A note on delegating...

So, a friend of mine sent me this to remind me that sometimes it's okay to share and relax when it comes to doing it all.

"I don't do anything half-assed. I give it my all. And that's why I have such a big ass. Nobody ever died from delegating."

A little bit of Saturday night randomness...

PJ's with animals on the butt are my favorite...if only they made them for adults...well..maybe they wouldn't look as cute.

Also--when there are matching animals on the feet...that is even better.

Tonight, LM noticed that his feet had doggies on them for the first time (he has lots of animal-feeted/footed pjs). He just kept staring at them, pulling them close to his face and laughing!

My pjs suck :-)

TGIF

I'm so glad this week is over. Thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. There were just so many little things that added up this week....I was just feeling really low. Thank goodness for you ladies!

It's finally Friday and we've had a nice relaxing evening...despite LM having a cold and ramping up on the teething front. He stayed up much later than normal (even though I did faithfully try to put him down when around his "bedtime") laughing, playing and watching football :-) Then, he ate, snuggled up and passed out in my arms. I love that. It's my favorite thing.

I can't believe he's almost six months.

Thank you again...reading your comments on my phone at work as they came in really brightened my mood. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Oops.

Somewhere in the midst of all that is tired and holy (ICLW week came at a bad week for m!!) I missed my 100th blog post. Oops!

So much for my resolution to pay more attention to details! Thank you for all of you who have spent these last few months "listening" to me, advising me, commiserating with me and, more than likely, taking bets on how screwed up my kid will be :-) I couldn't have survived it without you. If you're new around here--I hope you're around for #200.

The last few days have been rough around here (TUESDAY!! It's really only Tuesday!!). LM's sleep pattern has gone all random on me. He's going down at a consistent time and getting up at one too...but in between, it's some mind-obliterating randomness of getting up between 0 and 2 times a night to eat. Don't hate on the zero though...it's rare and happened like twice but I cling to it as hope that there is a higher power. I just need some order to it all. I need a pattern. My body can't handle not knowing how many times it's getting up a night...I just need to adjust/adapt/survive. The worst is the 415 feeding...when I crawl back into bed around 430, knowing my alarm is going off in 45 minutes. UGH.

Then, there's work. The beginning of the year is rough rough rough...my 24 4,5 & 6 year olds are kicking my butt this year. Maybe it's the group or maybe it's that I haven't taught since February (and let's be honest...those last few weeks were autopilot, while I tried to stay off my Spongebob Squarefeet). All I know is that I feel my energy drain as the day goes on...and it makes me cranky. And I'm taking it on them. I just builds and builds all day and it's so frustrating by the end of the day. I know it gets better...I've just never had to survive this rough patch while so tired.

Then there's TH. We're both exhausted from school so we snap at each other. I just want to play with LM when I get home so I always want to put off dinner. Then, it turns into the "you never cook" argument and goes from there. He also seems to have ZERO sense of radar when it comes to anything remotely involving anything that may or may not result in having to pretend that I want to DTD. Because I don't. I'm tired. It still hurts because I'm still nursing some. AND..I'll say it again..I'm tired. I realize that it's not 100% fair to him so I try to accommodate but it just worsens my mood.

Can you tell I've had a bad day? Because it sucked. Big time. From greasy hair (boo new hair product) to losing my favorite student to not accomplishing anything before school because I.COULD.NOT.GET.A.PARENT.OFF.THE.PHONE to just in general feeling like I can't accomplish anything these days. Oh--and did I mention I found the jumpdrive I was looking for...in the dryer. After I washed it. Yep.

I promise I'm not usually this cranky, complainy etc. I have an amazing life--an awesome baby (even if he didn't nap at all at daycare today so I'm planning on him not sleeping well tonight) and a great husband (who really puts up with a lot of my neurosis), my dream job. But--sometimes...sometimes it all just feels like too much.

I'm a pusher...I push myself to be the best at things. And that doesn't work as a mom. I'm learning that and I'm trying to accept it. But, I'm bad at relinquishing responsibility at work and I won't spend less time with LM...so...I'm at an impasse.

