Reality Check

There have been a lot of things in the last few days that have made me take a reality check about my attitude. Call it a combination of real life (Diana and her fight to save her boys, some of the parent/student crap I've dealt with at school lately---seriously, how hard is it to love and spend time with your child??) and the lovely world of fiction that exists in my DVR (Greys, Private Practice---I won't elaborate in case you aren't up to date). All of it combined to make me realize that my anxiety, my nerves and general worked-upedness are the wrong path.

Perhaps it was the unexpected way that PS came about...without the struggle with medicines, doctors and IF. Maybe I just didn't appreciate this pregnancy enough....I took it for granted. And, instead, I need the reality check of just how lucky I am. Things are progressing on target (although after my DVR'ing, I'm scared for the u/s in 16 days)---I'm healthy, PS is healthy, LM is healthy (though teething AGAIN) and TH...well he's in the throes of a man-cold, so obviously his world is ending :-) 

I don't know how this pregnancy will turn out. I don't know if we'll face obstacles or be smooth sailing like LM. I don't know if LM will continue to grow and thrive as great as he is....or if my worries will be validated. I have no idea what kind of children they will turn out to be---or whether their future teachers will question my parenting or be glad I'm in their lives.  I don't know if I'll maim TH for not getting his act together about things....or if we'll sort it all out.

I just.don't.know. And I have to accept that and start enjoying the moment. I'm going to miss things because I'm worrying too much. And I need to stop. I can "obsess" about things like cribs and biting (though, mostly exclusive things) but the "big things"....those things I need to stop worrying about. I need to gain more confidence (how? no idea) so that I can enjoy life more.

This isn't to say I won't worry or complain...I think that's who I am. But--I'm done being anxious about whether having 2 under 2 will eventually do me in mentally, emotionally and physically. It is what it is and I need to be more grateful.

Today

Accomplishments of the day:

• Laundry done and actually put away
• Toenails painted (FINALLY!)
• Maternity jeans dug out and on :-)
• Large bowl of ice cream....gone!

See...I'm trying to be more positive :-)

Unraveling around the edges

It's been rough here lately....LM isn't sleeping well for reasons unknown, TH and I are arguing about a family reunion, my lack of energy aka desire to do anything domestic and various other things, work is super stressful with end of the year assessments and a class that honestly, has exhausted my spirit this year. I feel at the edge of something...something not good. Between the hormones and the stress, I'm a crying mess lately. I just feel like I'm unraveling.

And then, I missed my blogiversary. Because I thought that Blogger notified you/reminded you/sent a singing telegram or something. And it just crushed me. All the reminders about how last spring I felt hope as a parent, had time to blog and just in general didn't feel like my life was running away from....thinking back to where I was a year ago and how I feel now...it was just too much. I had been looking forward to the date and reflecting...and then I missed it. And then I reflected anyway...and I'm sad about things.

I can't seem to figure out how to balance motherhood/wifehood/selfhood. I try to be a good mother and i end up neglecting work or not making a dinner that a college freshman couldn't whip up. I try to focus more at work and take on more...and I drop the ball because I'm too tired. I try to be a better wife and work harder and making homemade meals, not forgetting to take the laundry out of the dryer, not wearing ratty pjs every night etc etc...and then he says something (inadvertent/intentional or not) and it strips all my confidence away and my desire to try.

I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well consistently in about a year and a half. With the added pregnancy brain and exhaustion....it's bad. Just really bad. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and find clothes that match (and fit). I feel my brain sitting there all wrung out and dried up and I have no idea what to do about it. I cried and cried the other night while laying on the floor of LM's room, letting him rub on my hand while he tried to get back to sleep (which he was up for no reason whatsoever that I could tell)...I just felt like such a failure. Why can I not figure out what he needs to sleep better? Why am I still fighting this at this age? NO ONE talks about babies who don't STTN at almost 14 months. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't....we're going on vacation with family soon and I'm already feeling mortified that he sleeps so badly...when it seems to come so easily to others. And TH...he tries to be understanding (and he does get it when LM is sick or teething or has had an off nap day etc) but the battle over him waking up crying for no reason in the middle of the night (or an hour after he goes down OR at 430 in the morning----you get my point) is getting old. His answer when I'm upset and feeling useless about it is that surely there's solutions out there and I must not be reading/researching it enough......UM first off, I have and I've tried things. But there's no real manual. AND 2nd---when do I have time to do all this reading? I barely can keep up with my blog,  FB and DD group (both, though I'm iffy on the October one...drama mamas it seems). And when I tell him it makes me feel  inadequate or like a bad mom...he reacts like a guy and not with the reassurance I need. And I've asked for it...but it seems false then.

