A little bit of fever...baby fever.
Four women in my
message board mommy group are pregnant already---some planned, some
surprised and one miracle. While I'm not ready for a baby yet....and
not even sure I want another....it makes me start to yearn for feeling
belly kicks, seeing ultrasound pictures and snuggly newborn days. I want
that joy and feeling of anticipation.
Though...not enough that I'm ready to "try".
Not
that we're preventing....but, last I checked, if you want to get
knocked up (without dr's of course!) you have to actually have sex. And,
because you love to know intimate details of my life, that happens oh
so infrequently. We're both not ready for another baby--so we should be
preventing, but I think that deep down we know it won't happen again
without help.
I go back and forth about whether we want
to even have another. I'm basically an only child (very large gap
between my half sister and myself and step-siblings that came around
during college) and I loved the experiences I got to have because it was
just me. I love being able to give him my undivided attention when I
come home from work....and I see how hard it is (from watching friends
and family) to give as much attention as needed to all little ones. I
know that love can't be quantified or measured, but it's how I feel
about it.
And then....well then there's the issue of
whether we should. We agreed to pursue medical intervention to have
LM. But, now that we have him, is it selfish of me to do it again to
have another? Should I just be happy to be blessed with my one baby when
so many people cannot? Do I agree to let it happen if it happens on its
own? What if after agreeing to that, it doesn't happen and I lose out?
Why
can't this one decision just be an "easy" one? Why can't it just be
about whether we want another monkey and when instead of IF?? Why can't
fertility not be an issue? Maybe my baby fever comes with a side of
jealousy....that these women in my group not only knew what they wanted,
but could also get it easily.
Maybe I'm scared to
make the decision about a baby....because if we decide to try again (on
our own or with help)...maybe this time, it won't work. And that pain
will be back.
Maybe I should just be happy with having the most amazing baby in the world. But how do I know?
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Plan B
Welcome ICLW'ers!!! Please read the Our Story section to find out who we are and where we've come from!! Currently, LM is just shy of six months old and I just returned to work. Life gets crazier every day! I'd love to have you follow us--and I'm always looking for new blogs to follow too!
I watch a lot of shows on HGTV. Not because I have any gardening/decorating/cooking/domestic skills at all...but because for some reason I get sucked into them...oh, and I don't have to pay too close of attention.
I especially like watching all of the home-buying ones---from House Hunters to Property Vir.gins--there's something about watching people make a huge important life decision that I can critique and sometimes mock (seriously, some of the people on those shows have some weird tastes/requirements that I just can't help mocking).
I started watching them when we were house hunting ourselves years ago. Like all things me, it was something I was slightly obsessive about and this show was a good outlet. At first, it was all about the houses and renovations etc. But over the last few years, I've noticed different things. For instance, there seems to be a high number of people who are married couples that have clearly been married awhile and are "just us two". They're always looking for a hip home or a new location that is exotic, urban etc...i.e. not children friendly. They definitely differ from those people who talk about which room would be the nursery or where the swingset could go.
Before the journey of TTC'ing, it wouldn't have occurred to me that there is a high chance that these couples can't have children. Before IF, I always assumed it was a choice. Now I know better.
These couples are pursuing their "plan b".
It got me thinking about what our "plan b" was. We never flat out said we would do "this" if we end up not having children. It was always phrased much more "squishily"...such as, "Well..living downtown doesn't really have big backyards" or "The schools there are kind of iffy". Apparently, our plan was to be those cool hip people who live downtown (as if we live somewhere with a cool downtown!) and eat out at neat cafes and know where all the hip stores are. We'd walk the dog around and hit all the cool festivals. **Note...we're not actually very hip people..I don't think we'd be very good at it if we tried**
It's easy to think about the "plan b" now...with LM talking away in the swing next to me, intermittently projectile spitting up his bottle and laughing. Before, I didn't even realize we had it. When your heart is focused on finding a way to have that precious baby..no matter what...it's impossible to really think about it. At least it was for me.
What about you? Do/did you have one? Is it something you can think about yet? Is yours as totally "not you" as ours really turned out to be?
I learned a lot from my "plan b". I learned that it was something that we were holding on to because if we couldn't have kids, surely it would be we could just be cooler and free-er with our time/social life. It wouldn't mean it was just the two of us (and the dog) sitting at home DVR'ing Hell's Kitchen and House Hunters. It didn't fit who we really are. What would we have done in reality?? No idea. But, I hope that we would've thought about what was really important to us and headed down that road instead of trying to fit the stereotype of childless people.
Who knows? Maybe you would've seen us buying an awesome place on an island on HH International. We would've been the rational, reasonable about our budget limitations and easy-going ones :-) Suuure.
I hope you never have to use your "plan b"...but if you do--I hope it rocks your socks off.
