A little bit of fever...baby fever.
Four women in my
message board mommy group are pregnant already---some planned, some
surprised and one miracle. While I'm not ready for a baby yet....and
not even sure I want another....it makes me start to yearn for feeling
belly kicks, seeing ultrasound pictures and snuggly newborn days. I want
that joy and feeling of anticipation.
Though...not enough that I'm ready to "try".
that we're preventing....but, last I checked, if you want to get
knocked up (without dr's of course!) you have to actually have sex. And,
because you love to know intimate details of my life, that happens oh
so infrequently. We're both not ready for another baby--so we should be
preventing, but I think that deep down we know it won't happen again
I go back and forth about whether we want
to even have another. I'm basically an only child (very large gap
between my half sister and myself and step-siblings that came around
during college) and I loved the experiences I got to have because it was
just me. I love being able to give him my undivided attention when I
come home from work....and I see how hard it is (from watching friends
and family) to give as much attention as needed to all little ones. I
know that love can't be quantified or measured, but it's how I feel
And then....well then there's the issue of
whether we should. We agreed to pursue medical intervention to have
LM. But, now that we have him, is it selfish of me to do it again to
have another? Should I just be happy to be blessed with my one baby when
so many people cannot? Do I agree to let it happen if it happens on its
own? What if after agreeing to that, it doesn't happen and I lose out?
can't this one decision just be an "easy" one? Why can't it just be
about whether we want another monkey and when instead of IF?? Why can't
fertility not be an issue? Maybe my baby fever comes with a side of
jealousy....that these women in my group not only knew what they wanted,
but could also get it easily.
Maybe I'm scared to
make the decision about a baby....because if we decide to try again (on
our own or with help)...maybe this time, it won't work. And that pain
will be back.
Maybe I should just be happy with having the most amazing baby in the world. But how do I know?