Speakin' Good

I'm a big of a "talker"....wait what?!! No, surely, I'm making that up. You never would have guessed that. Err...right.

Anyway--I talk to LM all day long. We talk about what we're doing, what we're doing next, silly talk, running commentaries on whatever and so on and so forth. I know that talking is important to language development, and paired with a few of our baby signs, it will hopefully help LM develop a strong whole language base.

It's always been a pet peeve of mine when I hear people talking to babies with poor grammar usage. It seems like around babies, people who are normally well-spoken adults begin using random tenses, leave out words and just use poor grammar in general. It really bothers me---especially since I see the bad habits children pick up when it comes to grammar when they come to school.

But, like all good parental intentions, I've been catching myself doing it. AAK!! NO!
Just the other day, I heard myself say "You so cute!". No No No...bad Mommy! Why is it so hard to talk that fun syrupy mom talk (occasionally) without lapsing into poor grammar?? It shouldn't be so hard. I'm not perfect with my grammar usage (especially with nearly five months of sleep deprivation in play) but I thought I'd be better about it. I thought I would retain the ability to speak in clear, grammatically correct sentences to my baby. Apparently not.

Will it really hurt him if I'm not the model speaker? Probably not. But, at what point does it become influential on your child? Repeated exposure, like anything, becomes a model for little ones. They are what they live/hear/eat/see/experience. I need to do the following---a)stop worrying about it and b) try a little harder to make sure I model the language I want him to emulate. If he hears the random misspeak...that's fine. But long term, I need to make sure my speech acts as a good model. Just as my interactions with TH will model how to handle annoying people who can't seem to grasp that you're tired and really could care less about the state of the dust on our shelves :-)

Perhaps it's just a pet peeve of mine. Perhaps it's the teacher in me. But, I never thought it would be me dropping these "badder" sentences.

PSA

I got permission to share a little bit about what happened to Jacob so that other babies can be kept safe.

A couple of months ago, Jacob started rolling front to back. This was a big help for him because with his severe reflux, this is the only way he would nap somedays. He slept in his swing and rock n play for a long time, just recently transitioning to his crib. Like I mentioned, because of his unusual sleeping places, his mom put the Snuza monitor on him. During his third month, Jacob gained a good chunk of weight---he's a super cute little chubby monkey! But, what no one realized, was that he could no longer roll himself over because of the weight gain. He was spending a lot of time in upright toys--jumperoos etc. On a particularly rough day, his mom laid him down in his crib for a nap on his belly. He had had a rough night before and was really cranky/fussy. Both mom and him needed sleep desperately. His mom woke up to his alarm going off--she's not sure how long. Because he could no longer roll over or move his neck as well, he had gotten facedown in the crib and was rendered unconscious from the CO2 he was breathing in. When his mom found him, he wasn't breathing and had no pulse. She ran him downstairs, where she did CPR on him while calling 911. By the time the paramedics arrived, he was conscious but struggling to breathe. He was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Doctors and nurses worked on him and they figured out what had happened. Since he never turned blue (the CO2 basically put him in a stasis before he could suffocate), there is no presumed brain damage and he got to go home that night. He is since happy and acting normally!

His mom on the other hand is dealing with a lot of guilt. She feels that it is all her fault and that she nearly killed her baby. We've reassured her that she had no idea he couldn't roll over anymore/move his neck. I honestly had no idea that changes in weight could result in this---I always went with what people say about tummy sleeping being safe once they can put themselves on it, roll etc. I never knew their skill set could go backwards. It is because of this that she says it's okay to share her story---so that no other baby might be put in a dangerous situation.

As scary as it all is/was for them, I consider myself lucky to know them. She is an amazing mom who knew how to rise above crisis and save her baby. She is handling her guilt admirably and using her mistake to help keep other babies safe. It has taught me an important lesson on assuming nothing in parenting. Thank goodness LM doesn't like to roll unless necessary, so I've never considered it remotely safe to let him sleep like that.

I hope this helps you and your little ones and little ones you may know.

Irony

Today is our last summer fun day. We still have next week off before being on contract time but we'll be spending most of it getting our rooms ready. Normally we'll pop in and work a bit during the summer but I haven't wanted to be away from LM anymore than I have to.

As we're organizing and getting things ready for him to start at daycare next week, it has occurred to me that I'm going to have to prepare myself mentally as well. Not only have I not been at work since mid-February but I've never spent more than a couple hours away from LM since he was born. That's a big change for both of us. Our little sweetheart has been spoiled by having me home for almost five months and TH home for all but six weeks when he had to go back to work after his paternity leave. We pretty much are our own little special cocoon of family.