I watch a lot of shows on HGTV. Not because I have any gardening/decorating/cooking/domestic skills at all...but because for some reason I get sucked into them...oh, and I don't have to pay too close of attention.
I especially like watching all of the home-buying ones---from House Hunters to Property Vir.gins--there's something about watching people make a huge important life decision that I can critique and sometimes mock (seriously, some of the people on those shows have some weird tastes/requirements that I just can't help mocking).
I started watching them when we were house hunting ourselves years ago. Like all things me, it was something I was slightly obsessive about and this show was a good outlet. At first, it was all about the houses and renovations etc. But over the last few years, I've noticed different things. For instance, there seems to be a high number of people who are married couples that have clearly been married awhile and are "just us two". They're always looking for a hip home or a new location that is exotic, urban etc...i.e. not children friendly. They definitely differ from those people who talk about which room would be the nursery or where the swingset could go.
Before the journey of TTC'ing, it wouldn't have occurred to me that there is a high chance that these couples can't have children. Before IF, I always assumed it was a choice. Now I know better.
These couples are pursuing their "plan b".
It got me thinking about what our "plan b" was. We never flat out said we would do "this" if we end up not having children. It was always phrased much more "squishily"...such as, "Well..living downtown doesn't really have big backyards" or "The schools there are kind of iffy". Apparently, our plan was to be those cool hip people who live downtown (as if we live somewhere with a cool downtown!) and eat out at neat cafes and know where all the hip stores are. We'd walk the dog around and hit all the cool festivals. **Note...we're not actually very hip people..I don't think we'd be very good at it if we tried**
It's easy to think about the "plan b" now...with LM talking away in the swing next to me, intermittently projectile spitting up his bottle and laughing. Before, I didn't even realize we had it. When your heart is focused on finding a way to have that precious baby..no matter what...it's impossible to really think about it. At least it was for me.
What about you? Do/did you have one? Is it something you can think about yet? Is yours as totally "not you" as ours really turned out to be?
I learned a lot from my "plan b". I learned that it was something that we were holding on to because if we couldn't have kids, surely it would be we could just be cooler and free-er with our time/social life. It wouldn't mean it was just the two of us (and the dog) sitting at home DVR'ing Hell's Kitchen and House Hunters. It didn't fit who we really are. What would we have done in reality?? No idea. But, I hope that we would've thought about what was really important to us and headed down that road instead of trying to fit the stereotype of childless people.
Who knows? Maybe you would've seen us buying an awesome place on an island on HH International. We would've been the rational, reasonable about our budget limitations and easy-going ones :-) Suuure.
I hope you never have to use your "plan b"...but if you do--I hope it rocks your socks off.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Perspective
I was running around during LM's power nap (not sure what else to call the consistently 30min naps) trying to accomplish the ever-growing list of things I needed to cross off my to-do list, when I popped my head into the dining room where he was sleeping in the PNP (yes, it's in the dining room). Suddenly, I got that overwhelming swell of emotion that was 'oh so familiar' during those first few postpartum weeks. I realized that amidst the chaos and sleep deprivation, the sore b.oobs and flab in weird places, the constant second guessing of every decision and frustrations---I have a beautiful little boy. That--get this--it appears they're going to let me keep him! All of the struggles to get him seem far away most days---there's just too much going on to dwell. But--when I stop and marvel at him, I realize how blessed I am. And how easily our fate could've been many more years of struggle and loss. I appreciate my LM more than ever because of this.
I need to force myself to stop and marvel at him daily---not just because of how lucky we are---but because of how fast he's changing. The chubby rolls in his arms and legs, how long his fingers are getting and how he lights up when he sees me....it's all going to disappear so fast. He's such a tiny little guy (well, not so tiny anymore) and yet, he can turn me into a pile of mush in no time flat.
It brings tears to my eyes to think about how this time last year, I didn't even know he existed and now he's the center of my world. I want everyone to be able to feel this---it's not fair that it doesn't work out this way. The good people of this world deserve to be rewarded for the love they want to shower and the wonderful children they want to raise. There are so many people out there not committed to loving their little ones enough (I see it too much as a teacher). I wish I could share the love with all of you.
I need to force myself to stop and marvel at him daily---not just because of how lucky we are---but because of how fast he's changing. The chubby rolls in his arms and legs, how long his fingers are getting and how he lights up when he sees me....it's all going to disappear so fast. He's such a tiny little guy (well, not so tiny anymore) and yet, he can turn me into a pile of mush in no time flat.
It brings tears to my eyes to think about how this time last year, I didn't even know he existed and now he's the center of my world. I want everyone to be able to feel this---it's not fair that it doesn't work out this way. The good people of this world deserve to be rewarded for the love they want to shower and the wonderful children they want to raise. There are so many people out there not committed to loving their little ones enough (I see it too much as a teacher). I wish I could share the love with all of you.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Shirt
Today I was finally checking an item off my ever-growing, rarely shrinking To-Do list....cleaning out my closet. As part of the daily battle of what to wear, what fits (or rather what doesn't) and what makes me feel the least icky, my side of the closet has been resembling more of a clothing explosion than a closet.
