Sunday, January 22, 2012

I've got a fever..

A little bit of fever.

Four women in my message board mommy group are pregnant already---some planned, some surprised and one miracle.  While I'm not ready for a baby yet....and not even sure I want makes me start to yearn for feeling belly kicks, seeing ultrasound pictures and snuggly newborn days. I want that joy and feeling of anticipation.

Though...not enough that I'm ready to "try".

Not that we're preventing....but, last I checked, if you want to get knocked up (without dr's of course!) you have to actually have sex. And, because you love to know intimate details of my life, that happens oh so infrequently. We're both not ready for another baby--so we should be preventing, but I think that deep down we know it won't happen again without help.

I go back and forth about whether we want to even have another. I'm basically an only child (very large gap between my half sister and myself and step-siblings that came around during college) and I loved the experiences I got to have because it was just me. I love being able to give him my undivided attention when I come home from work....and I see how hard it is (from watching friends and family) to give as much attention as needed to all little ones. I know that love can't be quantified or measured, but it's how I feel about it.

And then....well then there's the issue of whether we should.  We agreed to pursue medical intervention to have LM.  But, now that we have him, is it selfish of me to do it again to have another? Should I just be happy to be blessed with my one baby when so many people cannot? Do I agree to let it happen if it happens on its own? What if after agreeing to that, it doesn't happen and I lose out?

Why can't this one decision just be an "easy" one? Why can't it just be about whether we want another monkey and when instead of IF?? Why can't fertility not be an issue? Maybe my baby fever comes with a side of jealousy....that these women in my group not only knew what they wanted, but could also get it easily.

Maybe I'm scared to make the decision about a baby....because if we decide to try again (on our own or with help)...maybe this time, it won't work. And that pain will be back.

Maybe I should just be happy with having the most amazing baby in the world. But how do I know?


  1. Comment emailed in (stupid blogger not letting people comment!)

    From Katery--

    i tired to leave this comment on your latest post, but for some reason it wouldn't take, i've been having some problems commenting on blogger blogs lately...
    wanting another baby is NOT selfish. other people have more than one, why not you? just because we need medical intervention it doesn't mean we only deserve one. i think i decided if we want to have another it will have to happen naturally, which is unlikely, i just don't want to go through all that again, it's so hard.

  2. I hear you on all of this. I went through a lot of the same feelings when we were deciding if we were ready too, I still am. I always end up with that feeling that I have a miracle and I shouldn't rock the boat too much. IF makes it all harder and it just isn't fair. I hope somehow it gets easier.

  3. Not selfish at all. I think this is a dilemma a lot of "first time" parents go through. Whatever you and your husband decide, whether is happens naturally, you seek intervention, or you decide on only one child - you do what's best for your family. Thinking about it and talking about it definitely helps to make that decision.

    And I've got ridiculous baby fever. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

  4. Thanks ladies!

    Glad to know it's not just me that is caught up in all of this. I hope the "decision-making" gets easier...though I doubt it will! We're not ready to have another one (babysitting his cousins the other day made me sure!) but we've yet to have the discussion about whether we actively (birth control) or passively (relying on our IF history) don't have another one until we're ready (if we get ready). Probably should have that conversation.


Thank you for commenting! I love knowing you're reading :-) I believe blogging is about the give and take of ideas/opinions. Please share yours with me!