The last few days, I've been walking around as a super fun nesting, paranoid lady. Well, scratch that part, I'm not nesting at home but rather at school. I went on a cleaning/organizing binge in my classroom--creating all sorts of tasks for myself to work on instead of the multitude I still need to accomplish in the next 3.25 weeks. My house...now it's a mess. LM is waaayy into "cleaning" with his tiny play kitchen rags, so I'm thinking about just giving him some pledge and letting him have at my bookshelves. It may be the only way it's happening around here :-)
Ladies in my October Due Date group are starting to have babies...granted, it's mostly twins and the singlets that were high-risk or have become high-risk. But, coupled with the excruciating back pain today with every step I take and let's just say...some digestive issues tonight that reminded me of the "cleansing of the body" that took place during labor.....well, I just get paranoid that I'm not baking as well as I think. I don't go back to the doctor until next Friday (my last every two week visit) and I'm excited (yeah, weird, I know) for my first cervical check. I NEED.TO.KNOW where I'm at. I pretty much don't even notice the BHicks anymore, they happen that often. Last time, at my first cervical check I was a fingertip dilated and by the next week, I was 2cm--which started the "maybe it's time to stop work conversation (that and the giant swollen sponge.bob squarefeet action).
I'm over-thinking this all...and rambling.
Perhaps it's that I STILL don't have a sub (though my Principal swears she's interviewing). Perhaps it's that I seem to by lacking the motivation to finish the sub plans I need to leave for the first two weeks (I'm 75% done with one week), despite the fact that the last two weekends, that's been my goal. It's just so tedious to type out each and every detail about each and every day for my little ones. But, like I said, the nesting at school is helping me at least get my room ready. I suppose I could always finish my plans while in labor :-)
Or maybe it's just that I'm scared. Scared of the birth process again...it was "too smooth" last time. Surely, it won't be as straightforward, short and "well-timed". I'm also scared of how it will change our family---LM has been acting out at daycare when she's been having to take care of the 3mo old baby. He's such a mama/daddy boy...I feel awful for changing his world so much when he has no idea what to expect. I'm scared that I won't be able to pick him up much longer without hurting myself. I'm also scared that I won't be good enough as a mom to 2. I barely scrape by as a wife...and I've been having incredible guilt at the things TH has had to take over to help me out at this point (though, I know he's trying to just give me a break). But, I'm already not a cook, cleaning isn't my priority (though I'm tidy and pickup after myself, I just don't like to spend time cleaning cleaning on the weekends) and I'm not the organized, pinterest type of wife. I want to be...I'm just not. And I worry that it's going to get worse. And that it will affect my marriage. I realize I should stop worrying...especially when I read posts and blogs about moms to be and how they kept calm and worry-free and how it's making their babies better ("than mine" the fine print screams at me). PS is going to come out with a ticky-eye like I've developed and afraid of talking out and having to turn her behavior card :-)
To end on a positive note (not that anyone is still reading past this yammering), we do have a name! MIL HATES it, but what's new? And, baby-wise, we really only have to install the carseat(s), bring up the swing and we can survive her arrival. AND--I'm huge. None of my maternity clothes fit right anymore but apparently, that just makes people comment on how nice I look (or perhaps that's the crazed look in my eyes that frightens the compliment out of them!) which makes me feel better.
LM is 18 months today....A YEAR and a friggin HALF. Holy Moly. I'm 34+3days pregnant and still looking for a cute way to share it on FB!
Showing posts with label worrying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worrying. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
MIA
So I apologize for disappearing for awhile...we had an unfortunate incident with trying to switch our high speed internet and (though they swore it would be a seamless transition), we ended up internet-less for NINE days!!!! It was a wholly frustrating situation---with me calling technical support daily and wrangling/arguing/cajoling/subtly threatening customer service agents, tier 2 folks and finally supervisors. There were "problems" with our lines somewhere outside the house but no one seemed to be able to tell me why/what the problem was.....not the best situation with my hormones OUT.OF.CONTROL. But, finally, I got high enough up that I got someone to send out someone with a brain and got nearly a whole month's bill refunded. AHHHH internet, I missed you.
Things have been pretty busy despite that---we visited family for the 4th of July (melted melted melted in the heat a parade) and have been busy with appt's etc.
Friday the 13th reared it's ugly head yesterday...I received a call saying I had failed my 1hr glucose test. I came back borderline (with a 131 at a 135 cutoff) so they're having me do the 3hr anyway. Not sure why really? Perhaps it was the slight mental breakdown I had at the appointment about how I swear I'm not big enough and she's not going to have enough room and come out with a crooked neck too (not even likely according to my OB). At the time, it earned me a u/s in two weeks at my next visit. But, I've also only gained around 17/18 lbs...coming in inconsistent bursts so perhaps that's what it is. I passed last time so I wasn't expecting it this time. I'm not looking forward to fasting for 12 hours and then sitting for 3hrs.
Especially next week---when we have LM's Pediatric Ophthalmology appt Monday morning, I have a work prof devel Tuesday morning, now the 3hr test Wednesday morning with LM's PT appt Wednesday afternoon and FINALLY a meeting with our personnel department to discuss our maternity/paternity leave on Thursday morning. It's shaping up to be a crazy week.
I'm looking forward to the PO and PT appts. I'm hoping that LM's eyes check out fine--it would be nice to eliminate it as a cause of the torticollis. At our PT eval 3 weeks ago, we were given some exercises to work on and told that it seems like a really mild case that hopefully would clear up fairly easily. His neck was pretty straight the next week or so, so we were feeling hopeful. But--now his head is leaning to the left...and though TH swears it was that side before, I know it was leaning to the right. So, no idea. He is cutting 7 teeth right now and I've heard that the pressure can make it worse...but switch??
Anyway---the 13th--was capped off with getting a call that LM was throwing up at daycare yesterday (while we were out running errands etc). He spent the rest of the pm sleeping wrapped up in a towel on the floor, waking up only to throw up and then sleep some more. Finally, around 7pm, he woke up, threw up, snuggled into my lap and said "all done all done" and hasn't thrown up since. We've gotten some fluids and crackers into him so hopefully we've turned the corner. He was Captain Fussy this morning so hopefully he'll feel better after the nap he's taking now...I think we'll try some soup for lunch.
So...that's where we are in all of the big things. We've got two more full weeks of summer vacation left....then back to the grind. Though, one of those weeks I'll need to be working in my room. Ugh. Where did the summer go??
Things have been pretty busy despite that---we visited family for the 4th of July (melted melted melted in the heat a parade) and have been busy with appt's etc.
Friday the 13th reared it's ugly head yesterday...I received a call saying I had failed my 1hr glucose test. I came back borderline (with a 131 at a 135 cutoff) so they're having me do the 3hr anyway. Not sure why really? Perhaps it was the slight mental breakdown I had at the appointment about how I swear I'm not big enough and she's not going to have enough room and come out with a crooked neck too (not even likely according to my OB). At the time, it earned me a u/s in two weeks at my next visit. But, I've also only gained around 17/18 lbs...coming in inconsistent bursts so perhaps that's what it is. I passed last time so I wasn't expecting it this time. I'm not looking forward to fasting for 12 hours and then sitting for 3hrs.
