Bulleted Updates!

There are a couple of things that I wanted to update everyone and since LM seems to be going through a growth spurt and is eating like a champ...bullets are the best I can do!

• Dairy/Spit Up etc--I've significantly cut back on my dairy intake. It doesn't seem to make a huge difference. The biggest difference I noticed is when I have a lot of cheese. So, I may try to limit cheese....yummy yummy cheese.  But, admittedly, it was hard for me to tell how much it really helped. I may try again in a couple of weeks as he's still spitting up like crazy.  I'm also going to try cut back on caffeine....sad face.
• Crib--We're still sleeping in the crib. Last night was fabulous--he slept from 10-5am.  But the nights before tend to range the normal 3-5 hour stretches.  But, he seems to be enjoying it. We're still using the newborn size Halo Swaddle Sack and I really think it's helping him to be able to wiggle/push his arms but not free them. I'm up in the air about whether to buy a normal size one since he's at least 4lbs too big for this one.
• K'Tan---still deeply in love with my Baby K'tan.  It makes me happy and I get stuff done! 
• Weight Loss--I've been using MyFitnessPal and trying to walk more.  I walked 2.7 miles this morning with LM in amazing hot weather for so early in the morning and my goal is to walk and do ab exercises (my targeted areas) every day.  We'll see...!  One fabulous thing that I've discovered about the app is that you can scan the barcode on things to upload it's exact nutritional info.  So cool!
• LM still is learning to handle heat and humidity.  We got a little baby pool for him to hang out in (with us of course...and in the shade too). So we're hoping the more time he spends outside the better.
• I'm also happy to say that almost three months into this fabulous adventure...my hormones seems to be just about normal.  Trust me, there are still plenty of moments where I tear up or feel a bit crazy, but it's all about "normal" things.  Phew!

I think that might be it for this SUPER exciting entry. I'm sure you're all sooo glad to be updated.

Innocent until proven guilty...

Several of the blogs I read have touched on "Mommy guilt" in a few different ways and it got me thinking.

I definitely have Mommy guilt leaving him to go back to work someday (while having guilt about leaving my students for basically the last 12 weeks of school). But I think that's normal....

I also have guilt about when I leave him to go do things---even leaving him with TH. But again, I think that's normal.

I feel guilty when I let him swing in his swing while I drink my morning coffee...because I'm pretending he's really close to napping when in reality, it usually takes 20 min. But...hopefully that's normal too.

Normally, I feel the guilt, I process it, tell myself it's normal and I move on. But tonight, after I put LM down in his crib to sleep, a new kind of guilt hit me. Enough to make me feel nauseated. I realized that i was excited about being able to make a snack and surf the web with both hands etc. Then, I felt guilty because I LOVE holding LM after he falls asleep until we go to bed. His little sighs, snuggles and sleep smiles turn to me to goo. And, I know that this phase doesn't last long.  But yet, I was happy to not be doing it...right there along with the guilt.

I don't know how to rectify this one with myself. Milestones are important and transitions are good. Mommy alone time is good to. But, why do I feel like a bad Mom for giving up time with him on purpose? There are a lot of things I do "wrong" that are strictly innocent first time mom mistakes. That guilt is easy for me to put aside. But guilt that stems from me not wanting to spend time with this precious baby that I waited for and longed for...it's different. I'm sure it's normal.  Perhaps this is part of the growing pains of learning to be a Mom and a wife and a person who has most of her sanity :-)

I know it won't hurt him to not be snuggled with me. It won't impact his IQ or turn him into a sociopath. Lots of mistakes will be made that are much more significant that putting him in his crib before we fully snuggle it out.

What it is, is the first time I've realized that I'm choosing to put aside a special 'thing' between LM and myself, for time for just myself. I suppose it will feel normal one day.

Thank goodness I don't feel this guilty about taking a shower!

Monkey meet crib....

LM naps in his crib once a day (usually)...it's all part of my big "plan" for a transition to crib sleeping at night.  But, TH and I have been talking about putting him in the crib when he falls asleep after his 8-9 feed. Usually after feeding sometime in this hour, he falls asleep after nursing instead of wanting to "play". Normally, he snuggles with us or in his swing during this time and then he eats one more time before heading up to sleep in our room.

But--since this fall asleep time has become more consistent, we figured he could sleep in his crib until we go to bed. But...last night he didn't wake up again until midnight. So, I fed him in his room and put him back down.  He slept there until 4, ate again and slept until 7.  Not exactly our best stretches but I suppose that's okay considering it's all new and different.

It was really hard to leave him in there last night. I missed hearing him breathe, grunt and stir right next to my head.  I had to just have faith he was breathing instead of being able to open my eyes and peek at him.  I probably slept worse than him!! But--it's a step in the right direction. He'll be 3 months old this week and I suppose the time has come to start with bedtime routines. I don't expect we'll perfect anything until he's closer to 4 months but hopefully it's all a step in the right direction to start STTN.

My little guy is growing up.

Heaven

Heaven is sitting on the deck with LM asleep in the k'tan, all snuggled up on me.

