Reality Check

There have been a lot of things in the last few days that have made me take a reality check about my attitude. Call it a combination of real life (Diana and her fight to save her boys, some of the parent/student crap I've dealt with at school lately---seriously, how hard is it to love and spend time with your child??) and the lovely world of fiction that exists in my DVR (Greys, Private Practice---I won't elaborate in case you aren't up to date). All of it combined to make me realize that my anxiety, my nerves and general worked-upedness are the wrong path.

Perhaps it was the unexpected way that PS came about...without the struggle with medicines, doctors and IF. Maybe I just didn't appreciate this pregnancy enough....I took it for granted. And, instead, I need the reality check of just how lucky I am. Things are progressing on target (although after my DVR'ing, I'm scared for the u/s in 16 days)---I'm healthy, PS is healthy, LM is healthy (though teething AGAIN) and TH...well he's in the throes of a man-cold, so obviously his world is ending :-) 

I don't know how this pregnancy will turn out. I don't know if we'll face obstacles or be smooth sailing like LM. I don't know if LM will continue to grow and thrive as great as he is....or if my worries will be validated. I have no idea what kind of children they will turn out to be---or whether their future teachers will question my parenting or be glad I'm in their lives.  I don't know if I'll maim TH for not getting his act together about things....or if we'll sort it all out.

I just.don't.know. And I have to accept that and start enjoying the moment. I'm going to miss things because I'm worrying too much. And I need to stop. I can "obsess" about things like cribs and biting (though, mostly exclusive things) but the "big things"....those things I need to stop worrying about. I need to gain more confidence (how? no idea) so that I can enjoy life more.

This isn't to say I won't worry or complain...I think that's who I am. But--I'm done being anxious about whether having 2 under 2 will eventually do me in mentally, emotionally and physically. It is what it is and I need to be more grateful.

Unraveling around the edges

It's been rough here lately....LM isn't sleeping well for reasons unknown, TH and I are arguing about a family reunion, my lack of energy aka desire to do anything domestic and various other things, work is super stressful with end of the year assessments and a class that honestly, has exhausted my spirit this year. I feel at the edge of something...something not good. Between the hormones and the stress, I'm a crying mess lately. I just feel like I'm unraveling.

And then, I missed my blogiversary. Because I thought that Blogger notified you/reminded you/sent a singing telegram or something. And it just crushed me. All the reminders about how last spring I felt hope as a parent, had time to blog and just in general didn't feel like my life was running away from....thinking back to where I was a year ago and how I feel now...it was just too much. I had been looking forward to the date and reflecting...and then I missed it. And then I reflected anyway...and I'm sad about things.

I can't seem to figure out how to balance motherhood/wifehood/selfhood. I try to be a good mother and i end up neglecting work or not making a dinner that a college freshman couldn't whip up. I try to focus more at work and take on more...and I drop the ball because I'm too tired. I try to be a better wife and work harder and making homemade meals, not forgetting to take the laundry out of the dryer, not wearing ratty pjs every night etc etc...and then he says something (inadvertent/intentional or not) and it strips all my confidence away and my desire to try.

I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well consistently in about a year and a half. With the added pregnancy brain and exhaustion....it's bad. Just really bad. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and find clothes that match (and fit). I feel my brain sitting there all wrung out and dried up and I have no idea what to do about it. I cried and cried the other night while laying on the floor of LM's room, letting him rub on my hand while he tried to get back to sleep (which he was up for no reason whatsoever that I could tell)...I just felt like such a failure. Why can I not figure out what he needs to sleep better? Why am I still fighting this at this age? NO ONE talks about babies who don't STTN at almost 14 months. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't....we're going on vacation with family soon and I'm already feeling mortified that he sleeps so badly...when it seems to come so easily to others. And TH...he tries to be understanding (and he does get it when LM is sick or teething or has had an off nap day etc) but the battle over him waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night (or an hour after he goes down OR at 430 in the morning----you get my point) is getting old. His answer when I'm upset and feeling useless about it is that surely there's solutions out there and I must not be reading/researching it enough......UM first off, I have and I've tried things. But there's no real manual. AND 2nd---when do I have time to do all this reading? I barely can keep up with my blog,  FB and DD group (both, though I'm iffy on the October one...drama mamas it seems). And when I tell him it makes me feel  inadequate or like a bad mom...he reacts like a guy and not with the reassurance I need. And I've asked for it...but it seems false then.

I just feel like a bad mom for not being "better". My brain is all I have...I'm not coordinated, I'm not a jock, I'm not artistic or a good cook, I don't make things/sew/create....I'm just the smart person. That's been my role as long as I can remember. I'm the one you want on your trivia team. But now...with the exhaustion and emotion....the baby raising and baby growing...my brain is betraying me and I'm not the smart one anymore. I'm sluggish and I forget things. And it eats at my confidence more.

