I would cry each and every day. I thought I would worry and obsess about him not being with me to play, grow and learn. But-I'm learning that this isn't the case.

Despite the fact she's got her hands full, my DL loves to snuggle with LM and that helps me walk out the door in the morning. Seeing him burrow into her and smile at me, I feel better. Knowing that he's FINALLY starting to take longer naps there AND self-soothe himself in the process (please start doing it at home LM! Please!), shows me that he is learning some independence (not that I don't try to turn this around by snuggling and cuddling him all weekend!). My point is, I suppose, that I see him growing and having fun. And socializing...the little girls are majorly crushing on my little man.

I could obsess about not spending all of the time with him. I could think about how I could be teaching him and experiencing with him. But, for some odd reason, I haven't been obsessing. Maybe it's because the start of the school year is always crazy (can I tell you how infrequently I've gotten to sit down??!). Maybe it's because I've missed working.

Whatever the reason, we've settled into a rhythm that doesn't make me feel like a bad mom for working and leaving him somewhere else. Will this change when I start to miss "firsts"? Or when he starts to seem happier to see her?

Probably.

But, for now, I'm enjoying the rare break from self-imposed guilt. It's refreshing for a change. We'll see how long it lasts :-)

Oh, and the fact that he seems to be doing all his pooping at daycare (seriously! I've changed one in the last week!) doesn't hurt either!

Like a dog

2011-08-11T05:53:00.000-04:00

I awoke today feeling grouchy. Maybe it was because I'm 100% exhausted...this whole 515am thing is killing me. LM has been a sweet sweet baby this week and has only woken up once a night all night...and gone back down easily. Until last night---then it took 45 minutes...which isn't long...but it sure sure felt like it. And I have a headache...which means I probably need to drink more water...but that doesn't have caffeine :-)

Anyway--but then I went and let the dog out. He came back in and I tossed him his treat (the spoiled thing gets one everytime he poops OUTSIDE). I go back to sipping my re-heated yesterday coffee (yes, I needed some too soon to wait until the next pot brewed). I noticed that he was dancing around and playing, wiggling his tail at his treat. I wondered WTH dog, why aren't you just eating it and moving on.

And then I noticed that the treat I had given him was really two stuck together..and he was celebrating like he'd won some sort of dog lottery. And so--I'm going to get my attitude turned around and try to find be positive today (the second day of school always seems harder than the first) and find a little something to celebrate about...just like a dog.

WWYD?

2011-08-09T21:39:00.000-04:00

Let me preface this by saying that I really like our daycare lady. She is super sweet, is excited to see LM and he lights up when he sees her.

When we signed up with her last fall, she had two twin 3 year olds (the person who referred us). She told us that she could take up to 5 full time children. All was well and good.

Fast-forward to now---she's added two part time 10 month olds. They're there a few days a week, for part of the day. So it's the twins, LM and the 2 others. I've been feeling a little odd about it all. It seems like a LOT to me. I wouldn't be able to do that all day and I'm a teacher! It seems like LM is getting plenty of attention. But--really, there's no way to know. I know that there's no way to give all of them the amount of attention that I think I'd really want LM to have...but that's a relative thing because he's used to full time mommy and daddy attention (especially after the summer).

I'm trying to be tolerant of it all because it's all new. We just started Monday with him arriving at the normal time and I know that it takes awhile to establish a routine. Oh, and I'm the one bringing the baby who spits up everywhere (multiple outfit changes) and refuses to nap unless held for more than 20 minutes (for her, us, anyone...please be a phase, please be a phase).

But today when TH picked LM up, she told him about a 3 month old that will be starting in a few weeks--the fourth full time child. I already feel like she's overwhelmed and taking on a lot. Another little one...littler than my little one...it just seems like a lot.

We don't feel 100% comfortable with that many but not so much that we're ready to walk (it was really hard to find someone we liked!). I don't know how to express to her how we're feeling. I don't even know if it's my place. I tend to not make waves but maybe we should be.

I want what's best for LM...but I don't want to overreact (or under-react). I've not seen anything that makes me think he's not being taken care of properly. Do I wish she'd hold him more? Yes of course I do...but I'd hold him all day if I could! Do I think some of the spitting up issue could be helped if he sat on her lap instead of a bouncy chair or boppy after he's done eating? Probably. But I don't know what's reasonable.

I basically just need to know what you think about it all and what you'd do. I'm too tired to think deeply...please share your brains with me :-)

Quick update

2011-08-09T06:06:00.000-04:00

I was going to try to squeeze in a real post this morning...but somehow it's already six and I need to get LM fed/up. SO--bullets it is.

*Long day--up at 515, home at 7pm (stupid parent nights).
*Got to spend an hour and a half with LM...BIG DISLIKE
*Cried at daycare again
*He did fine--except for the not napping there thing and the spitting up everywhere thing
*Starting to have a couple concerns about the load of kids she has
*Too tired to think straight today

Hopefully I'll do better tonight!

squints

2011-08-08T05:57:00.000-04:00

Ick. It's early...and I've already been up since 515.

Today starts our first teacher contract day...though technically, I'm still not being paid from maternity leave extension (thank goodness for pro-rated paychecks!).

I feel like the walking dead. After five months of sleep deprivation, no one told me I would have to make coordinated movements--such as makeup--this early. I'm totally down with blearily nursing while surfing the smartphone at this hour...but looking like a human. Yikes.

The real question is...what is LM doing to do when he has to be "gotten up" soon? Will he be a morning person like TH? Or grouchily stay awake up he can fall back asleep like me?

Ugh. I wish we had more money...or less bills/loans/national debt.

Five Months

2011-08-06T15:38:00.000-04:00

LM is five months old--yesterday.

Wow! How did we get to this point so fast?

He is all smiles and giggles. He can roll from tummy to back. He love love loves his feet..sucking on his big toe. He can roll on his side from his back so back to front rolling is not far away!

He nurses at night and drinks formula during the day. He is still a big ole spitter!!!

