Truly the second child...

PS is truly the second child...because if she weren't..she'd probably be our only.

She has reflux--and even medicated twice a day--it still bothers her. Her fussiness is better--she smiles and coos (at us sometimes, at her flower decals above her changing table...always!). She still is hard to console in the evening...she still has some witching hour tendencies. This usually indicates to me that she is ready for her evening dose but even so, she's happiest when being held by mama. TH is great with her and helps out a ton with LM...but most times, she just won't calm down for anyone but me...me rocking/swaying/bouncing etc. It's hard--sometimes I just want to put her down or for her to just STOP. But, I know that she'll calm soon, so we power through. I'm going to have killer back/ab muscles soon!

This last week, after giving her the first bottle of formula in preparation for the return to work (as you might remember from LM, pumping at work is a stressful, not productive endeavor for me so we're sticking with formula during the day and hopefully bf'ing at night/breakfast), PS was a bit fussier than normal until about 5 hours post bottle (3oz) when she became covered in hives! Cue major freak-out on my part---all topped off with a heaping helping of guilt. Later that night, she had two poopy diapers with some blood in them, as well as an increased mucous amount (lately, post starting Zantac her diapers have become more green/mucousy). Again---Fah-reak out! I researched, consulted the mamas in LM's FB group who are experts in allergies etc and pretty discovered that we were most likely dealing with a milk protein/soy intolerance. I've been reducing my dairy intake over the last month or so to see if it would help. Luckily, the next day we had her 2month well-baby check up anyway so we were able to get into talk with the pedi about it. Nonetheless, I spent all of the night worried and listening to her breathe.

Her pedi took a look at the pictures of her hives (gone by this point), looked at the diapers and talked with us about my diet, the formula etc. She immediately suggested MPSI as a strong possibility and got a referral to a pediatric allergist going. She told me to cut out all dairy until we talked with the allergist and he gave his rec's.  She gave us a sample of some hypoallergenic formula--no milk protein, soy etc. We tried a bottle of it with her the next day--she HATED the taste, which I heard was to be expected but she took a couple of ounces so we figured we would keep trying (I'm only replacing 1-2 feeds a day until next week).  We were able to get an appointment (at the crack of dawn) with the allergist the next day (48 hours after this all started). He listened to what happened and said that he wanted to do the skin prick test for a milk allergy.  However, he explained that the blood in her diaper tells him that her body can't handle milk so even if she tests negative for the milk allergy, she still has an intolerance and shouldn't have any milk until close to 12months. So, we did the test and she did not test + for a milk allergy.  So, we're dealing with a milk protein intolerance.

This is a great link that explains the difference between an allergy/intolerance etc---it helped me figure out how to explain it all to TH and family.

Anyway--we kept trying the hypoallergenic formula....and she kept hating it worse and worse. It got to the point where she wouldn't even drink pumped breast milk from a bottle because she was associating it. TH and I talked and decided that we needed to try a soy formula. Why? 1) She wasn't tested for a soy allergy so we weren't sure if she actually had that 2) If she would drink it and thrive on it, it's not $30 a canister (retail) like the hypoallergenic ones. We tried it and she's had several days of 2 bottles a day with no hives. She still has some eczema patches (but had them before) and some days I still feel like she's having tummy troubles. But, soy can add to constipation so it's possible that she's just having some gas issues. I've been giving her gas drops with each bottle.  She still is having some mucousy poops but she's still getting about 1/2 her feeds from me and I haven't been dairy free yet for 2 weeks (and may have had a few tiny cheats with some holiday goodies) so it's possible that is from me. 

My issue at the moment is that I don't know anything for sure---not even that she doesn't have a milk protein allergy as the allergist explained that it often won't show up on a test until after repeated exposures (which I'm not planning on doing). It's not often that he sees children with such controlled circumstances (only breastfeeding except for the one bottle) when they have a reaction...and after only one instance.  I also don't know that she doesn't have a soy intolerance...if I could go back, I'd have him at least test for that too on the allergy test.  But--I don't. So, until she's 100% on the formula, I won't know if it's the dairy in me or a soy intolerance. And, if it is a soy intolerance, than our only option at that point is the hypo formula she hates (because by then, my supply won't be salvageable.). I'm planning on upping the number of bottles she has this week to 3-4 (depending on when she gets up) to mimic a day at daycare so that may shed some light too. I may also put a call into her pedi this week to discuss her thoughts on soy and maybe about getting a sample of the other hypo formula---I can't stomach spending $30 dollars on something she may not touch. If we end up with a total MPSI (milk protein soy intolerance) than it is what it is...and we'll chance our lifestyle to accommodate the additional cost.