This time last year, I was crushed by doubt about my ability to get pregnant. Days like today are a reminder that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one who psychs myself out. I need to believe that nothing in my life is insurmountable.  It may not turn out like I imagined...but I can guide my life to happiness....regardless of how different it may look from what I imagined.

Heck...if everything turned out like I "planned", I'd be married to my eighth grade boyfriend and be a lawyer....yikes!

To quote, "god bless the broken road"...

***BAM***

That was me hitting my weight loss wall.....repeatedly.

It's not fair that the baby weight flies off at first...especially with breastfeeding. Suddenly, you almost look like your old self. But, then comes the scary time when you realize that all the maternity pants are too big and all of your pre-preggo pants are still too small....even your "fat pants" (c'mon...you know you have them!). It's disheartening.

Then *gasp*--you realize that all the fat has shifted to the your least favorite places. While the rest of me appears to have lost baby weight---my thighs, butt and muffin top are glaring reminders that the fat has shifted. I won't even get into the stretchy stomach skin!

I've been trying to eat better...and honestly, besides coffee for breakfast, I usually just have time for a small lunch late in the afternoon. I guess I could eat a healthier dinner but frankly, it's not all that bad.  I suppose I should drink more water...but after nine months of water water water water...ick.  I hydrate enough to not affect breastfeeding.

I should exercise more...okay some...okay....more than once a week.  I was doing really well after TH went back to work---I'd walk on the treadmill (though not for more than a mile--eesh...out of shape!) or LM and I would go walk in the park. But, then the weather got chilly again and it's been raining...and my motivation is gone.

I have five more pounds to lose to "fit" into my clothes without looking like a sausage. I have ten more pounds to go to get to my pre-preggo weight. At the end of June, I'm supposed to be going away with family---to a place where the big evening plans involve a hot tub...and a swimsuit.

I made the mistake of trying on some swimsuits the other day (because mine aren't even close to fitting) and OMG...when the XL bottoms don't fit...yikes. And I'm too short to wear a one piece---I look like an oompa loompa when I do...plus, I'm not ready for a "mom" swimsuit.  But, in a shining ray of yay-ness, I filled out the size L top nicely---a never before done feat!

So, this is my wake up call. I do not want to feel bad about my body. It's not good for my self-esteem and I want nothing but positive thoughts when it comes to my baby so lets get the baby weight off!! I want to feel pretty, sexy, not jiggly for my husband.  I cannot keep breaking into tears in the closet when nothing fits in a way that doesn't make me self-conscious.  I'm going to stop living in my world of self-denial that is entirely built upon the "you've lost so much weight!" and "wow, you look great" comments that people say who haven't seen me since I looked like I was about to POP.

I am going to do this.

I've downloaded an app that lets you have "friends" that you can involve in your food/exercise tracking and come Tuesday (it is Memorial Day weekend after all....grilling...yum)...I'm going to get my bigger than a XL size butt in gear.

Six to the nth degree

Sometimes TH thinks I'm a little crazy....

Sometimes he's right :-)

But, as far a blogging goes, he thinks it's a little bit crazy.  To him, he doesn't see why I would record all my thoughts out there for everyone to read...or maybe he's implying that no one actually wants to read my thoughts :-)  Hmm..I'll have to ask him!

But---there are six of you that read this openly (2 followers, 4 Google Reader readers) and so I pointed out to him that there are six people out in the world who like to read what I write...even if it is because of the same desire that makes people crane their necks to see an accident scene on the highway :-) 

And that is six more people in this world who will tell me if I've gone crazy, share advice/experiences etc and, most importantly, know that my LM exists.  My FTM adventures may not be very exciting sometimes and what I write about may not be very earth-shattering but with so many people in the world, it's nice to carve out our own little niche--where to six people, my LM might just be someone they enjoy reading about.

So dear husband...crazy or not...I write. Because I can, because I don't want to forget and because maybe one day my special six will gain something from it, as I have gained tidbits from the blogs I read.

Can I tell you a secret?

Shh...don't tell anyone...especially TH.








I don't want to go back to work in August. I want to stay home with LM and be a stay at home mom.  I never thought I would want that. I LOVE my job--it's truly my dream job. Not only do I get to teach the age group I want but I get to be challenged and have leadership roles (a type A dream!). 

But, I can't imagine leaving my little guy.  Maybe it's that I've been home since late February (bedrest) and haven't really had contact with school or my kiddos.  Maybe it's just that I'm watching LM sleep right now and I can't imagine missing any moment with him. 

I'm not a domestic person---I'm a truly uninspired cook. I'm "okay" at housekeeping. I'm def not that fun, organized, patient, creative Mom. So, having my "job" be being in charge of the house and LM isn't exactly something I would excel at. But, it's how I'm feeling right now.

TH has no idea that I'm even considering this.  He knows how I feel about my job and how much I enjoy it---and more importantly....that we cannot afford for me to stay home. We both just finished grad school (Can we say student loans!?!) and just finished working on some house remodeling. As I don't know where this is going....I'm not planning on telling him....yet.

I need time to think and weigh it all.  I'm going into work to visit and show off LM tomorrow. I may just be reinspired once I get there. This may all pass.