In reality, it was more of a mass picking up off the floor, hanging up and folding than a cleaning. I have already taken all of my maternity clothes out and piled them on the guest bed to someday box up. Last summer (the week LM was conceived ironically), I went through and got rid of all of the clothes I don't wear, don't like or were too big (I had just managed to lose some weight and didn't think I'd need the bigger clothes...haha). So, really it was more about organization than anything else.
I'm getting to the point, I promise.
As I straightened, arranged and dusted off (oh, my lovely high heels...I have missed you so!) all my shoes, I came across a crumpled white shirt. I picked it up, shook it out and realized why it was down in the corner all smushed. When TH and I decided that we were ready to have a baby and tossed out the BCP, I had such high (naive) hopes. In fact, on a shopping trip shortly after we started trying, I bought a new, white button down dressy shirt for work. It had cute little cap sleeves but a cut that would camouflage a growing bump at first and accommodate a bigger bump one day. I was naive.
Fast-forward to last summer, fresh off a failed Clomid cycle and I'm purging my closet. I come across this shirt (never worn, tags still attached) and see it as a physical embodiment of my failure to do what my body is supposed to naturally do. It was so frustrating to think back to those years I thought it would happen so easily. So, I did what every well-adjusted adult does when frustrated....I balled it up and hurled it in the corner of my closet.
I never got a chance to wear this magical baby bump accentuating shirt. I forgot all about it until today when I found it. I took the tags off, tossed it in the laundry basket and when work starts in August...I will wear it. And I will remember that sometimes, life has its own plan for me.
And, that I should shop accordingly.
In reality, it was more of a mass picking up off the floor, hanging up and folding than a cleaning. I have already taken all of my maternity clothes out and piled them on the guest bed to someday box up. Last summer (the week LM was conceived ironically), I went through and got rid of all of the clothes I don't wear, don't like or were too big (I had just managed to lose some weight and didn't think I'd need the bigger clothes...haha). So, really it was more about organization than anything else.
I'm getting to the point, I promise.
As I straightened, arranged and dusted off (oh, my lovely high heels...I have missed you so!) all my shoes, I came across a crumpled white shirt. I picked it up, shook it out and realized why it was down in the corner all smushed. When TH and I decided that we were ready to have a baby and tossed out the BCP, I had such high (naive) hopes. In fact, on a shopping trip shortly after we started trying, I bought a new, white button down dressy shirt for work. It had cute little cap sleeves but a cut that would camouflage a growing bump at first and accommodate a bigger bump one day. I was naive.
Fast-forward to last summer, fresh off a failed Clomid cycle and I'm purging my closet. I come across this shirt (never worn, tags still attached) and see it as a physical embodiment of my failure to do what my body is supposed to naturally do. It was so frustrating to think back to those years I thought it would happen so easily. So, I did what every well-adjusted adult does when frustrated....I balled it up and hurled it in the corner of my closet.
I never got a chance to wear this magical baby bump accentuating shirt. I forgot all about it until today when I found it. I took the tags off, tossed it in the laundry basket and when work starts in August...I will wear it. And I will remember that sometimes, life has its own plan for me.
And, that I should shop accordingly.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Heaven
Heaven is sitting on the deck with LM asleep in the k'tan, all snuggled up on me.
This time last year, I was crushed by doubt about my ability to get pregnant. Days like today are a reminder that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one who psychs myself out. I need to believe that nothing in my life is insurmountable. It may not turn out like I imagined...but I can guide my life to happiness....regardless of how different it may look from what I imagined.
Heck...if everything turned out like I "planned", I'd be married to my eighth grade boyfriend and be a lawyer....yikes!
To quote, "god bless the broken road"...
This time last year, I was crushed by doubt about my ability to get pregnant. Days like today are a reminder that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one who psychs myself out. I need to believe that nothing in my life is insurmountable. It may not turn out like I imagined...but I can guide my life to happiness....regardless of how different it may look from what I imagined.
Heck...if everything turned out like I "planned", I'd be married to my eighth grade boyfriend and be a lawyer....yikes!
To quote, "god bless the broken road"...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
It's amazing....
that people used to have babies before the internet. AND raise them to be mostly functioning members of society!!
Now, we visit message boards, blogs and websites to gain insight, facts and learn from other's screw-ups. We consult Dr. Google before/after/instead of a medical doctor. We shamelessly live vicariously through the blogs we follow.
