Empty Nest

And by empty, I mean that I have packed everything in my house for our four day long vacation-----two hours from my house.

I get a big carried away with shoes when it comes to vacations.  And, have a penchant for spilling on myself, so I always pack extra clothes. TH loves his shoes as well. He also seems to have more toiletries than a woman. Between the two of us, we sure amass a lot of stuff for vacation.

BUT---holy monkeys!! I never knew about over-packing until I was packing for a baby. The amount of stuff we're taking is frankly, astonishing. And I knew we'd pack a lot of stuff.

LM has the following packed (because I know how much you want to know):

• 3 outfits per day---plus an extra couple outfits----so 15 outfits. That's two onesies and a romper per day give or take.
• 3 pair of shorts, two pair of pants
• 5 onesies to sleep in
• 2 sleepers in case needed
• 2 overalls---long and short
• 2 hoodies
• 2 long-sleeved onesies
• 4 pair of socks
• 1 big blanket for the floor
• 2 smaller snuggley blankets
• 2 swaddle blankets
• 1 swaddle sack
• 2 extra PNP sheets
• PNP
• Playmat
• Swing (yes, the full-size one. It's a big cabin and LM takes at least one nap a day in it--plus, if all hell breaks loose, he can sleep in it at night)
• 3 carriers--my Baby K'tan (swoon), Ergo and Baby B'jorn (for TH)
• Diapers (lots)
• Wipes (lots)
• Mini baby shampoo, lotion and baby wash
• Aquaphor
• Nighttime books
• Random toys (plus the ones on the playmat)
• Stroller
• Baby brush and nose sucker
• Baby monitor
• Breast Pump
• Milk storage bags
• 4 bottles (emergencies....in case I might have an extra glass of wine or leave him with my BIL/SIL for a bit)
• Diaper bag (of course)
• Every burp cloth we own
• All pacifiers
• Swimsuit, swim diaper
• And a partridge in a pear tree....

I'm not sure why I typed all of this out---it's late and it makes sense right now. Plus--someday, someone, somewhere will google what to take on a four day trip with a 3.5 month old!
BUT---we don't leave until late this afternoon---if you see something I forgot....tell me!!!!

There's a little wheel a turning...

...in my heart.

I come from a big family---which is impressive seeing how I'm basically an only child.  With marriages, divorces and more marriages, I have quite a few "sides" of the family. I've been exceedingly lucky that all of my step-families, half-families and everything in between are amazing (annoying, yes, but amazing!). I'd always been an actual part of the family---even though we don't share blood. This isn't to say that my "blood" family isn't just as wonderful. They shame me by how caring and giving they are---I've yet to become what they are. I still have a bit too much "me" in me---but I think that maturing and being a mother will help me with this journey.

All of this said (yes, I do have a point!), my heart is warmed by how everyone seems to love LM. Not just our parents (and step-parents), but LM's great-grandparents, great-aunts, second cousins etc all "hound" me for updates, new pictures and just to see him in general.  Being the first "baby" in the family, I didn't realize how much he would be loved once we added another generation. I should've known better--my family is wonderful. But--it still amazes me.

My cousin was over the moon that I brought him to her softball game--she took a picture with him to show all her friends. My aunts respond before LM's grandparents when I text pictures of him.

He's a lucky little monkey. I am lucky as well---and I need to do more to share that love and teach LM how loved he is.

Crackin' my *you know what* up

LM has an actual laugh now....a real big person kind of laugh.  Most of the time it's just little coos and baby giggles but given the right circumstances (and usually some tickling), he'll let loose this adorable, kind of guttural laugh. It actually appears to surprise him that the sound is coming out of him--his eyes get really big.

But, the laughs are few and far between. He hasn't discovered that laughing and funny things are related...or maybe he just doesn't find my jokes funny (hmm...I may have heard that before).  So, lately, I've been working on getting him to do it by laughing hysterically myself.  Usually, I just get smiles and giggles. But sometimes--he starts laughing and we laugh together.

