War

Is it bad that I don't think I'm going to bother whether I'm building bad habits (with both kiddos really)?

I have just over a month before I go back to work. And frankly, I just want to soak up the newborn time so much that it doesn't seem important if I'm holding her for a lot of naps. Soon, someone else will spend all day with her and I'll be awarded just a few short hours every night to be with her/them. I know good sleep habits are important but come on...surely not that bad right?

I'm just feeling low today about it being our last (and yes, it def is). I'm so torn between trying to what's "right" for development etc and what feels good to me. I want to do better this time around. I know the mistakes we made last time. And I should be trying to not repeat them...but I also don't want to miss anything. Spending lots of time with a newborn and LM has made me see just what I'm missing and what I have missed by being at work (and no that can't change either). It's heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time (you know, because I haven't totally screwed up my kid).

It's so hard to know what to do.

Burping=my life

If I thought LM was hard to burp, man PS takes it to a whole new level. She's like the Ft. Knox of burps. I get a good burp maybe one out of every three times we burp her...which is super good for her spitting up. Did I tell you she's on reflux meds now? I'll get into it more another time.

The difficulty to do something as simple as burping a baby seems to be a projection of my life right now. It seems so much harder this time around. Being a mom is supposed to be harder when you're clueless and fumbly.

But this time, everything is harder--spitting up, breastfeeding, keeping diapers from blowing out, managing being a wife, hygiene in general etc. I trying to manage my goody two shoes side--the one that is used to tasks and skills coming easily and the same one that gets crazy insecure when something is hard. I know being a mom isn't supposed to be easy and it's supposed to challenge you. But, when the simple things elude you, it makes you question whether you were cut out for it all.

I'm sure these feelings pass. I'm sure that with LM it was all still such a blur right now that it never would've occurred to me to focus on what was hard...because its all hard. It's just one of those things I guess.

In the Napping House...

where everyone is sleeping. Except me---I'm like the flea :-)

TH went back to work yesterday. I'm beyond lucky that he's been able to take a full six weeks off with both babies.  It's made survival possible. It's also helped us bond as a family....that and been a pair of hands to grab Little Monkey before he tries to clobber PS.  He told me the other day that he'd been talking to a co-worker at a party who was about to have a baby. Her husband didn't want to "miss much work" so he was only taking off a week (though he works where we do and could do six weeks if he wanted). TH told her that he'd never make a different choice because they grow so quickly and you don't get this time back......melt.

However, now we're back to a bit of reality. It's hard with the two of them on my own.  I'm having to do things to keep LM busy while I'm feeding her that I didn't "want" to do---tv shows, YouTube etc.  Granted, we're keeping it low key...Elmo and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood (love the nostalgia factor) but still, it's not what I wanted to do. Up until now, we've been books and playing together.  I think that a lot of his imagination and vast (if I say so myself) vocabulary come from this. But--I suppose that's what parenting is...doing all the things you said you wouldn't in order to survive.

Today went well but it's exhausting to be "on it" all the time.  When I was home with LM at this age, we'd lounge around on the playmat--exploring and talking--while I jumped up for coffee etc when I needed to.  I can't put PS down where LM can reach her for fear he'll be loving/hugging/kissing on her and then go all smacky/grabby to her face (nobody wants the baby who looks like a UFC fighter).  LM and I had all sorts of fun adult tv on in the background while we snuggled and sang....and now, I keep it off or LM starts asking for "Grandma Tiger" (Daniel Tiger)....can you tell he loves it? :-) And his one episode a day goes by quickly!

I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of right now....somehow they managed to end up sleeping at the same time. And I got a chance to finish the coffee I started at 9am and go to the restroom.  But, soon one or the other (or both) will be up and we'll be off again at full speed.  I miss TH...for his corralling skills but also because I know he's missing out. PS is starting to smile (granted not at me or anyone who cares for her basic needs...but the floor decals on the wall above her changing table) and LM can sing the ABC song....they're growing so fast. My time with them will be over soon and I'll be the one back to work...missing it all. So I'll try to remind myself to be happy about the awake moments we have together.

But for now....I'll cherish the peace and quiet :-)

Happy 'giving

LM loves to say it this way.

I wrote a long, semi-deep post about all I am thankful for and then blogger ate it. Seeing as how my thumbs are tired and PS is now asleep....I'll summarize instead of redo.

•Baby
•Once my little baby
•Husband extraordinaire

Crap...it was a really great post. I miss it already. You'd have loved each witty word

One month today (already!)

PS today you are one month old. I can't believe that we are already at a "milestone".  The last month has flown by.  It seems like just yesterday we were headed to the hospital to have you.

You cry...a lot. And so do I. But, we're learning how to move along through the day.

You like to eat, though you're learning how to stretch it out (at least at night) from the near constant feedings you did at the beginning. During the day you eat every 2-3 hours (unless you are taking a monster nap) and usually start off the night with a good 3-4 hour stretch followed up with 2-3 hours again.  You're not committed to a long feed...you either eat fast and furious or snack a bit and fall asleep. But, you appear to be growing (or I'm just shrinking your newborn sized clothes from all of the washings) so it's all good :-)

You are trying to life your head up and move it side to side. We'll start more tummy time soon but you are already trying to move your body. You like to pull your arms/upper body so you roll on your side a bit--you love sleeping that way but only get to when we're watching closely. I wish I could trust that you'd be safe that way and not roll onto your face...because I'm sure that you'd sleep better that way!

