Watching

As I sit here hopping myself up on coffee (415 feeding with a 515 alarm clock after tossing and turns from nerves until midnight requires extra reserves) and watching PS and LM sleep as the monitor scans between their two rooms, I am amazed that they are mine. Somehow, my less than perfect self managed to grow two little people who despite looking crazy alike, are little individuals with personalities (even at PS's young age) that are astounding.

I've done a lot of "ehh" things in life to be rewarded with such wonderful beings. I'm heartsick at what I'm going to miss while I'm at work. I have no idea why it is so much harder this time--theories abound from going back to work mid-year vs the start and knowing exactly how fast they change/how much I'll miss this time. And I suppose this is true--I push myself to be great at work and I know that I need to just accept good for the rest of this year. With LM, I was in denial about what I'd miss--and while he was super helpful at not doing any big milestones at daycare--I didn't realize how fleeting time was.  Everyday now, he says something new and amazing....he's making connections about the world around him and wiggling his little tush at commercial music in a way that makes my heart pitter patter. PS grows (physically and personality-wise) every day...her sweet smile melts my heart. I just know that I'll miss her first giggles...we're so close.  I wish I could stay home with them...but at the same time I know that I'd be an awful SAHM. Those who do it wonderfully rock...I'd be so bad at it!!

It's so hard to strike a balance in life. But, for now, I'll just enjoy my coffee and babies.