Did you know it's actually really hard to laugh hysterically at absolutely nothing?? For a continued period of time?? Yeah. It's hard.  So I try to think of funny things that happened to me, or that I saw on tv. Sometimes I think about funny books or even something stupid I did.  It used to be really hard. But, the more I do it, the more easier it is. Thinking of things that make me happy enough to laugh isn't as hard anymore.

Realizing this made me stop and think about how much less stressed/worked up about life/work/baby rearin' I would be if I focused more on the things that make me happy and make me laugh.

Laughing with LM is so much more meaningful when it's sincere, from the heart and honest....just like his laughs always are.

Totally not a top chef...

I'm so tired of TH and his opinion of my cooking (or lack thereof). This isn't a new issue....because I've never been a good cook. Well...I guess I've never been an elaborate cook. Growing up just my mom and me, dinners were simple. Add into that one super picky eater (me) and the result is not someone who is a culinary goddess.

The issue rears its head from time to time but for the most part, TH seems to be okay with it. Dinners aren't exciting and I certainly let him have input (especially if it involves frozen pizza or grilling--his specialties). Tensions have arises lately as it seems like LM always is ready to eat mid-way through dinner preparation or in the middle of the decision process--frustrating TH and usually involving him starting/cooking.

But--it's really come to a head this week as we are heading out this weekend with his sister/husband/three kids to spend a week in a cabin. She and I decided on some dinners (a mix of easy preps and grilling) and I told her to just give me a list of what she wants us to bring. She knows I'm not the big chef she is (she loves cooking). I'll gladly do whatever she wants...I know it's not my strong suit. However, she wants us to be in charge of two of the four breakfasts. Not a big deal. We're basically coffee and occasional bagel breakfast people and they're eggs/bacon/potatoes/toast people. Luckily, I'm not a complete fool and I do know how to make things like that---I thought french toast and a strata. When I shared my plan with TH, he immediately went off about why we need to cater to their breakfast tastes when we'll barely eat it. I told him that while I understand what he's saying, if we show up with the bagels and canned cinnamon rolls like he suggested (and I'd be perfectly happy eating....yummy cinnamon rolls!)--then what happens is that I look bad as a "cook". It looks like that I'm not capable of doing more, instead of the meal being more indicative of what I'd rather eat for breakfast. I don't want to further sink they're idea of my culinary prowess. I CAN make hot breakfast things...I just don't usually because the two of us don't eat that way.

WELL. That opened a can of worms. He starts going off about how I'm trying to put on a front/show and why would I cook for them when I don't cook for him and on and on. I think it's more about rising to the expectations of the situation. My SIL/BIL and their three LO's aren't used to eating small breakfasts and if I agree to be in charge of one...well...then there are expectations. TH disagrees and somehow we're in this big "thing" about how I'm a bad cook.

Again---NOT A NEW REVELATION. It just only seems to come up when he has an issue with it.  Frustrating beyond belief. I know the issue is partially with me. I used to have confidence in the few things that I liked eating/cooking.  But, his reaction to my other abilities, these meals and my inability to do other things has slowly eroded my self-confidence in cooking. When I do want to try something new, I doubt myself (and see this doubt in his reaction to my ideas).  I know I should try to get over this and do it anyway...but I can't seem to.  I know this won't help me get better...and won't help the domestic issue. But, it's my hang-up...and I resent him for making me feel this way and so I don't put the effort into changing. Grr.

I don't even like to cook.
And I didn't want to go on this vacation anyway....LM still struggles with sleeping and gets overstimulated by his cousins so easily.

(I totally get that a lot of this issue is solvable.....I just am stubborn and sick of it).