He sleeps from around 8/830 to 730...waking once or twice a night to eat. In two days, when school starts, it will all change!! Who knows what the next month will bring?

Napping is the enemy at the moment--only 10-15 minutes at a stretch if he's not being held.

He loves his dog. His favorite game is "chase the dog". Mommy and Daddy carry him on his belly like an airplane and "chase" after the dog. He laughs SO hard...and it wears out the dog who runs like a fool! He is starting to understand his jumperoo--moving his hands and body towards what he wants. He still love his bouncy chair and playmat. He now doesn't always hate tummy time--especially with his good head control!

He's a big snuggler...loves getting/giving slobbery kisses. He's becoming a bit of a Daddy's boy--laughing and getting excited when he sees him. He loves following him with his eyes. He still loves to sleep on Mommy though.

He started daycare last week. He has a blast and loves everyone there! If only he would nap!

He eats a little bit of baby oatmeal every so often. He likes it but isn't really interested unless he's really hungry.

He pretty much rocks our world :-)

Looking ahead, our next goals/milestones are likely to be:
*Rolling back to tummy
*Sleeping in longer stretches--just getting up once a night, or not at all *gasp*
*Spitting up less (please oh please)
*Solid foods

Z is the last letter in the alphabet...

2011-08-03T22:05:00.001-04:00

So, it would make sense that it's the hardest for us to achieve.

LM has become really bad about naps lately. The last 2-3 weeks he will only nap for a solid length of time when held. Even our old friend the swing still isn't a lock for a long nap. We've tried letting him play/fuss/put himself back to sleep...it just results in red-faced screaming. As a consequence...his night sleep has been suffering. He's tired early but overtired to the point he can't go to sleep. He goes down, wakes up, etc etc etc It's been taking hours---which is a new thing for us :(

Now that he's in daycare--the problem is exacerbated. He'll take little catnaps, but only if he falls asleep in her arms. He wakes up when she puts him in the pnp. He did conk out in the mini swing for her..but only for a short time and he was cuddling his burp cloth.

So again...overtired baby who wants to nap in the evening at home.

How can I help him nap better---here or daycare? With work really truly starting (early morning alarm clock and all), I am terrified at the idea of bad nights and having to get up and function the next day.

On a similar note--the burp cloth thing got me thinking...he does always grab my hand (or DH's) and pull it to his face to snuggle when he wakes up (but really isn't awake..kwim?) in the middle of the night and we go in to pat him or give him a paci. I feel like he's too young to take his monkey-blanket to bed. He still pulls it over his face....but he does love to snuggle with it in his swing. How old are they normally when they can be trusted with one? Because I'm thinking it'll help....just like being able to stomach sleep when he can eventually master all his rolling moves (and I work up the nerve for it).

I'm just really feeling lost about it all. Now that he's not home with me all day, I just feel anxious about him really getting enough rest so he's happy and healthy. Plus (selfishly) I don't want him to be uber-cranky when we get to see him in the evening.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...there's just a lot on my mind and I'm exhausted...ugh and real work hasn't even started yet.

How it went...

2011-08-02T22:10:00.000-04:00

We survived. He wouldn't nap unless she held him (par for the course these days) and spit up all over the place but she said how much she loved his "talking" and what a good snuggler he was. That reassures me that he didn't sit in a bouncy chair all day.

I cried...but in the car. It was hard hard hard to leave him. But--he looked just fine.

When I got to work, there was a mountain of stuff to deal with so that helped.

What really helped was my wonderful daycare lady texting me a few pictures/updates during the day. It fortified me. She rocks!

TH picked him up and LM took a few bits to smile at me when I got home...but when he did focus on me...man, I love that smile.

He got sleepy earlier than normal..exciting!...but still had trouble falling asleep for like the fifth night in a row. He'll be asleep..then wakes up totally up. Rinse and repeat (from 745-945 tonight). Gotta figure that out.

I guess we do it again tomorrow...hopefully it gets easier each day.

Thank goodness he didn't do anything special/new/milestoney today!

Unraveling around the edges

2011-08-02T07:31:00.000-04:00

In an hour, I'm taking LM to daycare for the first time. It's silly for me to be such a mess...I'll be less than ten minutes away working on my classroom. I can leave and come get him at any point. He loves everyone and will have a blast with her.

But. But. But. But.

He's my baby and today starts the possibility that someone else will see his "firsts".

Last night he discovered he could control his eyelids independently of each other and spent five minutes doing these weird winking things and then cracking himself up over and over. I got to see it and laugh with him.

I don't do well with change. Somehow I've got to pull it together.

p.s.--I'm also exhausted and run down but that's another post for another time.

Speakin' Good

2011-07-31T10:07:00.001-04:00

I'm a big of a "talker"....wait what?!! No, surely, I'm making that up. You never would have guessed that. Err...right.

Anyway--I talk to LM all day long. We talk about what we're doing, what we're doing next, silly talk, running commentaries on whatever and so on and so forth. I know that talking is important to language development, and paired with a few of our baby signs, it will hopefully help LM develop a strong whole language base.

It's always been a pet peeve of mine when I hear people talking to babies with poor grammar usage. It seems like around babies, people who are normally well-spoken adults begin using random tenses, leave out words and just use poor grammar in general. It really bothers me---especially since I see the bad habits children pick up when it comes to grammar when they come to school.

But, like all good parental intentions, I've been catching myself doing it. AAK!! NO!
Just the other day, I heard myself say "You so cute!". No No No...bad Mommy! Why is it so hard to talk that fun syrupy mom talk (occasionally) without lapsing into poor grammar?? It shouldn't be so hard. I'm not perfect with my grammar usage (especially with nearly five months of sleep deprivation in play) but I thought I'd be better about it. I thought I would retain the ability to speak in clear, grammatically correct sentences to my baby. Apparently not.