I just feel like a bad mom for not being "better". My brain is all I have...I'm not coordinated, I'm not a jock, I'm not artistic or a good cook, I don't make things/sew/create....I'm just the smart person. That's been my role as long as I can remember. I'm the one you want on your trivia team. But now...with the exhaustion and emotion....the baby raising and baby growing...my brain is betraying me and I'm not the smart one anymore. I'm sluggish and I forget things. And it eats at my confidence more.

I have no idea how we're going to manage two babies. No idea. I feel like it's just not possible...I'm not good enough at one....let along two. I'm just unraveling and I need this feeling to stop.

Here, mostly.

Sorry for being so MIA.

LM is still not sleeping well at night....our best night in the last two weeks was him only waking up 2x. Well...last night he sttn but that has been the crazy fluke---and he didn't get an afternoon nap. I'm not sure what made it happen, but he slept 12 hours through. I'm hoping that it doesn't have to do with sleeping in until 830 the morning before...because we've got five more weeks of work before that can happen on a regular basis. And by then, I may have to be committed. The ever-so-anticipated 2nd tri energy boost has yet to arrive....I'm 15wk+1....surely it will get here soon! So, in the long-winded manner in which I arrived here, I've been exhausted and crashing to bed right after LM so I've been spending very little special time with my laptop. I've been keeping up with all of you on google reader...but it SUCKS to comment on. Unless there's a special way I haven't figured out besides opening each blog in the browser.  So, I'm here...and I'm keeping up with you :-) I promise.

Things are about the same here...LM is oh so close to walking (sleep regression?). He loves to monkey crawl to where he's going and stop a few feet short, stand up and wobble a few steps to his destination. He's strung together about 5 steps before toppling over. He's got the drive--just not the balance! He's got two new teeth (front, bottoms) and has been imitating a lot of words. He'll say "ot" (hot) and "dngr" (danger) while climbing the stove, he says "doki" (doggie) and crawls to his high chair when he wants to eat. He's also started crawling over to the kitchen cabinets where his bottles are kept and banging/crying when he wants his bedtime bottle. We've dropped his bottles down to 2 5oz'ers (one right before the am nap and bedtime). He did unexpectedly well at dropping the post-lunchtime bottle this past week so I'm hoping the early one goes well too. I'm just hesitant about dropping it as he doesn't really eat much for breakfast---mostly fruit and cheerios. Sometimes he'll do a thing of yogurt but overall, he's not much in to protein for breakfast---a few bites of eggs etc before refusing. So, I'm not sure if it's good to drop it yet. Any experiences with this? He's still hitting/biting etc for no real reason...and of course everything I read talks about what to do when they're doing it out of frustration (either because they don't get their way or can't express themselves) and that doesn't seem to be our case. He's really big on our reactions right now to LOTS of things but it's hard to just ignore things like hitting to get them to stop. All these things aside though...he's still this amazing little creature who amazes me daily with his actions---you should see him rolling a ball with his feet/hands up in the air--all the balance of a seal, my boy!! He's recently discovered his fine motor abilities and is rocking his gear toys and trying out a couple of puzzles.

Pumpkin Seed is still with us and growing well (well...based off my growing bump!). At my Ob appt this week, there was a strong heartbeat (quickly found too...phew!) and my blood pressure was good. I've lost pound...even though I'm eating like crazy. But, I tend to have this little person who likes to eat off my plate so perhaps my portions aren't what I think they are. That and running after him and a class of children may be having me burn more calories than expected. Either way--she told me to eat more....yes ma'am!! I went in to the appointment ready to beg for a 20wk u/s appointment for the "big" u/s since my next two appts. are 18wks and 22wks. Since I'll be out of town on vacation (oh please go better than last years) during week 22, I really was hoping she'd let me come in earlier (around 20wks) so I didn't have to wait until 23wks. But--because she rocks, as soon as she looked at the calendar (ok...I assume she looked at the calendar. It's all on her laptop but I imagine it was a calendar), she said ooh next appointment is u/s time! Yay!!! I'm super excited for getting to find out what we're having in just 4weeks!!!! I really thought I'd end up waiting until the end of May or worse, June. Though I haven't really given it too much thought yet--I need to research some more old wives tales in my ample free time to see how things are going compared to LM's---I'm going boy. This pregnancy has just seemed really really similar to LM's, except for a couple of things. But--that's another post :-)

That's all for now....I've got 5weeks left of school (the kiddos and I are both ready for summer vacation) and a ton to do. So, I better go get going while LM is napping.

Thanks for still reading!

Any day now....