Perspective

I was running around during LM's power nap (not sure what else to call the consistently 30min naps) trying to accomplish the ever-growing list of things I needed to cross off my to-do list, when I popped my head into the dining room where he was sleeping in the PNP (yes, it's in the dining room). Suddenly, I got that overwhelming swell of emotion that was 'oh so familiar' during those first few postpartum weeks. I realized that amidst the chaos and sleep deprivation, the sore b.oobs and flab in weird places, the constant second guessing of every decision and frustrations---I have a beautiful little boy. That--get this--it appears they're going to let me keep him! All of the struggles to get him seem far away most days---there's just too much going on to dwell. But--when I stop and marvel at him, I realize how blessed I am. And how easily our fate could've been many more years of struggle and loss. I appreciate my LM more than ever because of this.

I need to force myself to stop and marvel at him daily---not just because of how lucky we are---but because of how fast he's changing. The chubby rolls in his arms and legs, how long his fingers are getting and how he lights up when he sees me....it's all going to disappear so fast. He's such a tiny little guy (well, not so tiny anymore) and yet, he can turn me into a pile of mush in no time flat.

It brings tears to my eyes to think about how this time last year, I didn't even know he existed and now he's the center of my world. I want everyone to be able to feel this---it's not fair that it doesn't work out this way. The good people of this world deserve to be rewarded for the love they want to shower and the wonderful children they want to raise. There are so many people out there not committed to loving their little ones enough (I see it too much as a teacher). I wish I could share the love with all of you.

It's like I have it out for myself... (ICLW June)

Welcome June ICLW'ers! For a quick recap--I am a first time mom with a 3.5 month old little boy (my Little Monkey!).  This blog is where I share the milestones, frustrations and random musings that come from my sleep-addled brain! Please check out my tabs for more info! I'm so glad you're here! I'd love to have more followers!

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided to listen to TH about LM and his sleep.  Now, he is a fabulous father and I love that he does crazy love LM things--like sleep on the floor of his room next to the crib because they're "camping out". But, the man hasn't researched a damn thing since the pregnancy mood swings :-) So, a lot of the decisions we make involve me sharing with him the research I've gathered from books, blogs, message boards and various websites (I have a lot of time on my hands in the middle of the night!). Then, we discuss the options and arrive at a decision---usually the one I would've picked all on my own, but hey! we're a team here.

Now, this is all well and good...up to this point. TH decided that he was going to chime in his thoughts about LM and being swaddled. You know, that fabulous burrito baby look that saves my sanity by getting LM to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time? LM is beginning to become more wiggly (like that time he rolled over) and has been busting out of ALL of his swaddle blankets. He also is getting too big for his H.alo SwaddleSack.  So, TH suggested that perhaps it was time to transition out of swaddling--both at night and naps.

I really appreciated his proactive interest and it did seem logical at the time (it was early in the morning, I'll admit). So, we tried a couple of naps without being swaddled. It wasn't perfect but with just a few paci replacements, we made it to the 30-45 minutes we usually get out of the average nap.  We even *gasp* got one 1.5 hour nap--though it was after he was down for only 10min on the previous nap. So--Sunday night, being Father's Day and all, I agreed to try a night without the swaddle.  It took him awhile to settle and his sleep was restless, but it didn't suck totally. He woke up for his middle of the night feed early....and then added another one around 5. But, I figured that it was all the result of restless sleep and a big change. So, I tried it again last night.

I'll pause while you all chuckle to yourselves for what you know is coming.

Let me tell you....what an awful night. He was up so many times just fussing and cranking. I shushed, I patted and replaced the paci.  Everytime I fell back asleep, it started up again. AND of course, the time I finally sent TH in to do it...LM was hungry and I had to get up anyway.  Being exhausted, I broke the cardinal rule of trying something new....I gave up. I gave up and swaddled his cute little self up.....and got four hours of sleep in a row.

I know I probably should've tried it for more nights...I hate giving up.  But, I just couldn't take being exhausted. I knew in my heart that it was too early to give up the swaddle. He still startles himself when he's sleeping that way.  What good is reading, observing and learning about LM and his cues if I'm just going to ignore them for the sake of domestic teamwork? We need to wait longer and now we know. Perhaps we'll try again when he's four months or maybe focus on mastering no swaddling during naps first.