Will it really hurt him if I'm not the model speaker? Probably not. But, at what point does it become influential on your child? Repeated exposure, like anything, becomes a model for little ones. They are what they live/hear/eat/see/experience. I need to do the following---a)stop worrying about it and b) try a little harder to make sure I model the language I want him to emulate. If he hears the random misspeak...that's fine. But long term, I need to make sure my speech acts as a good model. Just as my interactions with TH will model how to handle annoying people who can't seem to grasp that you're tired and really could care less about the state of the dust on our shelves :-)

Perhaps it's just a pet peeve of mine. Perhaps it's the teacher in me. But, I never thought it would be me dropping these "badder" sentences.

PSA

2011-07-30T00:01:00.003-04:00

I got permission to share a little bit about what happened to Jacob so that other babies can be kept safe.

A couple of months ago, Jacob started rolling front to back. This was a big help for him because with his severe reflux, this is the only way he would nap somedays. He slept in his swing and rock n play for a long time, just recently transitioning to his crib. Like I mentioned, because of his unusual sleeping places, his mom put the Snuza monitor on him. During his third month, Jacob gained a good chunk of weight---he's a super cute little chubby monkey! But, what no one realized, was that he could no longer roll himself over because of the weight gain. He was spending a lot of time in upright toys--jumperoos etc. On a particularly rough day, his mom laid him down in his crib for a nap on his belly. He had had a rough night before and was really cranky/fussy. Both mom and him needed sleep desperately. His mom woke up to his alarm going off--she's not sure how long. Because he could no longer roll over or move his neck as well, he had gotten facedown in the crib and was rendered unconscious from the CO2 he was breathing in. When his mom found him, he wasn't breathing and had no pulse. She ran him downstairs, where she did CPR on him while calling 911. By the time the paramedics arrived, he was conscious but struggling to breathe. He was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Doctors and nurses worked on him and they figured out what had happened. Since he never turned blue (the CO2 basically put him in a stasis before he could suffocate), there is no presumed brain damage and he got to go home that night. He is since happy and acting normally!

His mom on the other hand is dealing with a lot of guilt. She feels that it is all her fault and that she nearly killed her baby. We've reassured her that she had no idea he couldn't roll over anymore/move his neck. I honestly had no idea that changes in weight could result in this---I always went with what people say about tummy sleeping being safe once they can put themselves on it, roll etc. I never knew their skill set could go backwards. It is because of this that she says it's okay to share her story---so that no other baby might be put in a dangerous situation.

As scary as it all is/was for them, I consider myself lucky to know them. She is an amazing mom who knew how to rise above crisis and save her baby. She is handling her guilt admirably and using her mistake to help keep other babies safe. It has taught me an important lesson on assuming nothing in parenting. Thank goodness LM doesn't like to roll unless necessary, so I've never considered it remotely safe to let him sleep like that.

I hope this helps you and your little ones and little ones you may know.

Irony

2011-07-29T14:28:00.000-04:00

Today is our last summer fun day. We still have next week off before being on contract time but we'll be spending most of it getting our rooms ready. Normally we'll pop in and work a bit during the summer but I haven't wanted to be away from LM anymore than I have to.

As we're organizing and getting things ready for him to start at daycare next week, it has occurred to me that I'm going to have to prepare myself mentally as well. Not only have I not been at work since mid-February but I've never spent more than a couple hours away from LM since he was born. That's a big change for both of us. Our little sweetheart has been spoiled by having me home for almost five months and TH home for all but six weeks when he had to go back to work after his paternity leave. We pretty much are our own little special cocoon of family.

I'll have next week to adjust to dropping him off and working out the kinks (additional supplies, nap difficulties, bottles etc). But, when I think about the first real day of school that I have to drop him off...I pretty much have a bit of a panic attack. We have to walk out the door on time, get through drop off ok and make it to work on-time/early enough to handle the numerous first day of school fires (like the time I showed up and was given five extra students to prepare for).

There's going to be a lot of irony that day. After I gather all of my kindergartners from the buses and car rider area, they all have to say goodbye to the parents who have brought them. I'm a mean teacher and I don't allow parents to follow us into the classroom. The kids stay upset, the parents stay upset and are generally in the way. So--for us to get off to a smooth start and get our day going, my rule is that everyone says goodbye in the hall. It's not a popular edict with some of the parents. But--it is what it is. AND it works.

But this year, about an hour before all of this happens...I'm going to be the one not wanting to leave my baby on this big day. I'll be the one fighting back tears. And DL will be the one making me say goodbye before I'm ready.

I totally get the irony...I do. I wonder if that'll change anything :-)

A natural proclivity towards paranoia

2011-07-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

I had a long post planned about our visit with the IL's and all the things I need to vent about somewhere where TH won't see it :-)

But, the whole thing with Jacob yesterday has thrown me for a loop. And I need to write about how I'm feeling instead.

I'm a worrier...I get it from my mom, who is the queen of worrying. I'm not a crazy, bubble wrap my baby kind of worrier. I am just cautious and I think things through. I can come up with a whole host of scenarios for what "could" happen with most things in my life. I analyze and usually take the cautious route. I did well in school because I hated the idea of disappointing my family. I behaved in college because I worried what would happen if I got in trouble doing something wrong.

I can talk a big game, but I usually only take calculated risks.

As a mom, I worry about keeping LM safe. I worry about the decisions I make and how I will feel about them in the long run. I worry I'll miss the big things when I go back to work.

BUT--I'm not the paranoid mama I thought I would be. When he sleeps an unexpectedly long time, I don't wake up in a panic. I don't check on him in the middle of the night. When he's being watched by my mom or TH, I don't create horrible scenarios about what might be happening. I don't visualize him being dropped. I'm strangely much more rational and calm.

Which totally goes against my norm.

But last night and today...I'm worrying. I worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep...possibly struggling to breathe all alone in his crib down the hall. I worry that there's something wrong with him that we don't know about. I worry about him napping at daycare starting next week. Just when I'm supposed to be starting to worry less about him...as the risk of SIDS is going down, as he can move his own body more and eventually choose his own sleep position...then I realize how much of a reason to worry I have. I just want to swaddle him up and put him back in his PNP by my pillow.