A cranky one.

Tomorrow will be better. It's hump day.

Anyone know how to say "no" in another language?

I'm going to have to brush up on some of my old foreign language skills because LM is not going to think "no" applies to anything but the phrase "No "!! To him, it'll be one word. To him it will be what he hears when the dog tries to french kiss him (consensually, I might add), when he barks crazily at nothing and when he tries to steal his favorite thing in the world..burp cloths! No won't mean no.

And as much as I'd love to believe that my darling baby will never misbehave and thus never need to hear the word...I'm sure that he'll hear it quite a bit. So--I'll have to come up with a new way of saying it. Since many of the other languages of the world sound close to "no"....I may have to go tribal...or perhaps Sanskrit (is that spoken or just written?).

Or maybe...I just need a totally new word. Like "tomato" or "bop"...or something else. Those are less than creative I admit.

Any suggestions? :-)

Yummy in the Tummy

Last weekend, LM got baby food for the first time--squash. He didn't really like the oatmeal and we were looking to try and see if some purees would help settle his stomach and keep some of the formula down. He's been eyeing our food at the table for a couple of weeks now.

He has one of those high-chairs that sits on top of a regular chair and reclines/sits up to all sorts of angles so he's been sitting at the table with us at dinner for awhile and he loves being up there. So, last Sunday we decided to give him some. We went with squash because I'd heard that a lot of babies really love it (we also went organic which is another post for another day). And boy did he love it. He cracked himself smushing it around in his mouth. At first he made an awful face, but quickly realized he enjoyed it. He's so darn cute opening his mouth...when he tries to open it wide, he really just lifts his eyebrows up instead! He ate half the little jar in no time.

The plan is to do some puree at dinnertime so now that we're both at work again, we have a little special family time. When timed right, eating it immediately after he had a bottle really helped him not spit up!! Eventually, he can have something at daycare but for now, I'm keeping it as a special thing with us.

So anyway, we were rocking the squash and I was feeling good about it. So, we introduced a fruit. We figured he would love it--being that it was sweet and he had breastmilk for so long. But, LM looked at us like we were giving him something so nasty he couldn't comprehend why we would do such a thing! He warmed to tolerating it eventually---but he does not appear to be a fruit baby! Yet--I plan to try pears as soon as TH stops whining about how he doesn't like pears and no son of his..blah blah blah. Men are silly.

Surprisingly though (and maybe not to you all), the fruit did not help him keep his formula down any better--it just came up thicker and slightly different colored. Drat!

So we're on the baby food train now...I don't think we'll make our own because we're both okay with buying organic while he still is strictly on purees. I'm not 100% into/comfortable with baby-led weaning but I know that we'll probably not stay on purees for a huge stretch of time--especially once he gets teeth--and we'll do some sort of compromise/modified kind of eating. At least that's the plan...if I've learned anything..it's that LM likes to make his own plan!

Plan B

Welcome ICLW'ers!!! Please read the Our Story section to find out who we are and where we've come from!! Currently, LM is just shy of six months old and I just returned to work. Life gets crazier every day! I'd love to have you follow us--and I'm always looking for new blogs to follow too!

I watch a lot of shows on HGTV. Not because I have any gardening/decorating/cooking/domestic skills at all...but because for some reason I get sucked into them...oh, and I don't have to pay too close of attention.

I especially like watching all of the home-buying ones---from House Hunters to Property Vir.gins--there's something about watching people make a huge important life decision that I can critique and sometimes mock (seriously, some of the people on those shows have some weird tastes/requirements that I just can't help mocking).

I started watching them when we were house hunting ourselves years ago. Like all things me, it was something I was slightly obsessive about and this show was a good outlet. At first, it was all about the houses and renovations etc. But over the last few years, I've noticed different things. For instance, there seems to be a high number of people who are married couples that have clearly been married awhile and are "just us two". They're always looking for a hip home or a new location that is exotic, urban etc...i.e. not children friendly. They definitely differ from those people who talk about which room would be the nursery or where the swingset could go.

