Transitions

The last few weeks have been full of transitions....back to work, back to daycare, new routines, new struggles.

Work has been hard--my kiddos learned a lot of bad habits while I was gone and I've got some pretty severe behavior problems to fix.  On top of being behind curriculum and learning-wise....it's been hard to play catch-up.  I also found out that one of my co-workers has breast cancer.  So...work has been a lot of work.  I'm exhausted by the time I get home....from working all day long after a night of interrupted sleep (she's up at least once a night).

LM is struggling in daycare.  It's been hard for him to get back into the routine of daycare...especially with having to share her with his baby.  He's been aggressive again..hitting, scratching, kicking.  And, not listening...a lot.  He was struggling with napping (she was trying to get him to lay on a mat for naptime so PS could use the pnp--not that she naps in it anyway!) and we had one horrible blow-up day last week where she spanked him (apparently it was a swat more than anything) but it got pretty ugly between us.  We have arrived at an ok place right now but this is my final incident with her. If anything else comes up, I'm done.  I know she's really frustrated with his behavior...but he's not even two yet and just doesn't get it yet.  He will learn and he will get it..but it will take time. Sometimes I think his verbal skills make people (us included) assume that he understands/processes more than he can.  I'm hoping that he'll get into the routine again and be ok.  But, I'm looking into new places just in case.  Beyond that, he's doing great--singing, dancing, talking up a storm! I can't believe he's almost two!!!

PS added to the stress of the week by having a new breakout of hives that got progressively worse as the week went on.  So, to throw a big transition in---I'm stopped breastfeeding entirely.  Obviously, there is more that she's allergic to and I can't eliminate everything from my diet. I also couldn't continue to deal emotionally with the idea that I'm hurting her with what I eat...without knowing.  So, I ended that chapter of my life.  It's been highly emotional for me (not to mention painful as the not feeding engorgement set in) but I'm trying to make the best out of it.  I know that it'll be better for her to have a controlled diet that we can help her feel better with.  Today I'm having a glass of wine without having to time it around feeds and see the positive in it. We ended up at the pediatrician's office on Friday to have her looked at.  She confirmed that it's not a contact rash but a classic "food" related rash. She wants us to go back to the hypoallergenic formula (as you remember--she hated it the first time and REFUSED to drink anything out of a bottle for awhile so we went for soy to see if she'd take it).  She wasn't sure if it was a reaction to the soy that had been building in her system or something else (corn maybe?).  We're weaning her off the soy by mixing the two formulas until she'll take the hypo one.  She's been doing okay with it so far.  Of course, I'm sure I just jinxed us! We go back to the pedi allergist in June unless she continues with hives after being on the hypo formula full time for awhile.  We also have steroid cream for her body and a liquid for her head (yup--it's there too) to get the hives/rash to go away before it harms her skin---it's seriously bad looking folks.  I'm hoping that once we get it cleared and on the new formula, it'll make a difference in how she feels.  What I'm not looking forward to though, is the cost of it.  Retail, we're looking at 35$ every 5 days...and she only takes 4oz bottles right now.  When I'm done with this, I'm going to be doing some research on buying through Ebay, CL etc.

It's been a lot lately. I feel like I'm unraveling emotionally...but just don't have time to actually do it.  I'm sub-par at a lot of things...and great at nothing.  I just want to be good at something...I don't need great yet.  Oh, and I'd like someone to come wash my bottles every night :-)

Watching

As I sit here hopping myself up on coffee (415 feeding with a 515 alarm clock after tossing and turns from nerves until midnight requires extra reserves) and watching PS and LM sleep as the monitor scans between their two rooms, I am amazed that they are mine. Somehow, my less than perfect self managed to grow two little people who despite looking crazy alike, are little individuals with personalities (even at PS's young age) that are astounding.

I've done a lot of "ehh" things in life to be rewarded with such wonderful beings. I'm heartsick at what I'm going to miss while I'm at work. I have no idea why it is so much harder this time--theories abound from going back to work mid-year vs the start and knowing exactly how fast they change/how much I'll miss this time. And I suppose this is true--I push myself to be great at work and I know that I need to just accept good for the rest of this year. With LM, I was in denial about what I'd miss--and while he was super helpful at not doing any big milestones at daycare--I didn't realize how fleeting time was.  Everyday now, he says something new and amazing....he's making connections about the world around him and wiggling his little tush at commercial music in a way that makes my heart pitter patter. PS grows (physically and personality-wise) every day...her sweet smile melts my heart. I just know that I'll miss her first giggles...we're so close.  I wish I could stay home with them...but at the same time I know that I'd be an awful SAHM. Those who do it wonderfully rock...I'd be so bad at it!!