I also worry about how I would react in a crisis. How do you know you'd know what to do? Is it like when your car skids on the ice and you're taught to turn into the skid but who the heck can remember that when you're sliding...so you just react and you do it right???

Would I be able to save my baby? Would I be able to forgive myself if I couldn't? Or if I could have prevented something bad happening by worrying about it more and being proactive about a solution.

Jacob's mom had a Snuza for him...because she worried, not because there was a known concern. And it saved his life. Her instinct to give him CPR and revive him from unconsciousness saved his life.

It's heavy stuff.

I just can't stop worrying today. And I can't shake the horrible nauseous feeling that comes with it. The confidence I was gaining as a FTM is rocked to the core..because what do I really know? What if I'm so hung up on something silly like bottle nipple flow that I miss something important?

I was doing ok. And now, my worrying side is back. Does that "feeling" in your stomach ever go away?

An urgent request (updated!)

2011-07-25T22:00:00.003-04:00

One of the little babies in my birth month group stopped breathing today. Thank god for his Snuza monitor going off(no breathing, no pulse) and even more than that---his amazing mom performed CPR on him. They're at the hospital trying to figure out why.

I know now everyone prays but if you do, please include little Jacob in your prayers.
If you don't, please send a positive thought out into the universe for him.

Not, I'm going to go kiss my LM (and possibly start sleeping on his floor). Give your LO's an extra hug tonight.

**Little Jacob is home and doing well. For privacy reasons, I'll leave out the personal medical details. But--the most important thing is that he's home--happy and safe--with his parents. Thanks for everything you did!**

The cool side of the pillow

2011-07-23T11:57:00.002-04:00

You know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night hot and bleh...and then you flip your pillow over and it's nice and cool? Ahh...lovely.

I've discovered that LM has the same opinions about pacifiers. Last night after his middle of the night feed, he wasn't falling back asleep. He was squirmy and unhappy. I kept trying to coax him to take his paci but he kept spitting it out after a few sucks (yes, I checked to make sure it didn't have something on it). Finally, I grabbed another one that for some odd reason had ended up in his room and gave it to him.

It must've been just like that feeling when you flip to that cool side of the pillow, because he started sucking away and passed out.

Whatever it takes :-)

Routines

2011-07-22T21:19:00.000-04:00

As a kindergarten teacher, I know how important routines, procedures and repetition are to successful learning/living.

I also know that having routines in your home help your baby/child/dog know what to expect and that this comforts them. I can't wait to have more "routines" with LM.

But, what I've noticed lately, is that I've developed my own mama routines. Strange little things that have become a habit...unintentionally.

For instance, when I climb into bed at night, I do the following:
I turn on the monitor
I turn the monitor to that the lights face directly at my pillow
Set my phone down in front of the alarm clock
Put a ponytail holder around my phone so when I get up to feed LM at night, I will be able to pull my shedding hair back as I walk down the hall.
Set my glasses down between my phone and the bottle of water I keep on my nightstand.
Turn off the lamp.

Now...would the world end if I didn't follow this routine every night? No. At least I don't think so. But, it helps me settle in for the night. I know that in the throes of sleep deprivation and that fabulous sensation of waking up in the middle of a weird dream to cries, I will be able to grab my phone and glasses and be on my way in no time. With no thought :-)

My other slightly embarrassing routine is slightly more of a superstition. After I turn out the light and close my eyes, I calculate.

I calculate how long it's been since LM went to sleep. And how many hours it has been since he ate. I then tell myself something like this, "Ok, he's been asleep for two hours, it's been two and a half since he ate. It's 1030 now...I'll be 'ok' if he sleeps until 1. That'll give me enough sleep...it'll be ok.". Then, I think...but I really want him to sleep until 3.

It's my little superstition. It makes me fall asleep thinking that he won't wake up in 30 minutes. And if he doesn't sleep as long as I want...I've convinced myself that it's ok. I want him to sleep until a certain time, but I always "undershoot" it so that I am pleasantly surprised if he sleeps longer.

I know this makes no sense. But, it helps me. And it reinforces my belief in the importance of routines in parenting.

Buttoned up

2011-07-19T22:02:00.000-04:00

At least that's what I tried to do with my mouth today when we met with the daycare lady. Now, don't get me wrong...I talked. I asked my questions and answered hers about LM. I even chit-chatted about her daughter and losing teeth (I really don't like small talk!).

But, what I managed to do even more than talk was something much more important---I watched. I watched our daycare lady (henceforth known as DL) light up at the sight of LM. I watched her snuggle him, talk to him, marvel at his chunky thighs and arm rolls & introduce him to the other little ones---two 10 month old little girls (there are twin 3 year olds that will start when the school year starts up).

I watched her love my son. Now my cynical side realizes a little bit might have been for show---but honestly, it didn't appear anymore faux than when I turn up the syrupy factor when the principal pops into my classroom...not fake, just not something I have the energy to do 100% of the time.

She seems to truly love babies. She incorporated him into their day while I watched...bringing out the bumbo for him while she changed a diaper, holding him while she helped another little one work on her green beans in the high chair. I watched while she disciplined her own 11 year old daughter who was there (and a bit high-maintenance, touchy feely with the babies for my taste but hey! she'll be in school soon and she was really good with them..so my hang up mostly).

And then, I watched while he fell asleep on her lap...and she shifted him to rest on his stomach on her chest...like I had mentioned to her very early in the visit about how he really loves to sleep when we're softies and don't make him nap in his crib or PNP.

So, overall, it'll be good. He was happy and mellow the whole visit..taking it all in. I think she really is sincere in her excitement and joy about him...his birth announcement was in the collage of her daycare kids photos. I'm glad we went and more importantly, I'm glad I watched more than I talked :-)

**Some nuts and bolts just in case you're interested**
We have to provide a PNP (so we're now in the market for a simple, cheap but comfy one), diapers (we'll leave a box for her), bottles/formula (I LOVE that she already has some kiddos who take warmed bottles and some that do room temp like us, so I know she's down with it), extra clothes and a lovey if he wants one. Besides that, we'll leave our diaper bag with random normal stuff in it since TH will do pick-up and I'll do drop off.