Before the journey of TTC'ing, it wouldn't have occurred to me that there is a high chance that these couples can't have children. Before IF, I always assumed it was a choice. Now I know better.

These couples are pursuing their "plan b".

It got me thinking about what our "plan b" was. We never flat out said we would do "this" if we end up not having children. It was always phrased much more "squishily"...such as, "Well..living downtown doesn't really have big backyards" or "The schools there are kind of iffy". Apparently, our plan was to be those cool hip people who live downtown (as if we live somewhere with a cool downtown!) and eat out at neat cafes and know where all the hip stores are. We'd walk the dog around and hit all the cool festivals. **Note...we're not actually very hip people..I don't think we'd be very good at it if we tried**

It's easy to think about the "plan b" now...with LM talking away in the swing next to me, intermittently projectile spitting up his bottle and laughing. Before, I didn't even realize we had it. When your heart is focused on finding a way to have that precious baby..no matter what...it's impossible to really think about it. At least it was for me.

What about you? Do/did you have one? Is it something you can think about yet? Is yours as totally "not you" as ours really turned out to be?

I learned a lot from my "plan b". I learned that it was something that we were holding on to because if we couldn't have kids, surely it would be we could just be cooler and free-er with our time/social life. It wouldn't mean it was just the two of us (and the dog) sitting at home DVR'ing Hell's Kitchen and House Hunters. It didn't fit who we really are. What would we have done in reality?? No idea. But, I hope that we would've thought about what was really important to us and headed down that road instead of trying to fit the stereotype of childless people.

Who knows? Maybe you would've seen us buying an awesome place on an island on HH International. We would've been the rational, reasonable about our budget limitations and easy-going ones :-) Suuure.

I hope you never have to use your "plan b"...but if you do--I hope it rocks your socks off.

Milestone Alert

I know it's been slowly happening at daycare but LM fell asleep tonight without being nursed to sleep AND when laid down awake. He talked to himself and then conked out....by 800.

I've been noticing all week that he's been getting sleepy around seven. One night he conked out on TH's lap. This is a new thing because normally he likes to eat at 7 and then play a bit, read, snuggle, eat again and go to sleep. But, this early sleep thing has come out of nowhere and several times he's conked out before he eats...so he wakes up an hour or so later to eat. Tonight, I told myself I'd make sure he ate first.

So, I made a bottle (so if he does wake up in not too long, I can nurse him...my supply isn't up to extra feeds anymore) and when he started rubbing his eyes around 7, I changed his pj's (he'd already spit up allllll over them) and fed him the bottle. After, he was sleepy but still awake enough that we snuggled and talked for a bit. Then, when he started burrowing, I put him down in his crib. He talked for a bit and then BAM...he was asleep. He's still asleep as I write this...so I think I'll reward this milestone with a glass of wine and paint my toenails.

I don't think this will be an every night occurrence...we're not there yet. But--it's a sign that we're moving towards better sleep habits and routines. And...I'm hoping that this leads to STTN....which by the way, he did last Thursday and Friday night AND last night. Maybe daycare slowly wears him out over the week.

Ooh and he's been napping at least an hour twice a day at daycare. Sometimes more. Yay sleep!

Hmm...I had more to say about sleep than I thought...who knew :-)

Who will he be?

Every year, I am surrounded by a group of kids (some more memorable than others!) that have a variety of personalities. Some are shy. Some are outgoing. Even at five, we have over-achievers and we have students hardened by life. We've got biters, criers and people-pleasers. We have pretty much everything.

There's often a lot of conversation about why the kiddos are the way they are. The whole nature/nurture debate. I teach at a low-income school. A lot of my kiddos have single parent families (including grandparents etc). There is a lot that goes into who they are and how they come to me.