I'll have next week to adjust to dropping him off and working out the kinks (additional supplies, nap difficulties, bottles etc). But, when I think about the first real day of school that I have to drop him off...I pretty much have a bit of a panic attack. We have to walk out the door on time, get through drop off ok and make it to work on-time/early enough to handle the numerous first day of school fires (like the time I showed up and was given five extra students to prepare for).

There's going to be a lot of irony that day. After I gather all of my kindergartners from the buses and car rider area, they all have to say goodbye to the parents who have brought them. I'm a mean teacher and I don't allow parents to follow us into the classroom. The kids stay upset, the parents stay upset and are generally in the way. So--for us to get off to a smooth start and get our day going, my rule is that everyone says goodbye in the hall. It's not a popular edict with some of the parents. But--it is what it is. AND it works.

But this year, about an hour before all of this happens...I'm going to be the one not wanting to leave my baby on this big day. I'll be the one fighting back tears. And DL will be the one making me say goodbye before I'm ready.

I totally get the irony...I do. I wonder if that'll change anything :-)

A natural proclivity towards paranoia

I had a long post planned about our visit with the IL's and all the things I need to vent about somewhere where TH won't see it :-)

But, the whole thing with Jacob yesterday has thrown me for a loop. And I need to write about how I'm feeling instead.

I'm a worrier...I get it from my mom, who is the queen of worrying. I'm not a crazy, bubble wrap my baby kind of worrier. I am just cautious and I think things through. I can come up with a whole host of scenarios for what "could" happen with most things in my life. I analyze and usually take the cautious route. I did well in school because I hated the idea of disappointing my family. I behaved in college because I worried what would happen if I got in trouble doing something wrong.

I can talk a big game, but I usually only take calculated risks.

As a mom, I worry about keeping LM safe. I worry about the decisions I make and how I will feel about them in the long run. I worry I'll miss the big things when I go back to work.

BUT--I'm not the paranoid mama I thought I would be. When he sleeps an unexpectedly long time, I don't wake up in a panic. I don't check on him in the middle of the night. When he's being watched by my mom or TH, I don't create horrible scenarios about what might be happening. I don't visualize him being dropped. I'm strangely much more rational and calm.

Which totally goes against my norm.

But last night and today...I'm worrying. I worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep...possibly struggling to breathe all alone in his crib down the hall. I worry that there's something wrong with him that we don't know about. I worry about him napping at daycare starting next week. Just when I'm supposed to be starting to worry less about him...as the risk of SIDS is going down, as he can move his own body more and eventually choose his own sleep position...then I realize how much of a reason to worry I have. I just want to swaddle him up and put him back in his PNP by my pillow.

I also worry about how I would react in a crisis. How do you know you'd know what to do? Is it like when your car skids on the ice and you're taught to turn into the skid but who the heck can remember that when you're sliding...so you just react and you do it right???

Would I be able to save my baby? Would I be able to forgive myself if I couldn't? Or if I could have prevented something bad happening by worrying about it more and being proactive about a solution.

Jacob's mom had a Snuza for him...because she worried, not because there was a known concern. And it saved his life. Her instinct to give him CPR and revive him from unconsciousness saved his life.

It's heavy stuff.

I just can't stop worrying today. And I can't shake the horrible nauseous feeling that comes with it. The confidence I was gaining as a FTM is rocked to the core..because what do I really know? What if I'm so hung up on something silly like bottle nipple flow that I miss something important?

I was doing ok. And now, my worrying side is back. Does that "feeling" in your stomach ever go away?

An urgent request (updated!)

One of the little babies in my birth month group stopped breathing today. Thank god for his Snuza monitor going off(no breathing, no pulse) and even more than that---his amazing mom performed CPR on him. They're at the hospital trying to figure out why.

I know now everyone prays but if you do, please include little Jacob in your prayers.
If you don't, please send a positive thought out into the universe for him.

Not, I'm going to go kiss my LM (and possibly start sleeping on his floor). Give your LO's an extra hug tonight.

**Little Jacob is home and doing well. For privacy reasons, I'll leave out the personal medical details. But--the most important thing is that he's home--happy and safe--with his parents. Thanks for everything you did!**

The cool side of the pillow

You know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night hot and bleh...and then you flip your pillow over and it's nice and cool? Ahh...lovely.

I've discovered that LM has the same opinions about pacifiers. Last night after his middle of the night feed, he wasn't falling back asleep. He was squirmy and unhappy. I kept trying to coax him to take his paci but he kept spitting it out after a few sucks (yes, I checked to make sure it didn't have something on it). Finally, I grabbed another one that for some odd reason had ended up in his room and gave it to him.

It must've been just like that feeling when you flip to that cool side of the pillow, because he started sucking away and passed out.

