Tuesday, October 9, 2012

--Cue freak out--

TH has spent the last two nights at work until 8 (after teaching all day) doing parent teacher conferences. LM has been....hmm...how shall I say it...a bit of a pill. Monday he is always fussy and cranky because he has trouble settling down and doesn't get enough sleep on Sunday night. Usually he settles down by Tuesday (he crashes early on Mondays).

BUT--wow. Tonight he was in full, early terrible twos form. He oscillated between slap happy silliness with the dog to full on temper tantrums over nothing significant. He was a mess...and so was I.

At one point we were both crying. Him, because the dog ate the noodle he threw to him to eat. Me, because I have no idea how I'm going to do it. Two kids is one thing...it will be a handful and busy and chaotic.  But--I'm starting to remember the beginning newborn days...the sleep deprivation, the mindlessness feeling, the numbness of moving through each day trying to figure it out, the engorgement, the feeling of constant feeding....oh and the pain (once the pain medicine prescription wears off).  There are the happy feelings...the snuggly baby sleeping on you...looking all precious. But--it takes so long to overcome that scary beginning......how do I survive that AND be a good mom to LM?

We already know he's going to struggle with not being the center of attention. That's a given...he's 19months old and has us wrapped around his little finger. He didn't ask for a sibling, he would be perfectly happy with just us three (well, and the dog). It's going to be hard for him when he wants to snuggle and read a book with him and I'm feeding the baby. And, when I can't work up the energy to be the "fun" mom...he's the one who will suffer. I've already been given a taste of this as this pregnancy draws to a close. The pain and exhaustion I've been dealing with has made it hard for me to (and want to) get down on the floor and play with him. I've pushed through it most of the time...but he's already had to adapt and it's not fair for him. I know in the long run, he'll do more independent play and he'll love having a sibling close in age.  But for now...now it just makes me feel guilty.

I don't know how we'll do it...I know we will survive...but I have to have to have to find a way to survive in a way that meets my expectations for our family. We can't just go through the motions.

It's scary to think about how I'll survive...somedays I barely make it with one. But, I guess it's a little late now!


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