I have no idea how we're going to manage two babies. No idea. I feel like it's just not possible...I'm not good enough at one....let along two. I'm just unraveling and I need this feeling to stop.

Pressure

Where does it come from? This intense pressure that I feel for LM to do things and change. I'm not talking about things like crawling....for some reason, these kinds of milestones don't seem to upset me if he's behind. I trust that he'll get there--especially the gross motor ones since he's my chunky little monkey and it'll take more time.

But there are these random things that I find myself feeling pressure about things like sleep and food. The pedi mentioned that with the natural transition to more food and less formula, he would naturally drop a feeding. There was already one feeding that was feeling forced, so we stopped that bottle and added some more food at dinner (the bottle was a 5pm one). It was working...but then he stopped sleeping well and I felt so guilty about giving him that bottle again. I am because he's hungry and wants it. And, with what I expect is an upcoming growth/milestone spurt, I want him to have it. But--I feel like he's going backwards. I know he's not. Rationally, I get this. But--I worry that I'm holding him back somehow...that he's drinking too much and not eating enough. I read about babies his age in my mom group that are eating multiple jars of baby food, plus table food in a day...and sometimes he just doesn't want to eat that much. I don't want to hold him back....and I'm sure he's not.

But--I worry that I'm babying him. Ironic--I know.  I worry that he can handle eating more--especially table foods. That he wants more types of foods, bigger pieces, bigger quantities etc...and I'm holding him back, so he gets bored and wants nothing to do with it. There's no guide to this whole motherhood thing...I get that. But--i am SO SICK of hearing that I should just do what is best for my baby. How I am supposed to know this?????? I need to hear more specific plans/experiences that people have used to transition. I'm tired of just guessing (and by guessing, I mean reading a ton of things and make a semi-informed decision). I'm tired of TH relying on me to figure it out. I'm tired of him assuming that I know what I'm doing when it comes to decisions. Ugh.

I'm just tired of it. Speaking of tired...sleep is the other area. If one more person asks me whether he's STTN...and then gives me a "look"...I will punch them. Guarantee it. I know sleep goes in cycles and that with new things/spurts/life, sleep changes. You ladies have been more than helpful in this area. But--I still feel so frustrated. TH thinks that I'm causing some of his bad sleep habits. And--it's possible. He likes to hold my hand through the crib slats as he falls asleep, rubbing on my fingers. He doesn't NEED to...and sometimes, like tonight, he falls asleep on his own anyway. I also can't handle him crying and tend to go to him quickly to give him his paci or, if he's really upset, to pick him up and rock him. I know know know that he is capable of self-soothing and that it is counter-intuitive to pick him up. I can't handle CIO...and I've yet to figure out what "method" I want to use. I just need something....ugh.

Actually (to those of you still reading), what I need is to back the F off myself. I'm creating the pressure. No one else (except TH, who really only argues but has no follow thru to help fix it and really doesn't know what to do either so I don't have to do what he thinks!) is pressuring me to make him eat or sleep more "normally".  It's all about some arbitrary goal I set for myself....and for him....and it needs to stop. He won't drink bottles forever and I don't see a ton of kids waking up all night....so I know in time it all passes. I just need to give myself a break.

Thanks for listening.

Rightly Wrong

I live my life by routines--I like them, my kindergarteners need them and heck, even my dog likes being able to predict what will happen next (he's quite apt at "making predictions"). However, with 3/4 of year of being a mother under my belt---I wish I had realized the point of this article earlier. We do/did/plan to do a lot based off LM setting his own schedule---but the guilt/panic of realizing in the long run that we let him take the hard route is rough. Having to answer the question "Is he sleeping through the night yet?" with "No" and then watching the disapproving/confused/pitying looks....it makes you question whether you're doing the "right" thing. I need to realize there is no "right" thing and just roll with it better. There aren't a bunch of insomniac, pacifier addicted, rolling adults running around.
Check out this great article!
Where was this 9 months ago?

I suppose being selfish is normal....

There are a lot of things going on around me that make realize how selfish I am. Not in the "you're so selfish, you rotton person you" sense that seems to always crop up when you're in a big fight with someone. But--more in the "not appreciating what you have/been given/worked for" sense.

There are two moms in my March Mommies online group that have babies that are very very sick. One has spent a majority of their life in the hospital with cancer and another is a 2yo who just had a bone marrow transplant for leukemia and his parents learned this week than soon they may have to make a choice about whether to resuscitate him or not.  They are living soul-crushing, life-altering existences right now.  They may lose their babies.

Conversely, my world is focused on the seemingly important tasks of LM's sleeping/eating habits, keeping my head above water at work and still maintaining some front of being a good wife/housekeeper.

But--compared to the worries of others...these are so selfish. Does it really matter why LM sleeps some nights and not others? Does it matter that TH continues to be less than impressed by my attempts at culinary creations? Does it matter whether LM is meeting developmental milestones or even what the heck is causing his eczema?

