Pain.

The events of last week really got me thinking about the concept of pain.

Now that little monkey is moving and grooving all over the place---crawling like speed racer after the dog's bone and pulling himself up on everything--we've realized that along with all of the other amazing things babies learn about....they also must learn about pain.

We know what pain is. From headaches to cramps, stubbed toes and hangnails that get hand sanitizer in them, adults understand what pain is and have methods (pharmaceutical and not) to cope with it. It may suck and we may (or always do) complain about it. But we get "it".

When LM tips over and lands hard on his squishy diaper butt, there is that moment in his eyes where you can see him wonder what that sensation is. Often times, it isn't enough pain to warrant a reaction, and he moves on. Other times, when he lands on his side/a toy/his head/my head etc, the pain is too much and the tears start.

Oh...and that awful, gut-wrenching pain cry. That cry slices the heart like a million shards of glass. You know exactly what it is when you hear it....and it kills you too. Having to learn what pain is, especially when your world is warm, safe and build to keep you safe, must be confusing and upsetting to babies. I can't imagine what it's like to feel that sensation and not know why it hurts so bad--especially with their minimal understanding of cause/effect. They don't get that letting go of the chair leg and crashing into the table leg will hurt. They feel that pain course through their body, but do they really understand what is happening? Or does it just scare them?

At some point, you learn what pain is and how to avoid it (mostly). I don't like saying that I'm looking forward to LM getting to this point because I know how much pain he'll have to go through to get there. But, when I think about how confusing it must be to them, I realize that I'm glad it doesn't last forever (and hopefully not too long...please please experienced mamas out there!).

There's so much pain in life (physical and emotional). It's hard to imagine being a blank pain slate. How greatly the different pain experiences we go through must affect and shape all of us. I want to protect him from as much pain as possible...but I know I can't. Wouldn't it be nice if we were born with an understanding/ability to cope with pain as natural as the sucking reflex?

Looking forward to Monday

Yup...I said it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We need a fresh start. Last week--sucked.

On top of the normal teething, cold, work, husband who I swear somedays just met me, we had our first real heart-stopping moment.

Tuesday progressed like any other day--children running amuck (I mean, learning), meetings to attend, colleagues to try not to flick between the eyes. That is, until I glanced at my cell phone in the early afternoon and saw 5 (FIVE) missed calls.

My heart dropped.

Long story short--they were all from my husband who had checked his phone upon returning in from recess and saw a text from our babysitter. LM had been pulling up on a speaker in the main playroom (their family room) and had fallen backwards. It had tipped and landed on him---the top edge hitting him right across the bridge of his nose, cutting him. Even though he had calmed right down when she picked him up and drank a bottle, she wanted us to know what had happened--especially since she through his eyes were dilated more than normal.

Because I had been out of my room making copies and picking up my kiddos from library, I had missed the texts and his calls to my classroom. He called his brother-in-law (a doctor) who said that even though it wasn't probably a serious injury at all, we should be safe and get him checked out. So, the building sub took over his room and he went to get LM.

As I'm hearing all of this, I feel the panic spread through my body. It's like that rush of adrenaline you get when someone jumps out and scares you. TH is on his way to pick him up and we decided to let him assess his general demeanor before deciding where to take him. I fly to the office and promptly tell both the principal and vice-principal that I need to leave....and then burst into tears. I explain what happened and they shoo me out the door to get on my way (after offering to drive me home themselves). I grab my stuff, thank the para who got pulled to run my room, totally freak out my kiddos on my way out the door in tears and head home to meet TH and LM.

Upon arriving at her house, TH said very little to her. She mentioned that he might end up with two black eyes but said little herself as TH had surprised her (we didn't answer back that he was coming). She woke him up from his nap.....I'll say it again folks...HIS NAP. Seriously...because isn't a nap a perfect thing to take place after a baby hits his head and you're worried. He calls me on his way home and says that he's got a good-sized cut on his nose but seems to be acting okay. At this point, I felt like I could breathe again. I drove home...totally obeying the speed limits and not passing cars on the right...and swooped him up in my arms. As much as he loves mama kisses, he wasn't too happy to has his play interrupted...another good sign.

Our BIL (who happened to have the day off), swung by the house and did a quick exam of LM himself. He didn't see anything wrong with him (and suggested that the pupil dilation she noticed was probably an adrenaline reaction of his own and since they weren't different sizes, it probably was nothing) and played with him for awhile himself. He told us what to keep an eye out for and said that we could probably forgo any trips to the doctor/hospital unless something changed. Thank goodness for doctors in the family (especially ones with three little ones under 7).