Whatever it takes :-)

Routines

As a kindergarten teacher, I know how important routines, procedures and repetition are to successful learning/living.

I also know that having routines in your home help your baby/child/dog know what to expect and that this comforts them. I can't wait to have more "routines" with LM.

But, what I've noticed lately, is that I've developed my own mama routines. Strange little things that have become a habit...unintentionally.

For instance, when I climb into bed at night, I do the following:
I turn on the monitor
I turn the monitor to that the lights face directly at my pillow
Set my phone down in front of the alarm clock
Put a ponytail holder around my phone so when I get up to feed LM at night, I will be able to pull my shedding hair back as I walk down the hall.
Set my glasses down between my phone and the bottle of water I keep on my nightstand.
Turn off the lamp.

Now...would the world end if I didn't follow this routine every night? No. At least I don't think so. But, it helps me settle in for the night. I know that in the throes of sleep deprivation and that fabulous sensation of waking up in the middle of a weird dream to cries, I will be able to grab my phone and glasses and be on my way in no time. With no thought :-)

My other slightly embarrassing routine is slightly more of a superstition. After I turn out the light and close my eyes, I calculate.

I calculate how long it's been since LM went to sleep. And how many hours it has been since he ate. I then tell myself something like this, "Ok, he's been asleep for two hours, it's been two and a half since he ate. It's 1030 now...I'll be 'ok' if he sleeps until 1. That'll give me enough sleep...it'll be ok.". Then, I think...but I really want him to sleep until 3.

It's my little superstition. It makes me fall asleep thinking that he won't wake up in 30 minutes. And if he doesn't sleep as long as I want...I've convinced myself that it's ok. I want him to sleep until a certain time, but I always "undershoot" it so that I am pleasantly surprised if he sleeps longer.

I know this makes no sense. But, it helps me. And it reinforces my belief in the importance of routines in parenting.

Buttoned up

At least that's what I tried to do with my mouth today when we met with the daycare lady. Now, don't get me wrong...I talked. I asked my questions and answered hers about LM. I even chit-chatted about her daughter and losing teeth (I really don't like small talk!).

But, what I managed to do even more than talk was something much more important---I watched. I watched our daycare lady (henceforth known as DL) light up at the sight of LM. I watched her snuggle him, talk to him, marvel at his chunky thighs and arm rolls & introduce him to the other little ones---two 10 month old little girls (there are twin 3 year olds that will start when the school year starts up).

I watched her love my son. Now my cynical side realizes a little bit might have been for show---but honestly, it didn't appear anymore faux than when I turn up the syrupy factor when the principal pops into my classroom...not fake, just not something I have the energy to do 100% of the time.

She seems to truly love babies. She incorporated him into their day while I watched...bringing out the bumbo for him while she changed a diaper, holding him while she helped another little one work on her green beans in the high chair. I watched while she disciplined her own 11 year old daughter who was there (and a bit high-maintenance, touchy feely with the babies for my taste but hey! she'll be in school soon and she was really good with them..so my hang up mostly).

And then, I watched while he fell asleep on her lap...and she shifted him to rest on his stomach on her chest...like I had mentioned to her very early in the visit about how he really loves to sleep when we're softies and don't make him nap in his crib or PNP.

So, overall, it'll be good. He was happy and mellow the whole visit..taking it all in. I think she really is sincere in her excitement and joy about him...his birth announcement was in the collage of her daycare kids photos. I'm glad we went and more importantly, I'm glad I watched more than I talked :-)

**Some nuts and bolts just in case you're interested**
We have to provide a PNP (so we're now in the market for a simple, cheap but comfy one), diapers (we'll leave a box for her), bottles/formula (I LOVE that she already has some kiddos who take warmed bottles and some that do room temp like us, so I know she's down with it), extra clothes and a lovey if he wants one. Besides that, we'll leave our diaper bag with random normal stuff in it since TH will do pick-up and I'll do drop off.

She has wipes, a swing, bouncy chair, bumbo, age appropriate toys etc. She'll use whatever sippy cups etc that we transition to but in her story-telling (man, can she talk!) she talked about how she likes to buy toddler things like plates, silverware and cups in colors they like so they have their own little set...so I think her tendency leans towards making it a little bit more like they're a part of her home and spoiling! She also will cook some table finger foods when they're older--fruits, veggies etc. For instance, today she made green beans for the girls on top of their baby food.

Anyway--he'll start for six hours Tues-Friday the first week of August for a trial while I start prepping for the school year. I'm excited...nervous but excited.

Hope her ears are ready :-)

Tomorrow LM and I are going to go hang out with the daycare lady that we chose. This will be the first time he's met her...not sure how all the time disappeared, I had meant to do a couple meet n greets before leaving him. But--since I am a Grade A procrastinator, we're visiting tomorrow and he starts limited visits the first week of August when I go into school to start setting up for the start of school the following week.

