Thursday, April 26, 2012
Unraveling around the edges
It's been rough here lately....LM isn't sleeping well for reasons unknown, TH and I are arguing about a family reunion, my lack of energy aka desire to do anything domestic and various other things, work is super stressful with end of the year assessments and a class that honestly, has exhausted my spirit this year. I feel at the edge of something...something not good. Between the hormones and the stress, I'm a crying mess lately. I just feel like I'm unraveling.
And then, I missed my blogiversary. Because I thought that Blogger notified you/reminded you/sent a singing telegram or something. And it just crushed me. All the reminders about how last spring I felt hope as a parent, had time to blog and just in general didn't feel like my life was running away from....thinking back to where I was a year ago and how I feel now...it was just too much. I had been looking forward to the date and reflecting...and then I missed it. And then I reflected anyway...and I'm sad about things.
I can't seem to figure out how to balance motherhood/wifehood/selfhood. I try to be a good mother and i end up neglecting work or not making a dinner that a college freshman couldn't whip up. I try to focus more at work and take on more...and I drop the ball because I'm too tired. I try to be a better wife and work harder and making homemade meals, not forgetting to take the laundry out of the dryer, not wearing ratty pjs every night etc etc...and then he says something (inadvertent/intentional or not) and it strips all my confidence away and my desire to try.
I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well consistently in about a year and a half. With the added pregnancy brain and exhaustion....it's bad. Just really bad. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and find clothes that match (and fit). I feel my brain sitting there all wrung out and dried up and I have no idea what to do about it. I cried and cried the other night while laying on the floor of LM's room, letting him rub on my hand while he tried to get back to sleep (which he was up for no reason whatsoever that I could tell)...I just felt like such a failure. Why can I not figure out what he needs to sleep better? Why am I still fighting this at this age? NO ONE talks about babies who don't STTN at almost 14 months. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't....we're going on vacation with family soon and I'm already feeling mortified that he sleeps so badly...when it seems to come so easily to others. And TH...he tries to be understanding (and he does get it when LM is sick or teething or has had an off nap day etc) but the battle over him waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night (or an hour after he goes down OR at 430 in the morning----you get my point) is getting old. His answer when I'm upset and feeling useless about it is that surely there's solutions out there and I must not be reading/researching it enough......UM first off, I have and I've tried things. But there's no real manual. AND 2nd---when do I have time to do all this reading? I barely can keep up with my blog, FB and DD group (both, though I'm iffy on the October one...drama mamas it seems). And when I tell him it makes me feel inadequate or like a bad mom...he reacts like a guy and not with the reassurance I need. And I've asked for it...but it seems false then.
I just feel like a bad mom for not being "better". My brain is all I have...I'm not coordinated, I'm not a jock, I'm not artistic or a good cook, I don't make things/sew/create....I'm just the smart person. That's been my role as long as I can remember. I'm the one you want on your trivia team. But now...with the exhaustion and emotion....the baby raising and baby growing...my brain is betraying me and I'm not the smart one anymore. I'm sluggish and I forget things. And it eats at my confidence more.
I have no idea how we're going to manage two babies. No idea. I feel like it's just not possible...I'm not good enough at one....let along two. I'm just unraveling and I need this feeling to stop.