When I think about their personalities, I often wonder how much of what is shining through is who they are..instead of just a result of what they've been through. Is the sweet little girl who always behaves, says please/thank you and looks after the other kids a pleaser because it's her personality or because she already looks after younger siblings, helps her mom remember things and has learned that good behavior helps her blend in so people who want to hurt her don't notice she's around.

There's no way to know.

When I look at LM, I see glimpses of his personality coming out. He's fairly mellow--unless hungry, tired or p'oed. He's a snuggler and loves to laugh. How will this personality develop? Will the things I see be a result of TH and I...or will he be his own little person? How do I get him to be a well-behaved, polite child while still letting his spunk shine through? Can I even control this...or is it all unconscious decisions we make?

I know he'll be who he'll be...I just hope that the best traits in him are caused by joyful life experiences and not a result of struggles and obstacles. I want him to be shaped by positive experiences. I know this is unrealistic...but it's what I want for him.

p.s....no matter how he turns out, he better open doors for women. Gentlemen are too rare these days.

Shh...don't tell.

Thanks for all your comments and ideas about my daycare post. We're still undecided on exactly how to handle it and for now, we're just going to wait it out and see. The newest little baby doesn't start for a few weeks yet and there's always the possibility that things will change. I'm going to try not to obsess and assess as we get there.

My secret for you in this post is a big one. As someone who is usually rocking the guilt train, this is a new one for me. I haven't been feeling very guilty about taking LM to daycare.

Now, don't get me wrong. I miss him all day long. My classroom is covered in pictures of him. I get text message/picture message updates during the day from the DL. I rush home much earlier than normal to lay on the floor and play with him. Weekends are sacred time--don't try to get me to do anything useful...it's all about LM.

But--I assumed I would be wracked with guilt about leaving him. I thought I would cry each and every day. I thought I would worry and obsess about him not being with me to play, grow and learn. But-I'm learning that this isn't the case.

Despite the fact she's got her hands full, my DL loves to snuggle with LM and that helps me walk out the door in the morning. Seeing him burrow into her and smile at me, I feel better. Knowing that he's FINALLY starting to take longer naps there AND self-soothe himself in the process (please start doing it at home LM! Please!), shows me that he is learning some independence (not that I don't try to turn this around by snuggling and cuddling him all weekend!). My point is, I suppose, that I see him growing and having fun. And socializing...the little girls are majorly crushing on my little man.

I could obsess about not spending all of the time with him. I could think about how I could be teaching him and experiencing with him. But, for some odd reason, I haven't been obsessing. Maybe it's because the start of the school year is always crazy (can I tell you how infrequently I've gotten to sit down??!). Maybe it's because I've missed working.

Whatever the reason, we've settled into a rhythm that doesn't make me feel like a bad mom for working and leaving him somewhere else. Will this change when I start to miss "firsts"? Or when he starts to seem happier to see her?

Probably.

But, for now, I'm enjoying the rare break from self-imposed guilt. It's refreshing for a change. We'll see how long it lasts :-)

Oh, and the fact that he seems to be doing all his pooping at daycare (seriously! I've changed one in the last week!) doesn't hurt either!

Like a dog

I awoke today feeling grouchy. Maybe it was because I'm 100% exhausted...this whole 515am thing is killing me. LM has been a sweet sweet baby this week and has only woken up once a night all night...and gone back down easily. Until last night---then it took 45 minutes...which isn't long...but it sure sure felt like it. And I have a headache...which means I probably need to drink more water...but that doesn't have caffeine :-)

Anyway--but then I went and let the dog out. He came back in and I tossed him his treat (the spoiled thing gets one everytime he poops OUTSIDE). I go back to sipping my re-heated yesterday coffee (yes, I needed some too soon to wait until the next pot brewed). I noticed that he was dancing around and playing, wiggling his tail at his treat. I wondered WTH dog, why aren't you just eating it and moving on.

And then I noticed that the treat I had given him was really two stuck together..and he was celebrating like he'd won some sort of dog lottery. And so--I'm going to get my attitude turned around and try to find be positive today (the second day of school always seems harder than the first) and find a little something to celebrate about...just like a dog.

