I've always got so much going on in my head that I try to figure out "where" to put it online. Little tiny questions, ramblings etc usually end up on LM's Due Date Facebook group. Pictures end up on my main account. Good stories sometimes end up here. Most of the time, I try to keep my thoughts on here cognizant of my audience--moms who may or may not have struggled with infertility. I keep in mind that some things could be offensive or annoying for me to ramble about.
That said, I had a "post" planned in my head for here....my anxiety about LM turning 1 (gasp) Monday. I also had some worries/thoughts that I was planning on sharing with my march mamas. But, today one of the other moms in the group who was only a few weeks more pregnant than me had an u/s and found out there was no heartbeat. And...suddenly, what I was about to post would be insensitive and immature. But...I still need to get it out there. So, I'm going to post it here. I'll warn you that it does touch on the idea of pregnancy loss so if that's upsetting to you, please don't bother to read on. I understand.
In mid-January, when all sort of march mamas were popping up pregnant, I posted in our fb group that I'm glad they were the ones getting pregnant and the dreams I'd had about a positive pregnancy test must've been in their honor. Well....a few weeks later...suddenly I'm the pregnant one. I'm not big into paranormal, psychic abilities and whatnot, but I don't discount it. I believe people have gifts.
What I do wonder about though, is premonitions. I tell myself lots of "stories" in my head...mostly just running commentaries of things that I create in my head...fantasies (loosely) I guess. Mostly, just little plots I create in my head usually not involving me. Anyway....when I try to think about our first doctor's appointment on the 13th, all of the "stories" I create in my head are not good. They all end with no heartbeat, no baby. I control these entirely. I'm not sure why this is what I picture when I picture that appointment. Is it my way of preparing emotionally in case that's what happens? Or does it fall under a premonition category?
I just don't know why I can't picture a happy ending. I then also worry that if that is the result...did I cause it with my thoughts/feelings etc??
Just wanted to get it out. I'm going to focus on being more positive. And go back to worrying about LM turning one :-) Much more normal and healthy!