Monday, April 30, 2012

Reality Check

There have been a lot of things in the last few days that have made me take a reality check about my attitude. Call it a combination of real life (Diana and her fight to save her boys, some of the parent/student crap I've dealt with at school lately---seriously, how hard is it to love and spend time with your child??) and the lovely world of fiction that exists in my DVR (Greys, Private Practice---I won't elaborate in case you aren't up to date). All of it combined to make me realize that my anxiety, my nerves and general worked-upedness are the wrong path.

Perhaps it was the unexpected way that PS came about...without the struggle with medicines, doctors and IF. Maybe I just didn't appreciate this pregnancy enough....I took it for granted. And, instead, I need the reality check of just how lucky I am. Things are progressing on target (although after my DVR'ing, I'm scared for the u/s in 16 days)---I'm healthy, PS is healthy, LM is healthy (though teething AGAIN) and TH...well he's in the throes of a man-cold, so obviously his world is ending :-) 

I don't know how this pregnancy will turn out. I don't know if we'll face obstacles or be smooth sailing like LM. I don't know if LM will continue to grow and thrive as great as he is....or if my worries will be validated. I have no idea what kind of children they will turn out to be---or whether their future teachers will question my parenting or be glad I'm in their lives.  I don't know if I'll maim TH for not getting his act together about things....or if we'll sort it all out.

I just.don't.know. And I have to accept that and start enjoying the moment. I'm going to miss things because I'm worrying too much. And I need to stop. I can "obsess" about things like cribs and biting (though, mostly exclusive things) but the "big things"....those things I need to stop worrying about. I need to gain more confidence (how? no idea) so that I can enjoy life more.

This isn't to say I won't worry or complain...I think that's who I am. But--I'm done being anxious about whether having 2 under 2 will eventually do me in mentally, emotionally and physically. It is what it is and I need to be more grateful.


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