Unraveling around the edges

It's been rough here lately....LM isn't sleeping well for reasons unknown, TH and I are arguing about a family reunion, my lack of energy aka desire to do anything domestic and various other things, work is super stressful with end of the year assessments and a class that honestly, has exhausted my spirit this year. I feel at the edge of something...something not good. Between the hormones and the stress, I'm a crying mess lately. I just feel like I'm unraveling.

And then, I missed my blogiversary. Because I thought that Blogger notified you/reminded you/sent a singing telegram or something. And it just crushed me. All the reminders about how last spring I felt hope as a parent, had time to blog and just in general didn't feel like my life was running away from....thinking back to where I was a year ago and how I feel now...it was just too much. I had been looking forward to the date and reflecting...and then I missed it. And then I reflected anyway...and I'm sad about things.

I can't seem to figure out how to balance motherhood/wifehood/selfhood. I try to be a good mother and i end up neglecting work or not making a dinner that a college freshman couldn't whip up. I try to focus more at work and take on more...and I drop the ball because I'm too tired. I try to be a better wife and work harder and making homemade meals, not forgetting to take the laundry out of the dryer, not wearing ratty pjs every night etc etc...and then he says something (inadvertent/intentional or not) and it strips all my confidence away and my desire to try.

I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well consistently in about a year and a half. With the added pregnancy brain and exhaustion....it's bad. Just really bad. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and find clothes that match (and fit). I feel my brain sitting there all wrung out and dried up and I have no idea what to do about it. I cried and cried the other night while laying on the floor of LM's room, letting him rub on my hand while he tried to get back to sleep (which he was up for no reason whatsoever that I could tell)...I just felt like such a failure. Why can I not figure out what he needs to sleep better? Why am I still fighting this at this age? NO ONE talks about babies who don't STTN at almost 14 months. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't....we're going on vacation with family soon and I'm already feeling mortified that he sleeps so badly...when it seems to come so easily to others. And TH...he tries to be understanding (and he does get it when LM is sick or teething or has had an off nap day etc) but the battle over him waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night (or an hour after he goes down OR at 430 in the morning----you get my point) is getting old. His answer when I'm upset and feeling useless about it is that surely there's solutions out there and I must not be reading/researching it enough......UM first off, I have and I've tried things. But there's no real manual. AND 2nd---when do I have time to do all this reading? I barely can keep up with my blog,  FB and DD group (both, though I'm iffy on the October one...drama mamas it seems). And when I tell him it makes me feel  inadequate or like a bad mom...he reacts like a guy and not with the reassurance I need. And I've asked for it...but it seems false then.

I just feel like a bad mom for not being "better". My brain is all I have...I'm not coordinated, I'm not a jock, I'm not artistic or a good cook, I don't make things/sew/create....I'm just the smart person. That's been my role as long as I can remember. I'm the one you want on your trivia team. But now...with the exhaustion and emotion....the baby raising and baby growing...my brain is betraying me and I'm not the smart one anymore. I'm sluggish and I forget things. And it eats at my confidence more.

I have no idea how we're going to manage two babies. No idea. I feel like it's just not possible...I'm not good enough at one....let along two. I'm just unraveling and I need this feeling to stop.

Smack.

That's what I want to do to my husband's head. He frustrates me and pisses me off. And....he's a good husband and dad. He does great things for me and helps me out a lot.

But he also frustrates the hell out of me. It's like he just doesn't get that I'm at the end of my rope with work and LM and not sleeping well for over a year. I know people have it a lot worse...but I'm just done. Done. Done. Done. And I need him to understand that. I don't need him to do more....I just need him to make me feel like he gets that I'm working hard.

I'm hard on myself. I find faults in everything that I do and I know that I'm not the best cook/cleaner/organizer and I know that I could try better and do better.....but I just need him to simply tell me that he appreciates what I do do.

So...since I've asked and asked for him to just give me some praise, a compliment here and there or heck, even a high five and it hasn't happened....I'm just going to hope that tomorrow brings about some gushy romantic sentiments that resemble what I need to hear. Or the stress of it all is just going to crack me.

Oops.

Somewhere in the midst of all that is tired and holy (ICLW week came at a bad week for m!!) I missed my 100th blog post. Oops!

So much for my resolution to pay more attention to details! Thank you for all of you who have spent these last few months "listening" to me, advising me, commiserating with me and, more than likely, taking bets on how screwed up my kid will be :-) I couldn't have survived it without you. If you're new around here--I hope you're around for #200.