I'll take it as a learning experience....a tiresome one....and next time, I'll make TH back up his ideas with research :-)

I'm Getting Fresh With You!

Check out my new tab! It's full of great organizational tools. I've got several in the works...I'm getting a kick out of making them!

Check back often :-)

Daddi-O

Thank you to all the wonderful men who are fathers, hope to one day be fathers, or those who have stepped in to fill that role with love and kindness--just because they love you.

Happy Father's Day!

Inner Struggles

A lot of the blogs I read have been focused on resolving internal struggles lately. Some of the them involve processing the end of a journey, struggling with honesty vs. protecting others, accepting bad news and resolving their feelings of guilt at their happiness while others suffer.

No one plans to be involved in something that could hurt someone else.  It might be completely left up to fate/faith--such as getting pregnant when those around you are suffering losses.  It might have been a mistake that you made---either either a good reason or not.  It could have happened because you just finally couldn't take it anymore and reacted instinctively.  No matter the catalyst...I don't think anyone actually plans to feel like they're causing others pain.

But, that doesn't absolve us from the feelings of guilt that take over.  It seems to me that unfortunately most of the time that we're struggling with this guilt, it means that something good has resulted.  It might be something tangible (a baby, a job, money) and it may be something internal (self-confidence, release of pent up frustration etc).  Either way, just because something good has happened to you, it doesn't mean that you have to feel guilty about it.  We've become used to the pain and frustration of things. We've become used to knowing how it feels for others to inadvertently cause us pain. So, we worry about what our happiness will do to others.

It needs to stop.  Even if your reason for happiness is surrounded by pain, we have to embrace it.  FULLY.  We don't have an infinite amount of time on this planet...nor do we have an infinite amount of happy things that will happen to us.  We don't have to let good things be ruined by negative emotions...even if there is a legitimate reason to feel guilty.

Maybe the motivation/strength to survive the guilt and to survive the pain IS that little piece of happiness and good that has happened to you.

Mrs. Wishy-Washy

Despite being a fabulous children's book...this is also a description of me with most important decisions. I'm always worried that I've made the wrong choice...or that I've made one that will make others unhappy. Really--I need to just learn to have a spine. 

However, I do have a lot of opinions. So, it's not that I don't have a spine I guess...it's more that I worry too much about my decisions impacting others negatively or that I didn't think through all of the scenarios. 

This is an okay thing in many cases...but it seems to be a bad trait as a new mom. I'm always worrying that I'll make the wrong choice...create a bad habit or head down the wrong track from how we plan to "raise" LM. Will this cause us to go backwards in sleeping? Is it too early to try this? Should we wait longer to transition to this?  So many questions...so many ways to screw my kid up :-)

I know none of these are actually decisions that will probably cause any real long-term therapy consequences...I have no problem making the right decisions on safety/health issues.

It's almost like there are too many "right" ways out there.  Maybe I'm still searching for my mom style...maybe it would help if TH developed a style too...

I just wish I could commit to an idea/decision so that I could see the results---good or bad.  It's hard for me to do this---at the first sign of trouble, I second guess myself. Maybe I need to put parental controls on my internet searches :-)

I'm sure that as I journey through this, the decisions will become easier to make or at least easier to recognize as the ones I want to make.  I know we'll make mistakes...and they won't be as big of a deal as I imagine they will. I know LM will turn out all right in the long run...but man, it'll be a lot easier to make better choices with a second child!

Happiness

Happiness is...

• Cute, fat, squishy baby cheeks snuggled up against my neck nook
• Grandparents who love to babysit and marvel in every little coo LM makes
• Deep dish pizza
• A baby down by 945 (hopefully until at least 3) and a glass of wine
• Cradle cap finally (almost) going away
• This new amazing journey

I am not a dog...