Especially next week---when we have LM's Pediatric Ophthalmology appt Monday morning, I have a work prof devel Tuesday morning, now the 3hr test Wednesday morning with LM's PT appt Wednesday afternoon and FINALLY a meeting with our personnel department to discuss our maternity/paternity leave on Thursday morning. It's shaping up to be a crazy week.
I'm looking forward to the PO and PT appts. I'm hoping that LM's eyes check out fine--it would be nice to eliminate it as a cause of the torticollis. At our PT eval 3 weeks ago, we were given some exercises to work on and told that it seems like a really mild case that hopefully would clear up fairly easily. His neck was pretty straight the next week or so, so we were feeling hopeful. But--now his head is leaning to the left...and though TH swears it was that side before, I know it was leaning to the right. So, no idea. He is cutting 7 teeth right now and I've heard that the pressure can make it worse...but switch??
Anyway---the 13th--was capped off with getting a call that LM was throwing up at daycare yesterday (while we were out running errands etc). He spent the rest of the pm sleeping wrapped up in a towel on the floor, waking up only to throw up and then sleep some more. Finally, around 7pm, he woke up, threw up, snuggled into my lap and said "all done all done" and hasn't thrown up since. We've gotten some fluids and crackers into him so hopefully we've turned the corner. He was Captain Fussy this morning so hopefully he'll feel better after the nap he's taking now...I think we'll try some soup for lunch.
So...that's where we are in all of the big things. We've got two more full weeks of summer vacation left....then back to the grind. Though, one of those weeks I'll need to be working in my room. Ugh. Where did the summer go??
Friday, June 22, 2012
Where things stand (written with my head in the sand)
Welcome ICLW'ers!! It's been awhile since I participated in one of these (life just seems to get in the way of me being a good participant). I've been loving reading the blogs I've been visiting and I hope you enjoy your time here. Visit the About Me tab to learn more about our journey---though here's a snapshot: We're loving up on our Little Monkey (15mos) given to us after our journey with IF, while unexpectedly expecting our little Pumpkin Seed in October.
So my commitment of blogging more now that school is out for the summer isn't quite going according to plan....though I blame the water heater flood, broken garage door and flurry of doctor appt's much more than my own laziness :-) However, I wanted to update you all on where thing are standing with LM's neck issue.
I've spent the better part of the week on the phone trying to gather insurance info, gather referrals, talking to Dr's, making appointments and, oh yes, listening to that lovely canned hold music. I've talked with his pedi on the phone (a first for me, having an actual doctor call me on her lunch break) and she supported our plan to get a pediatric ophthalmologist to look at his eyes and to get the ball rolling with our state's Early Intervention program First Steps to get him evaluated for OT/PT.
So, I set about making an appointment with one of the like 5 PO's in our state....long story short, we have an appointment in a month. While you gasp in the horror that these doctor's wouldn't immediately drop everything and clear their schedules to see my baby, let's note that the next best appointment....two months away. I'm sure my new administrators would've loved that---I imagine the conversation would've gone something like this: "I know that you're new and don't know me and that I'm about to have a baby and leave for nine weeks. Oh, and that I have to slip out a little early before contract time all the time because I have to go to the dr every week. Oh, and that it's like the second week of school---but I need to be gone because my baby has a crooked neck. Thanks!! Please don't hold it against me when you're doing our new evaluations that take attendance and student learning into our pay for next year!" So--in summary--I'll take waiting a month (partially because I have no choice but also because I don't think his eyes are the issue--though that would be the easy fix).
So then I embarked on the EI route---and while I got the ball rolling, I'm waiting for a phone call back to get the process going further. Once this happens, we'll have a meeting to talk about it all, schedule the eval, meet again after that to talk about what they found, then eventually start some therapy----hopefully before he turns three and is no longer eligible ;-)
This is where the issue "at home" arose. I'm content to wait out the phone call back and appointment (while we do some neck stretches we read about). TH on the other hand--accused me of sticking my head in the sand and not being willing to "move faster" because I wouldn't accept his "short" research on pediatric chiropractors and take LM to one because "they're like the same thing as OT's and PTs". Now, maybe it's my skepticism (and please please feel free to share with me great experiences you've had) but I wasn't ready to jump on making that appointment until I had time to read things about it and learn more. He's my baby and I'm not willing to just let anyone touch him--especially if the pedi didn't mention it as an option. Of course, this caused drama because TH didn't understand why I wasn't willing to "try everything" immediately. I tried explaining that I've very overwhelmed by this whole issue and am struggling with the idea of my baby being "broken" (yes, I know he's not, but I'm hormonal), while worrying that this baby is growing crooked in utero (and yes, I plan to talk with my OB about my crazy concerns). I just needed time to process and research.
We compromised when he found a place related to our local hospital that does the evaluations--though, we have no idea of the cost. They, of course, needed a real referral and our pedi doesn't work Thursday's, so I'm waiting for either a call back saying the script is ready or a call from my pedi to discuss it.
So---we wait. Again. But, the ball is rolling (several of them).
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go brush the sand out of my hair while I go try to deal with our new drama about daycare (more later), trying to find a name for PS (it's driving me crazy) and putting together some furniture/sorting through the delivery of girl clothes from my SIL. Oh, and not doing the work I swore I'd get done over the summer to help the school year start off easier :-)
So my commitment of blogging more now that school is out for the summer isn't quite going according to plan....though I blame the water heater flood, broken garage door and flurry of doctor appt's much more than my own laziness :-) However, I wanted to update you all on where thing are standing with LM's neck issue.
I've spent the better part of the week on the phone trying to gather insurance info, gather referrals, talking to Dr's, making appointments and, oh yes, listening to that lovely canned hold music. I've talked with his pedi on the phone (a first for me, having an actual doctor call me on her lunch break) and she supported our plan to get a pediatric ophthalmologist to look at his eyes and to get the ball rolling with our state's Early Intervention program First Steps to get him evaluated for OT/PT.
So, I set about making an appointment with one of the like 5 PO's in our state....long story short, we have an appointment in a month. While you gasp in the horror that these doctor's wouldn't immediately drop everything and clear their schedules to see my baby, let's note that the next best appointment....two months away. I'm sure my new administrators would've loved that---I imagine the conversation would've gone something like this: "I know that you're new and don't know me and that I'm about to have a baby and leave for nine weeks. Oh, and that I have to slip out a little early before contract time all the time because I have to go to the dr every week. Oh, and that it's like the second week of school---but I need to be gone because my baby has a crooked neck. Thanks!! Please don't hold it against me when you're doing our new evaluations that take attendance and student learning into our pay for next year!" So--in summary--I'll take waiting a month (partially because I have no choice but also because I don't think his eyes are the issue--though that would be the easy fix).
So then I embarked on the EI route---and while I got the ball rolling, I'm waiting for a phone call back to get the process going further. Once this happens, we'll have a meeting to talk about it all, schedule the eval, meet again after that to talk about what they found, then eventually start some therapy----hopefully before he turns three and is no longer eligible ;-)
This is where the issue "at home" arose. I'm content to wait out the phone call back and appointment (while we do some neck stretches we read about). TH on the other hand--accused me of sticking my head in the sand and not being willing to "move faster" because I wouldn't accept his "short" research on pediatric chiropractors and take LM to one because "they're like the same thing as OT's and PTs". Now, maybe it's my skepticism (and please please feel free to share with me great experiences you've had) but I wasn't ready to jump on making that appointment until I had time to read things about it and learn more. He's my baby and I'm not willing to just let anyone touch him--especially if the pedi didn't mention it as an option. Of course, this caused drama because TH didn't understand why I wasn't willing to "try everything" immediately. I tried explaining that I've very overwhelmed by this whole issue and am struggling with the idea of my baby being "broken" (yes, I know he's not, but I'm hormonal), while worrying that this baby is growing crooked in utero (and yes, I plan to talk with my OB about my crazy concerns). I just needed time to process and research.