The last few days have been rough around here (TUESDAY!! It's really only Tuesday!!). LM's sleep pattern has gone all random on me. He's going down at a consistent time and getting up at one too...but in between, it's some mind-obliterating randomness of getting up between 0 and 2 times a night to eat. Don't hate on the zero though...it's rare and happened like twice but I cling to it as hope that there is a higher power. I just need some order to it all. I need a pattern. My body can't handle not knowing how many times it's getting up a night...I just need to adjust/adapt/survive. The worst is the 415 feeding...when I crawl back into bed around 430, knowing my alarm is going off in 45 minutes. UGH.

Then, there's work. The beginning of the year is rough rough rough...my 24 4,5 & 6 year olds are kicking my butt this year. Maybe it's the group or maybe it's that I haven't taught since February (and let's be honest...those last few weeks were autopilot, while I tried to stay off my Spongebob Squarefeet). All I know is that I feel my energy drain as the day goes on...and it makes me cranky. And I'm taking it on them. I just builds and builds all day and it's so frustrating by the end of the day. I know it gets better...I've just never had to survive this rough patch while so tired.

Then there's TH. We're both exhausted from school so we snap at each other. I just want to play with LM when I get home so I always want to put off dinner. Then, it turns into the "you never cook" argument and goes from there. He also seems to have ZERO sense of radar when it comes to anything remotely involving anything that may or may not result in having to pretend that I want to DTD. Because I don't. I'm tired. It still hurts because I'm still nursing some. AND..I'll say it again..I'm tired. I realize that it's not 100% fair to him so I try to accommodate but it just worsens my mood.

Can you tell I've had a bad day? Because it sucked. Big time. From greasy hair (boo new hair product) to losing my favorite student to not accomplishing anything before school because I.COULD.NOT.GET.A.PARENT.OFF.THE.PHONE to just in general feeling like I can't accomplish anything these days. Oh--and did I mention I found the jumpdrive I was looking for...in the dryer. After I washed it. Yep.

I promise I'm not usually this cranky, complainy etc. I have an amazing life--an awesome baby (even if he didn't nap at all at daycare today so I'm planning on him not sleeping well tonight) and a great husband (who really puts up with a lot of my neurosis), my dream job. But--sometimes...sometimes it all just feels like too much.

I'm a pusher...I push myself to be the best at things. And that doesn't work as a mom. I'm learning that and I'm trying to accept it. But, I'm bad at relinquishing responsibility at work and I won't spend less time with LM...so...I'm at an impasse.

A cranky one.

Tomorrow will be better. It's hump day.

Totally not a top chef...

I'm so tired of TH and his opinion of my cooking (or lack thereof). This isn't a new issue....because I've never been a good cook. Well...I guess I've never been an elaborate cook. Growing up just my mom and me, dinners were simple. Add into that one super picky eater (me) and the result is not someone who is a culinary goddess.

The issue rears its head from time to time but for the most part, TH seems to be okay with it. Dinners aren't exciting and I certainly let him have input (especially if it involves frozen pizza or grilling--his specialties). Tensions have arises lately as it seems like LM always is ready to eat mid-way through dinner preparation or in the middle of the decision process--frustrating TH and usually involving him starting/cooking.

But--it's really come to a head this week as we are heading out this weekend with his sister/husband/three kids to spend a week in a cabin. She and I decided on some dinners (a mix of easy preps and grilling) and I told her to just give me a list of what she wants us to bring. She knows I'm not the big chef she is (she loves cooking). I'll gladly do whatever she wants...I know it's not my strong suit. However, she wants us to be in charge of two of the four breakfasts. Not a big deal. We're basically coffee and occasional bagel breakfast people and they're eggs/bacon/potatoes/toast people. Luckily, I'm not a complete fool and I do know how to make things like that---I thought french toast and a strata. When I shared my plan with TH, he immediately went off about why we need to cater to their breakfast tastes when we'll barely eat it. I told him that while I understand what he's saying, if we show up with the bagels and canned cinnamon rolls like he suggested (and I'd be perfectly happy eating....yummy cinnamon rolls!)--then what happens is that I look bad as a "cook". It looks like that I'm not capable of doing more, instead of the meal being more indicative of what I'd rather eat for breakfast. I don't want to further sink they're idea of my culinary prowess. I CAN make hot breakfast things...I just don't usually because the two of us don't eat that way.

