Friday, July 27, 2012

Mommy Secret

There's been a lot of talk lately about "secrets" that moms keep from other moms to make themselves feel parents, women and feel better about their child being "better" than others.

I'll share with you my "secret"....I get a secret thrill when it's been long enough between hair washings that I can slick my hair back in a ponytail and not needs lots of pins/clips/headbands to keep it there :-)

What's yours?

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Insert Symbol Representing Name Here

This baby will have no just is not possible for us to agree.

We shall give her a symbol or call her "LM's Little Sister"

That is all.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A Different Perspective

As I sat in the waiting room at the OB's office for the 3 hours today, I got a lot of people watching in. The office was a steady stream of people--especially because my Dr had a sick child and had to leave at lunchtime so they were trying to squeeze in her afternoon people.

I don't spend a lot of time in the waiting room (thank goodness) so it really was the first opportunity I had to just watch and observe.

I remember what it was like when I was going for visits when we first started having trouble TTC. I hated seeing baby bellies or couples pouring over u/s photos. Luckily, my work schedule kept my visits at the time of day they don't do a ton of OB visits. However, it hurt to see. Once we finally were pregnant, I remember the first time of walking in, being told to leave my sample and waiting with TH to see the u/s tech for our "dating" ultrasound. We were clearly nervous and the only couple in the waiting room. After the u/s, you wait in the waiting room again for the OB to review things and then you have an appt with her (with a nurse visit for family history and bloodwork right after the u/s). I remember sitting in the waiting room analyzing our little blob--peering closely at the picture trying to see more than was there.

Today, there was a steady stream of "couples" that came in for this exact purpose. You could spot them as soon as they walked in--a still skinny nervous looking woman and a wary looking man (what man feels truly at ease at the OB-GYN?) checking in and sitting nervously holding hands. They'd be called back and hurry towards the US tech at the door like she might close the door and walk away before they made it there. A bit later, out they'd come with their strip of 3-4 pictures and they'd huddle together checking them out---often taking cell phone pictures.

It used to be us. This last time with little pumpkin seed, we still did this...but it was different. There were a couple of couples there with a young child in tow and there was a distinct difference between first timers and been theres.

In contrast, thus pretty much ended the parade of husbands/significant others (with the exception of one couple who seemed like they were there for the 20w growth scan based off her size and the number of photos she came back with). Every other pregnant person was more business like---check in, pee in a cup and wait your turn. There was plenty of waddling and subtle belly size checking out of the other women in the room but mostly, they could've been women waiting for anything. Even the few who came by themselves with other children in tow were missing that initial glow that people have when being pregnant is new and exciting and scary. Sure, there are visible nerves sometimes and no one looks downright unhappy to be there (well, except one lady who I heard the receptionist greet in a way that told me she was overdue)....but somewhere along the line of pregnancy (first or otherwise), we seem to change.

Perhaps as our outer appearance changes, it begins to reflect our inside changes---shifting from the OMG we're (finally) having a baby to dealing with some of the regular day to day decisions that come with it, on top of living your daily life. Reality sets in and casts a shadow over pregnancy. There are still those shining moments...u/s peeks, showers, baby kicks, finishing the nursery, being close to/giving birth...but there is a lot of time in between where you are just pregnant.

And until today, I didn't realize what it looked like.  To me, it helped me understand more why this pregnancy has been different. The "adrenaline" lasted longer with LM. I'm sure it faded too...but there were so many new things, it wasn't as noticeable. Watching people today, I see how it's easier for me to feel less "excited" about this pregnancy (not PS in general, but the pregnancy). If what it "feels" like to be pregnant changes so visibly to the casual observer, surely I can feel it in myself.

On a side note--I didn't hear back the results today like I was hoping too. Which makes me nervous because I know the results were back this pm and if they were good to go, the nurse wouldn't have had to check with the doctor before calling. And since my dr was gone this worries me that I was borderline again...or worse. Ugh. Luckily, I don't have to go through this again--I feel hungover and icky with a killer headache. Oh, and nauseous from eating waaay too much when I got home. Stupid fasting!

Luck of the O'Soda

I'm headed off to the OB's office to take my 3hr glucose tolerance test. I'm still ehh about taking it because I didn't technically fail. But--it is what it is.

I've got my k.indle and my laptop (haha riiiiight I'll get to the school work  I've been putting off all summer).

Fingers crossed I don't puke, pass out or fail.