We compromised when he found a place related to our local hospital that does the evaluations--though, we have no idea of the cost. They, of course, needed a real referral and our pedi doesn't work Thursday's, so I'm waiting for either a call back saying the script is ready or a call from my pedi to discuss it.
So---we wait. Again. But, the ball is rolling (several of them).
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go brush the sand out of my hair while I go try to deal with our new drama about daycare (more later), trying to find a name for PS (it's driving me crazy) and putting together some furniture/sorting through the delivery of girl clothes from my SIL. Oh, and not doing the work I swore I'd get done over the summer to help the school year start off easier :-)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Terrified.
That's really the only word I have to describe this afternoon's upcoming appointment.
At 1pm est (US) time, we'll find out if we have a pumpkin seed growing....or if my instinct/nerves are right.
We'll find out if we'll be a family of 3 or 4.
I'm terrified the u/s will be glaring empty or small. Or worse....they'll be no heartbeat to hear.
Do I have a logical reason for any of this? No---it just feels different and I've been un-centered since seeing those two lines.
I'm just scared. And could use some happy thoughts and fairy dust.
At 1pm est (US) time, we'll find out if we have a pumpkin seed growing....or if my instinct/nerves are right.
We'll find out if we'll be a family of 3 or 4.
I'm terrified the u/s will be glaring empty or small. Or worse....they'll be no heartbeat to hear.
Do I have a logical reason for any of this? No---it just feels different and I've been un-centered since seeing those two lines.
I'm just scared. And could use some happy thoughts and fairy dust.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Censoring
I've always got so much going on in my head that I try to figure out "where" to put it online. Little tiny questions, ramblings etc usually end up on LM's Due Date Facebook group. Pictures end up on my main account. Good stories sometimes end up here. Most of the time, I try to keep my thoughts on here cognizant of my audience--moms who may or may not have struggled with infertility. I keep in mind that some things could be offensive or annoying for me to ramble about.
That said, I had a "post" planned in my head for here....my anxiety about LM turning 1 (gasp) Monday. I also had some worries/thoughts that I was planning on sharing with my march mamas. But, today one of the other moms in the group who was only a few weeks more pregnant than me had an u/s and found out there was no heartbeat. And...suddenly, what I was about to post would be insensitive and immature. But...I still need to get it out there. So, I'm going to post it here. I'll warn you that it does touch on the idea of pregnancy loss so if that's upsetting to you, please don't bother to read on. I understand.
In mid-January, when all sort of march mamas were popping up pregnant, I posted in our fb group that I'm glad they were the ones getting pregnant and the dreams I'd had about a positive pregnancy test must've been in their honor. Well....a few weeks later...suddenly I'm the pregnant one. I'm not big into paranormal, psychic abilities and whatnot, but I don't discount it. I believe people have gifts.
What I do wonder about though, is premonitions. I tell myself lots of "stories" in my head...mostly just running commentaries of things that I create in my head...fantasies (loosely) I guess. Mostly, just little plots I create in my head usually not involving me. Anyway....when I try to think about our first doctor's appointment on the 13th, all of the "stories" I create in my head are not good. They all end with no heartbeat, no baby. I control these entirely. I'm not sure why this is what I picture when I picture that appointment. Is it my way of preparing emotionally in case that's what happens? Or does it fall under a premonition category?
I just don't know why I can't picture a happy ending. I then also worry that if that is the result...did I cause it with my thoughts/feelings etc??
Just wanted to get it out. I'm going to focus on being more positive. And go back to worrying about LM turning one :-) Much more normal and healthy!
That said, I had a "post" planned in my head for here....my anxiety about LM turning 1 (gasp) Monday. I also had some worries/thoughts that I was planning on sharing with my march mamas. But, today one of the other moms in the group who was only a few weeks more pregnant than me had an u/s and found out there was no heartbeat. And...suddenly, what I was about to post would be insensitive and immature. But...I still need to get it out there. So, I'm going to post it here. I'll warn you that it does touch on the idea of pregnancy loss so if that's upsetting to you, please don't bother to read on. I understand.
In mid-January, when all sort of march mamas were popping up pregnant, I posted in our fb group that I'm glad they were the ones getting pregnant and the dreams I'd had about a positive pregnancy test must've been in their honor. Well....a few weeks later...suddenly I'm the pregnant one. I'm not big into paranormal, psychic abilities and whatnot, but I don't discount it. I believe people have gifts.
What I do wonder about though, is premonitions. I tell myself lots of "stories" in my head...mostly just running commentaries of things that I create in my head...fantasies (loosely) I guess. Mostly, just little plots I create in my head usually not involving me. Anyway....when I try to think about our first doctor's appointment on the 13th, all of the "stories" I create in my head are not good. They all end with no heartbeat, no baby. I control these entirely. I'm not sure why this is what I picture when I picture that appointment. Is it my way of preparing emotionally in case that's what happens? Or does it fall under a premonition category?
I just don't know why I can't picture a happy ending. I then also worry that if that is the result...did I cause it with my thoughts/feelings etc??
Just wanted to get it out. I'm going to focus on being more positive. And go back to worrying about LM turning one :-) Much more normal and healthy!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
An update
Sorry to have dropped the big news on you all and then disappeared.
The news was just so unexpected (even though I suspected, I really
figured I'd find myself staring at the stark white of where a line
should be) that I kinda went into shut down mode.
I'm still pregnant (as far as I know). I go in to the doctor on the 13th of March for a viability/placement/dating u/s, appt with the doctor etc. Oh how I have missed my dear friend Mr. U/S wand! Physically, I'm feeling nauseous much earlier than last time...plus the exhaustion has started. Though...that might be work, a baby and life too.
Emotionally...that's a different story. And, I do realize what I'm about to say will probably cost me half my followers as it will be seen as ungrateful etc etc. But, it is what it is. I've been really really struggling to accept this pregnancy. Once the shock wore off (I mean come on, how cliche is it taking one time after all our struggles!), the worrying started. I'm barely keeping my head above water with LM...and now another? I worry about how it will affect him--he's used to so much attention. Even just pregnancy will affect him...when I can't lift him anymore, when he can't fit on my lap, when I'm just too exhausted to get down on the floor and play. What will we do about daycare? Do I leave a little baby and my baby with someone who I already worry about the ratios? Or do I start over? Again--changing everything for LM. I won't be able to take as long of a maternity leave with this one (due mid Oct) as I'll have to go back after Xmas break (so less than 3 months old). I had 5 months with LM because of summer vacation. How will I cope with leaving such a little baby? This baby is already starting off not getting as much as LM.
Then of course, the hubs starts talking about things like moving to a bigger house/better neighborhood (it's been talked about before) and is all gung-ho about putting ours on the market (stress anyone?) and moving LM to the bigger bedroom and redoing his nursery. On top of that...he just keeps talking about baby stuff, logistics, names, everything over and over and over....and I'm just not there yet. I'm still too shook up. I realize how bad this sounds. But, it's where I'm at.