WELL. That opened a can of worms. He starts going off about how I'm trying to put on a front/show and why would I cook for them when I don't cook for him and on and on. I think it's more about rising to the expectations of the situation. My SIL/BIL and their three LO's aren't used to eating small breakfasts and if I agree to be in charge of one...well...then there are expectations. TH disagrees and somehow we're in this big "thing" about how I'm a bad cook.

Again---NOT A NEW REVELATION. It just only seems to come up when he has an issue with it.  Frustrating beyond belief. I know the issue is partially with me. I used to have confidence in the few things that I liked eating/cooking.  But, his reaction to my other abilities, these meals and my inability to do other things has slowly eroded my self-confidence in cooking. When I do want to try something new, I doubt myself (and see this doubt in his reaction to my ideas).  I know I should try to get over this and do it anyway...but I can't seem to.  I know this won't help me get better...and won't help the domestic issue. But, it's my hang-up...and I resent him for making me feel this way and so I don't put the effort into changing. Grr.

I don't even like to cook.
And I didn't want to go on this vacation anyway....LM still struggles with sleeping and gets overstimulated by his cousins so easily.

(I totally get that a lot of this issue is solvable.....I just am stubborn and sick of it).

It's like I have it out for myself... (ICLW June)

Welcome June ICLW'ers! For a quick recap--I am a first time mom with a 3.5 month old little boy (my Little Monkey!).  This blog is where I share the milestones, frustrations and random musings that come from my sleep-addled brain! Please check out my tabs for more info! I'm so glad you're here! I'd love to have more followers!

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided to listen to TH about LM and his sleep.  Now, he is a fabulous father and I love that he does crazy love LM things--like sleep on the floor of his room next to the crib because they're "camping out". But, the man hasn't researched a damn thing since the pregnancy mood swings :-) So, a lot of the decisions we make involve me sharing with him the research I've gathered from books, blogs, message boards and various websites (I have a lot of time on my hands in the middle of the night!). Then, we discuss the options and arrive at a decision---usually the one I would've picked all on my own, but hey! we're a team here.

Now, this is all well and good...up to this point. TH decided that he was going to chime in his thoughts about LM and being swaddled. You know, that fabulous burrito baby look that saves my sanity by getting LM to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time? LM is beginning to become more wiggly (like that time he rolled over) and has been busting out of ALL of his swaddle blankets. He also is getting too big for his H.alo SwaddleSack.  So, TH suggested that perhaps it was time to transition out of swaddling--both at night and naps.

I really appreciated his proactive interest and it did seem logical at the time (it was early in the morning, I'll admit). So, we tried a couple of naps without being swaddled. It wasn't perfect but with just a few paci replacements, we made it to the 30-45 minutes we usually get out of the average nap.  We even *gasp* got one 1.5 hour nap--though it was after he was down for only 10min on the previous nap. So--Sunday night, being Father's Day and all, I agreed to try a night without the swaddle.  It took him awhile to settle and his sleep was restless, but it didn't suck totally. He woke up for his middle of the night feed early....and then added another one around 5. But, I figured that it was all the result of restless sleep and a big change. So, I tried it again last night.

I'll pause while you all chuckle to yourselves for what you know is coming.

Let me tell you....what an awful night. He was up so many times just fussing and cranking. I shushed, I patted and replaced the paci.  Everytime I fell back asleep, it started up again. AND of course, the time I finally sent TH in to do it...LM was hungry and I had to get up anyway.  Being exhausted, I broke the cardinal rule of trying something new....I gave up. I gave up and swaddled his cute little self up.....and got four hours of sleep in a row.

I know I probably should've tried it for more nights...I hate giving up.  But, I just couldn't take being exhausted. I knew in my heart that it was too early to give up the swaddle. He still startles himself when he's sleeping that way.  What good is reading, observing and learning about LM and his cues if I'm just going to ignore them for the sake of domestic teamwork? We need to wait longer and now we know. Perhaps we'll try again when he's four months or maybe focus on mastering no swaddling during naps first.

I'll take it as a learning experience....a tiresome one....and next time, I'll make TH back up his ideas with research :-)

I am not a dog...

And thus cannot be trained---contrary to popular belief (or at least my SIL's belief).

