From here to there...

It's hard for me to figure out what to write these days. LM is growing and changing like crazy. I'm filled with millions of updates I want to share with you---like how he started bringing us books to read him. He's always loved books and loves being read to but this is the first time he's started crawling to us (angrily usually, as he hasn't quite got the crawling with big objects thing down yet) to have them read to him. But--my mind is consumed with this pregnancy. The paranoia of not having a beta, the paranoia that comes with the faint faint spotting that happened for a bit today (old, brown spotting, not the scary red, fresh kind) and all of the other things running through my mind a million times a day.

I struggle to have the energy these days to make it through the day...let alone even get on my computer if this last week was any indication. Between work, playing with LM non-stop after coming home, dinner, life and then 1st tri exhaustion, I know it's going to be hard to update the blog as much as I want to. And I do want to--not only is it cathartic, but I love the chronology of it. With this in mind, it makes it even more difficult to decide what to post about. This place started as a parenting after IF space...a nook in the world for me to share my thoughts, fears and experiences---both to have a place to say the things that I have no one else to say them too AND on the off chance that someone stumbles upon it and happened to read the one thing they needed to hear when their baby WILL not sleep like everyone elses and they're losing their mind (have I mentioned that we're not going to sleep well and waking up crying at night again??).

I need to find a way to strike a balance between chronicling this pregnancy (which I wish I had done with LM) and still giving LM his share in the spotlight. I'm not sure how this is done....and maybe I'll get better about posting more.

But, let's try.

I'm 7w pregnant today....exhausted, vaguely nauseous when I don't get enough protein/get hungry, cold ALL the time and still trying to wrap my brain around this scary/crazy/exciting journey we've detoured down.

LM turns 1 (ONE, did you read that!!????) a week from tomorrow. We're planning his party (next Sunday) and existing in a state of shock that we're here already. I'm crushed that I'll be at work on his actual birthday. It makes me cry to think about it. But, since I'm taking a 1/2 day later in the week for his pedi appt and then another 1/2 day the next week for my u/s and dr appt, I really can't.  I even thought about seeing if someone could cover my room for 45 min or so and then I'd stay at daycare with him until his birth time. But--I don't see it happening. I can't believe this year has flown by---how did it happen??

I read a statistic in a magazine today about how many Saturdays you get with your child between birth and then leaving for college---it was somewhere in the 900's but I hate the idea that so many of them are gone.  Bleh.  Too many hormones to think about this.

That's my update for today....I hope I will be better this week about sharing all of the thoughts bouncing around in my head.

An update

Sorry to have dropped the big news on you all and then disappeared. The news was just so unexpected (even though I suspected, I really figured I'd find myself staring at the stark white of where a line should be) that I kinda went into shut down mode.

I'm still pregnant (as far as I know). I go in to the doctor on the 13th of March for a viability/placement/dating u/s, appt with the doctor etc. Oh how I have missed my dear friend Mr. U/S wand! Physically, I'm feeling nauseous much earlier than last time...plus the exhaustion has started. Though...that might be work, a baby and life too.

Emotionally...that's a different story. And, I do realize what I'm about to say will probably cost me half my followers as it will be seen as ungrateful etc etc. But, it is what it is. I've been really really struggling to accept this pregnancy. Once the shock wore off (I mean come on, how cliche is it taking one time after all our struggles!), the worrying started. I'm barely keeping my head above water with LM...and now another? I worry about how it will affect him--he's used to so much attention. Even just pregnancy will affect him...when I can't lift him anymore, when he can't fit on my lap, when I'm just too exhausted to get down on the floor and play. What will we do about daycare? Do I leave a little baby and my baby with someone who I already worry about the ratios? Or do I start over? Again--changing everything for LM. I won't be able to take as long of a maternity leave with this one (due mid Oct) as I'll have to go back after Xmas break (so less than 3 months old). I had 5 months with LM because of summer vacation. How will I cope with leaving such a little baby? This baby is already starting off not getting as much as LM. 

Then of course, the hubs starts talking about things like moving to a bigger house/better neighborhood (it's been talked about before) and is all gung-ho about putting ours on the market (stress anyone?) and moving LM to the bigger bedroom and redoing his nursery. On top of that...he just keeps talking about baby stuff, logistics, names, everything over and over and over....and I'm just not there yet. I'm still too shook up. I realize how bad this sounds. But, it's where I'm at.

I know I need to worry less. Maybe the u/s will help. Maybe, I'm just processing. Maybe I just need time to get excited more.

No clue.

2

2 lines

2 under 2

2 overwhelmed and surprised to process at the moment

Smack.

That's what I want to do to my husband's head. He frustrates me and pisses me off. And....he's a good husband and dad. He does great things for me and helps me out a lot.