I'm having a LOT of guilt about leaving her soon, not being strong enough to go 100% dairy free for her and a whole host of other issues (Did I eat/drink/do something while pregnant to cause this etc? Yes, I know I didn't. But still, it's in my head). I'm going to try to do better and post more in the next week....because I realize how crazy it will be when I get back to work.  I thought for sure that I'd be able to post more frequently while home on leave with her (like I did with LM) but she is truly a different child than him and has required much more of me.

Thanks for reading this...it helps to even type it out.

--Cue freak out--

TH has spent the last two nights at work until 8 (after teaching all day) doing parent teacher conferences. LM has been....hmm...how shall I say it...a bit of a pill. Monday he is always fussy and cranky because he has trouble settling down and doesn't get enough sleep on Sunday night. Usually he settles down by Tuesday (he crashes early on Mondays).

BUT--wow. Tonight he was in full, early terrible twos form. He oscillated between slap happy silliness with the dog to full on temper tantrums over nothing significant. He was a mess...and so was I.

At one point we were both crying. Him, because the dog ate the noodle he threw to him to eat. Me, because I have no idea how I'm going to do it. Two kids is one thing...it will be a handful and busy and chaotic.  But--I'm starting to remember the beginning newborn days...the sleep deprivation, the mindlessness feeling, the numbness of moving through each day trying to figure it out, the engorgement, the feeling of constant feeding....oh and the pain (once the pain medicine prescription wears off).  There are the happy feelings...the snuggly baby sleeping on you...looking all precious. But--it takes so long to overcome that scary beginning......how do I survive that AND be a good mom to LM?

We already know he's going to struggle with not being the center of attention. That's a given...he's 19months old and has us wrapped around his little finger. He didn't ask for a sibling, he would be perfectly happy with just us three (well, and the dog). It's going to be hard for him when he wants to snuggle and read a book with him and I'm feeding the baby. And, when I can't work up the energy to be the "fun" mom...he's the one who will suffer. I've already been given a taste of this as this pregnancy draws to a close. The pain and exhaustion I've been dealing with has made it hard for me to (and want to) get down on the floor and play with him. I've pushed through it most of the time...but he's already had to adapt and it's not fair for him. I know in the long run, he'll do more independent play and he'll love having a sibling close in age.  But for now...now it just makes me feel guilty.

I don't know how we'll do it...I know we will survive...but I have to have to have to find a way to survive in a way that meets my expectations for our family. We can't just go through the motions.

It's scary to think about how I'll survive...somedays I barely make it with one. But, I guess it's a little late now!

Still here

I'm still here....

School is kicking my butt. I have 28 kindergarteners who (as always) have come to me either knowing nothing (including the one who couldn't tell me her name!) or lots, with a few sprinkled in the middle with some average skill knowledge...and light years to go by May.

My feet have started swelling and I had to take off my engagement ring this week. I've been having Braxton-Hicks contractions on and off all day, every day. I've tried to up my water intake and sit down more...but I'm just not succeeding. Anytime I sit down, trouble starts up somewhere in my room. I go to the doctor Wednesday so hopefully we can talk about how many BH is too many, what I can do to make sure I make it to my planned stopping point of Oct1 etc. I'm also feeling STRA-ESSED about being ready for maternity leave--especially since the beginning of the year is so busy with day to day stuff that I can't even start getting lesson plans ready for a sub. AAK!

So, that's where I'm at.

It never stops.

The worries that is...just when I think I've got it under control...more pops up. We had LM's 15mo well-baby check on Tuesday and (while he is perfectly healthy and growing like a weed!) we had some issues come up that are now pretty worrying to me. I'll address one here today and another later (it's not as big of an issue...yet).

