Several of the blogs I read have touched on "Mommy guilt" in a few different ways and it got me thinking.
I definitely have Mommy guilt leaving him to go back to work someday (while having guilt about leaving my students for basically the last 12 weeks of school). But I think that's normal....
I also have guilt about when I leave him to go do things---even leaving him with TH. But again, I think that's normal.
I feel guilty when I let him swing in his swing while I drink my morning coffee...because I'm pretending he's really close to napping when in reality, it usually takes 20 min. But...hopefully that's normal too.
Normally, I feel the guilt, I process it, tell myself it's normal and I move on. But tonight, after I put LM down in his crib to sleep, a new kind of guilt hit me. Enough to make me feel nauseated. I realized that i was excited about being able to make a snack and surf the web with both hands etc. Then, I felt guilty because I LOVE holding LM after he falls asleep until we go to bed. His little sighs, snuggles and sleep smiles turn to me to goo. And, I know that this phase doesn't last long. But yet, I was happy to not be doing it...right there along with the guilt.
I don't know how to rectify this one with myself. Milestones are important and transitions are good. Mommy alone time is good to. But, why do I feel like a bad Mom for giving up time with him on purpose? There are a lot of things I do "wrong" that are strictly innocent first time mom mistakes. That guilt is easy for me to put aside. But guilt that stems from me not wanting to spend time with this precious baby that I waited for and longed for...it's different. I'm sure it's normal. Perhaps this is part of the growing pains of learning to be a Mom and a wife and a person who has most of her sanity :-)
I know it won't hurt him to not be snuggled with me. It won't impact his IQ or turn him into a sociopath. Lots of mistakes will be made that are much more significant that putting him in his crib before we fully snuggle it out.
What it is, is the first time I've realized that I'm choosing to put aside a special 'thing' between LM and myself, for time for just myself. I suppose it will feel normal one day.
Thank goodness I don't feel this guilty about taking a shower!