She has wipes, a swing, bouncy chair, bumbo, age appropriate toys etc. She'll use whatever sippy cups etc that we transition to but in her story-telling (man, can she talk!) she talked about how she likes to buy toddler things like plates, silverware and cups in colors they like so they have their own little set...so I think her tendency leans towards making it a little bit more like they're a part of her home and spoiling! She also will cook some table finger foods when they're older--fruits, veggies etc. For instance, today she made green beans for the girls on top of their baby food.

Anyway--he'll start for six hours Tues-Friday the first week of August for a trial while I start prepping for the school year. I'm excited...nervous but excited.

Hope her ears are ready :-)

2011-07-18T15:24:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow LM and I are going to go hang out with the daycare lady that we chose. This will be the first time he's met her...not sure how all the time disappeared, I had meant to do a couple meet n greets before leaving him. But--since I am a Grade A procrastinator, we're visiting tomorrow and he starts limited visits the first week of August when I go into school to start setting up for the start of school the following week.

I'm not sure if you've noticed this about me...but I don't take the short route of saying anything. So tomorrow, I KNOW I am going to have the overwhelming urge to tell her each and every little thing about LM...at least all of them I think she needs to know to make things go smoothly. Ok Ok...so it'll be each and every little thing about him.

There are so many things I feel like she needs to know. Part of that is my fault. As we are currently transitioning to formula and losing the swaddle, discussing feeding habits/info and napping info is not exactly straight-forward. The whole he "most naps after he has eaten and played but sometimes he falls asleep after he's eaten and normally naps 30-45 minutes at a time except for the times that he naps for 1-2 hours etc etc" conversation will probably end with me tongue-tied and her confused. The type A part of me wants to type it all out but I should probably wait until after we meet and I can judge a) how clearly I explained things and b) my perceived interpretation of her reaction.

Heck--I'm not even sure what all to tell her. I'm hoping she is a good question asker. I've got a list of things I want to talk about but man, I'm not good at these conversations. The wordiness might get out of control! I'm also a little unsure about what is "normal" to be expected to bring/leave at an in-home daycare (5 kids including LM) and what might be FTM not knowing I'm being duped. Not that I don't trust her...I just always feel like I may be offering to do/provide too much.

Any tips? Experiences? Anything to help me not turn into a crazy speed talker :-)

“Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.” - Arthur Helps

2011-07-17T18:11:00.000-04:00

That pretty much sums up why Half Price Books made me go into labor. Did I ever tell you that?

Ok..slight exaggeration. I didn't go INTO labor there. But, I blame them.

I had been home on workrest for 2 1/2 weeks when I couldn't take it anymore.

What is workrest, you ask?? Workrest is when your feet look like Spongebob Squarepants and your cankles would look at home on an elephant...then your doctor tells you it's time to stop chasing around the kinder-sweeties and get off your feet.

Luckily, after a few days at home the the swelling went down (and by "went down" I mean that five pounds worth of fluid went away). I finished nesting (not a long process as I was planning to work until 2 days before my DD and had gotten most things done during a lovely ice storm that cancelled school for several days). I puttered around the house pretending to do things so that TH wouldn't realize I mostly just slept in and watched Cr.iminal Minds, House Hunters and CSI all day. But finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt great. My Braxton-Hicks had stopped and stripping my membranes hadn't accomplished anything. I had been the same amount dilated/effaced for 3 weeks. I WAS GETTING OUT.

So, I went to Half Price Books. I meandered around, buying a nice slew of chick lit, mysteries and a few "what to do after the baby comes" type of books. I figured that this would give me plenty of time to read up a little on what to do with the the little man whose feet lived in my ribcage and then read fun, mindless books until my induction (scheduled for three days after my DD...another story).

I came home, wiped off the kitchen counters (you know, making it look like I had accomplished something!) and took a nap. Later that night, I was wide awake (yay third tri insomnia) reading The Girlf.riend's Guide to the First year when *POP*...my water broke. I retrieved TH from the guest room (someone said I snored) and off we went on our new journey...

So, I blame HPB as why I went into labor 26 hours before my DD and mere hours after I SWORE to anyone that would listen that I wasn't giving birth anytime this decade. Way to make me look like a fool HPB :-)

Aren't you glad I shared this with you? I figured I would share this story since today I went back to HPBooks for the first time since that day. I had run out of books (well, ones not on my kindle) and had a coupon for $5 off. As I wandered through the aisles, I remembered that day...how hard it was to squat down and get books off the bottom shelf, how awkwardly I hauled my bag of books to sell around and how I was so sure I'd read them all before LM came.

Haha.

The funniest thing was when I saw a book that I sold back that day...on the clearance shelf, with the purple sharpie smudge on the spine from a minor sharpie mishap I had. It's amazing to me that in as much as my life has changed in the last four months, that book had sat snugly in its spot on the shelf, waiting for someone to take it home and love it. And in fact, hadn't changed at all.

There's a lot of uncertainty in life and there's a lot of fluidity. Some things are out of our control and some things we over-control. I used reading and book-shopping as a way of dealing with my uncertainty (and some ironically hubris-like certainty) about giving birth. I was avoiding thinking about what was actually about to happen...because I was sure it wasn't.

Getting off my ever-growing a** and going to Half Price Books that day was probably the "get up and move around" that I needed to jump start things. All the books on those shelves have seen a lot of people walk by since then...people sure and unsure about where their lives were taking them. They watch and wait for the right person. And someday, someone will buy that book and take it home to read and maybe love it...and hopefully not go into labor (unless they want to).

(I never did finish reading the book I was reading that night...maybe I should get to it!)