It's so hard to strike a balance in life. But, for now, I'll just enjoy my coffee and babies.

Grindstone

That's what I'm back to tomorrow. I cannot believe it's been three months since I went on maternity leave. I'm not sure that there wasn't some bizarre sleeping beauty spell that happened because there is no way it's almost January 7th and I have a 22mo old and a 3mo old by weeks end.

Not F'in possible.

I'm sad to leave them. Scared too. We don't have PS's feeding issues all worked out yet. I'm walking into a storm of undisciplined students who apparently from what I saw of my room, have learned little while I was gone. I have so many personal inadequacy fears (mom and teacher, don't forget wife too!) that I feel like a failure already because I won't be able to be great at anything...just ok at many things.

My heart is sad. I just want to snuggle with them both all night.

Ahead of the curve

While I spend a long time finding time to compose the last post (and actually publishing), positive things have been going on around here!

Saturday, PS rolled over belly to back!!!! She adores being on her side--often using her legs to squish herself up into a fetal position from her back while sleeping--so I have been trying to get her as much tummy time as possible because I want her to have strong (un-crooked!) neck muscles in case she gets over onto her stomach before she really can control it and end up on her face.  And--using her awesome head control to lean herself over, she rolled right over onto her back!! I, of course, flipped her back after celebrating and had her do it again :-)

I immediately wanted to find out when LM did it--so I went to check his baby book.  Turns out, that while I have lots of other things in there....this is where I eventually found the answer--in his virtual baby book of sorts! He rolled belly to back at 14weeks and she did it at 11 weeks.

So--PS is ahead of the curve in the gross motor department...at least in our household :-)

Truly the second child...

PS is truly the second child...because if she weren't..she'd probably be our only.

She has reflux--and even medicated twice a day--it still bothers her. Her fussiness is better--she smiles and coos (at us sometimes, at her flower decals above her changing table...always!). She still is hard to console in the evening...she still has some witching hour tendencies. This usually indicates to me that she is ready for her evening dose but even so, she's happiest when being held by mama. TH is great with her and helps out a ton with LM...but most times, she just won't calm down for anyone but me...me rocking/swaying/bouncing etc. It's hard--sometimes I just want to put her down or for her to just STOP. But, I know that she'll calm soon, so we power through. I'm going to have killer back/ab muscles soon!

This last week, after giving her the first bottle of formula in preparation for the return to work (as you might remember from LM, pumping at work is a stressful, not productive endeavor for me so we're sticking with formula during the day and hopefully bf'ing at night/breakfast), PS was a bit fussier than normal until about 5 hours post bottle (3oz) when she became covered in hives! Cue major freak-out on my part---all topped off with a heaping helping of guilt. Later that night, she had two poopy diapers with some blood in them, as well as an increased mucous amount (lately, post starting Zantac her diapers have become more green/mucousy). Again---Fah-reak out! I researched, consulted the mamas in LM's FB group who are experts in allergies etc and pretty discovered that we were most likely dealing with a milk protein/soy intolerance. I've been reducing my dairy intake over the last month or so to see if it would help. Luckily, the next day we had her 2month well-baby check up anyway so we were able to get into talk with the pedi about it. Nonetheless, I spent all of the night worried and listening to her breathe.

Her pedi took a look at the pictures of her hives (gone by this point), looked at the diapers and talked with us about my diet, the formula etc. She immediately suggested MPSI as a strong possibility and got a referral to a pediatric allergist going. She told me to cut out all dairy until we talked with the allergist and he gave his rec's.  She gave us a sample of some hypoallergenic formula--no milk protein, soy etc. We tried a bottle of it with her the next day--she HATED the taste, which I heard was to be expected but she took a couple of ounces so we figured we would keep trying (I'm only replacing 1-2 feeds a day until next week).  We were able to get an appointment (at the crack of dawn) with the allergist the next day (48 hours after this all started). He listened to what happened and said that he wanted to do the skin prick test for a milk allergy.  However, he explained that the blood in her diaper tells him that her body can't handle milk so even if she tests negative for the milk allergy, she still has an intolerance and shouldn't have any milk until close to 12months. So, we did the test and she did not test + for a milk allergy.  So, we're dealing with a milk protein intolerance.

