Thursday, May 31, 2012

Procrastination Nation

Ok...so maybe it's not the whole nation, but it's at least me. I was chatting with some colleagues on the last day of school about how things were going with choosing a name, our plans for the nursery etc. Now these are people know me well---and know that I'm a planner, a bit Type A and hate feeling behind or not organized.

So, needless to say, they were a bit surprised that we've basically made zero progress on baby things since finding out the gender. And, honestly, I am too. Within 48 hours of knowing what LM was, we had a name, I had ordered a crib and we were debating which dresser. Granted, I had more time to research and we hit up the baby shops early on in the pg.....so I get that there are valid reasons why we haven't made as much progress. But, I worry that it's symptomatic of the struggle I've had to really get "excited" about this pg.

Don't get me wrong---I'm thrilled that we're having a girl and the experience gets to be different. But, either way, we're not making progress. We're going round and round about the name....we're close but having difficulties over how feminine a name should be or whether she should have a more feminine option. And no, don't worry---we're not going for Maxwell. Jessica Simpson can have it all to herself. Nonetheless, we haven't decided and EVERYONE keeps asking.

I've looked at 1000's of cribs...all different styles and colors. Once I narrow it down, I/we change our minds about what we want. Or, we love something and CANNOT find other furniture that coordinates with it or is the same style. Eventually--it all just looks just alike. We don't have a "theme"....not that LM had one. We don't even know what we want to paint the room.....just that LM's moving to the bigger room and there's painting to be done to both.

I realize all this is trivial in the scheme of life....I just don't like that I cannot make a decision. I'm not the most decisive person in the world....unless I'm focused on a project or something...and then I can be. It just feels like work instead of fun exciting times. I wish I could pay someone to make the decisions for me. :-)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The End.

If you're reading this after 3:30pm EST (US) then you can join me in being thrilled that I am officially on summer vacation!!!!

It's been a long school year...trying to figure out the balance between motherhood, wifehood and teacherhood. In reflection, I don't think I stood out at any of these things but did a good job at all...and I guess that's all I can ask for right now. There's been a lot of drama at work lately and I think a break from my colleagues (one in particular) is just what I need to recharge and refresh for next school year. Though, I think taking off 9+weeks will help me have a more positive outlook on the year...it'll go by much faster ;-)  Although, with next year, will come an added component of stress....I barely survived this year with one baby and half of next year will be spent with two (though maybe this one will sleep well, not climb on EVERYTHING and try to swan dive off while saying "nono" and perhaps not be covered in eczema and need steroid cream).

I hope to be a better blogger this summer....not that I'll get back to the everyday posts of maternity leave (somehow I don't think LM will go back to taking naps in his swing so I can blog....well, not without breaking the swing), but I'm going to try to be more regular in my posts. I've missed not being able to have this outlet whenever and however I've needed it.

Happy Summer!!!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Just not sure.

I'm not sure how we're going to do this.

I've been all wrapped up in the logistics of it all...furniture, daycare, carseat configuration, maternity leave savings, room switching etc. I've even been focused on the fun things---dreaming about decor, names, what to keep vs what we should buy.

But--as LM snuggled on my lap listening to his bedtime story, I realized that soon he wasn't going to fit anymore. Soon, he'd have to be a "big boy" and sit next to me to hear a story. Soon, he won't be able to lay belly to belly with me to snuggle into my neck. And it breaks my heart. I feel like it's too soon for him to have to give things up. Because once my lap is back, he'll have to share it permanently. He's so used to having all of the attention at home (daycare has been good for him learning he's not the center of everything!). I feel like he'll have to grow up faster.

And that's not what I wanted. Don't get me wrong...I'm thrilled we're having a baby. But--it's so much sooner than I ever wanted. I guess you could say that maybe that's not true or we would've been more careful...but infertility messes with you in that regard. He's just so little and still learning so much about life. What little Mommy/Daddy things is he going to have to give up because someone else needs something? He won't get to hand puzzle pieces over and over again to me whenever he wants--watching intently how I place them in their spots. I understand that that's life....but what will he miss out on? What won't he "learn" because he's sharing attention?

TH always wanted more than one child....I would've been find with just LM. I know it sounds selfish and ungrateful....I just have NO idea how we're going to be good parents to both children. I know there's enough love to go around....but attention? quality time?

I already can barely keep up around the house now...using all of my remaining energy after work to spend time with LM when we get home. Time for meals (even of the basic type) is already a sticking point between TH and I. I'd rather play with LM when I get home instead of jumping right into dinner. Sure, he can play with him and keep him occupied.....but I want my time---not the time closer to bedtime when the crankies come out.