I know I need to worry less. Maybe the u/s will help. Maybe, I'm just processing. Maybe I just need time to get excited more.
No clue.
I'm still pregnant (as far as I know). I go in to the doctor on the 13th of March for a viability/placement/dating u/s, appt with the doctor etc. Oh how I have missed my dear friend Mr. U/S wand! Physically, I'm feeling nauseous much earlier than last time...plus the exhaustion has started. Though...that might be work, a baby and life too.
Emotionally...that's a different story. And, I do realize what I'm about to say will probably cost me half my followers as it will be seen as ungrateful etc etc. But, it is what it is. I've been really really struggling to accept this pregnancy. Once the shock wore off (I mean come on, how cliche is it taking one time after all our struggles!), the worrying started. I'm barely keeping my head above water with LM...and now another? I worry about how it will affect him--he's used to so much attention. Even just pregnancy will affect him...when I can't lift him anymore, when he can't fit on my lap, when I'm just too exhausted to get down on the floor and play. What will we do about daycare? Do I leave a little baby and my baby with someone who I already worry about the ratios? Or do I start over? Again--changing everything for LM. I won't be able to take as long of a maternity leave with this one (due mid Oct) as I'll have to go back after Xmas break (so less than 3 months old). I had 5 months with LM because of summer vacation. How will I cope with leaving such a little baby? This baby is already starting off not getting as much as LM.
Then of course, the hubs starts talking about things like moving to a bigger house/better neighborhood (it's been talked about before) and is all gung-ho about putting ours on the market (stress anyone?) and moving LM to the bigger bedroom and redoing his nursery. On top of that...he just keeps talking about baby stuff, logistics, names, everything over and over and over....and I'm just not there yet. I'm still too shook up. I realize how bad this sounds. But, it's where I'm at.
I know I need to worry less. Maybe the u/s will help. Maybe, I'm just processing. Maybe I just need time to get excited more.
No clue.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Shh...
So...I'll say it here because saying it here means I'm not really saying it....just putting it out in cyber space.
I'm a tad bit late. It's all relative of course. For a late ovulater, I've had many (many) a long cycle (37-50 days normally). But, since things have gotten going again post-partum, I've been pretty much 35 days or under. In fact, they've gotten shorter and shorter until last month was 30 days--which hasn't been seen around these girlie parts since the birth control days.
Now today is only day 35 so it's not really late per se. And we only completed "the act" once this month due to a series of rotating illnesses, colds and general TH getting on my nerves. Well once when there is even a possibility of the window being open.
There are no signs that she's coming...no spotting, no acne ravaged face. I have been moody but hey, when haven't I been lately!
That said---there hasn't been signs that she's NOT coming either.
It's all in my head really. The odds of it happening like this are slim to none...and probably just publishing this will make her appear today at work.
I've got no plans to test. Just obbsess.
And now, I'm going to go pack some extra tampons in my work bag....because that's how life works.
I'm a tad bit late. It's all relative of course. For a late ovulater, I've had many (many) a long cycle (37-50 days normally). But, since things have gotten going again post-partum, I've been pretty much 35 days or under. In fact, they've gotten shorter and shorter until last month was 30 days--which hasn't been seen around these girlie parts since the birth control days.
Now today is only day 35 so it's not really late per se. And we only completed "the act" once this month due to a series of rotating illnesses, colds and general TH getting on my nerves. Well once when there is even a possibility of the window being open.
There are no signs that she's coming...no spotting, no acne ravaged face. I have been moody but hey, when haven't I been lately!
That said---there hasn't been signs that she's NOT coming either.
It's all in my head really. The odds of it happening like this are slim to none...and probably just publishing this will make her appear today at work.
I've got no plans to test. Just obbsess.
And now, I'm going to go pack some extra tampons in my work bag....because that's how life works.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Pain...Pt. 2
Ooh...a two-parter! Aren't you lucky?
Within the big idea of pain, there is the idea of pain tolerance. A student in my class has pain tolerance issues...such that I'm supposed to report every injury, pain (real and imagined), incident that may cause pain and observation to her mother so she can watch her to make sure she's not really horribly injured. Really, what this results in is that she spends a lot of time down in the nurse's office, as she's not the most coordinated/graceful child and her mother doesn't know how to have a conversation that last less that 30 min (seriously, folks...they've paged me to the office before as an effort to get her to leave my classroom and she followed me there talking until the principal intervened).
But, I digress. Her pain tolerance issues were identified as a baby when she got burned badly by something that splashed on the stove and she didn't react at all. It got me thinking about LM's pain tolerance.
He has a cousin who is nearly, exactly a year older than him. He'll turn 1 and then 4 days later, she turns 2. Oh...and she bites. And hits...with objects....on his soft spot. But only when she's tired (riiiight). Anyway...but he doesn't really react. The other night we were babysitting her and they were both sitting on TH's lap. LM was patting at her (he loves her red hair) and, quick as a wink, she grabbed his hand from her head and chomped down on it. She didn't break the skin, but tooth marks were visible for a couple hours. But...he didn't cry. He also didn't cry the time she bonked him on the head with one of those fun incredib-blocks. Nor did he cry when he head butted me and cut his lip on his bottom tooth. He just smiled at me bloodily.
But--he'll cry when he falls over or runs into the table. So, I know he feels pain. I just wonder why sometimes he doesn't react. Is he too surprised? Is he too passive and just doesn't react when other kids hurt him (oh please don't let this be the case)? Should I be worried that he doesn't stand up for himself when he's bitten? Or should I be happy that his natural reaction isn't to lash out and react (even as a reactionary infant)? Should I even worry?
See...this is why I don't sleep...even on the nights LM sleeps well (which this week was, as part of a monster eating growth spurt I believe!). I know worry is normal...but at some point....the worrying becomes worrying about worrying and little tiny things like pain tolerance that surely...SURELY...I should let go of and move on.
I'm really not an over-anxious person...I swear!! True, I'm an over-thinker and that tends to make me a worrier. I'd just hate to miss something important because I didn't think (worry) about it.
Crazy??
Within the big idea of pain, there is the idea of pain tolerance. A student in my class has pain tolerance issues...such that I'm supposed to report every injury, pain (real and imagined), incident that may cause pain and observation to her mother so she can watch her to make sure she's not really horribly injured. Really, what this results in is that she spends a lot of time down in the nurse's office, as she's not the most coordinated/graceful child and her mother doesn't know how to have a conversation that last less that 30 min (seriously, folks...they've paged me to the office before as an effort to get her to leave my classroom and she followed me there talking until the principal intervened).
But, I digress. Her pain tolerance issues were identified as a baby when she got burned badly by something that splashed on the stove and she didn't react at all. It got me thinking about LM's pain tolerance.
He has a cousin who is nearly, exactly a year older than him. He'll turn 1 and then 4 days later, she turns 2. Oh...and she bites. And hits...with objects....on his soft spot. But only when she's tired (riiiight). Anyway...but he doesn't really react. The other night we were babysitting her and they were both sitting on TH's lap. LM was patting at her (he loves her red hair) and, quick as a wink, she grabbed his hand from her head and chomped down on it. She didn't break the skin, but tooth marks were visible for a couple hours. But...he didn't cry. He also didn't cry the time she bonked him on the head with one of those fun incredib-blocks. Nor did he cry when he head butted me and cut his lip on his bottom tooth. He just smiled at me bloodily.