When we were TTC, the internet taught me about my fertility, led me to blogs, gave me statistics and guided me to Fertil.ity Fr.iend where I charted away, while joining in on all of the message board action that included analyzing each other's pee sticks (OPK, Pregnancy etc), discussing symptoms (both real and imaginary!) and propping each other up when another cycle failed. While I spent time on many a message board site, this one remained my favorite--if not for the information but for the lack of snarkiness that is so abundant on many sites.
Once we became pregnant, the internet advised me on beta numbers, pregnancy symptoms, nutrition and what to expect. I researched everything I needed for a baby and learned to adjust my expectations by reading reviews. It gave me my Due Date board...where we supported each other through losses, scares and the sharing of waaayy too much personal/bodily information :-) The reactions of these ladies to the birth of LM were more excited than some of my family! In fact, they knew my water had broken before TH...as I chose to let him sleep while I analyzed with them about whether the *pop* I heard meant that those small gushes in fact meant that LM was on the way.
Now that LM is here, the internet still connects me with these ladies--except now we share baby questions, sleep deprivation woes and ask/give advice about the "unique" things our babies do that freak us out. Between Dr. Google and them, I usually have my baby questions answered long before I have to call the pediatrician. The internet gives me a way to share pictures and videos with my family all over the country. And it gives me a way to blog my life with LM.
I know that babies were born before the internet...and raised....but man, I'm glad I didn't live during those times!
Now, we visit message boards, blogs and websites to gain insight, facts and learn from other's screw-ups. We consult Dr. Google before/after/instead of a medical doctor. We shamelessly live vicariously through the blogs we follow.
When we were TTC, the internet taught me about my fertility, led me to blogs, gave me statistics and guided me to Fertil.ity Fr.iend where I charted away, while joining in on all of the message board action that included analyzing each other's pee sticks (OPK, Pregnancy etc), discussing symptoms (both real and imaginary!) and propping each other up when another cycle failed. While I spent time on many a message board site, this one remained my favorite--if not for the information but for the lack of snarkiness that is so abundant on many sites.
Once we became pregnant, the internet advised me on beta numbers, pregnancy symptoms, nutrition and what to expect. I researched everything I needed for a baby and learned to adjust my expectations by reading reviews. It gave me my Due Date board...where we supported each other through losses, scares and the sharing of waaayy too much personal/bodily information :-) The reactions of these ladies to the birth of LM were more excited than some of my family! In fact, they knew my water had broken before TH...as I chose to let him sleep while I analyzed with them about whether the *pop* I heard meant that those small gushes in fact meant that LM was on the way.
Now that LM is here, the internet still connects me with these ladies--except now we share baby questions, sleep deprivation woes and ask/give advice about the "unique" things our babies do that freak us out. Between Dr. Google and them, I usually have my baby questions answered long before I have to call the pediatrician. The internet gives me a way to share pictures and videos with my family all over the country. And it gives me a way to blog my life with LM.
I know that babies were born before the internet...and raised....but man, I'm glad I didn't live during those times!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!
Today is my first Mother's Day. This time last year, I was about to end another super long (50+ days) cycle with another BFN. We were about to start our first round of Clomid. And we were a little over a month away from getting pregnant. But, at that time, I was feeling the crushing weight of fear---fear that it would never happen. I spent last Mother's Day sure that I would never get to experience the joy of being a mother. I was becoming more and more convinced it would never happen. I read the blogs of others who were suffering on this day and felt the pain exactly--no matter how long your journey has been, this day is a hard one. It was on Mother's Day last year that I realized I no longer thought about "when we get pregnant" but "if we get pregnant". It was a humbling and heart-wrenching day.
A year later and the world is totally different. LM is truly the center our of universe now. We spent an amazing day at a state park--picnic, hiking and family time. LM got me a gorgeous bracelet and flowers. AND--he slept for six hours straight Saturday night! TH made sure that the day was perfect--even doing some of the household chores and making sure that LM got all the credit for the day (quite an accomplishment for a nine week old!)
I'm not sure what I've done to earn a life this wonderful. Even last year when I would imagine what it "might" be like if I ever achieved motherhood...it was never this special. While the day was perfect, the best part was seeing my LM smile and coo at the sight of me and seeing him snuggle with his daddy. Amazing how so much changes in a year.
A year later and the world is totally different. LM is truly the center our of universe now. We spent an amazing day at a state park--picnic, hiking and family time. LM got me a gorgeous bracelet and flowers. AND--he slept for six hours straight Saturday night! TH made sure that the day was perfect--even doing some of the household chores and making sure that LM got all the credit for the day (quite an accomplishment for a nine week old!)
I'm not sure what I've done to earn a life this wonderful. Even last year when I would imagine what it "might" be like if I ever achieved motherhood...it was never this special. While the day was perfect, the best part was seeing my LM smile and coo at the sight of me and seeing him snuggle with his daddy. Amazing how so much changes in a year.
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