Unraveling around the edges

It's been rough here lately....LM isn't sleeping well for reasons unknown, TH and I are arguing about a family reunion, my lack of energy aka desire to do anything domestic and various other things, work is super stressful with end of the year assessments and a class that honestly, has exhausted my spirit this year. I feel at the edge of something...something not good. Between the hormones and the stress, I'm a crying mess lately. I just feel like I'm unraveling.

And then, I missed my blogiversary. Because I thought that Blogger notified you/reminded you/sent a singing telegram or something. And it just crushed me. All the reminders about how last spring I felt hope as a parent, had time to blog and just in general didn't feel like my life was running away from....thinking back to where I was a year ago and how I feel now...it was just too much. I had been looking forward to the date and reflecting...and then I missed it. And then I reflected anyway...and I'm sad about things.

I can't seem to figure out how to balance motherhood/wifehood/selfhood. I try to be a good mother and i end up neglecting work or not making a dinner that a college freshman couldn't whip up. I try to focus more at work and take on more...and I drop the ball because I'm too tired. I try to be a better wife and work harder and making homemade meals, not forgetting to take the laundry out of the dryer, not wearing ratty pjs every night etc etc...and then he says something (inadvertent/intentional or not) and it strips all my confidence away and my desire to try.

I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well consistently in about a year and a half. With the added pregnancy brain and exhaustion....it's bad. Just really bad. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and find clothes that match (and fit). I feel my brain sitting there all wrung out and dried up and I have no idea what to do about it. I cried and cried the other night while laying on the floor of LM's room, letting him rub on my hand while he tried to get back to sleep (which he was up for no reason whatsoever that I could tell)...I just felt like such a failure. Why can I not figure out what he needs to sleep better? Why am I still fighting this at this age? NO ONE talks about babies who don't STTN at almost 14 months. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't....we're going on vacation with family soon and I'm already feeling mortified that he sleeps so badly...when it seems to come so easily to others. And TH...he tries to be understanding (and he does get it when LM is sick or teething or has had an off nap day etc) but the battle over him waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night (or an hour after he goes down OR at 430 in the morning----you get my point) is getting old. His answer when I'm upset and feeling useless about it is that surely there's solutions out there and I must not be reading/researching it enough......UM first off, I have and I've tried things. But there's no real manual. AND 2nd---when do I have time to do all this reading? I barely can keep up with my blog,  FB and DD group (both, though I'm iffy on the October one...drama mamas it seems). And when I tell him it makes me feel  inadequate or like a bad mom...he reacts like a guy and not with the reassurance I need. And I've asked for it...but it seems false then.

I just feel like a bad mom for not being "better". My brain is all I have...I'm not coordinated, I'm not a jock, I'm not artistic or a good cook, I don't make things/sew/create....I'm just the smart person. That's been my role as long as I can remember. I'm the one you want on your trivia team. But now...with the exhaustion and emotion....the baby raising and baby growing...my brain is betraying me and I'm not the smart one anymore. I'm sluggish and I forget things. And it eats at my confidence more.

I have no idea how we're going to manage two babies. No idea. I feel like it's just not possible...I'm not good enough at one....let along two. I'm just unraveling and I need this feeling to stop.

Here, mostly.

Sorry for being so MIA.

LM is still not sleeping well at night....our best night in the last two weeks was him only waking up 2x. Well...last night he sttn but that has been the crazy fluke---and he didn't get an afternoon nap. I'm not sure what made it happen, but he slept 12 hours through. I'm hoping that it doesn't have to do with sleeping in until 830 the morning before...because we've got five more weeks of work before that can happen on a regular basis. And by then, I may have to be committed. The ever-so-anticipated 2nd tri energy boost has yet to arrive....I'm 15wk+1....surely it will get here soon! So, in the long-winded manner in which I arrived here, I've been exhausted and crashing to bed right after LM so I've been spending very little special time with my laptop. I've been keeping up with all of you on google reader...but it SUCKS to comment on. Unless there's a special way I haven't figured out besides opening each blog in the browser.  So, I'm here...and I'm keeping up with you :-) I promise.

Things are about the same here...LM is oh so close to walking (sleep regression?). He loves to monkey crawl to where he's going and stop a few feet short, stand up and wobble a few steps to his destination. He's strung together about 5 steps before toppling over. He's got the drive--just not the balance! He's got two new teeth (front, bottoms) and has been imitating a lot of words. He'll say "ot" (hot) and "dngr" (danger) while climbing the stove, he says "doki" (doggie) and crawls to his high chair when he wants to eat. He's also started crawling over to the kitchen cabinets where his bottles are kept and banging/crying when he wants his bedtime bottle. We've dropped his bottles down to 2 5oz'ers (one right before the am nap and bedtime). He did unexpectedly well at dropping the post-lunchtime bottle this past week so I'm hoping the early one goes well too. I'm just hesitant about dropping it as he doesn't really eat much for breakfast---mostly fruit and cheerios. Sometimes he'll do a thing of yogurt but overall, he's not much in to protein for breakfast---a few bites of eggs etc before refusing. So, I'm not sure if it's good to drop it yet. Any experiences with this? He's still hitting/biting etc for no real reason...and of course everything I read talks about what to do when they're doing it out of frustration (either because they don't get their way or can't express themselves) and that doesn't seem to be our case. He's really big on our reactions right now to LOTS of things but it's hard to just ignore things like hitting to get them to stop. All these things aside though...he's still this amazing little creature who amazes me daily with his actions---you should see him rolling a ball with his feet/hands up in the air--all the balance of a seal, my boy!! He's recently discovered his fine motor abilities and is rocking his gear toys and trying out a couple of puzzles.