But--he'll cry when he falls over or runs into the table. So, I know he feels pain. I just wonder why sometimes he doesn't react. Is he too surprised? Is he too passive and just doesn't react when other kids hurt him (oh please don't let this be the case)? Should I be worried that he doesn't stand up for himself when he's bitten? Or should I be happy that his natural reaction isn't to lash out and react (even as a reactionary infant)? Should I even worry?
See...this is why I don't sleep...even on the nights LM sleeps well (which this week was, as part of a monster eating growth spurt I believe!). I know worry is normal...but at some point....the worrying becomes worrying about worrying and little tiny things like pain tolerance that surely...SURELY...I should let go of and move on.
I'm really not an over-anxious person...I swear!! True, I'm an over-thinker and that tends to make me a worrier. I'd just hate to miss something important because I didn't think (worry) about it.
Crazy??
Monday, January 30, 2012
Pain.
The events of last week really got me thinking about the concept of pain.
Now that little monkey is moving and grooving all over the place---crawling like speed racer after the dog's bone and pulling himself up on everything--we've realized that along with all of the other amazing things babies learn about....they also must learn about pain.
We know what pain is. From headaches to cramps, stubbed toes and hangnails that get hand sanitizer in them, adults understand what pain is and have methods (pharmaceutical and not) to cope with it. It may suck and we may (or always do) complain about it. But we get "it".
When LM tips over and lands hard on his squishy diaper butt, there is that moment in his eyes where you can see him wonder what that sensation is. Often times, it isn't enough pain to warrant a reaction, and he moves on. Other times, when he lands on his side/a toy/his head/my head etc, the pain is too much and the tears start.
Oh...and that awful, gut-wrenching pain cry. That cry slices the heart like a million shards of glass. You know exactly what it is when you hear it....and it kills you too. Having to learn what pain is, especially when your world is warm, safe and build to keep you safe, must be confusing and upsetting to babies. I can't imagine what it's like to feel that sensation and not know why it hurts so bad--especially with their minimal understanding of cause/effect. They don't get that letting go of the chair leg and crashing into the table leg will hurt. They feel that pain course through their body, but do they really understand what is happening? Or does it just scare them?
At some point, you learn what pain is and how to avoid it (mostly). I don't like saying that I'm looking forward to LM getting to this point because I know how much pain he'll have to go through to get there. But, when I think about how confusing it must be to them, I realize that I'm glad it doesn't last forever (and hopefully not too long...please please experienced mamas out there!).
There's so much pain in life (physical and emotional). It's hard to imagine being a blank pain slate. How greatly the different pain experiences we go through must affect and shape all of us. I want to protect him from as much pain as possible...but I know I can't. Wouldn't it be nice if we were born with an understanding/ability to cope with pain as natural as the sucking reflex?
Now that little monkey is moving and grooving all over the place---crawling like speed racer after the dog's bone and pulling himself up on everything--we've realized that along with all of the other amazing things babies learn about....they also must learn about pain.
We know what pain is. From headaches to cramps, stubbed toes and hangnails that get hand sanitizer in them, adults understand what pain is and have methods (pharmaceutical and not) to cope with it. It may suck and we may (or always do) complain about it. But we get "it".
When LM tips over and lands hard on his squishy diaper butt, there is that moment in his eyes where you can see him wonder what that sensation is. Often times, it isn't enough pain to warrant a reaction, and he moves on. Other times, when he lands on his side/a toy/his head/my head etc, the pain is too much and the tears start.
Oh...and that awful, gut-wrenching pain cry. That cry slices the heart like a million shards of glass. You know exactly what it is when you hear it....and it kills you too. Having to learn what pain is, especially when your world is warm, safe and build to keep you safe, must be confusing and upsetting to babies. I can't imagine what it's like to feel that sensation and not know why it hurts so bad--especially with their minimal understanding of cause/effect. They don't get that letting go of the chair leg and crashing into the table leg will hurt. They feel that pain course through their body, but do they really understand what is happening? Or does it just scare them?
At some point, you learn what pain is and how to avoid it (mostly). I don't like saying that I'm looking forward to LM getting to this point because I know how much pain he'll have to go through to get there. But, when I think about how confusing it must be to them, I realize that I'm glad it doesn't last forever (and hopefully not too long...please please experienced mamas out there!).
There's so much pain in life (physical and emotional). It's hard to imagine being a blank pain slate. How greatly the different pain experiences we go through must affect and shape all of us. I want to protect him from as much pain as possible...but I know I can't. Wouldn't it be nice if we were born with an understanding/ability to cope with pain as natural as the sucking reflex?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Looking forward to Monday
Yup...I said it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We need a fresh start. Last week--sucked.
On top of the normal teething, cold, work, husband who I swear somedays just met me, we had our first real heart-stopping moment.
Tuesday progressed like any other day--children running amuck (I mean, learning), meetings to attend, colleagues to try not to flick between the eyes. That is, until I glanced at my cell phone in the early afternoon and saw 5 (FIVE) missed calls.
My heart dropped.
Long story short--they were all from my husband who had checked his phone upon returning in from recess and saw a text from our babysitter. LM had been pulling up on a speaker in the main playroom (their family room) and had fallen backwards. It had tipped and landed on him---the top edge hitting him right across the bridge of his nose, cutting him. Even though he had calmed right down when she picked him up and drank a bottle, she wanted us to know what had happened--especially since she through his eyes were dilated more than normal.
Because I had been out of my room making copies and picking up my kiddos from library, I had missed the texts and his calls to my classroom. He called his brother-in-law (a doctor) who said that even though it wasn't probably a serious injury at all, we should be safe and get him checked out. So, the building sub took over his room and he went to get LM.
As I'm hearing all of this, I feel the panic spread through my body. It's like that rush of adrenaline you get when someone jumps out and scares you. TH is on his way to pick him up and we decided to let him assess his general demeanor before deciding where to take him. I fly to the office and promptly tell both the principal and vice-principal that I need to leave....and then burst into tears. I explain what happened and they shoo me out the door to get on my way (after offering to drive me home themselves). I grab my stuff, thank the para who got pulled to run my room, totally freak out my kiddos on my way out the door in tears and head home to meet TH and LM.
Upon arriving at her house, TH said very little to her. She mentioned that he might end up with two black eyes but said little herself as TH had surprised her (we didn't answer back that he was coming). She woke him up from his nap.....I'll say it again folks...HIS NAP. Seriously...because isn't a nap a perfect thing to take place after a baby hits his head and you're worried. He calls me on his way home and says that he's got a good-sized cut on his nose but seems to be acting okay. At this point, I felt like I could breathe again. I drove home...totally obeying the speed limits and not passing cars on the right...and swooped him up in my arms. As much as he loves mama kisses, he wasn't too happy to has his play interrupted...another good sign.
Our BIL (who happened to have the day off), swung by the house and did a quick exam of LM himself. He didn't see anything wrong with him (and suggested that the pupil dilation she noticed was probably an adrenaline reaction of his own and since they weren't different sizes, it probably was nothing) and played with him for awhile himself. He told us what to keep an eye out for and said that we could probably forgo any trips to the doctor/hospital unless something changed. Thank goodness for doctors in the family (especially ones with three little ones under 7).
