I'm not sure how we're going to do this.
I've been all wrapped up in the logistics of it all...furniture, daycare, carseat configuration, maternity leave savings, room switching etc. I've even been focused on the fun things---dreaming about decor, names, what to keep vs what we should buy.
But--as LM snuggled on my lap listening to his bedtime story, I realized that soon he wasn't going to fit anymore. Soon, he'd have to be a "big boy" and sit next to me to hear a story. Soon, he won't be able to lay belly to belly with me to snuggle into my neck. And it breaks my heart. I feel like it's too soon for him to have to give things up. Because once my lap is back, he'll have to share it permanently. He's so used to having all of the attention at home (daycare has been good for him learning he's not the center of everything!). I feel like he'll have to grow up faster.
And that's not what I wanted. Don't get me wrong...I'm thrilled we're having a baby. But--it's so much sooner than I ever wanted. I guess you could say that maybe that's not true or we would've been more careful...but infertility messes with you in that regard. He's just so little and still learning so much about life. What little Mommy/Daddy things is he going to have to give up because someone else needs something? He won't get to hand puzzle pieces over and over again to me whenever he wants--watching intently how I place them in their spots. I understand that that's life....but what will he miss out on? What won't he "learn" because he's sharing attention?
TH always wanted more than one child....I would've been find with just LM. I know it sounds selfish and ungrateful....I just have NO idea how we're going to be good parents to both children. I know there's enough love to go around....but attention? quality time?
I already can barely keep up around the house now...using all of my remaining energy after work to spend time with LM when we get home. Time for meals (even of the basic type) is already a sticking point between TH and I. I'd rather play with LM when I get home instead of jumping right into dinner. Sure, he can play with him and keep him occupied.....but I want my time---not the time closer to bedtime when the crankies come out.
I'm just not sure how we'll be able to be good parents to two so close. I feel sad and panicked about it.
I felt some of this when I was weaning Bean. I was weaning her because we were going to start trying to have another baby and I felt like I was robbing her of something. It broke my heart. But you know what, it was harder for me then it was for her. She actually ended up being fine with it. I am totally a person who gets freaked out by the bad that can happen. I focus on it a lot and worry about it always. But what I realized at that point was that what I was offering Bean by potentially giving her a sibling could give back anything that might be taken away.
ReplyDeleteI also have several friends who had babies really close together. One went through IF and adopted, only to be story we all hate and get pregnant on her own so the two were very close together. And I'm not going to lie, she said it was hard in the beginning, but now she's so very glad that they are close together. They get along so well, and don't remember a time when the other wasn't a part of their story. This really will be harder on you in the long run then it will be on your little man. He'll adapt, he'll be okay. You just have to figure out how to make sure that you're okay too.
I think every parent feels these things when a second little one is about to enter the picture. I remember feeling sad about the thought of my daughter and I no longer having one on one time and wondering how she would adjust...but now there's just more love to go around. We have all gained SO much since her little brother was born. She adores him and has right from the beginning. It's a wonderful journey, watching them become best friends!
ReplyDeleteThink about all the experiences he will gain from having a little sister. Sibling bonds are so amazing and you are giving him a gift.
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