And thus cannot be trained---contrary to popular belief (or at least my SIL's belief).

I'll preface this by saying, I could be totally being oversensitive with this...but, it's my blog :-)

My SIL has children...sweet, fairly normal children. Of both sexes and of various ages. She's not totally removed from the world of little ones. She loves to offer to give advice (and she does give great hand me downs!) but she doesn't actually give the advice. She just makes comments and pats herself on the back.

Just yesterday, I heard about how her children don't give overstimulated, go to bed by seven and basically just rock (well...that last one is true...I do love them!). But, then she made a comment about how LM has me trained! TRAINED--like I'm a dog. 

First of all---I really don't think a 3 month old is capable of purposeful manipulation to get what he wants. I do believe that he is beginning--BEGINNING--to make cause/effect relationships between things. But, I don't think that his current inability to nap longer than 20 minutes anywhere but on one of us/in the carrier is because he has figured out that he can train us to do this. I lay him down in his crib or PNP for probably 75% of his naps. You all know that naps something we've been struggling with...awake time and all.  He falls right asleep...he just wakes up after 20 min or so, happy as a clam.  He'll do this consistently during the day..unless he's napping on us. He used to even nap well in his swing...but now he doesn't. This is not him training us...this is just something we're going through at the moment.

I don't think this is all that odd considering he couldn't sleep flat on his back without choking etc for the first two months. He's only recently been sleeping flat on his back AND in his crib. I think we've made A LOT of progress in the last month. We're down to waking to eat once a night, we're slowly going to bed earlier and waking up at a consistent time (consistently early!).

I also think that pretty soon he's going to be moving and grooving and not want to snuggle as much...I want to enjoy these naps. In fact, it's something several other moms have told me that they miss! I'm conscious of the fact that in two months he starts daycare and we've got to make some progress in napping. BUT we've got 2 months. I'm not going to miss out on something special with my LM (or make TH miss out on this special time) because I'm worried HE won't be "trained" in time. I'm going to keep working on developing a smooth routine and that's that.

I know that everyone loves to give unsolicited advice---some useful, some hopelessly outdated--but what really grates on me is comments that are meant to show your superiority as a mother. This is not mommy wars...this is not a competition.  This is my baby and he's going to be different because he's MINE (ok..OURS).

I would love for my SIL to give me advice and help me figure out my problems/struggles...but it seems that all I get are comments that make her feel better about being a mom and make me feel worse. 

And for the record...LM took an hour and a half nap in his PNP today--which last time I checked, isn't sleeping on me...so clearly we're working through a phase.

Trained my a**.

It's funny cuz it's true...

This made me laugh so hard...and I can only imagine what it's like if you have more than one child and a crazy dog!

What It's Like to (not) Sleep At Night

Google Readers...

If you read this through your google reader, could you please comment and let me know if you see the full post or just a shortened feed that you have to click through? Mine had been showing it funny and I'm not sure if it is because I am the "owner".
Thanks!

The Mom "Type"

There are a lot of different types of Moms out there--stay at home moms, working moms, soccer moms, beauty pageant moms, drill sergeant moms, checked out moms and many many more.  I'm not sure what kind of mom I am yet.

As I as sitting at my niece's birthday party today, I was watching all of the other Moms interact.  I didn't really know any of them more than just the few times I've seen that at functions my sister has thrown. But, as I watched them interact, I realized that they were a different type of mom than me. Let's just say that they may border on the high-maintenance, high-pitched, moms unite kind of moms.  Now, this is just my description of them---sorry if it offends! I watched them and wondered whether they all started out this way or it became more of a group evolution.  If your kids attend preschool together, play sports together, do playdates together, you're really spending a lot of time together---especially if you all stay at home "together".  Do like-minded moms find each other? Or do moms adapt to fit their surroundings and available support system? If so--how did they change? Who were they "before"? My sister has a master's degree and is one of the smartest people I know but I heard her have a ten minute conversation about her hot dog selection today and I just wondered if her "old side" ever came out around these moms.