Now that the panic had subsided, TH and I started discussing what had actually happened. Since LM is not the only little one she watches that have been there when they started becoming mobile, we had made the assumption that things were baby-proofed appropriately. Now, I get that we never should have assumed. We asked the woman a million and a half questions when he started going there, but that stuff didn't come up at the time. However, who has giant (at least 3ft fall) 80's style speakers in the main play room that aren't mounted. Especially, since there are times that she has to be helping little one's in the restroom etc. She puts up gates to keep them from wandering and we had made the assumption she had thought of other things.

We were wrong....and pissed off.

(Okay, I realize I said long story short but....sorry!)

We talked for awhile and realized that we were going to have to talk with her that night about it all. Not only did I feel her attitude about it needed to be adjusted, but certain baby-proofing things needed to be in place before I could leave him there in the morning. I just couldn't worry about him all day long. So, I texted her and arranged for a time to come by. TH and I talked about what our expectations for her were and I steeled myself to be willing to pull him completely if she couldn't/wouldn't accommodate them.  I knew her main argument/excuse would be that it had never happened before with any of the other little ones, but that just wouldn't fly with me. I don't need him to be the guinea pig.

I don't do confrontations well. I hate them. My dad thrives on them and I grew up being embarrassed and uncomfortable with them. So, this wasn't something I was looking forward to. I gave myself a mom pep talk and headed over.

Turns out, she really was horrified that it had happened. When I got there, her husband was already working on mounting the speakers to the wall. We chatted about what else in the room/house needed to be baby-proofed---including, as it turns out, the kitchen. Who the heck runs an in-home daycare, serves breakfast and lunch out of their kitchen and doesn't have the kitchen childproofed!!!! We talkd about how I have no problem with her putting him in a PNP or something when she needs to be out of the room...I'd rather him be angry than hurt. I made it very clear that I wouldn't/couldn't leave him there if I was worried about it. They were very accommodating and repeatedly said that they would do whatever they needed to do and that they were open to any suggestions...they admitted it was a learning curve for them as well. So, I left there feeling ok about that part of it all. AND--I was thrilled that I didn't have to pull him...he adores her.

My concern at this point is that I worry that they didn't think of it first...I thought some of it should be purely logical if that is going to be your career. I'm a first time mom...I'm learning as I go so I can't use experience to help me look out for him in some cases. I can use intuition, information and a little luck to help guide our decisions but I need to be able to rely on those around me who are the "experts". I know accidents happen....I get that he'll fall and crash into things as this stage in his life. But--I also expect him to be doing the falling...not objects around him. We're staying there for now as I think we've resolved our issues. But man....it gives me a lot to think about.

As for the rest of the week, there was lots of awkwardness (especially when one of their speaker mountings failed as she showed it to TH the next afternoon) and educating on our parts (we shared with them products that we've used to mount things---including some FABULOUS mounting ties if any of you are interested). The rest of the week went safely....it was just long.

And I'm so glad it's over. As I'm sure you all feel about this lengthy post!

WWYD?

Let me preface this by saying that I really like our daycare lady. She is super sweet, is excited to see LM and he lights up when he sees her.

When we signed up with her last fall, she had two twin 3 year olds (the person who referred us). She told us that she could take up to 5 full time children. All was well and good.

Fast-forward to now---she's added two part time 10 month olds. They're there a few days a week, for part of the day. So it's the twins, LM and the 2 others. I've been feeling a little odd about it all. It seems like a LOT to me. I wouldn't be able to do that all day and I'm a teacher! It seems like LM is getting plenty of attention. But--really, there's no way to know. I know that there's no way to give all of them the amount of attention that I think I'd really want LM to have...but that's a relative thing because he's used to full time mommy and daddy attention (especially after the summer).

I'm trying to be tolerant of it all because it's all new. We just started Monday with him arriving at the normal time and I know that it takes awhile to establish a routine. Oh, and I'm the one bringing the baby who spits up everywhere (multiple outfit changes) and refuses to nap unless held for more than 20 minutes (for her, us, anyone...please be a phase, please be a phase).

But today when TH picked LM up, she told him about a 3 month old that will be starting in a few weeks--the fourth full time child. I already feel like she's overwhelmed and taking on a lot. Another little one...littler than my little one...it just seems like a lot.

