Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Where does it come from? This intense pressure that I feel for LM to do things and change. I'm not talking about things like crawling....for some reason, these kinds of milestones don't seem to upset me if he's behind. I trust that he'll get there--especially the gross motor ones since he's my chunky little monkey and it'll take more time.

But there are these random things that I find myself feeling pressure about things like sleep and food. The pedi mentioned that with the natural transition to more food and less formula, he would naturally drop a feeding. There was already one feeding that was feeling forced, so we stopped that bottle and added some more food at dinner (the bottle was a 5pm one). It was working...but then he stopped sleeping well and I felt so guilty about giving him that bottle again. I am because he's hungry and wants it. And, with what I expect is an upcoming growth/milestone spurt, I want him to have it. But--I feel like he's going backwards. I know he's not. Rationally, I get this. But--I worry that I'm holding him back somehow...that he's drinking too much and not eating enough. I read about babies his age in my mom group that are eating multiple jars of baby food, plus table food in a day...and sometimes he just doesn't want to eat that much. I don't want to hold him back....and I'm sure he's not.

But--I worry that I'm babying him. Ironic--I know.  I worry that he can handle eating more--especially table foods. That he wants more types of foods, bigger pieces, bigger quantities etc...and I'm holding him back, so he gets bored and wants nothing to do with it. There's no guide to this whole motherhood thing...I get that. But--i am SO SICK of hearing that I should just do what is best for my baby. How I am supposed to know this?????? I need to hear more specific plans/experiences that people have used to transition. I'm tired of just guessing (and by guessing, I mean reading a ton of things and make a semi-informed decision). I'm tired of TH relying on me to figure it out. I'm tired of him assuming that I know what I'm doing when it comes to decisions. Ugh.

I'm just tired of it. Speaking of tired...sleep is the other area. If one more person asks me whether he's STTN...and then gives me a "look"...I will punch them. Guarantee it. I know sleep goes in cycles and that with new things/spurts/life, sleep changes. You ladies have been more than helpful in this area. But--I still feel so frustrated. TH thinks that I'm causing some of his bad sleep habits. And--it's possible. He likes to hold my hand through the crib slats as he falls asleep, rubbing on my fingers. He doesn't NEED to...and sometimes, like tonight, he falls asleep on his own anyway. I also can't handle him crying and tend to go to him quickly to give him his paci or, if he's really upset, to pick him up and rock him. I know know know that he is capable of self-soothing and that it is counter-intuitive to pick him up. I can't handle CIO...and I've yet to figure out what "method" I want to use. I just need something....ugh.

Actually (to those of you still reading), what I need is to back the F off myself. I'm creating the pressure. No one else (except TH, who really only argues but has no follow thru to help fix it and really doesn't know what to do either so I don't have to do what he thinks!) is pressuring me to make him eat or sleep more "normally".  It's all about some arbitrary goal I set for myself....and for him....and it needs to stop. He won't drink bottles forever and I don't see a ton of kids waking up all I know in time it all passes. I just need to give myself a break.

Thanks for listening.


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