But he also frustrates the hell out of me. It's like he just doesn't get that I'm at the end of my rope with work and LM and not sleeping well for over a year. I know people have it a lot worse...but I'm just done. Done. Done. Done. And I need him to understand that. I don't need him to do more....I just need him to make me feel like he gets that I'm working hard.

I'm hard on myself. I find faults in everything that I do and I know that I'm not the best cook/cleaner/organizer and I know that I could try better and do better.....but I just need him to simply tell me that he appreciates what I do do.

So...since I've asked and asked for him to just give me some praise, a compliment here and there or heck, even a high five and it hasn't happened....I'm just going to hope that tomorrow brings about some gushy romantic sentiments that resemble what I need to hear. Or the stress of it all is just going to crack me.

Shh...

So...I'll say it here because saying it here means I'm not really saying it....just putting it out in cyber space.

I'm a tad bit late. It's all relative of course. For a late ovulater, I've had many (many) a long cycle (37-50 days normally). But, since things have gotten going again post-partum, I've been pretty much 35 days or under. In fact, they've gotten shorter and shorter until last month was 30 days--which hasn't been seen around these girlie parts since the birth control days.

Now today is only day 35 so it's not really late per se. And we only completed "the act" once this month due to a series of rotating illnesses, colds and general TH getting on my nerves. Well once when there is even a possibility of the window being open.

There are no signs that she's coming...no spotting, no acne ravaged face. I have been moody but hey, when haven't I been lately!

That said---there hasn't been signs that she's NOT coming either.

It's all in my head really. The odds of it happening like this are slim to none...and probably just publishing this will make her appear today at work.

I've got no plans to test. Just obbsess.

And now, I'm going to go pack some extra tampons in my work bag....because that's how life works.

Just a few things...

Just wanted to share a few bits and pieces...

1. Thank you all for reading...apparently my content is more "diverse" than I thought. Someone found it with the search terms "pain.ful a.nal crying". Yeeeeahhh....so I guess I should be happy that you're all still around
2. We pulled the trigger on a convertible car seat. I've been agonizing and researching and analyzing. We ordered The First Years True Fit Recline last night. Hurry shipping hurry!
3. Finished the last few babyproofing items today because more of our mounting things arrived--I know I promised them to you. Love love love them!---Mommy's Helper Tip Resistant Furniture Safety Brackets. 

And....I'm out. It's naptime and I must do something.

Pain...Pt. 2

Ooh...a two-parter! Aren't you lucky?

Within the big idea of pain, there is the idea of pain tolerance. A student in my class has pain tolerance issues...such that I'm supposed to report every injury, pain (real and imagined), incident that may cause pain and observation to her mother so she can watch her to make sure she's not really horribly injured. Really, what this results in is that she spends a lot of time down in the nurse's office, as she's not the most coordinated/graceful child and her mother doesn't know how to have a conversation that last less that 30 min (seriously, folks...they've paged me to the office before as an effort to get her to leave my classroom and she followed me there talking until the principal intervened).

But, I digress. Her pain tolerance issues were identified as a baby when she got burned badly by something that splashed on the stove and she didn't react at all. It got me thinking about LM's pain tolerance.

He has a cousin who is nearly, exactly a year older than him. He'll turn 1 and then 4 days later, she turns 2. Oh...and she bites. And hits...with objects....on his soft spot. But only when she's tired (riiiight). Anyway...but he doesn't really react. The other night we were babysitting her and they were both sitting on TH's lap. LM was patting at her (he loves her red hair) and, quick as a wink, she grabbed his hand from her head and chomped down on it. She didn't break the skin, but tooth marks were visible for a couple hours. But...he didn't cry. He also didn't cry the time she bonked him on the head with one of those fun incredib-blocks. Nor did he cry when he head butted me and cut his lip on his bottom tooth. He just smiled at me bloodily.

But--he'll cry when he falls over or runs into the table. So, I know he feels pain. I just wonder why sometimes he doesn't react. Is he too surprised? Is he too passive and just doesn't react when other kids hurt him (oh please don't let this be the case)? Should I be worried that he doesn't stand up for himself when he's bitten? Or should I be happy that his natural reaction isn't to lash out and react (even as a reactionary infant)? Should I even worry?

See...this is why I don't sleep...even on the nights LM sleeps well (which this week was, as part of a monster eating growth spurt I believe!). I know worry is normal...but at some point....the worrying becomes worrying about worrying and little tiny things like pain tolerance that surely...SURELY...I should let go of and move on.

I'm really not an over-anxious person...I swear!! True, I'm an over-thinker and that tends to make me a worrier. I'd just hate to miss something important because I didn't think (worry) about it.

Crazy??