Letters to LM

2011-07-16T15:09:00.000-04:00

Dear LM,

I know you love the dog and I love that you know how to get your hands from point A to point B. But please stop sticking them out for the dog to lick. On that same note, please stop laughing when he licks you in the mouth. It makes us laugh and now the dog thinks it's a fun trick.

It's all well and good until he sneaks up on me and does it to me.

Love,
Mommy

Like a middle-aged man

2011-07-15T09:39:00.000-04:00

I know you have never seen me or my hair, but you'll have to trust me that I'm going to be bald soon. I've always had thick hair--somewhere between shoulder and chin length after a series of unfortunate years where it was WAY too long. I didn't get "pregnancy hair"---it didn't get thicker, more luxurious or growth like a weed. It did get less oily, which was nice.

However, I figured that since it didn't really change during pregnancy that I wouldn't have some of the post-partum affects I had read about. But, like clockwork, around 12 weeks old...I started shedding.

And shedding and shedding and shedding. I have to wear my hair in a ponytail because I shed all day long. I have a daily freakout that there is a bug on me when a stray hair hits my skin. I even pull it back in the middle of the night when I get up to feed LM----and I often don't even put my glasses on! It's in the carpet (thank god for Dynson's), it's on the counters and it's even IN my dog (trust me...you don't want to know how he know he's ingested it).

I figured it would stop soon...it didn't. I'm SO tired of it. I really don't think the "bald" look is for me...I can't really pull off the middle-aged man look well.

On our way....

2011-07-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, LM had his first bottle of formula. I tried it "straight up" instead of mixing it with breastmilk at first so we could see if he'd take it that way.

He did. He sucked it down like we've been giving it to him since he was born. It was harder than I thought to see that. In the back of my mind, I figured he would prefer BM and that it was a "special" thing. But--my uber-flexible baby was good to go with it. We only did one feeding yesterday but since I really wasn't too uncomfortable, I think I'll start dropping two a day---one am, one pm--leaving the breakfast/bed ones until last in case I change my mind about stopping those.

It's such a big step for us. I know that some babies get formula from Day 1 but to me, I feel like we're going down this new path where LM is growing up. This path has bottles, daycare, returning to work, solids etc all on it....I can't believe how fast it's flying by. I see LM doing new things every day and I know this isn't stopping :)

So, we're exploring formula now and learning lots of things....like the smell sucks. It's also a lot thicker when LM spits it up. I'm still trying to figure out how many ounces to give him and if the brand we're using is "the one". I've also got to figure out a better way to mix bottles without making a mess when I'm shaking it.

But, he seems happy and still snuggles with me while he eat so I guess we're one step further down this path.

Wascally Wabbit

2011-07-13T12:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday LM went to the pedi for his 4 month.
His stats are:
Weight: 16 lb 2 oz (61.34%)
Height: 25 7/8 in (76.06%)
Head: 16 1/8 in (24.84%)
General comments: happy, good head control, affectionate and healthy

He also got his shots...which I hate. He seemed to get madder about them this time. Getting all red-faced and screaming. It took him a few more minutes to calm down this time. But, once he did, he was good to go. He was fussy and sleepy in the evening but seems to be in good spirits today.

Which brings me to my title...LM's band-aids are about the cutest little things ever---Bugs Bunny. They looked adorable on his chunky little thighs, complementing his rolls well. But, they were going to meet their end this morning during his bath. However, LM had his own idea.

He was playing on his playmat--laughing and drooling while I loaded the dishwasher. When I was done, I went over to him just in time to see him stick the band-aid IN HIS MOUTH! Somehow, he had managed to pull it off and coordinate his little hands to get it in his mouth. Thank god I walked over when I did. It never occurred to me that he could pull hard enough AND get his fingers/grasp just right to be able to pull it off. When I think of what the outcome could've been...eesh. I guess it is a good example of how coordinated he has become since his last shots.

That other band-aid came off lickety-split.

And then there were donuts....

2011-07-12T10:15:00.004-04:00

Three years ago today, TH and I got married.

Despite a few minor glitches (like our unity candle almost setting the church on fire...no joke!), I got to marry my best friend. And then we had donuts :-)

I can't believe he puts up with me :-)

With LM, our family is complete (for now....).

Current Love

2011-07-09T16:23:00.001-04:00

This is our current love. We are starting to teeth...or LM has bought stock in a drool factory and is singlehandedly in charge of supplying the inventory!

So, we've broke out all the fun things to gnaw on. This is a clear favorite. Made by MAM, all four rings are chewy, textured fun and (my favorite part), rotate which helps LM hold on to it. I'm so glad I read about this in a magazine and added it to my registry!

Bring it on teeth!

TH: The Parenting Expert

2011-07-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

A while back I talked about our attempt at un-swaddling....our failure rather. I had big plans on how we'd try again. We'd start out by leaving his arms out at night for a few nights, then do the same for naps. Then, we'd totally un-swaddle at night for a few rough nights, then add in naps too.

FYI--I chose night first over naps because if he gets good naps, then he naturally sleeps better at night. So I figured it would be best to start at nights....though, what do I know? I just make this stuff up as I go along :-)

Anyway--I went out to a Wine & Canvas night with my BFF last night and TH had bedtime duty. Normally, this is my realm because LM tends to fall asleep during/immediately after his last nursing session, so I put him to bed. This was his first time to handle it. I left him bottles and had the swaddle sack all laid out for him. While I was out, I get a picture on my phone of LM rocking some new super cute sleeper pj's that we bought him. I remarked on how cute he looked and because I was engrossed in my painting (oh...and I had some wine!) I didn't pay attention to what time it was.

Well...long story kinda short.....TH decided that he was just going to put LM to bed unswaddled last night. Because...and I quote...."I wanted him to wear the new pj's". (Normally he just wears a little onesie under his sleep sack because it gets hot). So, my new parenting expert husband clearly used all of the research and knowledge he has to make this decision (Can you hear the sarcasm?).