Or...I may have a lot to think about over the summer.

Not so silent Sunday

Alright, so the whole "silent Sunday" thing didn't last long. I love the idea...but frankly, it's too hard to find pictures that don't "show" LM. While it's not that I don't totally trust everyone on the internet.....wait, no...that is why. I love my readers but just feel better not showing my LM.

So...on that note...I hereby retire Silent Sunday.

Not the outdoorsey type I see...

I do not like cold weather---it makes me crabby. Especially when it is accompanied by grey skies and clouds. Bleh.

The first "warm" day (in all fairness, it's usually 48 degrees and sunny but still!) my mood picks up, I crack the car windows and bask in the sunshine (even if I'm still wearing bulky winter clothes). While I know LM can't be out in the sun this summer (boo not being allowed to use sunblock until six months!) but that doesn't mean we still can't stroll in the park, hike in the woods, go camping, go places that are not climate controlled.

Or does it?

The last couple of days it has warmed back up (the 80's sure feel nice after frost...seriously.. frost in May..dislike) and we had the windows open and were enjoying the nice weather before the summer heat kicks in.  I love sleeping with the windows open and the breeze blowing by.

But LM apparently does not.  He's become crabbier and crabbier..melting down in his stroller, waking up cranky at night for no reason and just in general being restless and unhappy.  So, we've closed the windows, turned on the AC and hung out inside.

But is this a glimpse into the future that is my summer? With both of us as teachers, we love our summers off and make the most of them.  I don't want a miserable LM but I don't want to be cooped up inside. I'm hoping this is something that he adjusts to. I totally get that humidity is a crazy, icky feeling...especially if it's brand new. I'm not sure how this will all work itself out but until it does, I guess we'll be using our numerous carriers and lovely stroller inside.

Hmmm...not quite how I pictured it. I'll just add it to my list of things I didn't expect about motherhood.

In Love!

That's right folks...I'm in love! With our new bouncy chair (oh..and my husband and baby too but that is a given I hope!).  We had a hand me down one that still vibrated and played music but none of the other features (bubbles etc) worked. LM didn't mind sitting in it--but that was all he would do...just sit in it.

BUT--then we had the lovely privilege of having a gift card to spend (yay family!) and decided that we wanted a better bouncy chair--to entertain LM better and to use with (possible) future children.  So, we set out researching (you know how much I love this part!) and settled on the FP Rainforest Bouncer.

OMG my lovely blog friends, this one blows away the other chair.  Not only is it soft and adorable, but it has all sorts of moving parts (a "waterfall", little animals that move up/down etc). BUT--the best feature is the ability to either have it a) light up/play music/do it's thing continuously or b) the lights/music etc can be activated by LM batting at the hanging toys. That's right--CAUSE and EFFECT folks! As a teacher, this thrills me. And it took no time at all for LM to figure it out--don't you love a toy that allows you to brag about your kid being smart!

LM loves it--he actually bats at the hanging toys, coos/laughs/smiles at the moving parts and is fixated by the "waterfall".  He even gets so excited he bounces himself! It makes me sad that we didn't have this the whole time...I love it! Anything that allows me to get a chance to accomplish a household task while he's otherwise occupied is a wonderful thing! I even reviewed it on the site we got it from--and I never get around to doing that.

Archiving

My mother loves to put photos in photo albums, photo boxes, frames--you name it. My dad and stepmom love to take photos...that tend to live forever on their memory cards. My aunt loves to scrapbook and is religious about archiving photos in adorable ways.

Me...well, I'm sort of a combination of them all. I love to take photos (though TH is better at taking them) and I'm not too bad about getting them printed. I'm just "okay" with getting them into frames. But--really, what I have is a bunch of pictures of LM on my camera, phone, computer and in a pile of prints on the dining room table.

I don't want all of my memories of LM to be in a format where they can easily disappear. They can't live on my computer forever. So today, fueled with a fairly good night's sleep and a big mug of coffee, I've started organizing and uploading my photos.

I am going to make a photo book. To me, photo albums themselves are too archaic and then you have original prints that can easily be destroyed. I love the idea of making photo books to chronicle LM's journey through life.

Unfortunately, I've hit a creative wall.  I can't decide how to group things.  I could make a book of newborn photos--hospital photos, visitors, first few weeks at home etc.  I could make one for the first three months (we're super close). Or maybe I should be trying to make one that I add to for the first year.  I just don't know. I've hit a wall. I know there's only like five people that read this blog so while I'd love to hear any suggestions you might have, I'm also hoping that just typing this all out lets my brain work it out. You know--like sleeping on a problem.

Until I can bust through the wall...I'll just keep fiddling with shutter.fly.  But--at least that's one step further than I was yesterday! Hurray progress!

Eight more weekdays..

TH has eight more school days left until summer break starts. I'll admit...it's weird to not be counting it down with all of the other teachers--I'm in this weird place where time isn't really time and every day is sorta the same.

That said--in eight more days, I get TH home with us every day until *gulp* we both go back to work in August. I'm looking forward to having another pair of hands for holding and diaper changes. And, I'm REALLY looking forward to the two of them getting the bonding time that LM and I have all day now.  LM is changing and growing at such an amazing rate right now and it's going to be a great summer together.

