The last few days, I've been walking around as a super fun nesting, paranoid lady. Well, scratch that part, I'm not nesting at home but rather at school. I went on a cleaning/organizing binge in my classroom--creating all sorts of tasks for myself to work on instead of the multitude I still need to accomplish in the next 3.25 weeks. My house...now it's a mess. LM is waaayy into "cleaning" with his tiny play kitchen rags, so I'm thinking about just giving him some pledge and letting him have at my bookshelves. It may be the only way it's happening around here :-)
Ladies in my October Due Date group are starting to have babies...granted, it's mostly twins and the singlets that were high-risk or have become high-risk. But, coupled with the excruciating back pain today with every step I take and let's just say...some digestive issues tonight that reminded me of the "cleansing of the body" that took place during labor.....well, I just get paranoid that I'm not baking as well as I think. I don't go back to the doctor until next Friday (my last every two week visit) and I'm excited (yeah, weird, I know) for my first cervical check. I NEED.TO.KNOW where I'm at. I pretty much don't even notice the BHicks anymore, they happen that often. Last time, at my first cervical check I was a fingertip dilated and by the next week, I was 2cm--which started the "maybe it's time to stop work conversation (that and the giant swollen sponge.bob squarefeet action).
I'm over-thinking this all...and rambling.
Perhaps it's that I STILL don't have a sub (though my Principal swears she's interviewing). Perhaps it's that I seem to by lacking the motivation to finish the sub plans I need to leave for the first two weeks (I'm 75% done with one week), despite the fact that the last two weekends, that's been my goal. It's just so tedious to type out each and every detail about each and every day for my little ones. But, like I said, the nesting at school is helping me at least get my room ready. I suppose I could always finish my plans while in labor :-)
Or maybe it's just that I'm scared. Scared of the birth process again...it was "too smooth" last time. Surely, it won't be as straightforward, short and "well-timed". I'm also scared of how it will change our family---LM has been acting out at daycare when she's been having to take care of the 3mo old baby. He's such a mama/daddy boy...I feel awful for changing his world so much when he has no idea what to expect. I'm scared that I won't be able to pick him up much longer without hurting myself. I'm also scared that I won't be good enough as a mom to 2. I barely scrape by as a wife...and I've been having incredible guilt at the things TH has had to take over to help me out at this point (though, I know he's trying to just give me a break). But, I'm already not a cook, cleaning isn't my priority (though I'm tidy and pickup after myself, I just don't like to spend time cleaning cleaning on the weekends) and I'm not the organized, pinterest type of wife. I want to be...I'm just not. And I worry that it's going to get worse. And that it will affect my marriage. I realize I should stop worrying...especially when I read posts and blogs about moms to be and how they kept calm and worry-free and how it's making their babies better ("than mine" the fine print screams at me). PS is going to come out with a ticky-eye like I've developed and afraid of talking out and having to turn her behavior card :-)
To end on a positive note (not that anyone is still reading past this yammering), we do have a name! MIL HATES it, but what's new? And, baby-wise, we really only have to install the carseat(s), bring up the swing and we can survive her arrival. AND--I'm huge. None of my maternity clothes fit right anymore but apparently, that just makes people comment on how nice I look (or perhaps that's the crazed look in my eyes that frightens the compliment out of them!) which makes me feel better.
LM is 18 months today....A YEAR and a friggin HALF. Holy Moly. I'm 34+3days pregnant and still looking for a cute way to share it on FB!
Those moms-to-be who are calm and worry-free? They're lying to you. Either that, or they had it scheduled, or they're on something. Birth is stressful, and I honestly don't think it matters how many times you do it, you're still going to worry. And that? Is OKAY.
ReplyDeleteThe worry is going to drive you nuts, though. I know all the worry I did with the Boy, and how I had all these plans, and the parent I wanted to be, and...it all went out the window. Most of parenting is "do the best you can when you can and fly by the seat of your pants" because kids don't come with instructions. There'll be enough of you to go around. It will be an adjustment for everyone, yes, but adjust you will because that's what humans do. We adapt. :)
*hugs* You can do this!
looking forward to a cervix check??? you ARE crazy! they were so excruciating for me that they could never really get a proper one done. louise was SO low for SO long that it was really hard for my doctor to get her fingers around the head. after i had my epidural when i was in labor they weren't so bad though :) your fears of not being able to give #1 one as much attention and making his life change without any warning are pretty common, everyone i know who has had #2 on the way has said this about #1, but they all seemed to do just fine once #2 arrived and so will you, we just adapt. anyway, good luck getting everything done, even if you don't finish every little detail i'm sure things will be fine.
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