At LM's 6mo appt, the pedi noticed his head leaning to the right and told us to work on stretching it and to keep an eye on it to make sure it wasn't "bothering" him. It seemed to straighten as he learned to roll over and sit up. At the next appt (9mo), she remarked how much better it seemed and we went on with our lives.

But-at our appt on Tuesday, she noticed it again and asked how long it had been like that. And (gulp) honestly we had no idea. He's been monkey crawling for so long that his head was always "down" and he just started walking to he's all off-balance and wobbly anyway. Now that we look at it--it's all we see. I looked back at some pictures the last couple of months, and it's there sometimes too.
She wanted us to watch it for a week to make sure it wasn't from funny sleeping etc. But--we've been watching, and he definitely leans his head to the right. She checked his neck (no super tense muscles) and his vision "appeared" fine. We're supposed to call next week if it hasn't improved and she wanted to schedule a "scan" to check for other things. She also mentioned that it usually has to do with eyes (one stronger than the others etc).

We've done some research, both of the Dr. Google and my BIL dr and it seems like this is something that was best dealt with early--though we can't control that. Our BIL said that he thought that an MRI was a big leap before having a pediatric ophthalmologist check him first. And that would be his first step.

I've talked to some of the moms in LM's due date group that have gone through this and while they second the vision check (I can only imagine how costly a bunch of pediatric ophthalmology visits and tests will be with our "super" insurance coverage!), the consensus seems that I should prepare myself for the idea that some OT/PT will be necessary. There's been talk of patches and neck collars---but all stories point to things getting better.

I'm scared that this is going to be something more---TH and I both got glasses in 3rd grade (though his are/were SUPER bad and he had the complicated laser surgery last summer to fix it). I'm scared it will involve lots of PT or something more. I'm scared this has been going on for longer and we just didn't notice it---and could've helped him sooner. It's just hard because you want your baby to be "perfect"...or at least without defect. And so far (minus the biting, hitting and sleeping issues), LM has been a dream.  

And now I'm scared that he's broken...and that maybe it was something I did or didn't do. While the common theory is muscles growing at different rates, it can be from not having enough room in the womb...so now I'm worried about PS too. 

So Monday, I'll call the pedi and tell her what we'd like to do (eyes first) and talk to her about whether we should get the ball moving on an EI (early intervention) evaluation sooner or later (i.e. before or after a scan if she still thinks we should). I'm just scared about what it all means.

Just not sure.

I'm not sure how we're going to do this.

I've been all wrapped up in the logistics of it all...furniture, daycare, carseat configuration, maternity leave savings, room switching etc. I've even been focused on the fun things---dreaming about decor, names, what to keep vs what we should buy.

But--as LM snuggled on my lap listening to his bedtime story, I realized that soon he wasn't going to fit anymore. Soon, he'd have to be a "big boy" and sit next to me to hear a story. Soon, he won't be able to lay belly to belly with me to snuggle into my neck. And it breaks my heart. I feel like it's too soon for him to have to give things up. Because once my lap is back, he'll have to share it permanently. He's so used to having all of the attention at home (daycare has been good for him learning he's not the center of everything!). I feel like he'll have to grow up faster.

And that's not what I wanted. Don't get me wrong...I'm thrilled we're having a baby. But--it's so much sooner than I ever wanted. I guess you could say that maybe that's not true or we would've been more careful...but infertility messes with you in that regard. He's just so little and still learning so much about life. What little Mommy/Daddy things is he going to have to give up because someone else needs something? He won't get to hand puzzle pieces over and over again to me whenever he wants--watching intently how I place them in their spots. I understand that that's life....but what will he miss out on? What won't he "learn" because he's sharing attention?

TH always wanted more than one child....I would've been find with just LM. I know it sounds selfish and ungrateful....I just have NO idea how we're going to be good parents to both children. I know there's enough love to go around....but attention? quality time?

I already can barely keep up around the house now...using all of my remaining energy after work to spend time with LM when we get home. Time for meals (even of the basic type) is already a sticking point between TH and I. I'd rather play with LM when I get home instead of jumping right into dinner. Sure, he can play with him and keep him occupied.....but I want my time---not the time closer to bedtime when the crankies come out.

I'm just not sure how we'll be able to be good parents to two so close. I feel sad and panicked about it.