LM must be about to walk any day now....at least that's what I'm telling myself is the cause of this sleep regression.....I'm basically a zombie. I feel like I'm getting dumber as the days go by...between mom brain and pregnancy brain, I'm one step away from needing a caretaker. Tonight I almost took teething tabs instead of my vitamins...EEK.

And to think, for spring break he slept like an angel....always messing with my head this kid :-)

Here they are...

Sorry for the poor quality---I'm too tired to haul my butt upstairs and scan them, so I took pictures on my phone.

The photo taking experience was fine.....at least the actual photo taking part (because my baby is a ham). The rest...well...let's just say that all of the small children, whose parents so carefully scheduled their picture time so they would be done and gone long before naptime but were thwarted by the staff running HOPELESSLY behind schedule, nearly rioted and burned down the store. But we survived :-)

Finally

We're finally getting LM's 1 year photos taken today....only a month and a day late :-) We were holding out a few weeks in hopes that he could stand independently for the photos....but alas, nope. So, now I'm just holding out for a cute smile. We're going to P.ortrait Inn.ovations instead of a more formal studio (like we did for newborn photos) since we decided we really only want one pose printed and they have the super good deal of a ton of prints for 9.95. Our original plan was to go back to JCP because I ADORED the newborn photos but with PS on the way, we realized that we couldn't fill the house with multiple one year portraits (plus all his newborn) with both children. So we decided that we'd still do a lot of newborn because they look so different then (and are cute and nakey!) and display a big ole one year framed print. Though, between you and me (and the internet), I'm hoping we find two poses and TH agrees to add a pose (for an exorbitant amount, I'm sure).

It's going to be a tight squeeze between morning nap (he may have to get up early), lunch and making it there but the time is early enough that I hopefully don't have to worry about pm nap meltdowns. If all goes well--I'll post a picture for you to see.

Hopefully, they're not like my niece's where she cried in ALL of them....but that's what she does when you take her photo, so they bought some anyway---for posterity's sake...and to humiliate her to future dates I'm sure :-)

BTW---if you know who stole my spring break, send them my way....I'd like some of the time back.

Grr Blogger Grr

I keep getting notified of comments that are being left (through my gmail) but they're not showing up on the blog....and earlier in the week, my post wouldn't show up in goo.gle reader.

Grrr.

Thanks for commenting....I know you're there even if no one else does!

Stealing a moment

Eesh...that title sounded like some sort of candy or creamer commercial. But, that's what I'm doing. LM is upstairs "talking" to himself to fall asleep for his afternoon nap...and by talking I mean intermittently making his "nom nom" noise to his paci, crying and babbling. TH is out with some friends playing garage darts and helping with a house project. So, I'm uncharacteristically "alone".

I could clean....goodness knows that the sunshine peeking through the window shows me how desperately I need to dust. I could clean up some toys (and by clean, I mean shove them off to the side). I could start some laundry....which I may actually do as it appears to be piling up and I don't want to spend my entire spring break doing laundry and trying to get strawberry stains out of ALL of LM's clothes. What I most likely do is dig through my pile of book--you know, the ones I bought when I was sure LM was never coming. I've made little in-roads on them in the past year (the Kindle has just been easier).

I've got big plans to open up the bedroom windows, crack the blinds (just enough for the breeze but not enough for lots of light) and read until I decide to take a nap. Even though I am now officially 12 weeks, the exhaustion is not yet fading and I feel entitled to nap if I want to :-) Maybe I'll get lucky and LM will sleep a long time (oh yes, even though it's nearly 4pm, I plan on letting him sleep as late as he wants...bedtime be damned....well...unless I can't fall asleep!) or TH will come home and tell me that he'll get him up when he wakes up and I can sleep. Well....a girl can dream.

There's really no point to this post (as I'm sure you've figured out). But, I had the opportunity to do it...which is so rare these days. And, my first thought upon seeing an infomercial for this was that the BeBe and Bella band people appear to have some competition on their hands and who else should I share this info with...you! Perhaps I need to find something better to watch on tv. 

The only other thought rolling around in my head is about bottles. We're down to 3 6oz bottles a day (before am nap, before pm nap--at daycare, later in the day at home and bedtime). He's now FINALLY drinking about 10oz of whole milk a day, plus lots of cheese/fruits/veggies etc. He loves loves loves his "babas" and I don't know what to do next...we cut out a mid-afternoon bottle already and have been dropping ounces to get where we are. I'm just not sure where to go from here....he's not getting as much milk as I'd like but we've hit a wall with about how much we can get in him a day. Since I don't know anything really (wish I had time to research) about 1 year old serving sizes/food pyramids and fluids intake....I'd appreciate any thoughts you have.

The noises have finally stopped and so bloggy friends, I'm out :-) Enjoy your Sunday.