I don't have a lot of friends that have had babies...most are unmarried or married without children...or have much older kids.  There are a couple of friends who have babies but we've always been the kind of friends that socialize infrequently and (while we have a good time!) always say we'll get together again soon and never do. Is trying to spend time together with these moms an attempt on my part to mold to a group just so that I can have some "mom friends"? Or is it just logical to have friends that have kids the same age...regardless of the friends you were before?

At what point do you figure out what kind of mom you are....and how do the moms around you influence that?

Maybe I should've just had a cupcake and not thought so hard at the party :-)

Dislike

Today has not been a good day. Something is bothering LM (your guess is as good as mine...we've tried everything we can think of)...he refuses to be put down and must be moving the whole time he's being held...then he snoozes, wakes up, yells/cries/screams, gets jiggled back to sleep...repeat until Mommy and Daddy's brains are numb. Argh.

Roly poly

LM hates tummy time and will only tolerate it for a short time (especially if he can *gasp* see the TV when he lifts his head).  He'd been showing some leg pushing/back arching coordination lately, so we knew we were close to him being able to liberate himself...i.e. roll over. 

Tummy time usually follows the following routine.

LM gets put down on his tummy.
LM lays there like I've stunned in him into immobility.
LM lifts head and looks around.
If he can see the TV or his little bus, LM will continue this for about five minutes with a few ups and down.
LM gets mad.
LM tries to bury his face in the blanket---complete with snorting and snuffling.
LM starts pushing his butt in the air and pushes with his legs.
Repeat last two steps until giving up completely and laying there, head down, sucking on fist.

Until yesterday...yesterday, he pushed with his legs until he made it onto his side. After laying there for a few seconds (confused about how he got there I imagine), he leaned back until he ended up on his back. He looked pretty darn pleased with himself and got all smiley. Luckily, both TH and I were in the room so we both got to watch it.

Being a mean mommy, I immediately flipped him over and tried to get him to do it again....all I got was a mad monkey! But, I'm looking forward to some tummy time today to see if he can do it again. I may even try to get it on video :-)

LM is growing up so fast--I can hardly stand it!

The Shirt

Today I was finally checking an item off my ever-growing, rarely shrinking To-Do list....cleaning out my closet. As part of the daily battle of what to wear, what fits (or rather what doesn't) and what makes me feel the least icky, my side of the closet has been resembling more of a clothing explosion than a closet. 

In reality, it was more of a mass picking up off the floor, hanging up and folding than a cleaning.  I have already taken all of my maternity clothes out and piled them on the guest bed to someday box up.  Last summer (the week LM was conceived ironically), I went through and got rid of all of the clothes I don't wear, don't like or were too big (I had just managed to lose some weight and didn't think I'd need the bigger clothes...haha).  So, really it was more about organization than anything else.

I'm getting to the point, I promise.

As I straightened, arranged and dusted off (oh, my lovely high heels...I have missed you so!) all my shoes, I came across a crumpled white shirt.  I picked it up, shook it out and realized why it was down in the corner all smushed.  When TH and I decided that we were ready to have a baby and tossed out the BCP, I had such high (naive) hopes.  In fact, on a shopping trip shortly after we started trying, I bought a new, white button down dressy shirt for work. It had cute little cap sleeves but a cut that would camouflage a growing bump at first and accommodate a bigger bump one day. I was naive.

Fast-forward to last summer, fresh off a failed Clomid cycle and I'm purging my closet.  I come across this shirt (never worn, tags still attached) and see it as a physical embodiment of my failure to do what my body is supposed to naturally do.  It was so frustrating to think back to those years I thought it would happen so easily. So, I did what every well-adjusted adult does when frustrated....I balled it up and hurled it in the corner of my closet. 