WWYD?

Let me preface this by saying that I really like our daycare lady. She is super sweet, is excited to see LM and he lights up when he sees her.

When we signed up with her last fall, she had two twin 3 year olds (the person who referred us). She told us that she could take up to 5 full time children. All was well and good.

Fast-forward to now---she's added two part time 10 month olds. They're there a few days a week, for part of the day. So it's the twins, LM and the 2 others. I've been feeling a little odd about it all. It seems like a LOT to me. I wouldn't be able to do that all day and I'm a teacher! It seems like LM is getting plenty of attention. But--really, there's no way to know. I know that there's no way to give all of them the amount of attention that I think I'd really want LM to have...but that's a relative thing because he's used to full time mommy and daddy attention (especially after the summer).

I'm trying to be tolerant of it all because it's all new. We just started Monday with him arriving at the normal time and I know that it takes awhile to establish a routine. Oh, and I'm the one bringing the baby who spits up everywhere (multiple outfit changes) and refuses to nap unless held for more than 20 minutes (for her, us, anyone...please be a phase, please be a phase).

But today when TH picked LM up, she told him about a 3 month old that will be starting in a few weeks--the fourth full time child. I already feel like she's overwhelmed and taking on a lot. Another little one...littler than my little one...it just seems like a lot.

We don't feel 100% comfortable with that many but not so much that we're ready to walk (it was really hard to find someone we liked!). I don't know how to express to her how we're feeling. I don't even know if it's my place. I tend to not make waves but maybe we should be.

I want what's best for LM...but I don't want to overreact (or under-react). I've not seen anything that makes me think he's not being taken care of properly. Do I wish she'd hold him more? Yes of course I do...but I'd hold him all day if I could! Do I think some of the spitting up issue could be helped if he sat on her lap instead of a bouncy chair or boppy after he's done eating? Probably. But I don't know what's reasonable.

I basically just need to know what you think about it all and what you'd do. I'm too tired to think deeply...please share your brains with me :-)

Quick update

I was going to try to squeeze in a real post this morning...but somehow it's already six and I need to get LM fed/up. SO--bullets it is.

*Long day--up at 515, home at 7pm (stupid parent nights).
*Got to spend an hour and a half with LM...BIG DISLIKE
*Cried at daycare again
*He did fine--except for the not napping there thing and the spitting up everywhere thing
*Starting to have a couple concerns about the load of kids she has
*Too tired to think straight today

Hopefully I'll do better tonight!

*squints*

Ick. It's early...and I've already been up since 515.

Today starts our first teacher contract day...though technically, I'm still not being paid from maternity leave extension (thank goodness for pro-rated paychecks!).

I feel like the walking dead. After five months of sleep deprivation, no one told me I would have to make coordinated movements--such as makeup--this early. I'm totally down with blearily nursing while surfing the smartphone at this hour...but looking like a human. Yikes.

The real question is...what is LM doing to do when he has to be "gotten up" soon? Will he be a morning person like TH? Or grouchily stay awake up he can fall back asleep like me?

Ugh. I wish we had more money...or less bills/loans/national debt.

Five Months

LM is five months old--yesterday.

Wow! How did we get to this point so fast?

He is all smiles and giggles. He can roll from tummy to back. He love love loves his feet..sucking on his big toe. He can roll on his side from his back so back to front rolling is not far away!

He nurses at night and drinks formula during the day. He is still a big ole spitter!!!

He sleeps from around 8/830 to 730...waking once or twice a night to eat. In two days, when school starts, it will all change!! Who knows what the next month will bring?

Napping is the enemy at the moment--only 10-15 minutes at a stretch if he's not being held.

He loves his dog. His favorite game is "chase the dog". Mommy and Daddy carry him on his belly like an airplane and "chase" after the dog. He laughs SO hard...and it wears out the dog who runs like a fool! He is starting to understand his jumperoo--moving his hands and body towards what he wants. He still love his bouncy chair and playmat. He now doesn't always hate tummy time--especially with his good head control!