However....I'll admit, I'm a bit nervous about it all. We've got our little "routines" down during the day.  Things always get a little thrown off on the weekends when TH is home. LM and I play, hangout and in general, have our own way about things. It'll be weird having that all change....and I'm sure it'll mess with his nighttime sleep schedule. Of course, getting up every two hours like we did last night really can't get much worse :-) 

I'm sure it will be great for all three of us to be together....and I'm sure there will be days when I'm ready to wring TH's neck :-)

Too many cooks...

Like I've mentioned in previous entries, I learn from a variety of "experts" in the form of other moms on the message boards I visit.  There's usually someone who has experienced what I'm curious about or is having the same issue.  It's also a forum for people to share the tips, techniques and theories they're subscribing to.

The most common topic that moms have a "theory" on is sleeping. From the Baby Whisperer, to Happiest Baby to Babywise--and everything in between--there is a sleep technique/theory book for everyone.  A lot of the time, what works is a combination of the techniques. MMBM (my message board moms) are quick to share what they're doing, what works...and what doesn't.  When I read about someone implementing something that is working great for them, it makes me want to try it right away. There are a lot of great solutions out there.

My problem is that I seem to make it worse when I try to make it better. We tend towards the E.A.S.Y method (eat, activity, sleep, your time) and a lot of the time it works for us. LO has gotten down the routine of staying awake after eating during the day and showing his sleepy cues to me as the evening wears on by wanting to snuggle after eating instead of "playing". We had been doing a last feeding around 9 or 930ish and letting him sleep on me until going to bed with us around 1000-1030. This was giving us a 3-5 hour stretch to start the night and then being up to eat around 3-4 usually and sleeping again until 5-6 when LH is getting around for work (ahh..gotta love maternity leave!). I even got those two elusive nights of 7-8 hours.

But then....then....I messed it up. I tried putting him down earlier, putting him down in his room...you name it...I effed it up.  I started reading too many techniques about how to increase sleep both in quantity and quality and what time everyone else's LO's are heading to bed (usually 7-8)...and it got me worrying that I was doing something wrong. So then I messed with it...and messed it up. And today I'm exhausted because he slept horrible last night and was even up wanting to snuggle for hours.

*sigh* I'm not sure what to do...whether I should just wing it and go with what is working or if I need to find a technique and stick with it until it works for us....anyone know what to do?

Coffee, dairy and all lovely things

At LM's two month appointment, the pediatrician suggested that while LM's constant spit-up wasn't painful reflux---he's definitely a happy spitter...grinning after he does it most of the time---it still might be something that we could help control more. She said that quite often dairy, caffeine and chocolate can aggravate the spit-up reflex.  She suggested trying to cut back or go dairy free first for 3-5 days...in her personal experience she said removing yogurt alone made a big difference with her little ones. 

Now I love all things dairy---cheese, milk, yogurt, chocolate, coffee creamer etc.  But--LM spits up a lot.  While it's mostly just an inconvenience---outfit changes, laundry, carpet cleaning, covering guests in burp clothes from head to toe--LM does do a lot of grunting before he spits up, especially at night, and it affects his sleep.

So...starting today...I'm going to try to go 95% dairy free. Why not 100% you ask? Well, for starters, apparently there is dairy protein hidden in a lot of foods and I don't have time to run around reading labels! But also, I'm not giving up my coffee creamer!! I just can't! This also allows for a little leeway if something I want to have for dinner has dairy in it....like a pizza or mac n cheese. Plus---chocolate has dairy in it and sometimes a girl just needs chocolate.

It's going to be hard to do---especially because I might forget! But, I'm looking forward to seeing if it helps LM spit up less. If this helps him spit up less, feel better and sleep better....I'm going for it.

I'll keep you updated on what I observe!

Silent Sunday

I'm going to try and see how many of these I can remember to do.

It's amazing....

that people used to have babies before the internet. AND raise them to be mostly functioning members of society!!

Now, we visit message boards, blogs and websites to gain insight, facts and learn from other's screw-ups. We consult Dr. Google before/after/instead of a medical doctor. We shamelessly live vicariously through the blogs we follow.

When we were TTC, the internet taught me about my fertility, led me to blogs, gave me statistics and guided me to Fertil.ity Fr.iend where I charted away, while joining in on all of the message board action that included analyzing each other's pee sticks (OPK, Pregnancy etc), discussing symptoms (both real and imaginary!) and propping each other up when another cycle failed.  While I spent time on many a message board site, this one remained my favorite--if not for the information but for the lack of snarkiness that is so abundant on many sites.

Once we became pregnant, the internet advised me on beta numbers, pregnancy symptoms, nutrition and what to expect.  I researched everything I needed for a baby and learned to adjust my expectations by reading reviews. It gave me my Due Date board...where we supported each other through losses, scares and the sharing of waaayy too much personal/bodily information :-) The reactions of these ladies to the birth of LM were more excited than some of my family! In fact, they knew my water had broken before TH...as I chose to let him sleep while I analyzed with them about whether the *pop* I heard meant that those small gushes in fact meant that LM was on the way.