We don't feel 100% comfortable with that many but not so much that we're ready to walk (it was really hard to find someone we liked!). I don't know how to express to her how we're feeling. I don't even know if it's my place. I tend to not make waves but maybe we should be.

I want what's best for LM...but I don't want to overreact (or under-react). I've not seen anything that makes me think he's not being taken care of properly. Do I wish she'd hold him more? Yes of course I do...but I'd hold him all day if I could! Do I think some of the spitting up issue could be helped if he sat on her lap instead of a bouncy chair or boppy after he's done eating? Probably. But I don't know what's reasonable.

I basically just need to know what you think about it all and what you'd do. I'm too tired to think deeply...please share your brains with me :-)

Unraveling around the edges

In an hour, I'm taking LM to daycare for the first time. It's silly for me to be such a mess...I'll be less than ten minutes away working on my classroom. I can leave and come get him at any point. He loves everyone and will have a blast with her.

But. But. But. But.

He's my baby and today starts the possibility that someone else will see his "firsts".

Last night he discovered he could control his eyelids independently of each other and spent five minutes doing these weird winking things and then cracking himself up over and over. I got to see it and laugh with him.

I don't do well with change. Somehow I've got to pull it together.

p.s.--I'm also exhausted and run down but that's another post for another time.

Proud Mama?

I am a proud Mama. I assume you are too (who isn't?). I love telling people about the new things LM is doing and showing off pictures. But, I only do it when I think people want to know...aka care, or so I think!

But, when we're in public and people comment on LM, I thank them and smile.  If they ask questions, I answer. However, I don't gush. Today at the gardening center, a women asked me about him---how old, was he our first etc.  After we had talked, she just kind of stared at me...like she was waiting for me to continue gushing about the wonder that is my son.  And while his existence pretty much rocks my world...I'm not really in to gushing.  Does this mean I'm not a proud mama? Do you have to feel the desire to share with everyone how fabulous your offspring is to truly be proud of them?

Perhaps this is just my personality. Things that are really important to me, I tend to keep close. As a teenager, I always went on and on about my crushes to my friends, but once I was in a relationship, I kept quiet about most things good and bad.  I usually had to be at a breaking point before I started to share.  I'm not sure why...I just did.

So maybe, now that LM is in my life and the amount of love for him I feel is just so overwhelming, I just can't share it with others just yet. It seems so precious...I just want to keep it close to me.

But, maybe I should be gushing.

Innocent until proven guilty...

Several of the blogs I read have touched on "Mommy guilt" in a few different ways and it got me thinking.

I definitely have Mommy guilt leaving him to go back to work someday (while having guilt about leaving my students for basically the last 12 weeks of school). But I think that's normal....

I also have guilt about when I leave him to go do things---even leaving him with TH. But again, I think that's normal.

I feel guilty when I let him swing in his swing while I drink my morning coffee...because I'm pretending he's really close to napping when in reality, it usually takes 20 min. But...hopefully that's normal too.

Normally, I feel the guilt, I process it, tell myself it's normal and I move on. But tonight, after I put LM down in his crib to sleep, a new kind of guilt hit me. Enough to make me feel nauseated. I realized that i was excited about being able to make a snack and surf the web with both hands etc. Then, I felt guilty because I LOVE holding LM after he falls asleep until we go to bed. His little sighs, snuggles and sleep smiles turn to me to goo. And, I know that this phase doesn't last long.  But yet, I was happy to not be doing it...right there along with the guilt.

I don't know how to rectify this one with myself. Milestones are important and transitions are good. Mommy alone time is good to. But, why do I feel like a bad Mom for giving up time with him on purpose? There are a lot of things I do "wrong" that are strictly innocent first time mom mistakes. That guilt is easy for me to put aside. But guilt that stems from me not wanting to spend time with this precious baby that I waited for and longed for...it's different. I'm sure it's normal.  Perhaps this is part of the growing pains of learning to be a Mom and a wife and a person who has most of her sanity :-)

I know it won't hurt him to not be snuggled with me. It won't impact his IQ or turn him into a sociopath. Lots of mistakes will be made that are much more significant that putting him in his crib before we fully snuggle it out.

What it is, is the first time I've realized that I'm choosing to put aside a special 'thing' between LM and myself, for time for just myself. I suppose it will feel normal one day.

Thank goodness I don't feel this guilty about taking a shower!