This is a great link that explains the difference between an allergy/intolerance etc---it helped me figure out how to explain it all to TH and family.

Anyway--we kept trying the hypoallergenic formula....and she kept hating it worse and worse. It got to the point where she wouldn't even drink pumped breast milk from a bottle because she was associating it. TH and I talked and decided that we needed to try a soy formula. Why? 1) She wasn't tested for a soy allergy so we weren't sure if she actually had that 2) If she would drink it and thrive on it, it's not $30 a canister (retail) like the hypoallergenic ones. We tried it and she's had several days of 2 bottles a day with no hives. She still has some eczema patches (but had them before) and some days I still feel like she's having tummy troubles. But, soy can add to constipation so it's possible that she's just having some gas issues. I've been giving her gas drops with each bottle.  She still is having some mucousy poops but she's still getting about 1/2 her feeds from me and I haven't been dairy free yet for 2 weeks (and may have had a few tiny cheats with some holiday goodies) so it's possible that is from me. 

My issue at the moment is that I don't know anything for sure---not even that she doesn't have a milk protein allergy as the allergist explained that it often won't show up on a test until after repeated exposures (which I'm not planning on doing). It's not often that he sees children with such controlled circumstances (only breastfeeding except for the one bottle) when they have a reaction...and after only one instance.  I also don't know that she doesn't have a soy intolerance...if I could go back, I'd have him at least test for that too on the allergy test.  But--I don't. So, until she's 100% on the formula, I won't know if it's the dairy in me or a soy intolerance. And, if it is a soy intolerance, than our only option at that point is the hypo formula she hates (because by then, my supply won't be salvageable.). I'm planning on upping the number of bottles she has this week to 3-4 (depending on when she gets up) to mimic a day at daycare so that may shed some light too. I may also put a call into her pedi this week to discuss her thoughts on soy and maybe about getting a sample of the other hypo formula---I can't stomach spending $30 dollars on something she may not touch. If we end up with a total MPSI (milk protein soy intolerance) than it is what it is...and we'll chance our lifestyle to accommodate the additional cost.

I'm having a LOT of guilt about leaving her soon, not being strong enough to go 100% dairy free for her and a whole host of other issues (Did I eat/drink/do something while pregnant to cause this etc? Yes, I know I didn't. But still, it's in my head). I'm going to try to do better and post more in the next week....because I realize how crazy it will be when I get back to work.  I thought for sure that I'd be able to post more frequently while home on leave with her (like I did with LM) but she is truly a different child than him and has required much more of me.

Thanks for reading this...it helps to even type it out.

First Christmas

Today is Ps's first Christmas and the first that LM will remember. It's been a blast so far watching him open his and his sister's presents (little miss decided to sleep in!). It's such a special time through little eyes.

Soon the house will be full of family all ready to celebrate...cue dissipation of special and onslaught of stress :-)

Happy Holidays!

Just babies

I teach kindergarten. Don't know if I ever mentioned that.

Parents bring me their babies every August--many their first in school. They trust me to educate them. They worry about school supplies and them riding the bus with the big kids. They do not worry about me keeping them safe.

They're just babies. Why would they worry about that?

I used to tell parents anyway that anyone wanting to hurt or take their child would have to come through me. And meant it. But now that I have my babies, I don't know that I could say it anymore. That I could leave my babies like that. However, each student in my classroom is someone's baby. Could I let them die because of some deranged person?

No. I don't think so. They aren't big enough to defend me or fight someone off. I am their protector. I would expect others to do it for my babies.

To take a child's life because of a dispute you have with an adult is unacceptable. Any child. No matter your beef.

They were just babies.

Frustrated that I cannot seem to comment on any of my comments. Grr. I know you're there and I appreciate it....even if I can't comment back!

That scary moment when...

Your child got up early, didn't nap so he went to bed hardcore at 630pm....only to wake up at 1000...and you realize that he may have just taken a nap!

Knock on Wood

Th jinxed us. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday PS slept from around 9-10pm to around 6-7am! It was crazy refreshing...except for the engorgement.

Then last night, Th went and opened his yap about how she sleeps through the night now. No!!!! Why would he say something like that? Surely he knows better!? He didn't even knock on wood.

And of course, she woke up at 4am. We're still better off than with LM but man, who knows how long our streak could've been? Silly men.