Now that LM is here, the internet still connects me with these ladies--except now we share baby questions, sleep deprivation woes and ask/give advice about the "unique" things our babies do that freak us out. Between Dr. Google and them, I usually have my baby questions answered long before I have to call the pediatrician. The internet gives me a way to share pictures and videos with my family all over the country. And it gives me a way to blog my life with LM.

I know that babies were born before the internet...and raised....but man, I'm glad I didn't live during those times!

And then there were six....

I slightly obsessively (what! you..no way!!) researched baby gear once we got out of the first trimester and I felt "safe" to think that way.  TH has an annoying habit of going to bed really early (even though we both work in the same field and I get up earlier...somehow his day is more tiring) and mix that with a little pregnancy insomnia and you get lots of baby gear research time! I've already shared with you my love of my stroller (pause for moment of reflection upon its loveliness). But one of the other things I researched the heck out of was carriers.

I knew there were a ton of kinds...and I knew that a lot of them wouldn't fit our lifestyle.  I didn't want to be a full-on baby-wearer (I commend those of you who are, I just knew I wouldn't be) but I wanted a carrier (or two) that I could use to be close to my little one and would have some lasting time.  I also knew I wanted to avoid the kinds that would cause me to kill my own child...ya know, I'm practical like that!

I read B.aby Ba.rgains (aka the bible of baby stuff), I googled, I spent time on the AP board on theB.ump and various other baby-wearing sites (I've got some great links if you're interested--email me!).  Finally, I decided that I wanted a ring sling and a baby k'tan.  The BK I knew would be good for the beginning and the ring sling would be great for the summer when he had good head control and would want to look around.

Thus began the next phase...buying. Oh wait...somehow it didn't happen. I'm not sure what got in the way...TH wasn't thrilled with the idea of spending the money on them, I couldn't commit to a ring sling pattern, I started second guessing k'tan vs moby etc etc...the result was that LM was born and all I had was a hand me down hotsling.

I figured out pretty quick that if I was going to get anything done, I needed to be able to wear LM. He loved sleeping tummy to tummy on me.  This was fine when TH was home on paternity leave...but once he went back, I realized I needed to move on this.  That's when things got out of hand....

I tried the hotsling and tried it and tried it. I watched YTube videos, read directions etc...only to come to the (duh!) realization that these are sized slings and the one given to me was for someone who needed a MUCH bigger size.  So...that was that. Next, TH came home from his sister's house with a B'jorn. I had read lots of things about this and wasn't really thrilled at what I had read. But--hey--I'll give it a try.  LM tolerated it, but only if he was asleep and would leave his head to the side--if awake, he was bound and determined to smother himself on our chests. Plus--it hurt my back. TH liked it though..fine. He can use it when LM is older. I STILL DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING. But--we had two carriers.

At this point, I've got TH convinced that I should order the K'tan...I had a coupon and everything. Then---I was on BabySteals and lo and behold....the daily steal was the Ergo. Well I had to pull the trigger on that one---that was the one I secretly wanted for the future but knew I wouldn't be able to spend the money on. I knew that it wouldn't be totally useful for a couple more months...but I had to have it. I decided to hold off on the K'tan in case I could make the Ergo work with him. It came--I love it and can kinda use it with a rolled up blanket boosting LM up. But, if he's not asleep, he's not happy. But--it'll be fabulous when he's older, I can't wait!!  Anyway, in case you're keeping track--we're at three carriers now folks.

Then, the SIL says she has a sling and another carrier from a friend for us. They arrive. One is a weak knock off of the B'jorn, which I didn't like anyway. The sling is some giant padded number that gets great reviews but I couldn't get LM to fit in it yet without feeling like I could get him in the safe sling position. It may or may not be good when he's bigger...we'll see. Of course, when he's bigger, I'll use the Ergo.  Anyway...numbers four and five.

At this point (hey, thanks for still reading!!!), I'm frustrated as all get out. I have five carriers--none of which will let me wear my little guy around RIGHT NOW.  TH of course thinks it's 100% ridiculous to buy another carrier at this point....and I do see the logic. We're running out of storage space folks. But--then on the magical e.b.ay site, I found a K'tan that I was able to get for half of retail price---YAY!!!! TH thinks I'm crazy but I just wanted to wear my LM...even if he gets too heavy for it soon (hey, I've got plenty of other options when he gets bigger!).

It came in the mail yesterday...and then there were six :-)

Two Month Check-up.....complete.

While I know this is going to be the most scintillating blog post you've ever read (not!)...I do need to preserve some things for posterity....since I'm not sure I'll ever find time to get the baby book back out to fill this stuff in.

We survived the first round of shots....thank goodness we have two more months before have to do that again...ick. I hated watching LM get the shots--the poor little guy screamed his "ouch" cry and little tears poured down his face. I, of course, shed some tears of my own.
Other than that--he's good to go healthwise!!

Stats:
Weight--13lb 7.5 oz
Height--23 7/8 in.

I <3 my chunky LM!

Growing up too fast....

