I had a long post planned about our visit with the IL's and all the things I need to vent about somewhere where TH won't see it :-)
But, the whole thing with Jacob yesterday has thrown me for a loop. And I need to write about how I'm feeling instead.
I'm a worrier...I get it from my mom, who is the queen of worrying. I'm not a crazy, bubble wrap my baby kind of worrier. I am just cautious and I think things through. I can come up with a whole host of scenarios for what "could" happen with most things in my life. I analyze and usually take the cautious route. I did well in school because I hated the idea of disappointing my family. I behaved in college because I worried what would happen if I got in trouble doing something wrong.
I can talk a big game, but I usually only take calculated risks.
As a mom, I worry about keeping LM safe. I worry about the decisions I make and how I will feel about them in the long run. I worry I'll miss the big things when I go back to work.
BUT--I'm not the paranoid mama I thought I would be. When he sleeps an unexpectedly long time, I don't wake up in a panic. I don't check on him in the middle of the night. When he's being watched by my mom or TH, I don't create horrible scenarios about what might be happening. I don't visualize him being dropped. I'm strangely much more rational and calm.
Which totally goes against my norm.
But last night and today...I'm worrying. I worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep...possibly struggling to breathe all alone in his crib down the hall. I worry that there's something wrong with him that we don't know about. I worry about him napping at daycare starting next week. Just when I'm supposed to be starting to worry less about him...as the risk of SIDS is going down, as he can move his own body more and eventually choose his own sleep position...then I realize how much of a reason to worry I have. I just want to swaddle him up and put him back in his PNP by my pillow.
I also worry about how I would react in a crisis. How do you know you'd know what to do? Is it like when your car skids on the ice and you're taught to turn into the skid but who the heck can remember that when you're sliding...so you just react and you do it right???
Would I be able to save my baby? Would I be able to forgive myself if I couldn't? Or if I could have prevented something bad happening by worrying about it more and being proactive about a solution.
Jacob's mom had a Snuza for him...because she worried, not because there was a known concern. And it saved his life. Her instinct to give him CPR and revive him from unconsciousness saved his life.
It's heavy stuff.
I just can't stop worrying today. And I can't shake the horrible nauseous feeling that comes with it. The confidence I was gaining as a FTM is rocked to the core..because what do I really know? What if I'm so hung up on something silly like bottle nipple flow that I miss something important?
I was doing ok. And now, my worrying side is back. Does that "feeling" in your stomach ever go away?
As someone once put it, even my plans have plans. I look at everything that could possibly go wrong and have a plan for it. It is usually the one thing I miss that happens, though, and all the plans go out the window. Doesn't stop me though. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think the worrying feeling ever goes away. At least, that's what I'm told by people who have children older than mine...and by my mother. It's just the nature of the worry - instead of wondering if they've stopped breathing in the crib, we worry that they're lying dead in a ditch somewhere because they forgot to call us.
Instincts are powerful things. There have been a lot of things in my life that, before they happened, I would have told you I couldn't handle. But it turns out that I can. We are created with intense strengths and fabulous instincts, we just have to learn to trust them. And that? Takes time. But I know you'll be fine - worried, but fine!
I agree with a lot of what Tigger said. I'm not that much farther into mamahood then you are, but I don't think the worry ever really goes away. I don't worry as much about Bean when she sleeps, but I worry when she's eating and all the sudden gags on something she's eating a bunch of times. Or I worry when in a split second she launches herself into some piece of furniture head first even though I'm standing inches away and there's nothing I can do. There's always something because they're our babies and we want to keep them safe from everything.
ReplyDeleteBut I also agree that you have to trust in yourself. I think that nature has prepared us to face all the difficulties of motherhood even though we may feel completely unprepared. There's only so much you can do to feel like you're ready for anything and the rest you just have to have faith for. At least that's how I fight the fear. Because I'm a worrier too.
And after your post, I held Bean a little closer and watched her a little closer. And was ever so thankful that both she and your little one and Jacob are all okay. I hope you find a way to sleep a little easier tonight.
it does get easier as they get older... just don't read to many books, do what feels right, what comes naturally to you.
ReplyDeleteI think I've found a bit of balance to my thoughts. It's so easy to worry--because I want LM to be safe and happy and goodness knows I don't know what I'm doing to be able to achieve that :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to gain more trust in myself as I see LM do new things and grow/change. It gives me faith in myself that I must be doing something right. I guess it took their scare to make me really it think and reevaluate