Fail

Today I feel like a bad mother....a selfish one. Lm was down for his nap (only one today as I decided that since he slept in so late, it would be better to put with cranky butt in the evening instead of him staying up playing until ten like last night after a too late pm nap). He'd only been asleep about an hour. I had just gotten done finally showering and TH was headed out to go hang out with some friends for a couple of hours.

FINALLY---some time to myself. I figured I had at least another hour since LM was tired from going down for a nap later than normal. I came downstairs and dug around the pantry for lunch...settling on making myself a delicious, totally two person bag of creamy chicken noodles. And, big plans to sit with a giant bowl of it and eat it up (What can I say? PS likes noodles) while watching trashy tv. I had just gotten things up and going when I heard LM start crying...and like any stellar mother would, I reacted without thinking....with a loud, whiny wail of a "NO".

Just like a toddler not wanting to do something. There I was...whining because my baby was up. Because I would have to be taking care of him on my own. Because I wanted to sit and eat noodles in piece. Not my shining moment.

Where did that joy go of seeing him smile and say "Mama" when I come in to get him up for a nap/bed? Why did I feel the need to be so selfish today? It's not like I heard him, thought about what I'd rather been doing and huffed or sighed. No--my brain reacted with the gut instinct of "No".

Ugh. Mommy fail.

Where things stand (written with my head in the sand)

Welcome ICLW'ers!! It's been awhile since I participated in one of these (life just seems to get in the way of me being a good participant). I've been loving reading the blogs I've been visiting and I hope you enjoy your time here. Visit the About Me tab to learn more about our journey---though here's a snapshot: We're loving up on our Little Monkey (15mos) given to us after our journey with IF, while unexpectedly expecting our little Pumpkin Seed in October.

So my commitment of blogging more now that school is out for the summer isn't quite going according to plan....though I blame the water heater flood, broken garage door and flurry of doctor appt's much more than my own laziness :-) However, I wanted to update you all on where thing are standing with LM's neck issue.

I've spent the better part of the week on the phone trying to gather insurance info, gather referrals, talking to Dr's, making appointments and, oh yes, listening to that lovely canned hold music. I've talked with his pedi on the phone (a first for me, having an actual doctor call me on her lunch break) and she supported our plan to get a pediatric ophthalmologist to look at his eyes and to get the ball rolling with our state's Early Intervention program First Steps to get him evaluated for OT/PT.

So, I set about making an appointment with one of the like 5 PO's in our state....long story short, we have an appointment in a month. While you gasp in the horror that these doctor's wouldn't immediately drop everything and clear their schedules to see my baby, let's note that the next best appointment....two months away. I'm sure my new administrators would've loved that---I imagine the conversation would've gone something like this: "I know that you're new and don't know me and that I'm about to have a baby and leave for nine weeks. Oh, and that I have to slip out a little early before contract time all the time because I have to go to the dr every week. Oh, and that it's like the second week of school---but I need to be gone because my baby has a crooked neck. Thanks!! Please don't hold it against me when you're doing our new evaluations that take attendance and student learning into our pay for next year!" So--in summary--I'll take waiting a month (partially because I have no choice but also because I don't think his eyes are the issue--though that would be the easy fix).

So then I embarked on the EI route---and while I got the ball rolling, I'm waiting for a phone call back to get the process going further. Once this happens, we'll have a meeting to talk about it all, schedule the eval, meet again after that to talk about what they found, then eventually start some therapy----hopefully before he turns three and is no longer eligible ;-) 

This is where the issue "at home" arose. I'm content to wait out the phone call back and appointment (while we do some neck stretches we read about). TH on the other hand--accused me of sticking my head in the sand and not being willing to "move faster" because I wouldn't accept his "short" research on pediatric chiropractors and take LM to one because "they're like the same thing as OT's and PTs". Now, maybe it's my skepticism (and please please feel free to share with me great experiences you've had) but I wasn't ready to jump on making that appointment until I had time to read things about it and learn more. He's my baby and I'm not willing to just let anyone touch him--especially if the pedi didn't mention it as an option. Of course, this caused drama because TH didn't understand why I wasn't willing to "try everything" immediately. I tried explaining that I've very overwhelmed by this whole issue and am struggling with the idea of my baby being "broken" (yes, I know he's not, but I'm hormonal), while worrying that this baby is growing crooked in utero (and yes, I plan to talk with my OB about my crazy concerns). I just needed time to process and research.

We compromised when he found a place related to our local hospital that does the evaluations--though, we have no idea of the cost. They, of course, needed a real referral and our pedi doesn't work Thursday's, so I'm waiting for either a call back saying the script is ready or a call from my pedi to discuss it.
So---we wait. Again. But, the ball is rolling (several of them).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go brush the sand out of my hair while I go try to deal with our new drama about daycare (more later), trying to find a name for PS (it's driving me crazy) and putting together some furniture/sorting through the delivery of girl clothes from my SIL. Oh, and not doing the work I swore I'd get done over the summer to help the school year start off easier :-)

It never stops.

The worries that is...just when I think I've got it under control...more pops up. We had LM's 15mo well-baby check on Tuesday and (while he is perfectly healthy and growing like a weed!) we had some issues come up that are now pretty worrying to me. I'll address one here today and another later (it's not as big of an issue...yet).

At LM's 6mo appt, the pedi noticed his head leaning to the right and told us to work on stretching it and to keep an eye on it to make sure it wasn't "bothering" him. It seemed to straighten as he learned to roll over and sit up. At the next appt (9mo), she remarked how much better it seemed and we went on with our lives.