I never got a chance to wear this magical baby bump accentuating shirt.  I forgot all about it until today when I found it.  I took the tags off, tossed it in the laundry basket and when work starts in August...I will wear it.  And I will remember that sometimes, life has its own plan for me.

And, that I should shop accordingly.

Phone Viewing?

Hate how this looks on your phone? Want me to switch it back to the web version? Let me know! Just testing it out.

RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND: Five Things NOT To Say...

Somebody remind me to reread this when I go back to work in August...

RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND: Five Things NOT To Say...: "We've identified our Domestic Enemies...and we're still finding more. From laundromats to ice cream trucks to critters and nosy neighbors an..."

Proud Mama?

I am a proud Mama. I assume you are too (who isn't?). I love telling people about the new things LM is doing and showing off pictures. But, I only do it when I think people want to know...aka care, or so I think!

But, when we're in public and people comment on LM, I thank them and smile.  If they ask questions, I answer. However, I don't gush. Today at the gardening center, a women asked me about him---how old, was he our first etc.  After we had talked, she just kind of stared at me...like she was waiting for me to continue gushing about the wonder that is my son.  And while his existence pretty much rocks my world...I'm not really in to gushing.  Does this mean I'm not a proud mama? Do you have to feel the desire to share with everyone how fabulous your offspring is to truly be proud of them?

Perhaps this is just my personality. Things that are really important to me, I tend to keep close. As a teenager, I always went on and on about my crushes to my friends, but once I was in a relationship, I kept quiet about most things good and bad.  I usually had to be at a breaking point before I started to share.  I'm not sure why...I just did.

So maybe, now that LM is in my life and the amount of love for him I feel is just so overwhelming, I just can't share it with others just yet. It seems so precious...I just want to keep it close to me.

But, maybe I should be gushing.

Well, hello.

She's back.

Three months to the day I gave birth.

And apparently, she's punishing me for making her stay away for a year.

I see why people get pregnant again quickly...to make it go away. Oh yeah, and to have more cute babies....but I think that's just a cover story for making the b*tch disappear again.

I wish I had a "dislike" button.

Two steps forward, one step back

Napping is becoming an issue in my household.  Just when LM is doing well at night (sleeping from around 10-7 with one middle of the night feed), our naps are starting to get worse.

We try to follow the EASY (eat, activity, sleep, your time) routine and generally we do okay. But--since LM usually likes to eat every 2-3 hours, when he only will nap for 20-30minutes but can't "activity" long enough to fill the gap without crankin' out....we're not doing so well. 

I know he needs to be sleeping at least 45 min at a time....but would fare much better if he'd sleep an hour at a time.  He'll sleep an hour or so around 830ish every morning but then does the cat nap thing for the rest of the day.  He wakes up happy and smiley so I feel guilty trying to put him back down to extend his naps.  Consequently, I end up with a cranky monkey by the evening...causing him to crash around seven and sleep for a good chunk....but not down for the night...causing in issue with clusterfeeding that I swear might push into STTN territory if we could only do it more consistently in the evenings.

So, in case my ramblings have lost you....I need him to nap better all day so I can have him awake enough in the evening to feed him more so he'll sleep through the night......so I can be sane (which really is the endgoal to everything in motherhood).

I try the swing, me, the crib, a carrier, the couch etc etc etc for him to nap on and they pretty much get the same results. At night he's in his Halo Swaddle Sack but it's too hot for the day over regular clothes. He can bust out of his swaddling blankets or swaddling him wakes him up...so they're not working. He also cannot be lain down drowsy to put himself to sleep.  He wakes right up and is happy go lucky.  The only time this works is in the swing...but that's a habit I don't want to be long term.

Basically, I'm at a loss. It's so hard to know that my baby needs more sleep to benefit him in oh so many ways ad I can't figure out how to help him do it.  I'm afraid of getting desperate enough that I let him sleep in all sorts of crazy ways and form bad sleeping habits. He'll be three months old tomorrow and from what I've read, that's the slow beginning of forming good sleep habits.