Oh..and this fasting for 12 hours prior to thing.....for the birds. I was STARVING two hours into it and I ate a lot all day!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Note(s) to self

  1. Just because it's March and WAAAAY far away from July does not mean you should blindly agree to go to work professional development that starts at 830. It will be painful.
  2. Getting up a few minutes before LM normally wakes you up WILL feel more painful and awful when it's the alarm going off.
  3. DO NOT consequently schedule early morning events (8am) on either side of this prof dev day...three days of getting up early to an alarm will not be a good thing.

Saturday, July 14, 2012


So I apologize for disappearing for awhile...we had an unfortunate incident with trying to switch our high speed internet and (though they swore it would be a seamless transition), we ended up internet-less for NINE days!!!! It was a wholly frustrating situation---with me calling technical support daily and wrangling/arguing/cajoling/subtly threatening customer service agents, tier 2 folks and finally supervisors. There were "problems" with our lines somewhere outside the house but no one seemed to be able to tell me why/what the problem was.....not the best situation with my hormones OUT.OF.CONTROL. But, finally, I got high enough up that I got someone to send out someone with a brain and got nearly a whole month's bill refunded.  AHHHH internet, I missed you.

Things have been pretty busy despite that---we visited family for the 4th of July (melted melted melted in the heat a parade) and have been busy with appt's etc.

Friday the 13th reared it's ugly head yesterday...I received a call saying I had failed my 1hr glucose test. I came back borderline (with a 131 at a 135 cutoff) so they're having me do the 3hr anyway. Not sure why really? Perhaps it was the slight mental breakdown I had at the appointment about how I swear I'm not big enough and she's not going to have enough room and come out with a crooked neck too (not even likely according to my OB). At the time, it earned me a u/s in two weeks at my next visit. But, I've also only gained around 17/18 lbs...coming in inconsistent bursts so perhaps that's what it is. I passed last time so I wasn't expecting it this time. I'm not looking forward to fasting for 12 hours and then sitting for 3hrs.

Especially next week---when we have LM's Pediatric Ophthalmology appt Monday morning, I have a work prof devel Tuesday morning, now the 3hr test Wednesday morning with LM's PT appt Wednesday afternoon and FINALLY a meeting with our personnel department to discuss our maternity/paternity leave on Thursday morning. It's shaping up to be a crazy week.

I'm looking forward to the PO and PT appts. I'm hoping that LM's eyes check out fine--it would be nice to eliminate it as a cause of the torticollis.  At our PT eval 3 weeks ago, we were given some exercises to work on and told that it seems like a really mild case that hopefully would clear up fairly easily. His neck was pretty straight the next week or so, so we were feeling hopeful. But--now his head is leaning to the left...and though TH swears it was that side before, I know it was leaning to the right. So, no idea. He is cutting 7 teeth right now and I've heard that the pressure can make it worse...but switch??

Anyway---the 13th--was capped off with getting a call that LM was throwing up at daycare yesterday (while we were out running errands etc). He spent the rest of the pm sleeping wrapped up in a towel on the floor, waking up only to throw up and then sleep some more.  Finally, around 7pm, he woke up, threw up, snuggled into my lap and said "all done all done" and hasn't thrown up since. We've gotten some fluids and crackers into him so hopefully we've turned the corner. He was Captain Fussy this morning so hopefully he'll feel better after the nap he's taking now...I think we'll try some soup for lunch.

So...that's where we are in all of the big things. We've got two more full weeks of summer vacation left....then back to the grind. Though, one of those weeks I'll need to be working in my room. Ugh. Where did the summer go??

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th!

To celebrate this year, we're headed to the IL's (2 hours away) so LM can watch the kick-butt parade their town has. I can only hope he'll love the 50+ fire/police/rescue vehicles that start off the parade. I know he'll love the elephants and motorcycles (not together of course!). I'm sure he'll enjoy dancing to the music of the floats. What I'm not sure about though, is whether he'll survive the whole two hours in the heat....because we're trapped there. Once the street is closed down, we're stuck where we're at and frankly, I can't handle the smell of the house we'll be outside it is!

Last year, I made a long introspective post about the freedoms that we women have gained over the years in the baby-making (natural, assisted, social or not at all) choices. I wish I was feeling that deep again this year. But, alas, I'm not.

If anything, I feel less independent this year. Knowing that soon we'll have two children and finances will be tight, I realize that life is about to change. There will be more restrictions on us and what we are free to do. I know that we still have these choices...that independence wasn't taken away....and that we chose to have another child (well, we chose to not prevent having one I guess). However, I feel a shift in our life from carefree to more "traditional". We'll be even more homebodies than we were this last year. We'll worry about money and the future more. We'll face new (to us) obstacles. We're entering a time in our lives where it truly will not be about us...that time will have to wait. The phrase "when the kids are older" has been popping up more in reference to when we'll do things or how to do things. This unknown territory is scary.