Now that the panic had subsided, TH and I started discussing what had actually happened. Since LM is not the only little one she watches that have been there when they started becoming mobile, we had made the assumption that things were baby-proofed appropriately. Now, I get that we never should have assumed. We asked the woman a million and a half questions when he started going there, but that stuff didn't come up at the time. However, who has giant (at least 3ft fall) 80's style speakers in the main play room that aren't mounted. Especially, since there are times that she has to be helping little one's in the restroom etc. She puts up gates to keep them from wandering and we had made the assumption she had thought of other things.
We were wrong....and pissed off.
(Okay, I realize I said long story short but....sorry!)
We talked for awhile and realized that we were going to have to talk with her that night about it all. Not only did I feel her attitude about it needed to be adjusted, but certain baby-proofing things needed to be in place before I could leave him there in the morning. I just couldn't worry about him all day long. So, I texted her and arranged for a time to come by. TH and I talked about what our expectations for her were and I steeled myself to be willing to pull him completely if she couldn't/wouldn't accommodate them. I knew her main argument/excuse would be that it had never happened before with any of the other little ones, but that just wouldn't fly with me. I don't need him to be the guinea pig.
I don't do confrontations well. I hate them. My dad thrives on them and I grew up being embarrassed and uncomfortable with them. So, this wasn't something I was looking forward to. I gave myself a mom pep talk and headed over.
Turns out, she really was horrified that it had happened. When I got there, her husband was already working on mounting the speakers to the wall. We chatted about what else in the room/house needed to be baby-proofed---including, as it turns out, the kitchen. Who the heck runs an in-home daycare, serves breakfast and lunch out of their kitchen and doesn't have the kitchen childproofed!!!! We talkd about how I have no problem with her putting him in a PNP or something when she needs to be out of the room...I'd rather him be angry than hurt. I made it very clear that I wouldn't/couldn't leave him there if I was worried about it. They were very accommodating and repeatedly said that they would do whatever they needed to do and that they were open to any suggestions...they admitted it was a learning curve for them as well. So, I left there feeling ok about that part of it all. AND--I was thrilled that I didn't have to pull him...he adores her.
My concern at this point is that I worry that they didn't think of it first...I thought some of it should be purely logical if that is going to be your career. I'm a first time mom...I'm learning as I go so I can't use experience to help me look out for him in some cases. I can use intuition, information and a little luck to help guide our decisions but I need to be able to rely on those around me who are the "experts". I know accidents happen....I get that he'll fall and crash into things as this stage in his life. But--I also expect him to be doing the falling...not objects around him. We're staying there for now as I think we've resolved our issues. But man....it gives me a lot to think about.
As for the rest of the week, there was lots of awkwardness (especially when one of their speaker mountings failed as she showed it to TH the next afternoon) and educating on our parts (we shared with them products that we've used to mount things---including some FABULOUS mounting ties if any of you are interested). The rest of the week went safely....it was just long.
And I'm so glad it's over. As I'm sure you all feel about this lengthy post!
On top of the normal teething, cold, work, husband who I swear somedays just met me, we had our first real heart-stopping moment.
Tuesday progressed like any other day--children running amuck (I mean, learning), meetings to attend, colleagues to try not to flick between the eyes. That is, until I glanced at my cell phone in the early afternoon and saw 5 (FIVE) missed calls.
My heart dropped.
Long story short--they were all from my husband who had checked his phone upon returning in from recess and saw a text from our babysitter. LM had been pulling up on a speaker in the main playroom (their family room) and had fallen backwards. It had tipped and landed on him---the top edge hitting him right across the bridge of his nose, cutting him. Even though he had calmed right down when she picked him up and drank a bottle, she wanted us to know what had happened--especially since she through his eyes were dilated more than normal.
Because I had been out of my room making copies and picking up my kiddos from library, I had missed the texts and his calls to my classroom. He called his brother-in-law (a doctor) who said that even though it wasn't probably a serious injury at all, we should be safe and get him checked out. So, the building sub took over his room and he went to get LM.
As I'm hearing all of this, I feel the panic spread through my body. It's like that rush of adrenaline you get when someone jumps out and scares you. TH is on his way to pick him up and we decided to let him assess his general demeanor before deciding where to take him. I fly to the office and promptly tell both the principal and vice-principal that I need to leave....and then burst into tears. I explain what happened and they shoo me out the door to get on my way (after offering to drive me home themselves). I grab my stuff, thank the para who got pulled to run my room, totally freak out my kiddos on my way out the door in tears and head home to meet TH and LM.
Upon arriving at her house, TH said very little to her. She mentioned that he might end up with two black eyes but said little herself as TH had surprised her (we didn't answer back that he was coming). She woke him up from his nap.....I'll say it again folks...HIS NAP. Seriously...because isn't a nap a perfect thing to take place after a baby hits his head and you're worried. He calls me on his way home and says that he's got a good-sized cut on his nose but seems to be acting okay. At this point, I felt like I could breathe again. I drove home...totally obeying the speed limits and not passing cars on the right...and swooped him up in my arms. As much as he loves mama kisses, he wasn't too happy to has his play interrupted...another good sign.
Our BIL (who happened to have the day off), swung by the house and did a quick exam of LM himself. He didn't see anything wrong with him (and suggested that the pupil dilation she noticed was probably an adrenaline reaction of his own and since they weren't different sizes, it probably was nothing) and played with him for awhile himself. He told us what to keep an eye out for and said that we could probably forgo any trips to the doctor/hospital unless something changed. Thank goodness for doctors in the family (especially ones with three little ones under 7).
Now that the panic had subsided, TH and I started discussing what had actually happened. Since LM is not the only little one she watches that have been there when they started becoming mobile, we had made the assumption that things were baby-proofed appropriately. Now, I get that we never should have assumed. We asked the woman a million and a half questions when he started going there, but that stuff didn't come up at the time. However, who has giant (at least 3ft fall) 80's style speakers in the main play room that aren't mounted. Especially, since there are times that she has to be helping little one's in the restroom etc. She puts up gates to keep them from wandering and we had made the assumption she had thought of other things.
We were wrong....and pissed off.
(Okay, I realize I said long story short but....sorry!)
We talked for awhile and realized that we were going to have to talk with her that night about it all. Not only did I feel her attitude about it needed to be adjusted, but certain baby-proofing things needed to be in place before I could leave him there in the morning. I just couldn't worry about him all day long. So, I texted her and arranged for a time to come by. TH and I talked about what our expectations for her were and I steeled myself to be willing to pull him completely if she couldn't/wouldn't accommodate them. I knew her main argument/excuse would be that it had never happened before with any of the other little ones, but that just wouldn't fly with me. I don't need him to be the guinea pig.
I don't do confrontations well. I hate them. My dad thrives on them and I grew up being embarrassed and uncomfortable with them. So, this wasn't something I was looking forward to. I gave myself a mom pep talk and headed over.
Turns out, she really was horrified that it had happened. When I got there, her husband was already working on mounting the speakers to the wall. We chatted about what else in the room/house needed to be baby-proofed---including, as it turns out, the kitchen. Who the heck runs an in-home daycare, serves breakfast and lunch out of their kitchen and doesn't have the kitchen childproofed!!!! We talkd about how I have no problem with her putting him in a PNP or something when she needs to be out of the room...I'd rather him be angry than hurt. I made it very clear that I wouldn't/couldn't leave him there if I was worried about it. They were very accommodating and repeatedly said that they would do whatever they needed to do and that they were open to any suggestions...they admitted it was a learning curve for them as well. So, I left there feeling ok about that part of it all. AND--I was thrilled that I didn't have to pull him...he adores her.