I'm just not sure how we'll be able to be good parents to two so close. I feel sad and panicked about it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's all about numbers

Before motherhood, my life was my life (basically). After LM arrived, I began to realize how my life was revolving around numbers--all kinds of numbers
  • Eating every two hours
  • Then, eating every three hours
  • Weight gain (him), weight loss (me)
  • Waking up every 3-4 hours all night long
  • When we switched to formula, the number of ounces, time between feeds and total bottles in a day.
  • The number of wet diapers in a day
  • The amount of ounces of whole milk in a day
  • The number of times he wakes up at night (STILL)
Then, it became almost solely focused around the number 2.
  • 2 lines on the pg test
  • 2 kids under 2
  • 2 carseats in a 2 small of a backseat
  • 2 cribs
  • 2 sets of diapers
  • 2 to give equal attention to
  • 2 kids to not screw up
And now, after today, I see that the number 3 is going to play a prominent role in things....as in 3 lines.

That's right....it's a girl :-)

I was shocked and surprised---totally convinced myself it was another boy. So now we'll have one of each. TH went grocery shopping while I did the daycare run and he came home with a cute little girl newborn outfit set. I'm hoping not having to "reuse" all the boy things (and getting to still have that new baby buying thrill) will help me feel more bonded with this pregnancy.

So now, we're rethinking names, looking at furniture and plowing ahead.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Day for Mother's

Shouldn't every day be a day for Mother's? Just kidding.

I've been struggling to figure out how to write this post--I know that today is a touchy day for those of you still struggling to become mothers. The last thing you want to read while you are hurting is me talking about how blessed I am to be a mother.

However, it seems like avoiding it would be like not being happy to be in love around Valentine's Day because you're afraid of making someone single sad. Or hurting those at Christmas who can't be with their families. It seems like as happy as holidays tend to be...they also all tend to bring about sadness if you can't quite meet the requirements. I think holidays are inherently  tied strongly to emotions--both positive and negative. So, I decided to write a post.

Last year this time, I was giddy with excitement over my first Mother's Day. We had big plans for picnic-ing in the park, going for a hike and just spending a relaxing day out. We ate "specialty" items from the deli, watched little monkey as he napped in his stroller and took lots of pictures. I was overwhelmed with the idea that I was this little creature's mother and that he relied on me for everything.

This year, I'd like to say that I'm in a better place as a mother. But--alas--I'm still as clueless overall about how to be the best mother I can be. Sure, I've learned lots of things but with every milestone I hit as a mother, new obstacles & questions arise. If I've learned one thing for sure this year, it has been that I will never stop learning, questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I guess the only way I'll know how it works out is when he's grown up and something to be amazingly proud of.

No matter how you became/become/will become a mother, everyone's end goal is the same...to raise a child that is smart, emotionally healthy and a good person. Mother's Day is about embracing the mother you are (or will be) and becoming comfortable with it. It's hard to trust yourself, your actions and your decisions. Mommy intuition is not something that appears right after the umbilical cord is cut---it takes time to develop it and learn to trust it.

Perhaps every year on Mother's Day, I will be able to reflect on this and see that every year I've gained trust in myself and that what I'm doing is working. I want this day to be about improving as a mother and gaining faith in myself--not about tooting my own "Aren't I an awesome Mom? Please pamper me!" horn.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Having "the talk"

It's time to have "the talk"...I think LM's old enough don't you? I mean, soon he'll be asking how the new baby got in my belly...well...maybe not. I guess that talk can wait.

The "talk" with our daycare provider however, cannot. We knew when we told her we were pregnant that there was always a chance she had already taken clients for the fall to replace the twins (moving on to pre-school). To her, the ideal number is six...to me it's not---especially not with an infant. When we told her, one of her first questions was to ask if we were still going to bring LM back and bring the new baby. I explained to her that it's really important to us that besides LM, the two 2yos (well 2 in September) and the little girl 3 months younger than LM, we'd like our baby to be the only one she adds. We're comfortable (most of the time) with how he interacts with the other girls and the amount of attention he'll get----it's not 100% ideal but he loves her and she loves him.

However, she told us that she had already been talking with another family who was having a baby in September and would start when it was six weeks old. Now, even though PS will be born in October, I'll stay home until January. I know it's a lot asking her to go without the fifth child income from June (when the twins stop) until January....but in reality, the other baby wouldn't start until sometime in October anyway so it's really not that different. I explained that we'd really like it if it was capped at five (with ours being the fifth). You can't hold two infants as much as necessary (or as I deem necessary) and being able to have a free hand for the others (including LM who clearly likes to climb and get into mischief!). The family hadn't made a decision yet and she kept saying that she feels like six is her right number. I told her to take some time to think about it and talk with her husband and obviously we didn't need to make a decision just yet and we wanted her to think about it. When I came back in the pm for pickup, I honestly thought we'd at least chat about it again (she's a processor so this happens a lot from morning to afternoon) but she didn't. And I didn't...because I'm a chicken.

