I was running around during LM's power nap (not sure what else to call the consistently 30min naps) trying to accomplish the ever-growing list of things I needed to cross off my to-do list, when I popped my head into the dining room where he was sleeping in the PNP (yes, it's in the dining room). Suddenly, I got that overwhelming swell of emotion that was 'oh so familiar' during those first few postpartum weeks. I realized that amidst the chaos and sleep deprivation, the sore b.oobs and flab in weird places, the constant second guessing of every decision and frustrations---I have a beautiful little boy. That--get this--it appears they're going to let me keep him! All of the struggles to get him seem far away most days---there's just too much going on to dwell. But--when I stop and marvel at him, I realize how blessed I am. And how easily our fate could've been many more years of struggle and loss. I appreciate my LM more than ever because of this.
I need to force myself to stop and marvel at him daily---not just because of how lucky we are---but because of how fast he's changing. The chubby rolls in his arms and legs, how long his fingers are getting and how he lights up when he sees me....it's all going to disappear so fast. He's such a tiny little guy (well, not so tiny anymore) and yet, he can turn me into a pile of mush in no time flat.
It brings tears to my eyes to think about how this time last year, I didn't even know he existed and now he's the center of my world. I want everyone to be able to feel this---it's not fair that it doesn't work out this way. The good people of this world deserve to be rewarded for the love they want to shower and the wonderful children they want to raise. There are so many people out there not committed to loving their little ones enough (I see it too much as a teacher). I wish I could share the love with all of you.