I've been waiting nine weeks and two nights for this to happen. I've cried tears of exhaustion and googled the heck out of everything there is to do with sleeping through the night. I convinced myself that it's not a big deal to wake up every 2-3 hours...if he needs to eat, he needs to eat.

BUT THEN....it happened. Last night, LM slept from 1030-615 without waking.  Then he ate and went back to sleep for another hour.

I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen. And...now that it has, it makes me a little sad. My little monkey is growing up too fast. Pretty soon, he'll be going to bed earlier and sleeping that long....in his crib...in his room...waaaaaay down the hall from me.  And then he'll go off to college, get married and move to the other side of the country.

Ok..maybe I'm being dramatic. But, I've found my excitement over this milestone to be tempered by the fact that it means he's growing up. I've got months left before I go back to work but lately, I've found myself becoming anxious about leaving him and missing out on the milestones. So, now that he's sleeping through the night, it is a big reminder to myself to watch him closely, love him extra and photograph the hell out of his every move!

P.S---Don't worry, I'm still thrilled with the idea that I'll be getting sleep and can't wait for tonight!!!

The power of the blog...

I'm a realistic person (despite what my family and friends might say!) and I realize that the person who reads my blog the most is me.

Reading blogs has gotten me through a lot of tough times...adjusting to some personal life changes, trying to conceive, pregnancy and now motherhood. I've learned a lot--especially all of the IF blogs I read/still read. These blogs gave me the power of information--even though my journey did not include IUIs/IVF--the amazing ladies I've been reading have made me informed about the medical logistics AND (more importantly) the emotional struggles. Reading blogs and developing connections has made me a better person (and certainly a lot less naive of one!)

Many of the people I follow have talked about the cathartic release of writing a blog and this is what eventually encouraged me to start writing my own.  I know the pressures of first time motherhood will be overwhelming and there will be things I just cannot say to anyone else.  Being able to write these things down...and really get them out there...has been an amazing release.

And if this blog never develops a following and becomes more of a personal journal, that will be okay because I will have put my thoughts/fears/experiences out there in the universe.
But--if you are reading this--hello! welcome! Please stay!! I love you! :-)

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is my first Mother's Day. This time last year, I was about to end another super long (50+ days) cycle with another BFN.  We were about to start our first round of Clomid. And we were a little over a month away from getting pregnant. But, at that time, I was feeling the crushing weight of fear---fear that it would never happen. I spent last Mother's Day sure that I would never get to experience the joy of being a mother. I was becoming more and more convinced it would never happen. I read the blogs of others who were suffering on this day and felt the pain exactly--no matter how long your journey has been, this day is a hard one.  It was on Mother's Day last year that I realized I no longer thought about "when we get pregnant" but "if we get pregnant". It was a humbling and heart-wrenching day.

A year later and the world is totally different. LM is truly the center our of universe now. We spent an amazing day at a state park--picnic, hiking and family time. LM got me a gorgeous bracelet and flowers.  AND--he slept for six hours straight Saturday night! TH made sure that the day was perfect--even doing some of the household chores and making sure that LM got all the credit for the day (quite an accomplishment for a nine week old!)

I'm not sure what I've done to earn a life this wonderful. Even last year when I would imagine what it "might" be like if I ever achieved motherhood...it was never this special. While the day was perfect, the best part was seeing my LM smile and coo at the sight of me and seeing him snuggle with his daddy. Amazing how so much changes in a year.

Two's company...three's a crowd??

Though LM was long wanted and awaited...and we were prepared to take much more extensive measures to get him (thank you Clomid!)...it sometimes feels like adjusting to be a family of three is full of growing pains. 

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but I've been home since late February (bedrest) and don't go back to work until August (I'm a teacher!). I absolutely adore being home with LM...it's something that I know I'll never get to do again.  I'm sure the timing with the next LO won't be as conducive.  We have a good time at home---we play, snuggle, talk etc.  The bonding is stronger than I thought. TH is a teacher too and while he was home with us for a few weeks, he's back to work now. I know how much he misses being able to be with him and see all of the little milestones. I try to keep him up to date with pictures and videos sent to him during the day.  But--I know he feels like he's missing out. And..honestly...he is.  But, I'm grateful that we could afford for me to be here with him and not having him in daycare yet.

Despite both TH and I being totally cognizant of this fact...the cracks are starting to show. I'm starting to resent how early he goes to bed at night..yeah, I'm tired too buddy. Try getting up in the middle of the night, rushing around getting stuff done around the house when LM takes his catnaps etc. I know you're going to work...but I'm not just sitting around on my a** here (okay, sometimes I do but when Grey's is on the DVR, I can't help it!). I haven't been out by myself for a "me thing" in over a month...and that was for a haircut and I came riiiiiight home.  So when it's early in the morning and I'm exhausted and TH decides to cop an attitude with me about the fact that I don't want him to go out with co-workers tonight and how he didn't go out last week so I should feel guilty for not letting him....GRRR.  I don't think he gets that even if he's awake for just a little bit when he's home...it's a break for me for him to hold/snuggle with LM and I like getting to see him. I don't think I'm asking all that much.

