I'm not sure what it is this time around....maybe it's carrying a girl and there's too much female hormone in me or something super scientific like that. But, I just can't shake these mood swings...the highs are great but the lows are low.
We're supposed to be at a week long family reunion this week (my stepmom's side). It's been something my family has done every 3 years since I was six. TH went for the first time last time....and welllll...it was a different kind of location than normal and really not that much fun I'll admit. Usually we go somewhere with a lake and everyone swims, cooks etc. This place was more of a "camp" with provided food (yummo). Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled with the idea of going this time.
Especially when he found out where it would be...a small island way north in Michigan (that side planned it this time around). There's a multiple hour ferry ride to get to it and nothing to do there except beach and hike. With LM HATING cold water, detesting being hot (no a/c there), being a sand eater and me not being up to hiking.....I did the awful awful thing and told them we couldn't come. I'm just not up to the battle of chasing him around an un-babyproofed place with nothing to do. My family has some sailboats but that stuff freaks me out, let alone putting my baby on one. It just wasn't going to be a vacation...it was going to be stressful. I probably would've stuck it out (I hate confrontations and disappointing my family) but I also couldn't face the idea of listening to The Hubs bitch and moan at me for a week (and all the months to follow).
It's heartbreaking for me to not be there right now....some pictures have shown up on FB. I feel awful and guilty and nauseous about it all. I hate knowing that my family is disappointed...some of them have never met LM. And I know my dad and step-mom were really looking forward to having grandparent time (they live out of state). But, I caved. And it's making the low that I'm in right now feel even lower. I want to be there. I want to be having a great time....but I doubt I would be so I'm trying to console myself with that.
I also wish that I was following up more on being brave. What I should've done is say, we can't come but we'll come out and visit you this summer so you still have time with him (the rest of the family, oh well!). And I had intentions of doing it....but the logistics of planning it and actually doing it....I just put it off. And now it's July and with schedules, I don't see how we'll do it.
And i feel worse. Because it was manageable to do. Because I don't know why I shy away from being more go-to-it. I know how important it is for them to see him (and with us no longer having a guest room and money being tight for them with my dad's medical issues/sister leaving for out of state college) and I just never pull the trigger. They put up with it because they love me...but am I showing them the love back? Or am I just a selfish person. I find that I avoid a lot of things because I just really want to be cocooned up in our little family of three. I put off having people come over to hang out or going to people's house to hang out....because it's just easier to be here together. And that is def selfish. And I don't know why I do it. All these loving generous people in my life and I push people away...maybe it's because I know I can and they'll still love me (I guess that's family). I just feel awful not being there...and I guess my biggest fear is that while everyone says they understand....they really don't get it deep down and are hurt.
Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's the stress of all of the crooked neck stuff (I've kept that from all of my family). Maybe it's knowing that my life is about to be turned upside down and these last four weeks of summer are all I have to really enjoy mommy, daddy, LM time. Once school starts, it's a race to be ready whenever maternity leave strikes and stay healthy long enough to get ready. I need some motivation in life to do more and BE more to others. But, I don't know where it's at or how to get it.