My concern at this point is that I worry that they didn't think of it first...I thought some of it should be purely logical if that is going to be your career. I'm a first time mom...I'm learning as I go so I can't use experience to help me look out for him in some cases. I can use intuition, information and a little luck to help guide our decisions but I need to be able to rely on those around me who are the "experts". I know accidents happen....I get that he'll fall and crash into things as this stage in his life. But--I also expect him to be doing the falling...not objects around him. We're staying there for now as I think we've resolved our issues. But man....it gives me a lot to think about.
As for the rest of the week, there was lots of awkwardness (especially when one of their speaker mountings failed as she showed it to TH the next afternoon) and educating on our parts (we shared with them products that we've used to mount things---including some FABULOUS mounting ties if any of you are interested). The rest of the week went safely....it was just long.
And I'm so glad it's over. As I'm sure you all feel about this lengthy post!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
*thwack*
That sound, my dear bloggy friends, was the other shoe dropping.
I've been waiting all week for it to happen and last night it did.
For some reason, LM seemed to be all big kid grown-up baby last week and from Monday THRU Friday night, he slept through the night. Oh yes....let's pause and read that closely----he slept all night long for five nights in a row. Monday thru Thursday was 8/830-6am and Friday night he went down around 830 and got up at 9am (super sleeping-in baby!). It is more sleep than I've had at night (consistently) since probably January. I feel a little bit more human!
Every night I went to bed telling myself that he was going to wake up and not to expect a full night's sleep. I'd think about some variable in his day that was "off" and I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up. But--every night, I woke to my alarm instead of LM. I was starting to get freaked out :-)
But, last night, the other shoe dropped. Right on schedule (around 4), LM was up and unhappy. A quick snuggle and 4oz of formula later, he was down again (only to wake up at 630 wide awake with soaking wet pjs--but that's another story).
I, being crazy, immediately began analyzing what differences occurred yesterday that probably came into play. My guess---it was sleeping in 3 extra hours, taking naps in the car (granted they were 2 and 1 hour respectively) and not getting in all of his normal solids amount.
I'm superstitious and I totally attribute him STTN all week to the fact that all week at daycare he napped really really well, had all of his bottles and his jar of solids a day. That let me get his dinner and bedtime bottle fed to him in good time and not too close together. And it worked.
Well, that doesn't work on the weekend. Even though he did get most of his formula in (he left about 3oz in his bedtime bottle--which he did one night last week too so it shouldn't be that big of a deal) and did take naps, he only had maybe 1/2 of a jar of food. I don't know if that really has to do anything with it--it could totally be in my head. OR, if it's just the fact that he's at home and with us. I wish I knew. I don't though.
What I do know now is that he is capable of STTN for multiple nights in a row. When he slept for 13hours Friday night, it taught me that assuming I feel like he got enough food in during the day, he really probably doesn't even need the full 4oz when he wakes up. I *think* that over our fall vacation coming up this week, we may drop down to 2 or just snuggles.
I know now that he can do it and what I need to figure out is what really makes the biggest difference. Are we at the point where we need to focus our efforts on sleep training (and by that, I mean teaching him to go back to sleep when he wakes instead of thinking he HAS to eat)? Or do I need to figure out if I should focus on making sure he definitely gets enough solids during the weekend? Maybe I should have given him some baby food at dinnertime instead of going straight for the bottle. I suppose I could've offered if after the baby food and let him take what he wanted.
I wish it was easier to know what affects things. I wish it were as simple as knowing it was teething or a cold that wakes him up. Or whether he was really hungry when he wakes up. There are so many variables....it certainly gives my OCD a workout.
But for now, I'm just going to savor my LM being a big boy and giving me some sleep this week--when I really really needed it to survive a bad work week.
That and try to figure out how to get him to do it again!
I've been waiting all week for it to happen and last night it did.
For some reason, LM seemed to be all big kid grown-up baby last week and from Monday THRU Friday night, he slept through the night. Oh yes....let's pause and read that closely----he slept all night long for five nights in a row. Monday thru Thursday was 8/830-6am and Friday night he went down around 830 and got up at 9am (super sleeping-in baby!). It is more sleep than I've had at night (consistently) since probably January. I feel a little bit more human!
Every night I went to bed telling myself that he was going to wake up and not to expect a full night's sleep. I'd think about some variable in his day that was "off" and I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up. But--every night, I woke to my alarm instead of LM. I was starting to get freaked out :-)
But, last night, the other shoe dropped. Right on schedule (around 4), LM was up and unhappy. A quick snuggle and 4oz of formula later, he was down again (only to wake up at 630 wide awake with soaking wet pjs--but that's another story).
I, being crazy, immediately began analyzing what differences occurred yesterday that probably came into play. My guess---it was sleeping in 3 extra hours, taking naps in the car (granted they were 2 and 1 hour respectively) and not getting in all of his normal solids amount.
I'm superstitious and I totally attribute him STTN all week to the fact that all week at daycare he napped really really well, had all of his bottles and his jar of solids a day. That let me get his dinner and bedtime bottle fed to him in good time and not too close together. And it worked.
Well, that doesn't work on the weekend. Even though he did get most of his formula in (he left about 3oz in his bedtime bottle--which he did one night last week too so it shouldn't be that big of a deal) and did take naps, he only had maybe 1/2 of a jar of food. I don't know if that really has to do anything with it--it could totally be in my head. OR, if it's just the fact that he's at home and with us. I wish I knew. I don't though.
What I do know now is that he is capable of STTN for multiple nights in a row. When he slept for 13hours Friday night, it taught me that assuming I feel like he got enough food in during the day, he really probably doesn't even need the full 4oz when he wakes up. I *think* that over our fall vacation coming up this week, we may drop down to 2 or just snuggles.
I know now that he can do it and what I need to figure out is what really makes the biggest difference. Are we at the point where we need to focus our efforts on sleep training (and by that, I mean teaching him to go back to sleep when he wakes instead of thinking he HAS to eat)? Or do I need to figure out if I should focus on making sure he definitely gets enough solids during the weekend? Maybe I should have given him some baby food at dinnertime instead of going straight for the bottle. I suppose I could've offered if after the baby food and let him take what he wanted.
I wish it was easier to know what affects things. I wish it were as simple as knowing it was teething or a cold that wakes him up. Or whether he was really hungry when he wakes up. There are so many variables....it certainly gives my OCD a workout.
But for now, I'm just going to savor my LM being a big boy and giving me some sleep this week--when I really really needed it to survive a bad work week.
That and try to figure out how to get him to do it again!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Irony
Today is our last summer fun day. We still have next week off before being on contract time but we'll be spending most of it getting our rooms ready. Normally we'll pop in and work a bit during the summer but I haven't wanted to be away from LM anymore than I have to.
As we're organizing and getting things ready for him to start at daycare next week, it has occurred to me that I'm going to have to prepare myself mentally as well. Not only have I not been at work since mid-February but I've never spent more than a couple hours away from LM since he was born. That's a big change for both of us. Our little sweetheart has been spoiled by having me home for almost five months and TH home for all but six weeks when he had to go back to work after his paternity leave. We pretty much are our own little special cocoon of family.