I'm not sure if you've noticed this about me...but I don't take the short route of saying anything. So tomorrow, I KNOW I am going to have the overwhelming urge to tell her each and every little thing about LM...at least all of them I think she needs to know to make things go smoothly. Ok Ok...so it'll be each and every little thing about him.

There are so many things I feel like she needs to know. Part of that is my fault. As we are currently transitioning to formula and losing the swaddle, discussing feeding habits/info and napping info is not exactly straight-forward. The whole he "most naps after he has eaten and played but sometimes he falls asleep after he's eaten and normally naps 30-45 minutes at a time except for the times that he naps for 1-2 hours etc etc" conversation will probably end with me tongue-tied and her confused. The type A part of me wants to type it all out but I should probably wait until after we meet and I can judge a) how clearly I explained things and b) my perceived interpretation of her reaction.

Heck--I'm not even sure what all to tell her. I'm hoping she is a good question asker. I've got a list of things I want to talk about but man, I'm not good at these conversations. The wordiness might get out of control! I'm also a little unsure about what is "normal" to be expected to bring/leave at an in-home daycare (5 kids including LM) and what might be FTM not knowing I'm being duped. Not that I don't trust her...I just always feel like I may be offering to do/provide too much.

Any tips? Experiences? Anything to help me not turn into a crazy speed talker :-)

“Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.” - Arthur Helps

That pretty much sums up why Half Price Books made me go into labor. Did I ever tell you that?

Ok..slight exaggeration. I didn't go INTO labor there. But, I blame them.

I had been home on workrest for 2 1/2 weeks when I couldn't take it anymore.

What is workrest, you ask?? Workrest is when your feet look like Spongebob Squarepants and your cankles would look at home on an elephant...then your doctor tells you it's time to stop chasing around the kinder-sweeties and get off your feet.

Luckily, after a few days at home the the swelling went down (and by "went down" I mean that five pounds worth of fluid went away). I finished nesting (not a long process as I was planning to work until 2 days before my DD and had gotten most things done during a lovely ice storm that cancelled school for several days). I puttered around the house pretending to do things so that TH wouldn't realize I mostly just slept in and watched Cr.iminal Minds, House Hunters and CSI all day. But finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt great. My Braxton-Hicks had stopped and stripping my membranes hadn't accomplished anything. I had been the same amount dilated/effaced for 3 weeks. I WAS GETTING OUT.

So, I went to Half Price Books. I meandered around, buying a nice slew of chick lit, mysteries and a few "what to do after the baby comes" type of books. I figured that this would give me plenty of time to read up a little on what to do with the the little man whose feet lived in my ribcage and then read fun, mindless books until my induction (scheduled for three days after my DD...another story).

I came home, wiped off the kitchen counters (you know, making it look like I had accomplished something!) and took a nap. Later that night, I was wide awake (yay third tri insomnia) reading The Girlf.riend's Guide to the First year when *POP*...my water broke. I retrieved TH from the guest room (someone said I snored) and off we went on our new journey...

So, I blame HPB as why I went into labor 26 hours before my DD and mere hours after I SWORE to anyone that would listen that I wasn't giving birth anytime this decade. Way to make me look like a fool HPB :-)

Aren't you glad I shared this with you? I figured I would share this story since today I went back to HPBooks for the first time since that day. I had run out of books (well, ones not on my kindle) and had a coupon for $5 off. As I wandered through the aisles, I remembered that day...how hard it was to squat down and get books off the bottom shelf, how awkwardly I hauled my bag of books to sell around and how I was so sure I'd read them all before LM came.

Haha.

The funniest thing was when I saw a book that I sold back that day...on the clearance shelf, with the purple sharpie smudge on the spine from a minor sharpie mishap I had. It's amazing to me that in as much as my life has changed in the last four months, that book had sat snugly in its spot on the shelf, waiting for someone to take it home and love it. And in fact, hadn't changed at all.

There's a lot of uncertainty in life and there's a lot of fluidity. Some things are out of our control and some things we over-control. I used reading and book-shopping as a way of dealing with my uncertainty (and some ironically hubris-like certainty) about giving birth. I was avoiding thinking about what was actually about to happen...because I was sure it wasn't.

Getting off my ever-growing a** and going to Half Price Books that day was probably the "get up and move around" that I needed to jump start things. All the books on those shelves have seen a lot of people walk by since then...people sure and unsure about where their lives were taking them. They watch and wait for the right person. And someday, someone will buy that book and take it home to read and maybe love it...and hopefully not go into labor (unless they want to).

(I never did finish reading the book I was reading that night...maybe I should get to it!)