So...a month and a half has gone by. It's not like she pretends that I'm not pregnant---we've talked about my growing bump, she's said she's excited for us to find out what we're having next week. It just hasn't come up again. She made a comment last week to TH about having PS next year. But, we haven't had the conversation about whether that means she's not taking on the other infant or if she's talking about all six when she says that (why TH didn't use this as the PERFECT opportunity to talk about it, Ill never know). Also, if she says that she's going to have PS be the 5th, then I've got to figure out a way to make it clear (either verbally or contractually) that this means we expect her to not take on ANY more children (aka going over 5 including PS).

This is obviously not my strong suit---I'm not into confrontation (well, unless LM's safety is involved) and I'm scared she'll say she's taking on another and we'll have to stick to our guns and leave. And LM adores her...he never cries when I leave and usually strains to get into her arms right away. It's made going to work so much easier to know he loves it there---plus, she's disciplined so I know LM isn't going to run wild (that kind of spoiling only occurs at home!).

But, the end of the school year is approaching (hurray!) and we have to have the conversation before summer starts. We'll be taking him on and off throughout the summer but I need things squared away. But, I have no idea how to bring it up, under what circumstances (people around etc) and whether I have the spine to follow through.

Maybe I should just have the s.ex talk with LM and hide my head in the sand about this "talk".

Sunday, May 6, 2012

14 Months and 17 weeks

This will serve as a dual purpose post because...well....of course it's been well-proven that I'm a crappy updater :-)

LM is 14 months old...how'd we get here SO quickly!!!?!!? He's still not "walking walking". He takes series of steps (6-7) and then either tips over from trying to go too quickly or gives up and goes back to crawling. Of course, as the video below shows, why walk when it's much quicker to crawl?
video

He's eating up a storm...still a HUGE fan of lunch meat (turkey, salami, ham), cheese and strawberries. He eats most fruits but adores strawberries. He's beginning to insist on trying more and more of our food so I think he's expanding his world :-)  He's FINALLY drinking enough milk--up to 24oz in a day! After our battle to get going, it's amazing what the right sippy (N.uby Grip n Sip) will do. It's messier than the no-spill ones but he love love loves it. He still has a morning bottle and bedtime bottle (5oz) but we're about to drop the morning bottle. There's three more weeks until summer break and I'd like this transition to occur at daycare so that it happens during a structured, routine situation that he's used to. Our weekends are much more lax (especially with him sleeping in and changing his nap schedule) so I know that we'll be worse in the summer! Dropping his post-lunchtime bottle was nearly drama-less and we did it at daycare so hopefully it'll be the same. I'm a big nervous because he's not a big breakfast eater but I know he gets enough milk and nutrients so the bottle is just extra. I DO NOT have plans to drop the bedtime bottle until I don't have to work during the summer. I know it'll affect his sleep and we're finally getting back on track so I'm not messing with sleep!!! We'll try more brave attempts once summer gets going and I'm "caught up" (haha, over a years worth) of sleep!

He's playing up a storm---loves his books still. He's starting to "read" them to himself but he LOVES to pull them over to me and climb in my lap to be read to when he's sleepy. He's started climbing EVERYTHING....kitchen chairs, the stove, ottomans, baby gates, stairs etc....and won't climb down the correct way...only head first! This child knows no fear!!!

He's still pretty verbal--adding hot, danger, some random daycare names, basketball, monkey and duck to his mix. He sings (gibberish), rolls it up and claps when he hears music. He also dances to music!

We're still fighting the skin issues too...eczema will be the death of me. We just can't seem to get it under control---we take get it to go away, just not stay away. I'm not sure what to do next...I just don't want to go to steroid creams. I tried a new lotion (Neo.sporin Eczema) and it helps some, but we're going through it pretty quick and it's expensive so I may try something new next (we've already done aqua.phor, aveeno, renew etc).

Well...there's not much time left for a PS update....naptime is almost over. I'm getting bigger...50/50 maternity pants/regular pants. Most of my shirts still fit though. I find out what we're having on the 16th....eeek!! Still no real feeling what we're having...I feel the same except for a tiny bit of acne and more headaches (though I haven't been as good with the water as the first time) so it's probably going to swing boy.