Somewhere in the midst of all that is tired and holy (ICLW week came at a bad week for m!!) I missed my 100th blog post. Oops!
So much for my resolution to pay more attention to details! Thank you for all of you who have spent these last few months "listening" to me, advising me, commiserating with me and, more than likely, taking bets on how screwed up my kid will be :-) I couldn't have survived it without you. If you're new around here--I hope you're around for #200.
The last few days have been rough around here (TUESDAY!! It's really only Tuesday!!). LM's sleep pattern has gone all random on me. He's going down at a consistent time and getting up at one too...but in between, it's some mind-obliterating randomness of getting up between 0 and 2 times a night to eat. Don't hate on the zero though...it's rare and happened like twice but I cling to it as hope that there is a higher power. I just need some order to it all. I need a pattern. My body can't handle not knowing how many times it's getting up a night...I just need to adjust/adapt/survive. The worst is the 415 feeding...when I crawl back into bed around 430, knowing my alarm is going off in 45 minutes. UGH.
Then, there's work. The beginning of the year is rough rough rough...my 24 4,5 & 6 year olds are kicking my butt this year. Maybe it's the group or maybe it's that I haven't taught since February (and let's be honest...those last few weeks were autopilot, while I tried to stay off my Spongebob Squarefeet). All I know is that I feel my energy drain as the day goes on...and it makes me cranky. And I'm taking it on them. I just builds and builds all day and it's so frustrating by the end of the day. I know it gets better...I've just never had to survive this rough patch while so tired.
Then there's TH. We're both exhausted from school so we snap at each other. I just want to play with LM when I get home so I always want to put off dinner. Then, it turns into the "you never cook" argument and goes from there. He also seems to have ZERO sense of radar when it comes to anything remotely involving anything that may or may not result in having to pretend that I want to DTD. Because I don't. I'm tired. It still hurts because I'm still nursing some. AND..I'll say it again..I'm tired. I realize that it's not 100% fair to him so I try to accommodate but it just worsens my mood.
Can you tell I've had a bad day? Because it sucked. Big time. From greasy hair (boo new hair product) to losing my favorite student to not accomplishing anything before school because I.COULD.NOT.GET.A.PARENT.OFF.THE.PHONE to just in general feeling like I can't accomplish anything these days. Oh--and did I mention I found the jumpdrive I was looking for...in the dryer. After I washed it. Yep.
I promise I'm not usually this cranky, complainy etc. I have an amazing life--an awesome baby (even if he didn't nap at all at daycare today so I'm planning on him not sleeping well tonight) and a great husband (who really puts up with a lot of my neurosis), my dream job. But--sometimes...sometimes it all just feels like too much.
I'm a pusher...I push myself to be the best at things. And that doesn't work as a mom. I'm learning that and I'm trying to accept it. But, I'm bad at relinquishing responsibility at work and I won't spend less time with LM...so...I'm at an impasse.
A cranky one.
Tomorrow will be better. It's hump day.