However, my goal this fourth of July is to again focus on bravery (as in "home of the brave") and less on the independence part of it all. I'll have to be brave(r) now...make scary choices, make sacrifices, be more trusting of myself, my children and those around me who want to "help". We'll see how it with any new frontier they'll be obstacles. And if my love of the game Oregon Trail has taught me, possibly snakebites, malaria and broken wagon wheels :-)

Happy Fourth!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Clothing Manufacturer:
I may not know who you are because the tag is on a well-work hand me down, but I'd like to share with a little something that might be important to the future success of your business. Snaps on pajamas are not for the 18month range. Sure, they were cute and easy for tiny little baby pajamas...yo know, for the kind of baby that doesn't really move much. But, my nearly 16 month old and snaps are a bad combination. We can barely get a pj zipper fully up.
So, for your future consideration---zippers. Not a million and one snaps on pajamas.
Thank you!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Downside

I'm not sure what it is this time around....maybe it's carrying a girl and there's too much female hormone in me or something super scientific like that. But, I just can't shake these mood swings...the highs are great but the lows are low.

We're supposed to be at a week long family reunion this week (my stepmom's side). It's been something my family has done every 3 years since I was six. TH went for the first time last time....and was a different kind of location than normal and really not that much fun I'll admit. Usually we go somewhere with a lake and everyone swims, cooks etc. This place was more of a "camp" with provided food (yummo).  Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled with the idea of going this time.

Especially when he found out where it would be...a small island way north in Michigan (that side planned it this time around). There's a multiple hour ferry ride to get to it and nothing to do there except beach and hike. With LM HATING cold water, detesting being hot (no a/c there), being a sand eater and me not being up to hiking.....I did the awful awful thing and told them we couldn't come. I'm just not up to the battle of chasing him around an un-babyproofed place with nothing to do. My family has some sailboats but that stuff freaks me out, let alone putting my baby on one. It just wasn't going to be a was going to be stressful. I probably would've stuck it out (I hate confrontations and disappointing my family) but I also couldn't face the idea of listening to The Hubs bitch and moan at me for a week (and all the months to follow).

It's heartbreaking for me to not be there right now....some pictures have shown up on FB. I feel awful and guilty and nauseous about it all.  I hate knowing that my family is disappointed...some of them have never met LM. And I know my dad and step-mom were really looking forward to having grandparent time (they live out of state). But, I caved. And it's making the low that I'm in right now feel even lower. I want to be there. I want to be having a great time....but I doubt I would be so I'm trying to console myself with that.

I also wish that I was following up more on being brave. What I should've done is say, we can't come but we'll come out and visit you this summer so you still have time with him (the rest of the family, oh well!). And I had intentions of doing it....but the logistics of planning it and actually doing it....I just put it off. And now it's July and with schedules, I don't see how we'll do it.

And i feel worse. Because it was manageable to do. Because I don't know why I shy away from being more go-to-it. I know how important it is for them to see him (and with us no longer having a guest room and money being tight for them with my dad's medical issues/sister leaving for out of state college) and I just never pull the trigger. They put up with it because they love me...but am I showing them the love back? Or am I just a selfish person. I find that I avoid a lot of things because I just really want to be cocooned up in our little family of three. I put off having people come over to hang out or going to people's house to hang out....because it's just easier to be here together. And that is def selfish. And I don't know why I do it. All these loving generous people in my life and I push people away...maybe it's because I know I can and they'll still love me (I guess that's family). I just feel awful not being there...and I guess my biggest fear is that while everyone says they understand....they really don't get it deep down and are hurt.

Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's the stress of all of the crooked neck stuff (I've kept that from all of my family). Maybe it's knowing that my life is about to be turned upside down and these last four weeks of summer are all I have to really enjoy mommy, daddy, LM time. Once school starts, it's a race to be ready whenever maternity leave strikes and stay healthy long enough to get ready. I need some motivation in life to do more and BE more to others. But, I don't know where it's at or how to get it.

Do you?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A Letter

Dear "neighbors",
I really don't care if you get fined for violating the fireworks ban.
I also don't care if you manage to burn down your house, car, yard etc with them.
However, if you wake my sleeping baby---you will have one angry, hormonal mama on your hands and your "fireworks" will be nothing compare to mine.