It didn't go horribly. Ok, yes it did. He was up to eat 2 or 3 times (I'm so tired I honestly don't remember how many times..is that bad?) and once or twice for just some patting/paci/soothing. By the end, the last time I patted him, he did flop out right back to sleep so I guess he liked it. But...I feel so groggy today. The one time that TH went into soothe him turned out to be the time that he really needed/wanted to eat.

So, like all best laid plans, we're on a different course now. I'm willing to give it a few nights to see how it works. He is a few weeks older and has discovered the love of sucking on his fingers and playing with his feet since last time, so maybe it'll work. But...damn...I had gotten used to getting up once for a feed at night.

Besides...I wouldn't want TH to not get to put all the cute sleepers on LM and ruin the parenting study he's doing :-)

Winding down...

2011-07-07T09:28:00.000-04:00

I know that people have strong opinions on the whole issue of breastfeeding, formula, weaning etc. Please know that I believe to each his own.

I enjoy breastfeeding LM. It's been a really smooth process amazingly....I was sure there'd be problems. But--he latched right on and never looked back. It's always been my plan that I would transition him to formula when it was time for school to start up. Yes, I know I could pump. But the age group I teach is high maintenance and requires a lot of energy and time at the start of the school year. Most years, the first week of school usually results in me grabbing a quick snack while running around on my one break of the day (we don't get a second prep until later in the year when we feel the kids are more self-sufficient for not all of the teachers to be there). I don't sit down and honestly, there's just not going to be time to pump on the one break. I'm trying to be realistic. The last thing I want is for LM to be relying on pumped breastmilk (my freezer stash is pathetic---I can only pump about 3oz at a time, on a good day) at daycare and my supply tank. I have panic attacks at the thought of leaving him at daycare after so long home together, so I cannot imagine trying to transition to formula in the midst of all of that.

He'll be 5 months three days before school starts. We plan to start solids at 6 months. (I totally get that this statement doesn't fit here...but I wanted to include it and couldn't figure out a good spot for it).

Once things settle down at school, I'll still have just the one late morning break. And I could pump...but honestly---this is my one time a day to sit and talk with my team, get things done etc...and I know how stressed I get when I lose this. I don't want to be a stressed, mean teacher...and as a result, a cranky mommy. I get that some people might view this as selfish....and it probably is. But, it's something I've been really really thinking about and I feel comfortable with my decision.

Guilty, but comfortable.

I'll miss the time with LM but he loves bottles and will take them from me, so hopefully we'll still get our snuggle time. Plus, it'll help TH and him get some much needed snuggle time as he'll be back to school too.

So right now, I'm exploring the idea of weaning (without feeling like my bo.obs will explode) and learning about formula/bottles etc. It's a lot to learn about....and I feel a little overwhelmed. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like not being "good" at something right away so I have anxiety about the transition. I'd love advice from anyone who has weaned (un)successfully and anyone who can give me tips about formula/bottle and all of the life lessons you've learned.

We go to the pedi next week for our 4 month so I'll talk with her about it then and get her advice too. But--you know I love the real mama advice.

So we'll start soon....but until then, I'm just going to enjoy my time breastfeeding LM and prepare ourselves for this new transition. And boy..it's a big one.

What a surprise...

2011-07-06T09:39:00.000-04:00

I hate calling customer service lines. I hate the options to listen for/punch in, trying to understand the person (I inevitably get a bad connection) and everything else. To top it off---I get nervous trying to explain why I called and end up sounding like a fool as I stutter over myself. It doesn't matter if it is a simple request, question etc...the way I behave, you'd swear I was trying to pull a heist.

We've been struggling with an insurance claim for LM---yes, since March. The hospital mistakenly filed the claim under his name even though he was still under my umbrella of insurance (and yes, it took multiple conversations to figure out the problem). There was a lot of back and forth between me and the insurance company & me and the hospital. I was starting to get worried I'd get stuck with the $4000+ bill because the hospital seemed clueless about it all!

BUT--for once, it was a great customer service experience on the insurance side. Every time I called An.them, the agent on the phone was helpful and *gasp* informative. If they didn't know the answer, they didn't send me on to someone else with the inevitable long hold time...nope...they found the information themselves. This last time, after realizing that the provider was going to have to write off some of the cost and the hospital was days away from taking out a hit on me, the customer service agent said that she would just put me on hold and call them herself to get it straightened out....and she did. Bam! Just like that.

So for once, I had a great experience with customer service. I honestly still can't believe they were that helpful..and made phone calls for me. I know have extra time since LM is still napping and I didn't end up on the phone the whole nap as I imagined! And now TH will get off back about taking care of it :-)

It's almost enough to make me call a customer service line next time instead of looking for an email or online chat option.....almost.!

Happy Independence Day!

2011-07-04T12:06:00.000-04:00

This time of year, there's always a lot of talk about freedom and independence. Usually, it has to do with the basic rights we have in this country. Or appreciation of the brave military men and women who give/gave/will give their lives to defend this freedom.

However, late last night while I was up pumping, it occurred to me that the idea of independence has shaped motherhood as well.

We are able to put off being mothers until we are ready and able. We are able to use science and technology to help us be mothers when our bodies need support. We are able to choose to mother other's children when they cannot. We are free to talk about the struggle of not being able to be a mother and advocate for the funding etc to help support those in this struggle.

We are able to choose whether to work or stay at home. We are able to decide whether to breastfeed or formula feed. Our babies can co-sleep, sleep in a crib/bassinet or wherever we can get them to sleep. We have the independence to choose what parenting "methods" we want to use---whether it be discipline, sleep training, attachment parenting etc. We have the freedom to cloth or disposable diaper. We are have the freedom to research and learn about how we want to raise our children. And we have the equality in the home to have our voices heard about these issues. The list goes on and on.

Being a mother today is much different than our mothers and grandmothers. The freedom and independence that a mother today has is a special thing. And it will only continue to grow. Our babies (or their wives, partners etc) will be even more independent from the guilt that accompanies many of our parenting decisions. They will have an independence that allows them to "mother" their children that women generations ago could only dream of.