I'll preface this by saying, I could be totally being oversensitive with this...but, it's my blog :-)

My SIL has children...sweet, fairly normal children. Of both sexes and of various ages. She's not totally removed from the world of little ones. She loves to offer to give advice (and she does give great hand me downs!) but she doesn't actually give the advice. She just makes comments and pats herself on the back.

Just yesterday, I heard about how her children don't give overstimulated, go to bed by seven and basically just rock (well...that last one is true...I do love them!). But, then she made a comment about how LM has me trained! TRAINED--like I'm a dog. 

First of all---I really don't think a 3 month old is capable of purposeful manipulation to get what he wants. I do believe that he is beginning--BEGINNING--to make cause/effect relationships between things. But, I don't think that his current inability to nap longer than 20 minutes anywhere but on one of us/in the carrier is because he has figured out that he can train us to do this. I lay him down in his crib or PNP for probably 75% of his naps. You all know that naps something we've been struggling with...awake time and all.  He falls right asleep...he just wakes up after 20 min or so, happy as a clam.  He'll do this consistently during the day..unless he's napping on us. He used to even nap well in his swing...but now he doesn't. This is not him training us...this is just something we're going through at the moment.

I don't think this is all that odd considering he couldn't sleep flat on his back without choking etc for the first two months. He's only recently been sleeping flat on his back AND in his crib. I think we've made A LOT of progress in the last month. We're down to waking to eat once a night, we're slowly going to bed earlier and waking up at a consistent time (consistently early!).

I also think that pretty soon he's going to be moving and grooving and not want to snuggle as much...I want to enjoy these naps. In fact, it's something several other moms have told me that they miss! I'm conscious of the fact that in two months he starts daycare and we've got to make some progress in napping. BUT we've got 2 months. I'm not going to miss out on something special with my LM (or make TH miss out on this special time) because I'm worried HE won't be "trained" in time. I'm going to keep working on developing a smooth routine and that's that.

I know that everyone loves to give unsolicited advice---some useful, some hopelessly outdated--but what really grates on me is comments that are meant to show your superiority as a mother. This is not mommy wars...this is not a competition.  This is my baby and he's going to be different because he's MINE (ok..OURS).

I would love for my SIL to give me advice and help me figure out my problems/struggles...but it seems that all I get are comments that make her feel better about being a mom and make me feel worse. 

And for the record...LM took an hour and a half nap in his PNP today--which last time I checked, isn't sleeping on me...so clearly we're working through a phase.

Trained my a**.

Two's company...three's a crowd??

Though LM was long wanted and awaited...and we were prepared to take much more extensive measures to get him (thank you Clomid!)...it sometimes feels like adjusting to be a family of three is full of growing pains. 

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but I've been home since late February (bedrest) and don't go back to work until August (I'm a teacher!). I absolutely adore being home with LM...it's something that I know I'll never get to do again.  I'm sure the timing with the next LO won't be as conducive.  We have a good time at home---we play, snuggle, talk etc.  The bonding is stronger than I thought. TH is a teacher too and while he was home with us for a few weeks, he's back to work now. I know how much he misses being able to be with him and see all of the little milestones. I try to keep him up to date with pictures and videos sent to him during the day.  But--I know he feels like he's missing out. And..honestly...he is.  But, I'm grateful that we could afford for me to be here with him and not having him in daycare yet.

Despite both TH and I being totally cognizant of this fact...the cracks are starting to show. I'm starting to resent how early he goes to bed at night..yeah, I'm tired too buddy. Try getting up in the middle of the night, rushing around getting stuff done around the house when LM takes his catnaps etc. I know you're going to work...but I'm not just sitting around on my a** here (okay, sometimes I do but when Grey's is on the DVR, I can't help it!). I haven't been out by myself for a "me thing" in over a month...and that was for a haircut and I came riiiiiight home.  So when it's early in the morning and I'm exhausted and TH decides to cop an attitude with me about the fact that I don't want him to go out with co-workers tonight and how he didn't go out last week so I should feel guilty for not letting him....GRRR.  I don't think he gets that even if he's awake for just a little bit when he's home...it's a break for me for him to hold/snuggle with LM and I like getting to see him. I don't think I'm asking all that much.

It feels like I'm being a mom all of the time and he still gets to be "just a husband" sometimes and do those things that we used to do when it was just the two of us. I know he loves me and adores LM...he's a great dad. But it's hard.
Does this get easier?