You're starting to have longer alert stretches where you stare at us like we're a weird marvel. You like looking at the flowers/butterflies on the wall above your changing table and the mirror on your swing mobile. I'm not sure how much you actually see of everything, but you're starting to like looking. Sometimes these alert stretches keep you up from taking a nap at the right time and you get overtired, becoming our Princess Fussypants. We're working on how to figure out this nap thing...since we didn't quite get it right the first time around!!

You have a temper and let it be known when you're not happy. It's a new experience and a harder one than I expected. We thought that since we "knew" what we were doing this time, it would be "easier".  Haha! We hope the crying thing dies down soon.

You have baby acne to put all other babies to shame. We're hoping it's not an indicator of your teenage years! You also spit up enough to put your brother to shame...and he was pretty darn impressive.  We're hoping that you'll outgrow it sooner since you seem to have better neck/body control than he did. Here's hoping!!

You are, however, amazing. You're tiny and delicate. You have a beautiful little half smile and giggle that show up in your sleep. You look just like your brother did at this age...and when you wear his hand me down jammies, it's deja vu. You love snuggling up to your daddy and are big into burrowing close to us to sleep. This makes it hard to put you down...but I miss when your brother used to do this so I'm not rushing anything.

You've changed so much in the last month. I promise to do a better job of taking your picture and video-ing you this month...no "second child" syndrome for you. I can't wait to see who you'll be in another month.

Look alike, act alike?

My babies look alike...like super alike. Apparently that's how I make 'em.

See? Do you know which is which?

They don't, however, act alike. LM was laid back (though we didn't know it then), cried only when he needed something and (as the pediatrician always asks) "easily consolable". Granted, he didn't sleep through the night until 15 months but he was Mr. Chill compared to our little family post-script.

She cries--when hungry, tired, wet/poopy, sitting wrong, gassy, burped recently, spitting up, missing a sock, wearing a mismatched outfit etc. She is happy sometimes...a quiet, alert, "taking it all in" kind of happy. But, she is NOT easily consolable.

I'm exhausted--physically and emotionally. It's hard to maintain any kind of sanity while LM runs around, seeking attention and snuggles, and she cries. TH is home for two more weeks...and I have no idea what I'll do when he goes back to work. I have the option of daycare for LM whenever I need it...but I don't know how my mommy guilt will deal with that.

It makes me wonder what she'll be like when she's older. Everyone (you know, the infamous mob that backups all important theories) says that by six weeks (she's a month!! tomorrow) it peaks. So, hopefully, personality will start to show more and more. As laid back as LM is/was, he's spunky and stubborn, willful and smart, verbally verbose but a thinker.  Will PS's feisty, "I'm here world, pay attention to me!" attitude stick around or will she be the calm of our storm? Will she be quiet and watch her brother or will I have another early talker on my hands?

When it's the middle of the night and she's finished eating and has snuggled close for her 20min upright period (so she won't immediately spit it all up and/or choke), I watch her in the light of my iPhone and wonder who she'll be. Whether my little ones will be more than "look alikes" or if they'll be two individual peas in the same pod.

Time will tell.

How we're faring

Sorry that it's been so long since I updated last (though, the birth story really doesn't count as an update I suppose).  Things are chugging along here...every day seems like a bit of a blur but I suppose when you operate your day in 2-4 hour chunks, time probably passes in a different way than you expect.

I have found that I obviously blocked out the first few weeks of LM's life...or maybe the fog of sleep deprivation made it disappear instead! Every day is a series of steps...feed, diaper, attempt to get her to nap, repeat etc...squeezing in an occasional shower.  She is a fairly good sleeper--napping about 2-3 hours at a time when she naps.  With the exception of a few nights, she sleeps about the same at night, though usually closer to 2 hours a time. We were lucky enough last night to get a five hour stretch....I was so awake after feeding her that I didn't know what to do! No worries though...I went back to sleep :-)  She oscillates between eating like she's in a race and snacking/snoozing her way through a feed--though, unless it happens to be one of the rare times she eats slow and steady for 15min+, she seems to sleep the same regardless.

She joins her brother in the Spit-Up Club. I had hoped we wouldn't have a repeat of this and the sour smelling, wet clothes (both mine and hers!), the piles of soaked burp clothes and fear of projectile spit-up down visitor's cleavage (totally happened!).  But--she started even earlier! I haven't started eliminating things from my diet to see if it helps--it never did with LM and my eating/drinking has been so inconsistent in subject matter, I'm not seeing any correlations.  We'll see how she's doing at her 1 month appt next week and maybe reassess after that.

The biggest issue (and I'll touch more on it later in a future post) is temperament. Whereas LM cried when he needed something and then was done...PS just cries. She cries when she wakes up (silent to 60mph, full force), she cries in the evening, she cries when she's hungry, when she burps or spits up a lot, she cries if we stop bouncing her...she just cries. Now this isn't to say that she isn't ever happy...we're developing more and more alert time..she's just so much more high maintenance than LM. It's my fault mostly because while pregnant, I just kept telling myself that I just needed her to be a better sleeper than LM--that I just couldn't go 15mo until she STTN...now I know you need to be more specific when speaking to babies in utero.  It's basically been really hard to adjust to her constant need to be soothed. Really hard.

Helping LM adjust has been hard too.  For the most part, he's still getting lots of attention (TH is still on paternity leave) from both of us. He's learned to take TH  a book to read instead of just assuming that I can do it. Before, he never wanted him to read to him...it ALWAYS had to be me. So, it's nice they can share in it too. But, he's starting getting really upset at bedtime...crying and throwing fits instead of reading and laying right now (it makes me cry too). He's also started biting again at daycare (he's been going a couple days a week). Just little things that are starting to add up...and keep me up at night (haha, I get the irony of that statement).

PS is up...so I'm done here for now.