It feels like I'm being a mom all of the time and he still gets to be "just a husband" sometimes and do those things that we used to do when it was just the two of us. I know he loves me and adores LM...he's a great dad. But it's hard.
Does this get easier?

It's like he read my blog...

LM fussed and fussed all throughout the day yesterday...including a particularly harrowing evening meltdown. I just kept hoping it was that he was as exhausted as I was (his naps yesterday were shorter than average). He had his last feed at 930 and fell asleep about 1015...........*drum roll* woke up at 330....and then not again until 745!!
Woohoo! Normally when he wakes up around 330, he's up again every two hours after that.

Yay for sleep! I have no idea what we did that "made" it happen....and I'm sure it was all chance. But, I'll take it!

Exhausted

LM has been having a rough couple of nights. We've def not been STTN...but he'd been doing mostly 3-4 hour stretches. One week he even did four hour stretches all night every night.  BUT--the last couple of nights he's been acting sleepy early so I've been trying to put him down earlier (I go to sleep when he does because he's in our room...oh, and I'm exhausted).  But--he wakes up immediately from a dead sleep and is upset and fussy. Then, he fusses and cranks until 1030-11.  He's been up every couple of hours for the last few nights.  After eating, it's taking him a long time to go back to sleep. Then, he's been snorting, snuffling and spitting up a lot in his sleep.
Result=I've been awake A LOT.  He used to make these noises a lot, every night. But, since he's been in his PNP newborn napper, it's been much better. Just a few noises/spitting up until he goes back to sleep. He seems to have lost the ability to sleep deeply. I've tried swaddled/unswaddled etc etc...and he's just not sleeping well.

I'm so exhausted...I haven't slept more than five hours since I don't know when (near the end of pregnancy I was up peeing every 2 hours). I end up sleeping in later and later with him to try to make up for it---but it's not helping (I still don't sleep well) and I think it's making it hard for him to go to bed earlier. But, I just can't get up earlier...I'm so exhausted. It's not making me a fun mommy or wife. I'm struggling to figure out how to help him sleep more....
Does anyone out there have the magic secret? I'm desperate.

The good, the bad and the returnable...(with new additions!)

Baby gear is one of those things that pregnant women are inundated with...all of the things that you absolutely must have or your baby will suffer etc etc.
It's hard to determine what you really need or what you just really want :-)
Being blessed enough to have a lot of family to host showers and friends with little ones to share hand-me downs, we got a lot of "gear". I've compiled a list of the good, the bad and returnable.

The Good
1. Cradle action swing--there are times when LM doesn't sleep unless he's in this. Several nights he and I have gone downstairs so he can sleep more upright so he'll stop spitting up/choking on it. Now that his vision is improved, he LOVES the mobile and mirror above him. He'll watch it forever--or at least long enough for me to eat or go to the bathroom. He doesn't like the regular swinging motion options yet--I'm glad we got one that does the cradle swing. It also plugs in--a great battery saver!

2. Tiny Love Mobile--this item is something that LM didn't start to really like until about five weeks old (when he could see it), but now that he does--it's a lifesaver! He loves to lay in his crib and watch it/listen to the music.  It helps me get stuff done upstairs while he coos and smiles at it. Not only that, but it has a lot of great black/white patterns, along with bright colors for later. The repetition of the sliding pieces also creates a great white noise.

3. Pack N Play with Newborn Napper--I knew we wanted a PNP but I was hesitant to get the one with the newborn napper and changing table. Did we really need this?? Yes! LM is still sleeping in the newborn napper at night because it gives him the incline he needs to sleep--plus it puts him about at my eye level in bed which makes seeing him easy, plus getting him out to nurse. And, it's super snuggly!

4. Swaddle Blankets--I went overboard with receiving blankets thinking that we'd use them to swaddle at night but LM quickly outgrew them. I wish I had spent my money on some bigger swaddle blankets like A&A at Tar.get or Swaddle D.esigns.

5. Portable Folding Swing (FPrice)-- We keep this small swing upstairs in the master bathtub. I set LM in it when I'm taking a shower---it's the only way I get one somedays! It's small enough to store in the bathroom or carry out to the bedroom/anywhere else upstairs when I need to put him down. We will also take it when the grandparents babysit.

6. Rainforest Bouncy Chair (FPrice)--I adore this new addition to our family.  I wrote a whole post on it (mid May archive) but the long and short of it is that it has baby-activated features...I LOVE cause/effect!

7. Baby K'tan- I did a post on carriers but now that I've had this wonderful thing for a week or so now, I love it and am so glad I got it (when TH admits it was a good purchase, you know it rocks!). It is so much easier than a friend's M.oby as it requires a lot less steps and is easy to put on--for me, the M.oby was just too much.  Plus--LM loves it and falls right asleep when he snuggles in.  Even without total head control, we still have three great holds (there are 8 possible) to use.

8. Ergo--This is a super comfy carrier---it doesn't hurt my back at all. But..unless you buy the insert, it doesn't really work until 3-4 months. But--for a front hanging carrier, it's the most comfortable I've tried.