And here we are, on the cusp of it, and we're heading in the wrong direction. This is what I get for getting excited about him sleeping in his crib :-/

Elation?

I talked earlier about the guilt that I feel about certain "Mom" things. But, today I went out for a pedicure with a friend. I fed LM before I left, TH had plenty of fun things to do with him and a swaddle blanket all folded and ready for nap time...and I was only going to be gone 1.5-2 hours. I headed out and as I swung through the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A for a yummy lemonade to drink (see! I am trying to be good and cut back on caffeine to help with the spit up) I realized something....something very important.

I DID NOT feel guilty. In fact, I felt good to be out and about without the stress of possibilities of LM getting too overstimulated, getting hungry.....well, basically just crying a bunch in public :-) I didn't have to take a diaper bag, haul the carseat in and out of places....I just grabbed my purse and went.  I've been out before for things (hair appointments, a movie etc) but this was the first time I didn't feel guilty about leaving him.  I felt elated at the freedom.

Perhaps I may still feel guilty about drinking my coffee and surfing the net while he plays on his playmat (though most of the time I interact with him while my coffee gets cold)....but, I view this as progress.

Mama got out and had a good time! Hooray!

It's 5 o'clock somewhere...

I read a lot of message boards, blogs etc....I used to read books. Real books--in print. Not just the kindle kind at night with a light while I'm feeding LM. But, I digress.

A popular topic on all of these boards etc, especially in the new mom crowd, is breastfeeding and alcohol. This is a topic that everyone as their opinions on---some based off experience, some based off of science, some based off of...well..I'm not sure. But, opinions are opinions and, like all things in this blog, what I'm about to say is my opinion and not meant to offend or brainwash anyone :-)

I enjoy an adult beverage...heck, I'm a teacher, of course I do! The nine months I was pregnant (yes, I even abstained during the dreaded 2ww) I didn't even have a sip of anything alcoholic---I did a lot of smelling of wines, but I didn't taste. It was HARD but not something that I was willing to play around with. I have too many students with FAS and while I know a drink or two wouldn't have hurt anything, it was just a choice I made (like giving up caffeine and subsequently, a nice personality in the mornings).

But, when LM was born and I knew I'd be breastfeeding, I needed to do some research on drinking and breastfeeding.  After reading some science based sites, listening to what my MBM's (message board moms) did/do/have done and talking with a doctor in my family, I had a plan.

When I choose to drink, I do it in a high-class way----while feeding my baby :-)  LM eats every 2-3 hours and by then the little bit of alcohol that is in my system is out.  I am aware of if I still have a "buzz" and never feed him in under the two hour window or if I feel buzzed still.  It's not ideal to time having a drink with the next time he wants to eat, but my drink of choice is usually a glass of wine in the early evening, so it works out.  Mostly. The rare occasion when I know that I'm going somewhere that I'll have a glass of wine (aka Memorial Day cookout) that I'd rather not time out...I just bring a bottle. I also have emergency formula/frozen milk stashed at a couple of friend/family member homes where it may ever arise that I need to feed him and cannot.

What to do and how to do it seems to be such a hot topic amongst new moms.  I can't say that what I do is "right" or 100% safe but it's what I've researched and chosen.  I have the support of TH and this helps me maintain the self-control needed. Would I love to have several glasses of wine some nights? Of course!!!! Any maybe when LM sleeps more consistently to start the night, I will. But there's time for that. 

It is important to realize that no Mom should make a decision about drinking/feeding without doing her own research.  Gathering your info from multiple sources allows you to make smart choices--and with your baby, the only choice you should make it a smart one. This is what I always say after I share my opinion on this topic on message boards--right after I share with them the visual of the time my wine cooler was really really cold and so I held it with the burp cloth while nursing :-D

And now, I'm going to go have a drink. Yes I know it's early afternoon---but it's our summer vacation, my baby is hungry and it's 5 o'clock somewhere :-)