So, on this Independence Day, be thankful for this special kind of independence we enjoy---it's made possible by all of the other freedoms we celebrate today.

Preservation

2011-07-03T09:41:00.001-04:00

I know awhile ago, I wrote about how I was making a photobook out of LM's photos (I did finish it by the way--Picasa's new photobook tools rock! Plus I got it for only shipping!).

But, I've been looking for more ways to preserve data and memories about him---especially since I know that I'll probably start slacking on his baby book.

So---I came across this ---> Kidmondo. It's an online 'baby book'. You can upload photos, create growth charts, blog/make diary entries and just in general keep track of things. I've only been playing with it for a few days now but I really like it! Hopefully it will help me keep up! Plus--I can share it with other family members!

Just wanted to share!

The damages...

2011-07-03T06:00:00.002-04:00

I thought since I bored you with what I took, I'd share with you what I actually used. Data and all.

3 outfits per day---plus an extra couple outfits----so 15 outfits. That's two onesies and a romper per day give or take. We had a favorable spit up week and used only about 9 outfits.
3 pair of shorts, two pair of pants We only used the shorts...too hot for the pants.
5 onesies to sleep in We used 3 of the 5 onesies--the other nights he slept in the onesie he had on when he crashed
2 sleepers in case needed Not needed
2 overalls---long and short Not needed
2 hoodies Not needed
2 long-sleeved onesies Not needed
4 pair of socks Used just one
1 big blanket for the floor Worked out well!
2 smaller snuggley blankets Big help for laying him on top of furniture/bed etc to play
2 swaddle blankets Used 1 for naps
1 swaddle sack Wished we had two...the first night he added a feeding and peed through it by the morning
2 extra PNP sheets Used one extra plus the one already on it
PNP Obviously important as he slept in it nightly!
Playmat Didn't end up getting it out--I laid a blanket down and played with toys with him. It if had rained more, we probably would've got it out.
Swing (yes, the full-size one. It's a big cabin and LM takes at least one nap a day in it--plus, if all hell breaks loose, he can sleep in it at night) So glad we took it--it worked for a couple naps plus some baby dolls got to ride in it too.
3 carriers--my Baby K'tan (swoon), Ergo and Baby B'jorn (for TH) These were lifesavers as where we went ended up being not very stroller friendly. The Ergo ended up being a bit hot but TH carried him in the Bjorn quite a bit. And I used the K'tan to both carry him and soothe him the first night.
Diapers (lots) We went through 35-40 diapers of the ~60 we took.
Wipes (lots) We went through almost a 64 pack. I didn't touch the extra pack we took.
Mini baby shampoo, lotion and baby wash Body wash was used for a sponge bath.
Aquaphor We put this on some of his cute leg rolls when they got irritated from heat.
Nighttime books Our nighttime routine was changed up some so we didn't get to these.
Random toys (plus the ones on the playmat) I'm glad I took the toys--we used a lot of them but I could've left some. He's starting to drool/teeth so it helped that I brought some of his teething squishy ones.
Stroller Didn't use it as much as I thought.
Baby brush and nose sucker Didn't use
Baby monitor Lifesaver as the place we stayed had 3 stories and a hot tub :-)
Breast Pump Didn't end up needing it but obviously would take it again!
Milk storage bags Not needed
4 bottles (emergencies....in case I might have an extra glass of wine or leave him with my BIL/SIL for a bit) Again, didn't need them but necessary.
Diaper bag (of course) Never leave home without it
Every burp cloth we own We actually made it through the week with some leftover--yay less spit up!
All pacifiers We kept track of all of them! But LM developed quite a penchant for his fingers this week so we weren't even using them all.
Swimsuit, swim diaper Didn't end up using them.

But

Speechless

2011-07-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

One year ago today (at about this time of the morning), this is what I was.

Speechless.

I had convinced myself we were out. It was 15dpo and I certainly didn't feel pregnant. Our timing was poor---just once "in the window". I was so sure that I'd wasted a Clomid round.

But, I was wrong.

Seeing those double lines on the pregnancy test was not a moment I had prepared myself for. All of the other times, I'd be excited and hopeful and "sure" I'd see them. I was wrong. When it actually happened, it was amazing to see. I thought I'd pass out from shock. My stomach dropped and immediately, I felt giddy.

I wanted immediately to tell TH. But, he'd been out partying with friends the night before and was still out cold. I knew from experience that waking him up from a night out would not result in the best of moods or reactions---and that was not how I wanted our moment to be. So, I waited.

I had lunch plans with the BFF. I wanted so bad to tell her but knew TH should come first. I had already told the F.ertility Friend message boards because I had to get it out! I bought a digital test so that I could show TH the word pregnant so it was obvious.

When I got home, I POAS and went downstairs to show him the good news. In true male fashion, he was excited but asked whether I was sure...umm...duh! We went out to dinner to celebrate and talk about our excitement.

I tried to keep my excitement in check though...I had read far too many stories about losses. Due to the Fourth of July holiday, I wasn't able to get in for a beta until Monday. We spent the holiday weekend with family, keeping our secret close.

And now my little secret is downstairs napping in his swing, making sucking faces in his sleep. We wanted him for so long and we finally got him. And every day is still an amazement.

Home Sweet Home

2011-07-01T18:57:00.000-04:00

Yay! We're home! What is it about vacations that make your more tired than before you left?

With a week of sketchy cell coverage and no internet, I'm feeling technologically deprived! I have several posts I've written in my head that I'll be publishing in the next few days but, tonight I'd like to share with you the one thing I came away with from my vacation...

I'm going to stop worrying about when he's hitting milestones, whether he's "textbook" or how he compares to others. Unless a doctor tells me to worry or my gut tells me something...I'm going to focus on raising a child that is respectful, helpful and a good person.

(Can you tell that I spent the week with some children who are allowed to talk back?)

Okay...back to laundry! I missed you!