I'll have next week to adjust to dropping him off and working out the kinks (additional supplies, nap difficulties, bottles etc). But, when I think about the first real day of school that I have to drop him off...I pretty much have a bit of a panic attack. We have to walk out the door on time, get through drop off ok and make it to work on-time/early enough to handle the numerous first day of school fires (like the time I showed up and was given five extra students to prepare for).
There's going to be a lot of irony that day. After I gather all of my kindergartners from the buses and car rider area, they all have to say goodbye to the parents who have brought them. I'm a mean teacher and I don't allow parents to follow us into the classroom. The kids stay upset, the parents stay upset and are generally in the way. So--for us to get off to a smooth start and get our day going, my rule is that everyone says goodbye in the hall. It's not a popular edict with some of the parents. But--it is what it is. AND it works.
But this year, about an hour before all of this happens...I'm going to be the one not wanting to leave my baby on this big day. I'll be the one fighting back tears. And DL will be the one making me say goodbye before I'm ready.
I totally get the irony...I do. I wonder if that'll change anything :-)
As we're organizing and getting things ready for him to start at daycare next week, it has occurred to me that I'm going to have to prepare myself mentally as well. Not only have I not been at work since mid-February but I've never spent more than a couple hours away from LM since he was born. That's a big change for both of us. Our little sweetheart has been spoiled by having me home for almost five months and TH home for all but six weeks when he had to go back to work after his paternity leave. We pretty much are our own little special cocoon of family.
I'll have next week to adjust to dropping him off and working out the kinks (additional supplies, nap difficulties, bottles etc). But, when I think about the first real day of school that I have to drop him off...I pretty much have a bit of a panic attack. We have to walk out the door on time, get through drop off ok and make it to work on-time/early enough to handle the numerous first day of school fires (like the time I showed up and was given five extra students to prepare for).
There's going to be a lot of irony that day. After I gather all of my kindergartners from the buses and car rider area, they all have to say goodbye to the parents who have brought them. I'm a mean teacher and I don't allow parents to follow us into the classroom. The kids stay upset, the parents stay upset and are generally in the way. So--for us to get off to a smooth start and get our day going, my rule is that everyone says goodbye in the hall. It's not a popular edict with some of the parents. But--it is what it is. AND it works.
But this year, about an hour before all of this happens...I'm going to be the one not wanting to leave my baby on this big day. I'll be the one fighting back tears. And DL will be the one making me say goodbye before I'm ready.
I totally get the irony...I do. I wonder if that'll change anything :-)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A natural proclivity towards paranoia
I had a long post planned about our visit with the IL's and all the things I need to vent about somewhere where TH won't see it :-)
But, the whole thing with Jacob yesterday has thrown me for a loop. And I need to write about how I'm feeling instead.
I'm a worrier...I get it from my mom, who is the queen of worrying. I'm not a crazy, bubble wrap my baby kind of worrier. I am just cautious and I think things through. I can come up with a whole host of scenarios for what "could" happen with most things in my life. I analyze and usually take the cautious route. I did well in school because I hated the idea of disappointing my family. I behaved in college because I worried what would happen if I got in trouble doing something wrong.
I can talk a big game, but I usually only take calculated risks.
As a mom, I worry about keeping LM safe. I worry about the decisions I make and how I will feel about them in the long run. I worry I'll miss the big things when I go back to work.
BUT--I'm not the paranoid mama I thought I would be. When he sleeps an unexpectedly long time, I don't wake up in a panic. I don't check on him in the middle of the night. When he's being watched by my mom or TH, I don't create horrible scenarios about what might be happening. I don't visualize him being dropped. I'm strangely much more rational and calm.
Which totally goes against my norm.
But last night and today...I'm worrying. I worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep...possibly struggling to breathe all alone in his crib down the hall. I worry that there's something wrong with him that we don't know about. I worry about him napping at daycare starting next week. Just when I'm supposed to be starting to worry less about him...as the risk of SIDS is going down, as he can move his own body more and eventually choose his own sleep position...then I realize how much of a reason to worry I have. I just want to swaddle him up and put him back in his PNP by my pillow.
I also worry about how I would react in a crisis. How do you know you'd know what to do? Is it like when your car skids on the ice and you're taught to turn into the skid but who the heck can remember that when you're sliding...so you just react and you do it right???
Would I be able to save my baby? Would I be able to forgive myself if I couldn't? Or if I could have prevented something bad happening by worrying about it more and being proactive about a solution.
Jacob's mom had a Snuza for him...because she worried, not because there was a known concern. And it saved his life. Her instinct to give him CPR and revive him from unconsciousness saved his life.
It's heavy stuff.
I just can't stop worrying today. And I can't shake the horrible nauseous feeling that comes with it. The confidence I was gaining as a FTM is rocked to the core..because what do I really know? What if I'm so hung up on something silly like bottle nipple flow that I miss something important?
I was doing ok. And now, my worrying side is back. Does that "feeling" in your stomach ever go away?
But, the whole thing with Jacob yesterday has thrown me for a loop. And I need to write about how I'm feeling instead.
I'm a worrier...I get it from my mom, who is the queen of worrying. I'm not a crazy, bubble wrap my baby kind of worrier. I am just cautious and I think things through. I can come up with a whole host of scenarios for what "could" happen with most things in my life. I analyze and usually take the cautious route. I did well in school because I hated the idea of disappointing my family. I behaved in college because I worried what would happen if I got in trouble doing something wrong.
I can talk a big game, but I usually only take calculated risks.
As a mom, I worry about keeping LM safe. I worry about the decisions I make and how I will feel about them in the long run. I worry I'll miss the big things when I go back to work.
BUT--I'm not the paranoid mama I thought I would be. When he sleeps an unexpectedly long time, I don't wake up in a panic. I don't check on him in the middle of the night. When he's being watched by my mom or TH, I don't create horrible scenarios about what might be happening. I don't visualize him being dropped. I'm strangely much more rational and calm.
Which totally goes against my norm.
But last night and today...I'm worrying. I worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep...possibly struggling to breathe all alone in his crib down the hall. I worry that there's something wrong with him that we don't know about. I worry about him napping at daycare starting next week. Just when I'm supposed to be starting to worry less about him...as the risk of SIDS is going down, as he can move his own body more and eventually choose his own sleep position...then I realize how much of a reason to worry I have. I just want to swaddle him up and put him back in his PNP by my pillow.
I also worry about how I would react in a crisis. How do you know you'd know what to do? Is it like when your car skids on the ice and you're taught to turn into the skid but who the heck can remember that when you're sliding...so you just react and you do it right???
Would I be able to save my baby? Would I be able to forgive myself if I couldn't? Or if I could have prevented something bad happening by worrying about it more and being proactive about a solution.
Jacob's mom had a Snuza for him...because she worried, not because there was a known concern. And it saved his life. Her instinct to give him CPR and revive him from unconsciousness saved his life.
It's heavy stuff.
I just can't stop worrying today. And I can't shake the horrible nauseous feeling that comes with it. The confidence I was gaining as a FTM is rocked to the core..because what do I really know? What if I'm so hung up on something silly like bottle nipple flow that I miss something important?
I was doing ok. And now, my worrying side is back. Does that "feeling" in your stomach ever go away?
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