Pumpkin Seed is still with us and growing well (well...based off my growing bump!). At my Ob appt this week, there was a strong heartbeat (quickly found too...phew!) and my blood pressure was good. I've lost pound...even though I'm eating like crazy. But, I tend to have this little person who likes to eat off my plate so perhaps my portions aren't what I think they are. That and running after him and a class of children may be having me burn more calories than expected. Either way--she told me to eat more....yes ma'am!! I went in to the appointment ready to beg for a 20wk u/s appointment for the "big" u/s since my next two appts. are 18wks and 22wks. Since I'll be out of town on vacation (oh please go better than last years) during week 22, I really was hoping she'd let me come in earlier (around 20wks) so I didn't have to wait until 23wks. But--because she rocks, as soon as she looked at the calendar (ok...I assume she looked at the calendar. It's all on her laptop but I imagine it was a calendar), she said ooh next appointment is u/s time! Yay!!! I'm super excited for getting to find out what we're having in just 4weeks!!!! I really thought I'd end up waiting until the end of May or worse, June. Though I haven't really given it too much thought yet--I need to research some more old wives tales in my ample free time to see how things are going compared to LM's---I'm going boy. This pregnancy has just seemed really really similar to LM's, except for a couple of things. But--that's another post :-)

That's all for now....I've got 5weeks left of school (the kiddos and I are both ready for summer vacation) and a ton to do. So, I better go get going while LM is napping.

Thanks for still reading!

Gumballs and stuff

I've got several bits of things that I want to share with you all, and I've been trying to find time to get them all in their own posts....but.....it's not happening. So, I will be giving you a bit of a "gumballs in a machine" post. A little variety to spice up your Thursday night.

• Aggressive Much?

Little Monkey has always had a bit of a temper. But, it's usually housed itself in the form of opinions and squawks when he doesn't get what he wants at the correct speed. However, lately, he's started hitting. He does it for various reasons---when he's mad, tired, just because. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. Usually it's TH or myself that are the recipients of it...and it's usually when he's on our laps or being held. He doesn't seek us out just to hit, but rather does it as a reaction to something.

We've tried saying "no" "no hits" etc in our firm teacher voices. We've tried putting him down immediately after saying it. We've also tried ignoring it. However, the result of most of these is him smiling and laughing at us. I've got no idea on how to work this out....I lack the proper time for research. At least he's not really doing it at daycare. (knock on wood!).

Oh...and he's also started biting. Not out of anger, just crawling up and biting various body parts. But, he's also doing it to furniture, his fingers, toys etc so I assume it's related to teething. Though, our efforts to share with him that this isn't ok aren't any more successful than the hitting.

Is he just too young to get it? Or has he already decided he doesn't respect us and will be "that kid" in society?

• Climbing

LM has taken to climbing. Now--our house is pretty much as baby-proofed as we can make it (with the exception of a couple corner guards and drawer latches in rooms he doesn't go in). However, it appears that the little man loves to climb. He's been trying to climb his baby gates--finding minute success with the cheap one we've been throwing up in the back sliding door to let in fresh air in this AWESOME March weather. I hadn't really worried much about it since he isn't tall enough to climb up on the furniture and the stairs are gated at top and bottom.
But then...because he loves to mess with me....he started doing this...


yeah....he uses the cooktop as a drum.

• Dreams

The pregnancy dreams are out of control.....why didn't someone remind me about these??? I had forgotten what it's like to dream constantly ALL NIGHT LONG. It's exhausting. But--worse than that, I'm starting to wake up mid-dream and not realize it. I've woken TH up twice this week talking about things in my dream....including telling him to turn on the light because LM's hands were sticky and I needed to clean them off. I also whacked him good during one dream because I was dreaming he was falling off a cliff and I was "saving him". Yeah....he didn't appreciate my efforts :-) I've also been dreaming about work a lot---my favorite was parents calling to yell at me about RIDICULOUS things (although...that does happen in real life). My goodness...so tired. Luckily, LM is sleeping better at night, most nights not waking up (once he goes to sleep!).  I can't remember if this gets better or did I just get used to the dreams?

• Coming out

We've come out about the pregnancy to our parents (ok..not my dad yet but I've got this master plan about a Big Brother shirt but LM WILL NOT smile/look at the camera/not move suddenly while wearing the shirt). But--after spring break next week, it's time to come out at work. I'll be 12 weeks this weekend and I'm ready (though I'll probably make sure I can hear the HB on the doppler). I'm not as excited about sharing the news at work this time....I'm not sure that my maternity leave has faded from their minds (there was some drama because my team is a bit dysfunctional without me there...no..seriously...I mean it. They just had a convo in front of me this week about I can't have another baby because there's too much drama when I'm not around to keep people in line....awkward.)

So....we'll see how it goes. Part of my lack of excitement probably stems from the emotional disconnect that I'm still feeling with PS. I'm hoping this gets better...I feel a bit in a funk about it. Pre-Post Partum Depression anyone? Maybe I'm just burnt out about work and need a break to just relax.


So, those are my updates. I swear I'm going to work on posting more. I just can't seem to find the time/energy after LM goes to bed. I read everything on my phone...it's just a POS and going from Google Reader to the browser to comment screws up too much. I wish I could do it directly. Someday. Someday.