He's a big snuggler...loves getting/giving slobbery kisses. He's becoming a bit of a Daddy's boy--laughing and getting excited when he sees him. He loves following him with his eyes. He still loves to sleep on Mommy though.

He started daycare last week. He has a blast and loves everyone there! If only he would nap!

He eats a little bit of baby oatmeal every so often. He likes it but isn't really interested unless he's really hungry.

He pretty much rocks our world :-)

Looking ahead, our next goals/milestones are likely to be:
*Rolling back to tummy
*Sleeping in longer stretches--just getting up once a night, or not at all *gasp*
*Spitting up less (please oh please)
*Solid foods

Z is the last letter in the alphabet...

So, it would make sense that it's the hardest for us to achieve.

LM has become really bad about naps lately. The last 2-3 weeks he will only nap for a solid length of time when held. Even our old friend the swing still isn't a lock for a long nap. We've tried letting him play/fuss/put himself back to sleep...it just results in red-faced screaming. As a consequence...his night sleep has been suffering. He's tired early but overtired to the point he can't go to sleep. He goes down, wakes up, etc etc etc It's been taking hours---which is a new thing for us :(

Now that he's in daycare--the problem is exacerbated. He'll take little catnaps, but only if he falls asleep in her arms. He wakes up when she puts him in the pnp. He did conk out in the mini swing for her..but only for a short time and he was cuddling his burp cloth.

So again...overtired baby who wants to nap in the evening at home.

How can I help him nap better---here or daycare? With work really truly starting (early morning alarm clock and all), I am terrified at the idea of bad nights and having to get up and function the next day.

On a similar note--the burp cloth thing got me thinking...he does always grab my hand (or DH's) and pull it to his face to snuggle when he wakes up (but really isn't awake..kwim?) in the middle of the night and we go in to pat him or give him a paci. I feel like he's too young to take his monkey-blanket to bed. He still pulls it over his face....but he does love to snuggle with it in his swing. How old are they normally when they can be trusted with one? Because I'm thinking it'll help....just like being able to stomach sleep when he can eventually master all his rolling moves (and I work up the nerve for it).

I'm just really feeling lost about it all. Now that he's not home with me all day, I just feel anxious about him really getting enough rest so he's happy and healthy. Plus (selfishly) I don't want him to be uber-cranky when we get to see him in the evening.

Thanks for listening to me ramble...there's just a lot on my mind and I'm exhausted...ugh and real work hasn't even started yet.

How it went...

We survived. He wouldn't nap unless she held him (par for the course these days) and spit up all over the place but she said how much she loved his "talking" and what a good snuggler he was. That reassures me that he didn't sit in a bouncy chair all day.

I cried...but in the car. It was hard hard hard to leave him. But--he looked just fine.

When I got to work, there was a mountain of stuff to deal with so that helped.

What really helped was my wonderful daycare lady texting me a few pictures/updates during the day. It fortified me. She rocks!

TH picked him up and LM took a few bits to smile at me when I got home...but when he did focus on me...man, I love that smile.

He got sleepy earlier than normal..exciting!...but still had trouble falling asleep for like the fifth night in a row. He'll be asleep..then wakes up totally up. Rinse and repeat (from 745-945 tonight). Gotta figure that out.

I guess we do it again tomorrow...hopefully it gets easier each day.

Thank goodness he didn't do anything special/new/milestoney today!

Unraveling around the edges

In an hour, I'm taking LM to daycare for the first time. It's silly for me to be such a mess...I'll be less than ten minutes away working on my classroom. I can leave and come get him at any point. He loves everyone and will have a blast with her.

But. But. But. But.

He's my baby and today starts the possibility that someone else will see his "firsts".

Last night he discovered he could control his eyelids independently of each other and spent five minutes doing these weird winking things and then cracking himself up over and over. I got to see it and laugh with him.

I don't do well with change. Somehow I've got to pull it together.

p.s.--I'm also exhausted and run down but that's another post for another time.