9. Changing table pad liners--We have a variety of these--boppy ones, Gerber ones and sometimes we use the plain prefold cloth diapers. I have a whole bunch of cute changing table pad covers and these are the only things that keep me from changing it with almost every changing!! Between spit ups and runaway poop, these liners are fabulous at keeping the cute covers clean!

10. Skip Hop Via Diaper Bag--I love this messenger style diaper bag. We both use it--we got it in platinum--and it has the luxury of not being so large that I get carried away and carry everything in the world. It has made me pare down to the essentials and not carry every little thing. Love it!

11. Diaper Genie II Elite--TH has a super sensitive nose (which has its pros and cons) and this keeps all of the diaper smell in (so far!).  We empty it 1-2 times a week (someone doesn't wrap the diapers as tight as I do which takes up more space). It is easy to reload, empty, change etc.  Even with a heavy load (sorry!) of diapers in it, the bag has never broken on us when carrying it to the garbage.  We were hesitant to buy this but have been very pleased with it.

The Bad
1. Store brand wipes--We've had good luck with store brand diapers but ALL of the store brand wipes we've bought/been given have resulted in diaper rash/redness.

2. Narrow burp cloths--the interlocking prefold ones are good but the narrow, super cute ones are just a mess!

3. Learning DVDs--no need for these things!! Read to your baby, talk to your baby and play with them...enough said.

4. L.ansino.h breast pads--these just don't stick for me! I had better luck with the M.edela brand.

5. Nasal aspirators--they sell cute ones but the ones the hospital gives you (or your pedi) blow them away (no pun intended!)

The Returnable
1. The video monitor---I thought I'd love it and need and wanted it more than anything. But, we returned it to put towards other things. I don't regret this--even when I desperately want to peek at him sleeping. The regular monitor works just fine--you learn to recognize the noises that they make in their sleep and the noises that mean they're awake or on the way there.

2. H.alo Sleepsacks with Swaddle--these are great for a lot of people. Heck, they worked for us in the hospital. However, LM likes to be able to free his arms during the night and he screams bloody murder when his arms are velcroed in.  The swaddle blankets give him enough wiggle room.  Our hospital gave us one so I wish we hadn't already bought one--or at least not opened it so we could return it. Again, some babies love them, but not LM. *edited to add--at nearly 3 months, he's developed a taste for these again--but still the newborn size--I think he likes them because he's too big for it and can make it stretch so he can wiggle his arms**

3. Carseat mirrors--These work fine if your car is configured exactly right and even then, the only way I can really see LM is to turn around and look into the mirror. From rearview mirror to the carseat mirror is too blurry. Not worth keeping.

4. Clothes that say things like "Mommy's New Man"...ick.

5. Receiving Blankets--these are cute and great...but you don't need a million of them! Ours are currently being used as burp cloths mostly...but they are cute and they do make me happy. I just wouldn't have registered for so many.

6. PNPlay Sheets--Some of these sheets fit tighter than others (and safer) but all of the ones I tried were not absorbent enough. Any trace of drool or spit up goes right through to the mattress--so I have to clean it anyway.  LM has no problem sleeping just on the mattress (it's comfy enough) and if I'm going to have to clean it anyway...!

Mama mishap

You'd think that just because LM has started to put together a few 3-4 hour stretches at night (on a good night!), that would mean I would start getting some good sleep. And, since I haven't slept for longer than five hours since probably late January (oh, the joys of the third trimester)...sleep is valuable.

But, after last night...I'm going to be up ALL THE TIME checking to make sure LM is alive.

Here's what happened...
We're swaddlers and have been since night 2 at home. If LM is laying on a flat surface for a nap, he has to be swaddled or he'll startle himself awake (swings, bouncey chairs etc are usually ok). But, as LM has become a bit more of a chunky monkey, he's outgrown the receiving blankets we've used to swaddle him. The little Houdini is out of them in no time flat! So...crafty (not!) me used some stitch witchery and some flannel and stretchy muslin from the fabric store to make a couple bigger (45x45 ish) swaddle blankets. They worked great! LM might get one arm out but he stays wrapped and has been sleeping better.

However, I must've not wrapped him tight enough (or he's just a super wiggler) after his middle of the night feed, because I woke up to him fussing. Since he wasn't crying to be fed, I laid there and dozed waiting for him to "say" he wanted me. Finally, I decided I would give him his paci and see if that helped him conk back out for another hour. When I leaned over the PNP newborn napper (godsend!) right next to the bed, I discovered that his entire face covered in swaddled!

HOLY S*IT!

Somehow, he must've loosened his swaddle enough that he wiggled down in it and completely covered his face. I don't have any idea how long he had been like that and it makes me sick to think about his face covered. There is no way I am going to be able to sleep at night without worrying about him smothering himself.

I have a couple options I suppose...

• Don't swaddle him and wake up every hour or so
• Swaddle him in a too little blanket and wake up every hour or so when he frees himself
• Try a halo sack again and listen to him scream having his arms velcroed.
• Swaddle him like last night and wake up frequently to check that he's alive

Looks like I'm losing sleep either way.
I know there will be many mama mishaps along the way....but this was a scary one.