Sunday, January 20, 2013


The last few weeks have been full of transitions....back to work, back to daycare, new routines, new struggles.

Work has been hard--my kiddos learned a lot of bad habits while I was gone and I've got some pretty severe behavior problems to fix.  On top of being behind curriculum and's been hard to play catch-up.  I also found out that one of my co-workers has breast cancer. has been a lot of work.  I'm exhausted by the time I get home....from working all day long after a night of interrupted sleep (she's up at least once a night).

LM is struggling in daycare.  It's been hard for him to get back into the routine of daycare...especially with having to share her with his baby.  He's been aggressive again..hitting, scratching, kicking.  And, not listening...a lot.  He was struggling with napping (she was trying to get him to lay on a mat for naptime so PS could use the pnp--not that she naps in it anyway!) and we had one horrible blow-up day last week where she spanked him (apparently it was a swat more than anything) but it got pretty ugly between us.  We have arrived at an ok place right now but this is my final incident with her. If anything else comes up, I'm done.  I know she's really frustrated with his behavior...but he's not even two yet and just doesn't get it yet.  He will learn and he will get it..but it will take time. Sometimes I think his verbal skills make people (us included) assume that he understands/processes more than he can.  I'm hoping that he'll get into the routine again and be ok.  But, I'm looking into new places just in case.  Beyond that, he's doing great--singing, dancing, talking up a storm! I can't believe he's almost two!!!

PS added to the stress of the week by having a new breakout of hives that got progressively worse as the week went on.  So, to throw a big transition in---I'm stopped breastfeeding entirely.  Obviously, there is more that she's allergic to and I can't eliminate everything from my diet. I also couldn't continue to deal emotionally with the idea that I'm hurting her with what I eat...without knowing.  So, I ended that chapter of my life.  It's been highly emotional for me (not to mention painful as the not feeding engorgement set in) but I'm trying to make the best out of it.  I know that it'll be better for her to have a controlled diet that we can help her feel better with.  Today I'm having a glass of wine without having to time it around feeds and see the positive in it. We ended up at the pediatrician's office on Friday to have her looked at.  She confirmed that it's not a contact rash but a classic "food" related rash. She wants us to go back to the hypoallergenic formula (as you remember--she hated it the first time and REFUSED to drink anything out of a bottle for awhile so we went for soy to see if she'd take it).  She wasn't sure if it was a reaction to the soy that had been building in her system or something else (corn maybe?).  We're weaning her off the soy by mixing the two formulas until she'll take the hypo one.  She's been doing okay with it so far.  Of course, I'm sure I just jinxed us! We go back to the pedi allergist in June unless she continues with hives after being on the hypo formula full time for awhile.  We also have steroid cream for her body and a liquid for her head (yup--it's there too) to get the hives/rash to go away before it harms her skin---it's seriously bad looking folks.  I'm hoping that once we get it cleared and on the new formula, it'll make a difference in how she feels.  What I'm not looking forward to though, is the cost of it.  Retail, we're looking at 35$ every 5 days...and she only takes 4oz bottles right now.  When I'm done with this, I'm going to be doing some research on buying through Ebay, CL etc.

It's been a lot lately. I feel like I'm unraveling emotionally...but just don't have time to actually do it.  I'm sub-par at a lot of things...and great at nothing.  I just want to be good at something...I don't need great yet.  Oh, and I'd like someone to come wash my bottles every night :-)

Monday, January 7, 2013


As I sit here hopping myself up on coffee (415 feeding with a 515 alarm clock after tossing and turns from nerves until midnight requires extra reserves) and watching PS and LM sleep as the monitor scans between their two rooms, I am amazed that they are mine. Somehow, my less than perfect self managed to grow two little people who despite looking crazy alike, are little individuals with personalities (even at PS's young age) that are astounding.

I've done a lot of "ehh" things in life to be rewarded with such wonderful beings. I'm heartsick at what I'm going to miss while I'm at work. I have no idea why it is so much harder this time--theories abound from going back to work mid-year vs the start and knowing exactly how fast they change/how much I'll miss this time. And I suppose this is true--I push myself to be great at work and I know that I need to just accept good for the rest of this year. With LM, I was in denial about what I'd miss--and while he was super helpful at not doing any big milestones at daycare--I didn't realize how fleeting time was.  Everyday now, he says something new and amazing....he's making connections about the world around him and wiggling his little tush at commercial music in a way that makes my heart pitter patter. PS grows (physically and personality-wise) every day...her sweet smile melts my heart. I just know that I'll miss her first giggles...we're so close.  I wish I could stay home with them...but at the same time I know that I'd be an awful SAHM. Those who do it wonderfully rock...I'd be so bad at it!!

It's so hard to strike a balance in life. But, for now, I'll just enjoy my coffee and babies.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


That's what I'm back to tomorrow. I cannot believe it's been three months since I went on maternity leave. I'm not sure that there wasn't some bizarre sleeping beauty spell that happened because there is no way it's almost January 7th and I have a 22mo old and a 3mo old by weeks end.

Not F'in possible.

I'm sad to leave them. Scared too. We don't have PS's feeding issues all worked out yet. I'm walking into a storm of undisciplined students who apparently from what I saw of my room, have learned little while I was gone. I have so many personal inadequacy fears (mom and teacher, don't forget wife too!) that I feel like a failure already because I won't be able to be great at anything...just ok at many things.

My heart is sad. I just want to snuggle with them both all night.