No. My baby is healthy. My marriage is healthy. I have a job I am not worried about losing.

It's so hard to maintain the right mindset sometimes. I cannot fathom waking everyday knowing that today I might watch my baby die. But, even knowing this, I continue to worry about my "things". I tell myself to keep it all in perspective. And I understand that these are "normal" mom things to worry about...and moms all over the world are worrying about the same things. However, deep down, they are selfish things to worry about because in the end, I will still have a thriving baby. He might be cranky, stay up all night and never roll back to front...but he'll be here and he's all mine.

My much younger cousin gave birth two weeks ago to a little boy. She's fairly estranged from most of my family due to her antics, addictions and general disregard for my aunt's heart, love and well-being. She has nearly broken up their marriage and caused my aunt numerous health problems. In the last year (at various times), she's been homeless, shacked up with random guys, in/out of the hospital from street fights and yet other times, manages to show up to her minimum wage job. She's bi-polar amongst other things and basically lacks the impulse control that stops most normal people from agreeing to any random thing. She's totally a fit parent (please note the dripping sarcasm). She gave birth and seemed to be ok. Yet--we find out this weekend that the baby had to be rushed from an ER to a children's hospital when he was foaming at the mouth and had blue feet. No one knows why yet.

Again, a baby that is struggling in life and was born into a "home" that is going to contain so many obstacles to growing up healthy--emotionally and physically. I get that I'm lucky to be able to maintain my mental health and provide my baby with a safe, caring home. There are so many people out there that are still yearning for their baby, while so many people don't care for their baby the right way. I should feel blessed with my life.

But that doesn't stop me from complaining about heading back to work tomorrow after a nice long fall break. It doesn't stop me from thinking cranky thoughts that TH never, never, never offers to clean the bottles...even once. I still think these selfish thoughts and say selfish things. Somehow, someway, there is a way in which to strike a balance between be honest about my life/feelings and keeping myself in check when it comes to realizing I'm SO lucky. I'm going to work harder at finding out how to do this. I think it will help me appreciate my life more, love LM and TH more and in general, be a better person.

But man....it's easy to be selfish...but I guess that's normal.

**If you'd like to read more about the journey's of the other babies I mentioned, you can do it here and here.

Reality check

Why does it seem like that my dog is the one who is the only one who can talk some sense into me? More times than not, this little spoiled Yorkie-Poo has given me an attitude readjustment. I know how spoiled he is--we're the ones who did it to him :-) He loves LM a ton---especially when there's spit-up to lick up! Likewise, LM loves him as well---he cracks up watching the dog run around or play with his toys. He opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue to accommodate the spit-up licking. But--he's a jealous little thing. He always brings toys for us to throw when we're playing with LM. He burrows in and snuggles on our laps when there's room for him on our laps when we're holding LM. He demands attention. This behavior reminds me to make room in my life for more than LM. Making time for him is something that helps balance out out lives. He is a jumping, barking, wiggling reminder to keep friends, family and TH in the loop. Today, I was at the end of my rope with the dog. The darling little furbaby was killing me with the incessant barking at non-existent sounds. His new-found love of freaking out when someone goes out the door--complete with barking and leg herding woke up LM TWICE. He was about to earn a visit to Cruella DeVille (just kidding, just kidding!). But then, after LM went down (early!!) and I took care of some laundry--the dog and I headed downstairs. But, as we went downstairs, he stopped at LM's door and whined. I let him in (thinking he had left a toy in there) and watched him walk up to the crib, hop up on his hind legs like a circus dog and look at LM sleeping. He hopped around like that for a couple seconds and then trotted back out the door and down the stairs. That's all it took for the frustration/anger etc to evaporate. His cute gesture of love for LM reminded me how simple love can be and even though he drives me crazy...our little spoiled dog loves our little monkey and for that, I can cut him some slack.

Like a dog

I awoke today feeling grouchy. Maybe it was because I'm 100% exhausted...this whole 515am thing is killing me. LM has been a sweet sweet baby this week and has only woken up once a night all night...and gone back down easily. Until last night---then it took 45 minutes...which isn't long...but it sure sure felt like it. And I have a headache...which means I probably need to drink more water...but that doesn't have caffeine :-)

Anyway--but then I went and let the dog out. He came back in and I tossed him his treat (the spoiled thing gets one everytime he poops OUTSIDE). I go back to sipping my re-heated yesterday coffee (yes, I needed some too soon to wait until the next pot brewed). I noticed that he was dancing around and playing, wiggling his tail at his treat. I wondered WTH dog, why aren't you just eating it and moving on.

And then I noticed that the treat I had given him was really two stuck together..and he was celebrating like he'd won some sort of dog lottery. And so--I'm going to get my attitude turned around and try to find be positive today (the second day of school always seems harder than the first) and find a little something to celebrate about...just like a dog.