A Different Perspective

As I sat in the waiting room at the OB's office for the 3 hours today, I got a lot of people watching in. The office was a steady stream of people--especially because my Dr had a sick child and had to leave at lunchtime so they were trying to squeeze in her afternoon people.

I don't spend a lot of time in the waiting room (thank goodness) so it really was the first opportunity I had to just watch and observe.

I remember what it was like when I was going for visits when we first started having trouble TTC. I hated seeing baby bellies or couples pouring over u/s photos. Luckily, my work schedule kept my visits at the time of day they don't do a ton of OB visits. However, it hurt to see. Once we finally were pregnant, I remember the first time of walking in, being told to leave my sample and waiting with TH to see the u/s tech for our "dating" ultrasound. We were clearly nervous and the only couple in the waiting room. After the u/s, you wait in the waiting room again for the OB to review things and then you have an appt with her (with a nurse visit for family history and bloodwork right after the u/s). I remember sitting in the waiting room analyzing our little blob--peering closely at the picture trying to see more than was there.

Today, there was a steady stream of "couples" that came in for this exact purpose. You could spot them as soon as they walked in--a still skinny nervous looking woman and a wary looking man (what man feels truly at ease at the OB-GYN?) checking in and sitting nervously holding hands. They'd be called back and hurry towards the US tech at the door like she might close the door and walk away before they made it there. A bit later, out they'd come with their strip of 3-4 pictures and they'd huddle together checking them out---often taking cell phone pictures.

It used to be us. This last time with little pumpkin seed, we still did this...but it was different. There were a couple of couples there with a young child in tow and there was a distinct difference between first timers and been theres.

In contrast, thus pretty much ended the parade of husbands/significant others (with the exception of one couple who seemed like they were there for the 20w growth scan based off her size and the number of photos she came back with). Every other pregnant person was more business like---check in, pee in a cup and wait your turn. There was plenty of waddling and subtle belly size checking out of the other women in the room but mostly, they could've been women waiting for anything. Even the few who came by themselves with other children in tow were missing that initial glow that people have when being pregnant is new and exciting and scary. Sure, there are visible nerves sometimes and no one looks downright unhappy to be there (well, except one lady who I heard the receptionist greet in a way that told me she was overdue)....but somewhere along the line of pregnancy (first or otherwise), we seem to change.

Perhaps as our outer appearance changes, it begins to reflect our inside changes---shifting from the OMG we're (finally) having a baby to dealing with some of the regular day to day decisions that come with it, on top of living your daily life. Reality sets in and casts a shadow over pregnancy. There are still those shining moments...u/s peeks, showers, baby kicks, finishing the nursery, being close to/giving birth...but there is a lot of time in between where you are just pregnant.

And until today, I didn't realize what it looked like.  To me, it helped me understand more why this pregnancy has been different. The "adrenaline" lasted longer with LM. I'm sure it faded too...but there were so many new things, it wasn't as noticeable. Watching people today, I see how it's easier for me to feel less "excited" about this pregnancy (not PS in general, but the pregnancy). If what it "feels" like to be pregnant changes so visibly to the casual observer, surely I can feel it in myself.

On a side note--I didn't hear back the results today like I was hoping too. Which makes me nervous because I know the results were back this pm and if they were good to go, the nurse wouldn't have had to check with the doctor before calling. And since my dr was gone this pm...it worries me that I was borderline again...or worse. Ugh. Luckily, I don't have to go through this again--I feel hungover and icky with a killer headache. Oh, and nauseous from eating waaay too much when I got home. Stupid fasting!

Unraveling around the edges

It's been rough here lately....LM isn't sleeping well for reasons unknown, TH and I are arguing about a family reunion, my lack of energy aka desire to do anything domestic and various other things, work is super stressful with end of the year assessments and a class that honestly, has exhausted my spirit this year. I feel at the edge of something...something not good. Between the hormones and the stress, I'm a crying mess lately. I just feel like I'm unraveling.

And then, I missed my blogiversary. Because I thought that Blogger notified you/reminded you/sent a singing telegram or something. And it just crushed me. All the reminders about how last spring I felt hope as a parent, had time to blog and just in general didn't feel like my life was running away from....thinking back to where I was a year ago and how I feel now...it was just too much. I had been looking forward to the date and reflecting...and then I missed it. And then I reflected anyway...and I'm sad about things.

I can't seem to figure out how to balance motherhood/wifehood/selfhood. I try to be a good mother and i end up neglecting work or not making a dinner that a college freshman couldn't whip up. I try to focus more at work and take on more...and I drop the ball because I'm too tired. I try to be a better wife and work harder and making homemade meals, not forgetting to take the laundry out of the dryer, not wearing ratty pjs every night etc etc...and then he says something (inadvertent/intentional or not) and it strips all my confidence away and my desire to try.