But-at our appt on Tuesday, she noticed it again and asked how long it had been like that. And (gulp) honestly we had no idea. He's been monkey crawling for so long that his head was always "down" and he just started walking to he's all off-balance and wobbly anyway. Now that we look at it--it's all we see. I looked back at some pictures the last couple of months, and it's there sometimes too.
She wanted us to watch it for a week to make sure it wasn't from funny sleeping etc. But--we've been watching, and he definitely leans his head to the right. She checked his neck (no super tense muscles) and his vision "appeared" fine. We're supposed to call next week if it hasn't improved and she wanted to schedule a "scan" to check for other things. She also mentioned that it usually has to do with eyes (one stronger than the others etc).

We've done some research, both of the Dr. Google and my BIL dr and it seems like this is something that was best dealt with early--though we can't control that. Our BIL said that he thought that an MRI was a big leap before having a pediatric ophthalmologist check him first. And that would be his first step.

I've talked to some of the moms in LM's due date group that have gone through this and while they second the vision check (I can only imagine how costly a bunch of pediatric ophthalmology visits and tests will be with our "super" insurance coverage!), the consensus seems that I should prepare myself for the idea that some OT/PT will be necessary. There's been talk of patches and neck collars---but all stories point to things getting better.

I'm scared that this is going to be something more---TH and I both got glasses in 3rd grade (though his are/were SUPER bad and he had the complicated laser surgery last summer to fix it). I'm scared it will involve lots of PT or something more. I'm scared this has been going on for longer and we just didn't notice it---and could've helped him sooner. It's just hard because you want your baby to be "perfect"...or at least without defect. And so far (minus the biting, hitting and sleeping issues), LM has been a dream.  

And now I'm scared that he's broken...and that maybe it was something I did or didn't do. While the common theory is muscles growing at different rates, it can be from not having enough room in the womb...so now I'm worried about PS too. 

So Monday, I'll call the pedi and tell her what we'd like to do (eyes first) and talk to her about whether we should get the ball moving on an EI (early intervention) evaluation sooner or later (i.e. before or after a scan if she still thinks we should). I'm just scared about what it all means.

We Survived!

We're back! And mostly in one piece....somehow LM and I both managed to have gain a bunch of little unexplained bruises. Though, his are probably from falling over left and right as he crashed around a non-baby proofed condo while trying to keep up with his cousins. Mine...no clue. I probably need to eat more iron....ehh...and I'm clumsy!

Anyway--we had a great time. We did lots of fun things---the aquarium, shopping, hiking etc. Sleep....well...sleep was a battle. Somehow dropping the bedtime bottle a few days before leaving, in combination with sleeping in a PNP don't add up to smooth sleep :-) But--we survived with a little hiding my head in the sand while he cried a bit longer than normal at bedtime and by letting him snuggle in bed with us when he woke up super early. And, now that we're home, he's making up for lost time with his crib by going down well and sleeping solidly. Plus---we're now bottle-free (I think)! Not that I've packed them away or anything...I'll save the sterilizing and packing for when we're a couple more weeks out (I'm not superstitious, worried about jinxes or anything!).

When I reflect back on the trip (the seven hour car ride either way, the sleeping, the marrying of two very different family styles into one schedule), what I've realized is that sometimes I don't give LM enough credit. We don't go out to eat much at home--partially as a money saver but mostly because it's easier than going out with him. But, on vacation, there were several times when he should be napping or hadn't napped so was close to bedtime etc, and we were just heading out to do something/eat. And---no matter how much/little he had napped or how close to being asleep he should be---he was a rockstar in the restaurants. He ate whatever we fed him, waved hi to all the other patrons, flirted with servers and in general, acted like a well-rested baby. He even happily rode around on TH's back in our new backpack carrier (LOVE IT!) on the strip well past his bedtime---with only a paci and pedestrians to keep him happy. He wiggled and danced to music coming from stores, pretended to talk on the phone and waved like crazy.

I think that I've become so used to doing whatever it takes to survive, that I've stopped taking chances. If something "works" when it comes to helping him sleep better (or anything else we're trying to work on--eating, not hitting, napping etc), I superstitiously keep doing it. Anything not to rock the boat. I think early motherhood teaches us to throw out our "mommy rules" and do whatever it takes to get sleep, stay sane etc. From that point on, I think I just clung to whatever worked and didn't want to rock the boat. But, this vacation showed me that I need to be more "brave" as a mom and give my baby a chance to surprise me. I was reading a blog the other day that said something along the lines of what works today, won't work tomorrow and vice versa. I need to remember to this. I have to let him show me what he's capable of and not be so scared of it "messing everything up". Vacation made me "survive" without routines, without naps (or just 1 somedays), without realistic bedtimes, without childlocks etc. And, it showed me that it's ok. It's not how I'd like to live my life, but it made me feel better about being brave.

So, I'm going to try to take more "risks" as a mom. Yesterday, instead of just taking it easy in the am until after LM's morning nap, we packed up and headed up to run errands 30min before he probably would've gone down. We stayed out from 1000 until 3pm. He dozed a few times in the car but woke up for stores, went out to lunch and in general, showed that he can do it. Being able to do it at home gave me more confidence.

So, folks, it's time to stop "surviving" and start living again.....because I have to stop being scared.

Roll out

We're headed off on vacation today with the SIL/BIL and their three kiddos. It's only five days but I'm a little concerned about how long it will actually feel! I know the cabin/villa-thingy we're staying at isn't 100% childproofed so I'm SURE LM will find each and everything to eat/pull/climb on/pull over within the first 5 minutes. I'm also a wee bit concerned about him being in a chlorinated pool for the first time--especially since the steroid ointment as just gotten all his eczema cleared up. But, I've still got some and my BIL is a doctor so we can get more if we need.

Wish us luck! We were hoping to keep LM up until lunchtime, eat and hit the road so he can crash......and then he got up at 630am!! Oh well--the best laid plans!!