I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well consistently in about a year and a half. With the added pregnancy brain and exhaustion....it's bad. Just really bad. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and find clothes that match (and fit). I feel my brain sitting there all wrung out and dried up and I have no idea what to do about it. I cried and cried the other night while laying on the floor of LM's room, letting him rub on my hand while he tried to get back to sleep (which he was up for no reason whatsoever that I could tell)...I just felt like such a failure. Why can I not figure out what he needs to sleep better? Why am I still fighting this at this age? NO ONE talks about babies who don't STTN at almost 14 months. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't....we're going on vacation with family soon and I'm already feeling mortified that he sleeps so badly...when it seems to come so easily to others. And TH...he tries to be understanding (and he does get it when LM is sick or teething or has had an off nap day etc) but the battle over him waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night (or an hour after he goes down OR at 430 in the morning----you get my point) is getting old. His answer when I'm upset and feeling useless about it is that surely there's solutions out there and I must not be reading/researching it enough......UM first off, I have and I've tried things. But there's no real manual. AND 2nd---when do I have time to do all this reading? I barely can keep up with my blog,  FB and DD group (both, though I'm iffy on the October one...drama mamas it seems). And when I tell him it makes me feel  inadequate or like a bad mom...he reacts like a guy and not with the reassurance I need. And I've asked for it...but it seems false then.

I just feel like a bad mom for not being "better". My brain is all I have...I'm not coordinated, I'm not a jock, I'm not artistic or a good cook, I don't make things/sew/create....I'm just the smart person. That's been my role as long as I can remember. I'm the one you want on your trivia team. But now...with the exhaustion and emotion....the baby raising and baby growing...my brain is betraying me and I'm not the smart one anymore. I'm sluggish and I forget things. And it eats at my confidence more.

I have no idea how we're going to manage two babies. No idea. I feel like it's just not possible...I'm not good enough at one....let along two. I'm just unraveling and I need this feeling to stop.

From here to there...

It's hard for me to figure out what to write these days. LM is growing and changing like crazy. I'm filled with millions of updates I want to share with you---like how he started bringing us books to read him. He's always loved books and loves being read to but this is the first time he's started crawling to us (angrily usually, as he hasn't quite got the crawling with big objects thing down yet) to have them read to him. But--my mind is consumed with this pregnancy. The paranoia of not having a beta, the paranoia that comes with the faint faint spotting that happened for a bit today (old, brown spotting, not the scary red, fresh kind) and all of the other things running through my mind a million times a day.

I struggle to have the energy these days to make it through the day...let alone even get on my computer if this last week was any indication. Between work, playing with LM non-stop after coming home, dinner, life and then 1st tri exhaustion, I know it's going to be hard to update the blog as much as I want to. And I do want to--not only is it cathartic, but I love the chronology of it. With this in mind, it makes it even more difficult to decide what to post about. This place started as a parenting after IF space...a nook in the world for me to share my thoughts, fears and experiences---both to have a place to say the things that I have no one else to say them too AND on the off chance that someone stumbles upon it and happened to read the one thing they needed to hear when their baby WILL not sleep like everyone elses and they're losing their mind (have I mentioned that we're not going to sleep well and waking up crying at night again??).

I need to find a way to strike a balance between chronicling this pregnancy (which I wish I had done with LM) and still giving LM his share in the spotlight. I'm not sure how this is done....and maybe I'll get better about posting more.

But, let's try.

I'm 7w pregnant today....exhausted, vaguely nauseous when I don't get enough protein/get hungry, cold ALL the time and still trying to wrap my brain around this scary/crazy/exciting journey we've detoured down.

LM turns 1 (ONE, did you read that!!????) a week from tomorrow. We're planning his party (next Sunday) and existing in a state of shock that we're here already. I'm crushed that I'll be at work on his actual birthday. It makes me cry to think about it. But, since I'm taking a 1/2 day later in the week for his pedi appt and then another 1/2 day the next week for my u/s and dr appt, I really can't.  I even thought about seeing if someone could cover my room for 45 min or so and then I'd stay at daycare with him until his birth time. But--I don't see it happening. I can't believe this year has flown by---how did it happen??

I read a statistic in a magazine today about how many Saturdays you get with your child between birth and then leaving for college---it was somewhere in the 900's but I hate the idea that so many of them are gone.  Bleh.  Too many hormones to think about this.

That's my update for today....I hope I will be better this week about sharing all of the thoughts bouncing around in my head.